nlp the essential guide to neuro-linguistic programming
by tom hoobyar 

TRIAL BY FIRE: MY PERSONAL INTRODUCTION TO NLP
Tracy Hoobyar

NLP has been a part of my life since the mid-1990s. My father began studying
NLP to learn more about himself and those around him. Because my dad was the
son of a preacher, anything he learned, we all learned!
As time went on and I listened to Dad tell me what he had learned, it all sounded
interesting, but, after all, it was Dad’s thing. I was busy with a toddler and didn’t
have time to worry too much about it.
In early 2002, things changed drastically for me. My then eleven-year-old
daughter was hospitalized at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital, at Stanford
University, for anorexia. Her heart had been affected and was weak, her bones
were brittle, and we were given a very bleak prognosis. After three weeks and
more than sixty thousand dollars’ worth of care, they wanted to admit her to a
residential psychiatric hospital out of state. We would get to visit her
occasionally. We were told there were no other options—she wouldn’t survive if
we didn’t follow their suggestions.
Against medical advice, we decided to check her out of the hospital. As you
might imagine, the primary doctor was not impressed. He invited my entire
family to find other care in the future, and wished us well. Outpatient services
were unsatisfactory. Counseling was not productive. It really began to look like
this was going to be as bad as they told us.
Unwilling to accept that, I talked to Dad about changing her prognosis. After a
lot of hours, Dad and I devised a plan to help my daughter—to defy all the rules
and statistics—and help her get better. Our plan? Use everything he knew from
NLP, everything I knew about psychology, and work with her to help her
recover. While we used a combination of techniques, the most effective, and the
quickest, tools came from the NLP world.
We worked with my daughter to understand, and accept, the part of her that was
struggling for control by restricting her food intake. With her, we explored what
she was thinking and feeling. We “played” with different techniques until we
found what worked.
We went to her doctor three times a week at first, then twice, and then only once
a week. He monitored my daughter for the typical challenges anorexic kids
encounter upon release from the hospital. He checked her vitals and urine tests,
and evaluated her for improvement.
She was never hospitalized again, gained weight steadily, and worked through
her “demons” with the support of NLP and those who loved her. The doctors
thought we were crazy when my daughter would talk about how she pictured
anorexia, how she was able to make changes in her relationship with this disease
and with food by playing with the size and color of the picture—and other things
that sounded equally odd to those trained traditionally.
It was not an easy road back, but it was well worth traveling.
Today, my daughter has spent more than ten years in recovery. I’m convinced
that without NLP, we would have lost her. With my newfound belief in the
power of NLP, Dad and I worked harder than ever at real-world, practical
applications. We found ways to help kids dealing with abusive histories, elderly
people dealing with chronic pain, and businesspeople dealing with day-to-day
issues.
Our dream was always to put together a program to help real people deal with
real problems. Dad had such an amazing way of presenting information. He
would use stories to help people understand what he wanted them to learn. His
genuine compassion for others, and desire to help them live better lives, guided
his actions and writings.
What you hold in this book is the realization of the dream we shared. He spent
countless hours in trainings, reading books, working with the experts, testing
theories, and applying techniques to everyday challenges. He researched NLP
and its applications in more detail than most people could ever imagine.
The amazing thing is that you’re going to benefit from all of that. He literally
helped hundreds of people overcome their challenges; here, he shares the tools
he used to do that. Whether the struggle you’re concerned with is a fear of public
speaking, dealing with the hurdles of major life changes, living with chronic
pain, or some other issue, Dad has used NLP to positively impact something like
it—and he is going to show you how to do the same.
This book will show you how to use NLP to become the person you want to be.
You will learn the skills and tools to reduce stress, manage your thoughts and
feelings, improve your communications with anyone in your life, and live the
life you want to live.
You will hear stories that will enlighten you about your own stories. You may
even discover something you didn’t know about yourself. I know I did. Here’s
what I can tell you. NLP offers many powerful tools to change your life—tools
that can also change the lives of those around you, if they’re open to that.
This book takes years of information and presents it all in a friendly, simple-toread format that is easy to understand, learn from, and implement. Every once in
a while, you find a book that really speaks to you, that is just the right “teacher”
at the just the right time. I think author and speaker Garrison Keillor said it best:
“A book is a gift you can open again and again.” I’m very happy and proud to
share this special gift from my father with you.
AUTHORS’ NOTE AND APPRECIATION
Tom Hoobyar was an avid learner and adventurous explorer who embraced
life’s mysteries and questions. He was the originator of six patents and the
majority of his forty-five years in business exposed him to diverse issues in
small businesses, Fortune 500 firms, as well as twelve start-ups that grew to be
number one in their industries.
While he was CEO of a Silicon Valley manufacturing company, NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) became a vital tool that enhanced his leadership
skills and his company’s success. He later used NLP as the foundation for his
writing and coaching practice, which enabled him to touch and change the lives
of hundreds of people.
While compiling his secrets of success for this book, Tom died from pancreatic
cancer. Tom dreamed that his message would live on long after him, and asked
us to transform his notes and transcripts from his teachings into this book. To
honor the confidentiality he promised clients, we’ve changed the names and
situations of the people in his stories.
Tom’s wide-ranging background and rich life experience enabled him to bring a
special perspective and approach to NLP, which makes his insights and message
more useful outside the training room or coaching session. We’ve done our best
to preserve how easily accessible he made NLP to others.
Because Tom Hoobyar had a unique gift for communicating and making
complex subjects fun and easy to understand, this essential guide is written in the
present tense—enabling you to have an engaging conversation with him that can
change your life.
Many people contributed to making this book possible. With this in mind, we’d
like to especially thank:
• Robert McDonald, whose precise and heartfelt teaching style inspired
Tom Dotz to train with NLP Comprehensive and then found NLP
California, where Tom Hoobyar and Susan Sanders were likewise
inspired with the possibilities NLP made real.
• Steve and Connirae Andreas for their creativity in developing new
processes, their generous spirit of teaching, and their leadership in the
NLP community. Without them, Tom Hoobyar and the two of us
would not have met or shared our journeys of learning NLP.
• The NLP Comprehensive Training Team for continually bringing NLP
concepts, skills, and processes to life for thousands of students—in
particular, Charles Faulkner and Steve Andreas, who were the chief
editors on NLP Comprehensive’s first book, NLP: The New
Technology of Achievement.
• Adam Korn and Trish Daly at HarperCollins for embracing this project
and shepherding it through to completion.
INTRODUCTION
What You’ll Get Out of This Book
There are hundreds of potential turning points in each person’s life—and this
book will be an important one in yours. How’s that possible?
Here’s how. You’ll discover HOW your one-of-a-kind, never-to-be-duplicated
special mind actually works. You’ll find out how you were able to use your
brain before you could even say a word. Even better, you’ll be able to “get under
the hood” of your own thoughts and adjust them to fit your current needs. Since
most of our beliefs and values were created when we were children, this is a
good thing. Some of those patterns might benefit from a little updating, don’t
you think?
In this book, you’ll get specific processes for updating these old patterns and
creating new ones. You’ll explore simple, solid solutions to issues including
anxieties, procrastination, and motivation. You’ll learn and practice powerful
strategies for immediate, lasting results in areas like self-confidence.
These may seem like pretty big promises, and yet the possibilities are not
overstated. The basis for this is NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It’s a
funny name for an essential function of life: understanding and managing your
own mind. NLP is famous for its fast fixes for phobias and long-held fears and
anxieties—and much more.
Like many great ideas, the concepts of NLP have been embraced by many
leaders in their fields—now, several decades since its inception, echoes of NLP
appear in all kinds of books, training courses, coaching, and motivational
speeches. As you go through this book and learn more about NLP, you’ll find
yourself recognizing the many places and people who have adopted it as part of
their work.
This essential guide provides you with multiple ways to create and maintain
motivation to keep you moving forward toward your goals. You’ll also learn two
tremendously important processes for selecting and validating your goals. That
alone is worth the price of admission. When you truly know what you want, and
that what you want is worth having, you’ll find all your internal resources
aligning. You’ll find the friction, distractions, and hesitations melting away.
You’ll learn what NLP calls internal congruence, and that gives you a strong
running start.
You’ll discover new ways of relating to and understanding other people that will
make getting cooperation and giving direction easier and more satisfying than
ever before. And I’m speaking as a guy who used to have real issues with
shyness and public speaking.
You see, I know firsthand what a difference using NLP has made in my own life.
Using its concepts and techniques can have powerful and long-lasting effects. I
have trained hundreds of people in NLP concepts and techniques—and have
seen people make remarkable changes in their lives.
You’ll also get a new understanding of other people because you’ll have a better
idea about what’s going on inside them. For the most part, many people don’t
know how they work inside. They really are unable to tell you what makes them
think a particular thought, or do what they do. You’ll learn about other people’s
inner workings by simply observing behaviors and noticing the right key signals.
Having this awareness also helps you to be a little more approachable, a little
more “simpatico,” and a little smoother when you’re communicating. Of course,
the reward here is the power of influence. The knowledge you’ll gain about how
people work gives you real persuasive power.
Your relationships will improve across the board because you will become more
understanding, and more understood. That combination makes you an easier
person to be around. Frankly, it makes you more attractive.
You’ll find your performance at work improving. Mine certainly did. I became a
better team player. And, even though I was the boss, I became much more
approachable to my employees. You’ll become healthier, too, because you’ll be
better able to manage your motivations to exercise, to eat well, and to reduce or
do away with some of your poor health habits.
The bottom line is that by reading this book and doing the recommended
activities, you’ll develop the skills to become better at just about everything you
do. You’ll gain powerful tools to be able to overcome whatever you believe is
your number-one problem.
If I were you, I might be thinking, “Why should I trust this guy—and invest my
time exploring these ideas?” Here’s why. For most of my career, I’ve made my
living as an inventor, engineer, and entrepreneur, and after NLP training, as a
consultant to people dealing with personal and professional performance issues.
I know what’s proved most useful to me over the last fifteen years and that’s
what I’m going to share with you. This book is not simply an encyclopedia of
NLP. Instead, this is an interactive user guide that puts the power of NLP at your
fingertips right now. I am, first and foremost, an NLP user. It’s how I navigate
life.
Let me start with how NLP really got my attention. It’s the story of how, after
thirty-six years, I found a way to stop smoking. I had been trying to quit for
eighteen of those thirty-six years. Nothing worked for me. I tried hypnosis,
putting money in a jar every time I would break down and have a smoke, telling
all my friends and family that I quit, drinking myself to sleep for one stretch of
six nonsmoking months. Nothing worked. Every time I “quit,” I would find an
excuse to start smoking again. Once I even used my dad’s death as an excuse to
stop on the way to his house to buy a pack of cigarettes. “Emergency,” I told
myself. “I’ll quit again when I get through this.”
Yeah, right. And I felt like an idiot. Here I was in charge of a start-up firm, and I
was the only smoker in the company. Out of consideration for our employees, I
had declared our offices a nonsmoking zone. So I would be alone, standing
outside in all kinds of weather pounding down a quick cigarette before meeting
with my staff, stinking like an ashtray and knowing that I was broadcasting my
weakness. Then, one day, I saw an NLP process in a book. I thought I might as
well try it.
That was more than twenty years ago and I haven’t lit a cigarette since. A few
years later, when the company was on solid footing and I had a little breathing
space, I started taking NLP training. Wow.
I had spent my entire adult life figuring out processes and technologies, but this
new discipline blew those strategies away. As my questions about human nature
(and my own inner workings) were answered for me, I realized that I had
stumbled on to the coolest technology yet—the technology of human behavior.
What Is NLP?
NLP is a revolutionary study of the PROCESS of human thought. In other
words, it’s the study of what’s actually going on when we think. I don’t mean
the physical or electrochemical reactions, but what we would notice if we looked
at the step-by-step activity of thinking.
The interesting thing about the mind is that if you take a brain and cut it open,
you can’t find the mind. You can’t find a poem or the taste of chocolate or the
feeling of a first kiss or the music from the prom dance. All you find is a bunch
of nerve tissue. The nerve tissue in your brain acts as a substrate. It’s almost like
your computer. It acts like your hard drive or your motherboard, and basically
it’s designed to store various bits of data and to assemble, reassemble, and
rearrange them and call them up whenever you want.
NLP is an understanding—not of the brain—but of how the mind, using the
brain, expresses itself in your life and creates what you call your experience.
Right now, for instance, you’re reading these words. But these words by
themselves are not your experience. Your experience is these words blended
with what else you’re seeing around you at the moment, where you’re sitting,
and how your body is feeling. Part of your experience right now is composed of
the things you’re saying to yourself, like, “Geez, I wish he’d say more about that
point,” or “That’s interesting,” or “I don’t know if that’s true or not,” or “Am I
really going to get my money’s worth out of all this time I’m spending?”
The comments you make as you go on, coupled with your visual and your
physical sensations as you read, blended with my words—all of that combined
becomes your experience. Now, how does your brain do all that? Before I
answer that, let me give you a little background information about NLP.
NLP started at the University of California, Santa Cruz in the early 1970s and
has grown rapidly since then. NLP differs from psychology because its
philosophy and techniques are derived from a specialized form of studying
people called “Modeling.” NLP researchers interviewed and observed people
doing many activities—and then shared the huge body of knowledge they
accumulated about how people think when they’re falling in love, grieving a
personal loss, shooting a gun, flying a plane, learning a language, or falling
asleep. Thousands of people have been studied over the years, and much has
been learned about how we think, and how we can adjust our own internal
thought processes.
NLP popularized the “Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic” learning styles in
addition to many new technologies utilized in education, psychotherapy, and
communication. It’s used in business for interviewing, hiring, training,
management, and sales. Entertainment and business professionals, as well as
athletes and coaches in amateur, professional, and Olympic sports, use NLP
coaching to improve performance.
In the beginning, I studied NLP because I wanted help inventing products and
being a better CEO of the high-tech company that I had founded, and I got it!
Every day I was managing people, making phone calls, negotiating with vendors
and customers in the business world. NLP really influenced my view of my
employees. Even though I could see that some of them could probably resolve
some issues and be happier (not to mention, be better employees), I wasn’t
licensed to be their therapist. I was their boss.
Even though I was getting very excited by the things I was learning about human
nature, I couldn’t really talk much about my discoveries. I certainly couldn’t ask
other people, “What pictures are you making in your head right now?” or “Are
you hearing a voice?” It wasn’t safe to try that and it certainly wouldn’t have
been very effective.
So I decided to use this growing knowledge for my own personal development,
and allow it to change my language and my gestures to get results for me first.
Then I discovered how this also allowed me to get results with other people. You
see, the funny thing was that when I changed, the people around me changed,
too.
It actually turned out remarkably well—and that’s what I want to share with you.
My goal with this book is for you to learn about the operating principles of NLP,
about how you think and how others think. You’ll be able to manage your life
more easily, and to dramatically improve your communications with other
people.
What I didn’t know back then was that there would be so many additional
benefits from using NLP skills. NLP has helped me be a better husband, father,
and grandfather. It’s helped me be happier, easier to get along with, a better
family member, and more productive in my professional work.
Since retiring from manufacturing, I’ve worked with clients as a consultant and
coach. NLP has helped me to share my skills and experience with thousands of
people in many walks of life and in many situations.
I’m an NLP Master Practitioner and Training Coach. I have a lot of other
certifications for NLP and related training because I found the field so
fascinating. In my home library, there are hundreds of books on the subject. I’m
also the founder of the international NLP alumni group, the NLP Café. In this
book, I’ve distilled the best of everything I’ve learned from NLP—which is a
lot! You don’t have to be as focused on NLP as I am to reap many benefits from
this information. You’re sure to find a payoff within your first hour.
Two Important NLP Principles of Human Nature
NLP researchers originally studied therapists who were famous for getting
almost miraculous results with their clients. One of the psychotherapists initially
studied was Fritz Perls, who developed “be-here-now” Gestalt therapy. He was a
genius at reading body language and at getting immediate changes. His unique
approach was the direct opposite of psychoanalysis, which requires years of
therapy and self-study to develop an understanding of how one came to be who
they are.
The second therapist was Virginia Satir, the brilliant developer of family
therapy. Instead of working with just the one person in the family who was
disruptive or troubled, she dealt with the entire family. She felt that each person
and their behavior were part of the family dynamic. She found that if she
addressed only the one person, they’d go back to the family structure and get a
little crazy again, so she worked with the entire family.
The third person they studied was Milton Erickson, a medical doctor who was
the primary developer of clinical hypnotherapy. A genius, with a completely
different approach to therapy from Perls and Satir, Erickson also produced
results that appeared to be magic. The fourth subject of initial study was a man
named Moshe Feldenkrais, a body worker who did brilliant healing work with
his hands.
NLP’s underlying operating principles, called “Presuppositions,” reflect the
underlying unifying beliefs of these key individuals who were studied to
discover what was most effective—and these became the operating principles of
NLP.
The interesting thing about these distinctively different leaders was that their
deep beliefs about human nature were pretty much the same. Two of the beliefs I
want to emphasize for you are important because they flow through everything
we do—and they contradict a lot of what most of us have been taught.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN INNER ENEMY.
One belief is “There is no such thing as an inner enemy.” There’s no monster
within. You’re not broken. You can really let go of old beliefs like this.
When people do things that are not good for them—and it doesn’t matter
whether it’s biting their fingernails or committing serial murders—they are
doing what they are doing because some part of them thinks it’s essential. A part
of them believes that it’s necessary for survival, for their well-being. While some
behaviors may not be sane, healthy, or anything most people would condone, it’s
important to understand that in that individual’s worldview, in their mind, that
behavior is absolutely necessary.
BEHIND EVERY BEHAVIOR IS A POSITIVE INTENTION.
So suppose you have an issue—let’s say there’s a certain person you just can’t
confront. Every time you see them, your knees turn to jelly and you start
stuttering. Maybe it’s an attractive coworker, somebody’s boss, your mother-inlaw, your spouse, or maybe it’s one of your children. The thing is, you’re not
broken, and there’s nothing wrong. The reason you have such a reaction is that
part of your mind thinks that not confronting them is what’s essential for you to
do to survive.
Maybe the behavior is intended to keep you safe. Maybe it’s to preserve your
self-respect, or self-love. Maybe it’s to get “justice.” No matter how weird or
inappropriate it may seem, for that person there is an inner logic that makes
perfect sense. It sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? Why would this “logic” be true?
Well, in the example above, if we did a little looking, we might find that your
mind reached that conclusion when you were three or four years old.
Long ago, you might have had a difficult experience with someone who reminds
you (in some way) of the person in your present life. It doesn’t have to be
obvious—it could be how they look, their tone of voice, their role in your life, or
just the way your unconscious sees them in relationship to you. When we use
NLP, we look inside the mind, to find out exactly what pattern is operating to
produce that response, and then we can alter it. By reading this book and putting
the principles into practice, you’ll be able to do this, too!
The two things I’d like you to hold in mind are that there is no such thing as an
inner enemy and that behind every behavior is a positive intention. Your mind—
as well as everybody else’s mind—is operating the best way it currently knows
how. It may be wrong and it may need an adjustment, simply because most
brains decide how to operate when people are four or five years old.
But enough about NLP and me. Let’s talk about what’s ahead for you.
What Is an NLP “Power User”?
There are many reasons people study NLP. Some people are just curious about
how human nature operates. Others want to discover how they themselves think.
Power Users want to use NLP in the real world, where this skill set makes a
tremendous difference for them.
There is a world of difference between “knowing how” and “being able.” My
goal is to make you able. I’ve known many NLP Trainers and Practitioners who
were pioneers and Power Users in this field. I’ve also studied the methods taught
to hostage negotiators, Navy SEALs, and Army Rangers. I’ve studied other
skills that I’ve found useful in life, such as the self-management skills of
entrepreneurs, actors, and therapists. I’ve adapted the best of these here for your
use.
NLP is more important today than ever before. Here’s why. In our world of
ever-evolving technology, we are constantly connecting—with people we work
with, people we love, people who have information and/or access to others.
We’re so busy responding, we hardly have time to think. So in the following
pages, I’m going to guide you through dozens of “Discovery Activities,” where
you will be able to explore your personal thinking patterns—and learn how to
manage and change them if you wish. You’ll also learn about whole new ways
of dealing with other people and understanding how they are thinking and
feeling.
Ready? Curious? I hope so—this oughta be fun.
Section One: It’s All About You
CHAPTER ONE: UNDERSTANDING HOW YOU THINK
What’s going on in there?
Life consists of what a man is thinking of all day.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
You know what you think, right? We all do. You’re thinking about what you
like or don’t like, and what you want or don’t want. You also probably think of
what you wish you wanted less of, like gorging on chocolate ice cream, TV,
Web-surfing, shopping, drinking, or working.
In fact, when anyone talks about thinking, they talk about what they’re thinking
about. They don’t talk about how we go about thinking those thoughts. What
you’ll learn from this book is how you go about forming your thoughts, the
effect that has on you and others, and how to change it to better suit you.
The understanding you’ll gain here is largely based on Neuro-Linguistic
Programming, which is commonly referred to as NLP. NLP is based on the
theory that all human thinking occurs in pictures, sounds, feelings, smells, and/or
taste: the five senses. No one has yet ever effectively challenged this theory by
giving me an example of a thought that isn’t expressed in some combination of
words, pictures, smells, tastes, or feelings.
Can you do that? Right now, try having a thought that’s not an image, sound,
feeling, smell, or taste. Just kinda makes your brain stop for a minute, doesn’t it?
After you have a thought, you have a response. Maybe it’s a funny feeling,
followed by a comment like “This guy is nuts,” or some other internal dialogue,
picture, or feeling.
All and each of us operate this way, and yet each of us is distinctively different
in the exact thought patterns we have created as a result of our sensory-based
thinking. We all live inside our self-created minds. Our unique reality is a result
of our individual biology and the influence of our individual, mostly random
personal history. Understanding that we all live in and operate from a personal
model of reality is the key to making our lives better serve us.
By understanding this, you can truly understand yourself and other people, how
you and they do the sometimes strange and sometimes pleasing things people do.
You can figure out how to give yourself more of what you do want and less of
what you don’t.
Most important, you’re going to find out how to assess what you really want and
how to know that it’s really right for you. In this book, you’ll be introduced to
processes you can easily put to use right away to give you relief from what you
don’t want and more satisfaction with what you do.
An inner picture or sound can truly be a resource. Rather than just talk about
how this is true, let’s play with this concept by doing a process together. Having
a little experience with this concept now will give you an understanding of how
valuable this book can be for you. The approach you’re going to learn is
especially useful anytime you want to have a greater sense of comfort and ease
when you are doing something you need to do.
A Taste of NLP: A Firsthand Experience
In this first activity, Accessing Personal Resources, I’m going to ask you to
remember a time when you had a strong sense of ease and flow in your work.
Think of a vibrant memory, one that you will enjoy reliving. Choose a time
when everything just seemed to move easily and you were really able to do what
you wanted to accomplish. By vividly remembering that time, you’ll be drawing
upon your personal resources and past experience. Then I’ll show you how to
create a special memory trigger, so you can have that feeling again whenever
you want or need to.
What could you accomplish if you could easily step into that sense of focus on
your work, free from distractions, so everything flowed smoothly and almost
effortlessly? What other positive feelings would you want to reexperience if you
could simply transfer them from the time they actually happened in your life to
where you really want to have them again? The “Circle of Excellence” process
will do just that. This process is adapted from the popular book NLP: The New
Technology of Achievement.
Discovery Activity:
Accessing Personal Resources
Ready? Let other thoughts about the day move into the background as you focus
on this activity. First of all, this is a real contrast to the way you probably do
most of your thinking. In these Discovery Activities, the only way to go fast is to
go slow, to start. You want to really s-l-o-w d-o-w-n your thoughts as you follow
the instructions, especially the first few times. This will make it much easier and
more successful for you as you do these processes. So take a breath, relax, give
yourself some time, and enjoy.
Now go back in your memory to a time in your work when you were really
experiencing a sense of excellence, a sense of easy flow, a sense of
accomplishment. Relive that experience—seeing what you saw, hearing what
you heard, feeling what you felt.
As you feel that sense of flow building within you, imagine there’s a circle on
the floor, like a spotlight, right in front of your feet. Notice how it’s big enough
that if you were to step into it right now, your feet and your whole self would
easily fit inside it. What color is the circle of light? If you want to, you can
change the color and make it more blue, golden, or even sparkly.
Listen carefully for a moment; is there a sound that goes with your circle?
Maybe it has a soft, steady hum that echoes the powerful energy of the moment.
Maybe you hear a song or applause. What do you notice?
As you recall this experience and imagine the colored circle and this sound, what
feelings are you aware of? Maybe you feel kind of tingly or your posture is more
erect. Perhaps you have a feeling of confidence or pride. What feelings do you
notice now?
Once you’ve really relived that feeling of excellence, that feeling of ease and
flow at its fullest, step into that circle, bringing everything you see, hear, and feel
into the circle.
In a moment, you’re going to step out of that circle and leave all those feelings
inside it, knowing you can come back to them whenever you want to. This is an
unusual request, and you can do it. Do this now, just step out of the circle,
leaving all those mental pictures, sounds, and feelings inside it.
Now, as you are standing outside the circle, think of a specific time in your
future when you want to have that same feeling of excellence, that same focus,
ease, and flow. Take a moment to see, hear, and feel what might be happening in
that upcoming situation—what happens just before you want to reexperience
your feelings of excellence. Perhaps you see your desk. Maybe you hear a voice
introducing you as the speaker at an event. Maybe you feel excitement about
what’s going to happen. Whatever comes up for you, just notice that now.
As these cues are coming up in your mind, step back into your circle and relive
those feelings of excellence, focus, easy flow. Notice, as you imagine that future
situation unfolding, how these feelings of flow and easy confidence are fully
available to you—that you can easily access those same powerful feelings of
excellence, focus, and flow.
Now step out of the circle again, leaving those powerful feelings in the circle.
Once you’re outside the circle, take a moment and think about that upcoming
event. You’ll find you automatically recall those feelings of confidence and
flow, that sense of ease. This means you’ve already reoriented yourself for that
upcoming event. You’re feeling better about it and it hasn’t even completely
happened yet. When it does arrive, you’ll find yourself naturally responding with
more focus and confidence—you’ll have that sense of easy flow.
Whenever I experiment with a new approach, I know the first time is likely to be
less than perfect—simply because I’ve never done it before. You know the old
saying, “Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly to start”? That’s
especially true when making personal changes. If, after doing the activity, you
were only partly successful, just do it again, paying close attention to each step,
because the sequence and timing are important.
When you apply NLP concepts and techniques, you’re taking the initiative. You
are deciding for yourself how you want to react to the events in your life. In this
activity, you took the feelings of ease, flow, and confidence from a past
experience and attached them to a future situation that you might have felt
uneasy about. This is a process you can do for as many different future events as
you want, with as many different kinds of feelings as you want.
If you’ve ever experienced a resource, even if it was only for a second, that
means you have access to it forever! Using the “Circle of Excellence,” you can
choose to use your resources any way you want—whenever you want. In any
situation, you can choose how you want to feel and how you want to respond.
You can choose to live your life on purpose, by choice. You really do have all
the resources you could want or need. Isn’t that great?
You First: Understanding How You Work
Now that you’ve had a little taste of NLP, I sincerely hope you’re hungry for
more. So let’s get started.
All humans have pretty much the same wiring in their central nervous systems.
Because we’re born with the same wiring, we learn many of the same things in
the same way. We may all be concerned with similar things, and yet we don’t all
think the same way. In fact, each one of us thinks in a slightly different way
from any other human who has ever lived, or ever will live. Each of us is as
unique as a snowflake or a fingerprint.
In this chapter, you’ll learn how humans think, and you’ll learn how to discover
your personal thought processes. Most important, you’ll start learning how to
change your thought processes to get you more of what you do want in life. As
you go through the first section of the book, you’ll learn how to apply this
knowledge to yourself. The second section focuses on how to use these
understandings and processes with others.
You might be wondering, “Why should I care how I think?” Here’s why. Most
of us go through our lives getting used to small discomforts, as well as emotional
and mental limits. We say, “I’ve never been good at numbers,” or “I just don’t
have a green thumb.” These thoughts are no problem, unless you have a reason
to want to become good at numbers or at gardening.
But what if it’s more serious?
Suppose you’re just not able to handle necessary confrontations with a coworker
or a family member. Everyone needs to be able to set and protect his or her
boundaries. That’s how we create our personal feelings of safety and get other
people to respect our choices.
What if you “just can’t get anything done on time.” Or you’re not able to keep
your poise when speaking in front of an audience. Or you’d like to change your
health by stopping some old habits and building better ones. Or some other
behavior that you’d like to change, but haven’t succeeded at doing so.
The thing is, we can all be more of who we want to be. But most of us just give
up after a few decades of life, and accept that “we are who we are and that we
can’t change.” Not true!
It’s just that until recently, people didn’t have the right tools for personal change.
When you discover your personal thinking patterns, you can “get under the
hood” of your vehicle and change old unwanted habits. You can choose new
ways to behave in situations that make you uncomfortable. You will discover
new skills and become easier to be around. Essentially, you will become able to
redesign yourself. Many of my coaching clients have done just that. So have I,
and so can you, if you want to.
You can change whatever you want to change. And, if you later decide the
change isn’t desirable, you can put things back the way they were, or choose a
new way. So come along with me, and allow me to guide you on an exploration
of your personal thought processes.
Most of us experience our feelings like we experience weather. “Oh, I’m having
a bad day . . . Oh, so-and-so made me mad . . . Ah, I don’t know, I’m just off
today . . . I just can’t get it.” It’s kind of like being caught out in the rain without
an umbrella, isn’t it? You’re at the mercy of whatever come along, or you try to
suck it up and be a good soldier. Maybe you tell yourself, “Don’t be a crybaby.
Push through anyway.” That’s the hard way; that’s like trying to open a door
using the wrong end of the key.
An easier way to do it would be to understand how those feelings were created
in the first place. If you’d like to know, I’ll tell you.
“Ouch” or “Yahoo”: How We Create Our Feelings
Here’s how feelings are created. The first thing that happens is that you get some
kind of external stimuli. For example, when you woke up this morning, the first
thing you had was your inner commentary. That was just you, right? But then,
you began meeting the world—a whistling coffeepot, a crying kid, a dog that
needs to be let out, the newspaper in the front door, the TV on. Whatever your
world consists of, you had that stimulation coming into your brain.
As soon as sensory input comes into your brain, it’s interpreted. You assign a
meaning to it. This is really important because this happens so fast you aren’t
even aware of it. The interesting thing is that as soon as a meaning is assigned,
you have an emotion. You create a feeling about it.
You might think, “It’s going to be a crappy day . . . There’s gonna be traffic . . .
It’s smoggy . . . I hate politics . . . The economy’s down . . . We ran out of coffee
. . . Doesn’t anybody else take care of the damn dog?” Sound familiar? Or, if
you’re as lucky as I am to be happily married, it might even be “Good morning,
sweetie. What’s on your docket for the day?” Bottom line? There’s one thing or
another going on in your mind.
Whatever the stimulus is that’s coming in, you assign a meaning to it, you have
an emotion, and it’s those emotions that generate your reaction. That’s the way it
happens for most people. As you begin to understand that your emotions come
from the meaning you make of some thought or some external input, you can go
back to that thought, “unpack it,” and change it. This is where the ability to slow
down your thoughts will actually allow you to think more effectively, and to
choose better responses.
So, stimulus to meaning . . . meaning to emotion . . . emotion to action. This
whole cycle happens in an instant. It happens millions of times every day, and
almost always without our awareness.
Remember, the tricky part is that we’re usually only aware of the first stimulus
and then the emotion; the meaning is typically out of our awareness.
Try on the following statements: “I feel great when I’m around you.” “He made
me mad.” “That customer ruined my whole day.” Despite how these emotions
are stated, the real author of our feelings is NOT that other person. The real
author of our feelings is the meaning we make out of whatever caught our
attention.
Autopilot: The Mind’s Three Favorite Options
There’s another really important thing that happens in the mind: it does certain
things automatically—and without our awareness. It generalizes, deletes, and
distorts information. Let’s explore a few examples.
GENERALIZATION
Generalization is noticing how an experience is similar to other experiences. It’s
a natural process. We perceive people, things, and events by noticing aspects of
the experience that are like previous experiences. There are many kinds of doors,
right? Revolving doors, automatic doors, sliding doors, screen doors, the list
goes on, doesn’t it? But, they’re all doors. An upscale restaurant may have nicer
ambience, a specialized menu, more attentive service, and higher prices than a
family-style restaurant, but they both have food, tables, and servers—so they’re
both restaurants. And, of course, certain people remind us of other people.
Experiences remind us of other experiences. This is how our brain generalizes.
We experience a new thing or skill consciously a few times and after that we
delegate it. We do this all the time.
Even though generalization is useful and efficient, it can also get us into trouble.
For example, someone who reminds us of a friend may well be a very different
kind of person. A pepper in your food may look like a mild pepper you’ve had
before, but in fact be a very spicy pepper. Something that looks familiar, a
generalization, can lead to incorrect conclusions or ineffective actions.
Generalizations can also contribute to limiting beliefs. For example, all people
with green eyes are sexy or tall people wearing big boots are threatening. Such
generalizations submerge and become beliefs. And those beliefs then start to run
your life. Actually, beliefs are so strong that when you have a belief, it starts to
alter what you perceive. Now all these external stimuli coming in have to get
through these belief filters. Your mind doesn’t really get the raw information. It
doesn’t get to choose anymore.
Rather than getting the actual sound waves coming in, your brain just gets what
it hears. And hearing, like seeing, takes place in the brain, not the eyes or the
ears. The eyes and the ears are just channeling in vibrations, essentially
electromagnetic waves. It’s just raw data coming in, but your mind is filtering
that raw data and saying, “Is it dangerous? Is it safe? Is this interesting? Is this
significant?”
Your mind is filtering your experience to allow you to survive; so this is a good
thing. It’s just that you might want a little more flexibility in this area. That’s
one thing you’ll get as you explore the different Discovery Activities in this
book—because the more choices you have, the better off you are. Of course, to
create, examine, and make different choices, you have to use your brain, which
means not living on autopilot. That becomes a problem when beliefs that were
formed when you were a kid (knowing only what you knew then) are still
making your choices. Those old beliefs have largely chosen your work, your
politics, your mate, and your lunch.
As you explore your beliefs and start modifying them using the approaches in
this book, you will be able to have more choices available to you in the future,
and that is a very good thing. But, I digress.
DELETION
What’s deletion? Deletion is dropping away aspects of an experience. Deletion is
natural. When we perceive or remember someone or something, we often leave
out the background, other people and so on. That’s deletion. When we focus
intensely on something and everything else disappears, that’s deletion. When we
can’t remember something, that’s another form of deletion. When used
effectively, deletion helps remove the noise, distractions, and minutia of life, so
we can concentrate on what’s important.
Here’s a “deletion” experience you might be having right now. You’re probably
focused on reading these words, thinking about what they mean, arguing with
the ideas, or taking notes. What you’re ignoring perhaps is the feeling of your
body sitting wherever you’re sitting, on a hard chair, a comfortable couch, or a
cramped bus seat. You may not be paying attention to your body, your
environment, or what time it is. You may not be paying attention to the way your
feet feel at the moment. When I mention it, maybe you notice them, but not until
then.
Another example is when you’re looking for someone in a crowd, you’re
focusing on specific things and you’re deleting the background. You might scan
a group of people searching only for a certain thing—the color of a sweater, the
shape of a hat, or long blond hair—everything else in the picture is just
background; you’ve deleted the other elements.
DISTORTION
Distortion is changing an experience from what it actually is to some modified
form of what it is. (Let’s put aside whether you can really know what something
is and just explore distortion further.) Distortion, too, is natural. We perceive and
remember people, things, and events based on aspects of the experience: the
typical dog, the ideal friend, the worst vacation, and so on. This is a distortion.
It’s a bit of the experience, but we have dropped out a whole lot of details and
filled in the rest with imagination.
When we perceive a particular characteristic about someone, good or bad, and
apply it to all aspects of that person, that’s distortion, too. With distortion, when
we perceive someone as a slow talker, we might distort things so we imagine
that they’re also a slow thinker. Similarly, we may conclude that someone who’s
a sharp dresser is a sharp thinker. When you remember a moment of an event as
representing the whole thing, that’s distortion. When you tell the story of that
experience and leave things out and embellish others, that’s distortion. We do
this quite frequently.
These three ideas don’t really operate independently—they interact. For
example, generalization requires deletion, and is a form of distortion. It doesn’t
matter that you remember these terms, what’s important is that you recognize
that there are billions of bits of information flooding into your brain every
second—to manage all this, your awesome brain automatically generalizes,
deletes, and distorts information.
A Well-Oiled Machine: Body, Brain, and Mind
Each of us is a blend of three different parts: the body, the brain, and the mind.
These all work together and influence each other. A problem in one area affects
the others. For our purposes right now, here’s how to think about these parts:
THE BODY
The body is your physical body, your nerves, muscles, and circulation. Your
body includes your endocrine system and other organs that are constantly
adjusting your bloodstream to make you as effective as possible. Ever miss a
meal or a good night’s sleep and then discover that you just aren’t “up to par”
the next day? You may have all the information you need to solve a problem and
yet the solution just doesn’t come. What’s happening is that your body is
producing fatigue toxins, your blood sugar is low, or you’re having an insulin
reaction, and that chemistry is affecting your mind.
THE BRAIN
The brain is the three pounds of stuff inside your skull. This amazing organ is
where most of your consciousness takes place. The brain uses 25 percent of the
total amount of oxygen you breathe. It is composed of about 100 billion neurons.
Each neuron has one to ten thousand connections to other neurons. A single
human brain equals the entire computing power of our planet in 2007. The
human brain can perform 100 trillion calculations every second. What’s it do
with all of that processing power? A staggering amount of work!
The brain handles all of the information about how your body is working and
feeling, and all of the information about the outside world that is fed into the
brain. That’s a total of two million bits of incoming information per second! But
most of this data is handled automatically. We are only aware of a tiny fraction
of this information at a conscious level.
If we have a brain malfunction, either physical or chemical, it affects our
feelings. Things seem real to each of us in a way that no one else can possibly
understand. And once our mind is engaged with a negative thought, the body is
triggered to produce chemicals that can increase the negative effect and we spin
out of control. Physical brain problems can be the result of disease or injury.
Chemically, this can happen with too many martinis, prescription drugs, and
even some foods.
THE MIND
When someone has a sudden scare or flash of anger, it triggers a reaction in the
body. Their bloodstream is flooded with hormones and chemicals. Their heart
races and their eyes narrow. Their breathing increases and they get ready to fight
or run away. Chemicals like these go into the brain and change the way it works.
Then those parts of the brain devoted to higher functions, like creative thought,
shut down and other, more basic parts take over. When this happens, you
become a specialized survival machine. Back in the days when we were running
around in the tall grass and might easily become lunch for something bigger and
hungrier than we were, this was a good design.
This design is not as useful when we’re on the way home in commuter traffic
and someone cuts us off. Using our higher brain functions might be more
optimal when we’re driving two tons of steel down the freeway. This survival
design also isn’t very efficient if we’re in a work situation and some unexpected
remark triggers our “fight-or-flight” instinct. When that happens, we lose the
ability to think rationally and express ourselves persuasively. Again, it’s how we
interpret our situation with our mind that causes our brain to revert to our flightor-fight instinct.
So, body connects to brain, and brain to body. And your mind, the part that feels
like “you,” is a pattern of nerve connections in your brain. You are housed in
your brain and your body. But if someone were to cut open your body or brain,
they wouldn’t find a picture of your home, or the taste of chocolate milk, or the
sound of birds singing. All that you experience, all that you think, you create in
your mind.
The bits of data are stored in the brain, in billions of neurons, but to make the
connections and to create the experience that make up our lives requires “us.”
The brain is not a hard drive that can operate on its own. It takes our conscious
minds to make everything work so that we can ride a bicycle, go shopping, enjoy
a meal, or make music.
Different Planets: The Worlds Inside Our Minds
I bet you think you know what’s real, right? If we were in the room together, you
might assume that the world you live in is the same one I live in. Sorry, Charlie,
it just ain’t so.
As soon as we’re born, we begin noticing things. At first, it’s chaos. You can
imagine all that stuff flooding in, all those images, all those sounds, smells,
tastes, body sensations. What does your mind do with all this stuff? Well, it
develops languages, five languages. The only way you can think is to use
pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells; these are the basis of the mind.
For now, maybe you need to take my word for it that the world that you see and
the world that you live in is really IN YOUR HEAD. It’s in your head and no
one else’s. Your own mind is creating the world you live in. The relationships
that you have, the way you feel about the people around you, and the way you
feel about yourself are all filters, and almost all of these filters were created
unintentionally.
Because you’ve chosen to pick up this book, you’ve probably already done a lot
of work on yourself. You’ve worked on the content of your thoughts. You’ve
worked on what you think. Here’s my point: how you think can profoundly
affect what you think. Until now, you’ve had no tools to deal with how you think
and how that affects you. The process that we’re going to be immersed in is
dealing with the HOW, not the WHAT.
Your brain has sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell, but you don’t use them all
with the same intensity. Rather than talk about this more, let’s play with an
example of your own so you can discover your own personal world. Throughout
this book, I’m going to ask you questions you’ve probably never thought about
before. Even so, you’ll always know the answer, even if you’ve never heard the
question before. So here’s one to get started.
Discovery Activity:
Discovering Your Inner World
Think of the clothes you wore yesterday. When you think of them, how are you
seeing the clothes? Are they hanging in the closet or do you see them on your
body as though you’re looking in a mirror? Perhaps they’re laid out on the bed
before you put them on—or lying on the bathroom floor after you took them off.
There are lots of ways you might see yesterday’s clothes.
Here’s what I’d like you to do next. As you see them, notice how you are really
seeing them. After all, it’s not like yesterday’s clothes magically appeared in
front of you.
In your mind’s eye, can you actually see the clothes you remember wearing
yesterday? Take a good look at the image itself, how you see them. Notice that
you actually made a mental picture. This is your brain’s way of saying, “Oh
yeah. He said yesterday’s clothes; here they are.”
You automatically went in and retrieved the data. Your brain constructed this
image for you. This particular picture probably wasn’t filled in the way you’re
seeing it now. After all, as you went through your day yesterday, you filed
countless images of the day’s experiences. But you may have been unaware of
this particular image until you called it up in response to my question, so notice
that.
Here’s another example. No matter where you live, there’s probably a front door
to your home, right? Whether it’s a house, an apartment, a room, a tent, or a
cave, there’s some sort of way to close the entrance. I invite you to notice
something.
When I mentioned the entrance to your home, you thought about it, didn’t you?
And you can think of it now, and when you do you’ll notice that you know
exactly what it looks like. You can see the color and the form of the door or tent
flap, and you know what side has the handle, and exactly how to open it.
How do you know that? You may be thinking, “I just know it, that’s all, I live
there!” Here’s the deal: being able to imagine your front door requires a new
awareness on your part. You just have to look inside your mind, and slow your
thinking process w-a-y down so you can see your thoughts in slow motion, like
watching a movie frame by frame.
Think of your front door again. You see a picture of it in your mind, don’t you?
Check it out and you’ll see I’m right. When you think of your front door, you
can see it. You’d have to see it to be able to know what it’s like from memory.
So now you see your front door. Let’s open it and step inside.
Is there any sound as you open the door? Listen for a moment and notice the
sound of the door opening. Perhaps you hear the latch as it releases, a squeaky
hinge, the door scraping along the floor, or some other sound as the door opens.
Maybe you also noticed how heavy the door was or how cool the knob was
when you touched it. What physical sensations did you notice?
Again, it’s just your front door. But you have lots of information about it that’s
stored and automated. You only notice these pictures, sounds, and feelings when
you slow down and try to remember them.
Let’s explore a very different example that will show you more about how your
mind works. I’m going to ask you to think about something that I bet you’ve
never thought about before. Think of being at the beach, and think of using your
elbow to scratch something in the sand. If you’re right-handed, think of using
your left elbow. If you’re left-handed, think of using your right elbow. In other
words, this is an elbow with no special skills. Now, think of scratching the letter
A in the sand. Can you imagine doing that? I bet you’ve never done it before,
certainly not with your off-elbow.
Here’s an interesting thing. To imagine doing that, you have to see the letter A.
Maybe you saw it in the sand, but you began with the shape of the letter A in
your mind. You’re doing this and you’re sitting someplace reading this book.
My question to you is, what does that letter A look like in your mind?
We’ve all seen the letter A printed in lots of different styles and sizes. We’ve
seen it as big as a billboard and as small as directions on a jar. We’ve seen it in
an array of colors, bold script, lit-up letters on neon signs. But when you think of
the letter A, what comes to your mind? After all, your mind has a way of
producing the letter A for you.
Writing the A in the sand required you to do more than remember something
you’d experienced. You had to remember the letter A and how to write it, as well
as what sand at the beach is like. And you had to construct an imaginary
experience where you combined all these remembered elements—including how
to write with your opposite elbow! Your mind can do amazing things.
Okay, let’s leave the beach and go back to your door; remember how it sounds
and feels when you open it.
Think about other doors in your life, and think about how they sound.
Notice other differences when you enter other places.
Notice not only the sounds associated with the door, but perhaps the smell.
When you think of the door to a coffee shop or a bakery, a friend’s house when
dinner is grilling on the barbecue, the door to the gym, the door to the hospital.
Or maybe you might remember a different smell.
Think of other places you might visit in your mind. Let your mind wander to
your old school or workplace, or other homes and businesses. Think of parks and
outdoor spaces.
As you think of the different places you might visit, you may notice other
feelings attached to these memories.
Perhaps you need to walk up steps to a certain place, or pull extra hard on a
door. Or maybe your memory took you to a camping spot . . . somewhere wet
. . . or somewhere cold.
You might notice that your emotional feelings are different depending on the
place you think about visiting. They might range from unpleasant . . . to neutral
. . . to excited . . . to happy, depending on the experiences you connect to the
place you’re thinking about.
Here’s the reason. We live inside our bodies and the only way we can know
what’s outside our bodies is with our senses. We see, hear, feel, taste, and smell
the world, and that information has been flowing into our brains since a little
while before we were born.
When information first began to enter our awareness, there was no way to make
sense of anything, so it must have been pretty confusing for a while. Then our
brains began to put the sensations together.
As we learned earlier, our brains figured out how to sort and file this
information. It decided what went with what. It stored everything you have ever
thought, felt, seen, heard, dreamed, or imagined. Even now, as you read this and
check the memories and ideas that I’ve suggested, you are pulling up old
pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells from your personal storage.
Not Just Basic Cable: “Representational Modalities”
As your thoughts occur, your experience of life is represented in your mind in
words, pictures, taste, smell, and feelings. (Okay, usually just pictures, words,
and feelings.) Understanding how this works makes lots of things possible.
These phenomena are what we call—here comes the jargon—“Representational
Modalities,” or “Rep Modes.” Rep modes is a fancy label for the five senses.
Most of us tend to favor one rep mode over the others. Some of us will favor an
image. Some people favor voices. That’s me; I’m highly auditory. People like
me tend to remember something by the way it sounds rather than how it looks.
It’s better for me to remember a phone number by hearing it than seeing it. But
because now I both hear and see the phone number, it’s even easier to
remember. Other people remember more kinesthetically, which means physical
and emotional feelings.
The ways we behave and express ourselves reflect these kinds of thinking. To
give you a little preview, here are some broad generalizations. Auditory thinkers
tend to have more melodious voices and tend to talk a lot. Visual thinkers, like
my wife, Vikki, tend to talk more quickly. Kinesthetic thinkers tend to talk more
slowly.
There’s a difference in the way they process, too. Kinesthetic thinkers tend to
process things more slowly and thoroughly. They like to really get a feel for
things or have a firm grasp on the situation. They don’t get the point until
they’ve wandered all the way around it and have satisfied themselves that they
have completely covered the territory.
If someone is auditory, they really need to hear what you’re saying. These
people march to their own drummer and tend to make their own music. People
who prefer visual modes of thinking are people who see your vision, picture
themselves driving that new car, or talk something through until they can see
eye-to-eye with someone. Someone’s rep mode preferences are also evident in
their language (which you’ll learn more about in a later chapter).
The different ways our minds create thought, using these five senses, touch
every part of our lives. The more you think about that and the more time you
spend exploring these concepts, the more it will become apparent that these
processes affect every part of your life.
Most of us have grown up not thinking about the HOW of how we think. So, at
first, we may have a hard time doing that. Some of us don’t visualize as much
because we’re feeling people. Some of us are visual people, like “quick take”
artists, who get things really fast and then are on to the next thing. There’s a big
contrast between that kind of thinking and kinesthetic thinking, which is slower
and more thorough.
It takes all kinds, so wouldn’t it be useful for all of us to become a little more
well-rounded? All of us have access to parts of our brains that we just haven’t
used. You do what you do because it’s what you’ve always done. One of the
great benefits of learning about NLP is that you’ll have many more choices and
ways to think.
When you’re focusing on this book, you’re doing more than just reading, aren’t
you? You are adding NEW stuff to your memories and images. You are adding
your comments right now, as you read this.
I’m talking to you and you’re also talking to yourself. You might be saying
“That’s interesting” or shaking your head in disagreement. In fact, you’re doing
it right now!
And the next time you think of your front door or one of the other places you
might have thought of during this last Discovery Activity, you will also
remember where you were when you read this section of the book. You’ll
remember what you said to yourself and how you felt about what I’m telling
you.
So basically, in your mind, your brain has created a whole model of your world,
with every viewpoint you have ever seen, sensed, or imagined. When you think
of the world, you don’t actually think of the real thing; you just think you do.
What you actually are thinking of is your “model of the world” in your brain, the
way that you particularly remember it.
And your emotional reactions are determined by this internal personal reality,
not by the outside world. All of the information coming from outside is taken in
and blended with all of the information that we generate in reaction to it.
Mind affects body, body affects mind.
When we have an emotional feeling, our blood chemistry changes and affects
our brain even further. Round and round . . . mind to body . . . to mind, all
becoming part of even more memories stored for later use. All of these images
and sensations are stored throughout our lives, just waiting for us to call them up
to recall something we once learned, or to mix the information in new ways to
make something new and wonderfully possible for us.
What do you think that says about your memories? Did you think that you
remembered things just as they happened, as though you captured them with a
video recorder?
Actually, you store a highly customized version of your past, what may have
actually happened and WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT THE TIME.
Every time you revisit a memory, you see what really stood out for you, what
made an impression on you, and you don’t bother with the rest.
In other words, the foreground of the memory gets sharper with repeated visits.
In turn, the “background” gets duller and dimmer each time you remember the
important part and ignore the rest, which changes the memory even further.
This means that there are NO accurate and complete memories in a human mind.
Basically, your own personal history is a moving target. It shifts each time you
call up a memory.
Most people make these shifts unconsciously. They really think that their reality
is the same as it is for everyone else. It’s one of the main reasons why there are
so many disagreements between people about things that have happened, even if
both parties were at the same event.
Memories are highly personalized; they change with each new recall.
Mental Sticky Notes: The Power of “Anchors”
There’s another way your mind works—I call it mental sticky notes, although
the proper term is “Anchors.” Here’s a quick example to illustrate the profound
effect of an anchor. In fact, it’s probably one of the main reasons I’m married
today.
About fifteen years ago, I was on my way to my favorite bookstore. I’d just had
lunch with a dear friend who’s an NLP author and trainer. During our time
together, I told her I was feeling grumpy about my love life. I’d been dating a lot
of women; it felt sort of frantic to me and very tiring. I wasn’t getting anywhere
and I’d pretty much decided I was just going to stop. She said, “You make
commitments too quickly. You don’t need to cut off relationships, you just need
to go on a commitment fast for a while.”
I was musing over what she said as I went up the elevator to this bookstore, and
there was a very nice lady in the elevator who smiled at me. I smiled back. It
didn’t mean anything—there was no “come-on” at all. The elevator opened up,
we got out, and I forgot all about her.
I went into the bookstore and was just browsing when I heard a voice behind me
asking for help. The clerk said, “Oh, go down to the other end of the store and
ask somebody,” and I thought, “Oh man, this is my favorite bookstore and that’s
so unhelpful.” So I turned around to uphold the honor of the bookstore and
found that the woman with the question was the lady who’d smiled at me in the
elevator. When I asked her what she was looking for, she told me she’d just
graduated from college (in her forties) and needed a specific book because she
was starting grad school to become a psychotherapist. That’s when I brought up
NLP and we started talking.
She completely forgot about the book she was looking for, and eventually I
became embarrassed that we were standing in this aisle in the bookstore talking,
so I invited her next door for a cup of coffee. I needed to get back to my office,
but I thought I would take a few minutes and do a little missionary work on
behalf of my beloved interest in NLP. We went next door and we were having a
cup of coffee and we talked about everything: NLP . . . our kids . . . our ex-mates
(she was a widow) . . . our work . . . our interests.
It was a very pleasant time and I remember this moment like it was yesterday.
She was sitting on my left and as she talked, she would laugh at something she’d
said and lean over and gently place her hand on my left forearm. She’d say,
“And Tom, that was the funniest thing!” and I just liked her. I wasn’t romantic
about it. She was too young, too cute, too blond, just not on my radar at all. But
she was so natural and enjoyable to be with, I just wanted to talk to her some
more. So I made an arrangement to talk to her. The rest is history.
But here’s the thing. It’s fifteen years later. We’ve been married for fourteen of
those years and I swear I can still feel her hand on my left forearm where she
placed it the day we met. That’s an anchor, a very powerful one.
So anchors—whether they are kinesthetic, auditory, visual, gustatory, or
olfactory—that are momentary and out of our awareness can stay with us and
influence us for years. We have thousands of them throughout our lives. When
you start becoming aware of the phenomena of anchors, you will weave these
things into your consciousness and understanding and find little ways to work
with them to make your life more convenient or richer—just like you did when
you created a “Circle of Excellence” earlier in this chapter.
An anchor is anything that your mind uses to remind you of something else. As
an example, we’ve all probably had the experience, at some point, of smelling a
perfume, a cigar, or wood smoke, and instantly being transported to a different
time in our lives.
Maybe that smell reminded us of a parent or a teacher or a relative, or that wood
smoke reminded us of camping or barbecue, or a disaster. Bottom line, things
remind us of other things. The interesting idea here is that this phenomenon,
which is called anchoring, can be used deliberately.
Here are some other examples that you might not think of when I talk about
anchors. How about doorknobs? A doorknob means egress and ingress, so that’s
an anchor. Remarks are anchors. People in advertising know this well.
Sometimes the anchor was simply a color. But a powerful anchor might be an
image like a flag or a helmet. It might be a slogan that sounded almost like it
made sense, but it didn’t make sense unless you knew what it was we were
selling. All of these are anchors.
Here’s a phrase that most men react to as an anchor. A woman says, “We have to
talk.” That’s an anchor. What she means is “I have something I want you to
hear,” but what we say to ourselves is “Uh-oh.” Women have anchors, too. Not
being female, I don’t know what they are for sure, but maybe it’s when a man
says, “I’ll be a little late from work,” or “I’ll do that tomorrow,” or “I’ll get
around to it sometime,” or “Don’t bug me.” These are all examples of anchors.
Discovery Activity:
Creating a Personal Anchor
When you worked with the “Circle of Excellence,” you created a powerful
personal spatial anchor. Let’s experiment with another kind of anchor. You’re
going to create a kinesthetic anchor, a touch anchor, that you can use on
yourself, for yourself. How about an anchor that gives you a shot of confidence,
enthusiasm, optimism, and self-regard whenever you need it? Would that be
handy?
The nice thing about this particular anchor is you can do this anywhere, anytime
you need a little lift—whether you’re alone or in the middle of a meeting. Now,
here’s how to get the lift.
Use your nondominant hand for this activity. (If you’re left-handed, use your
right hand, and if you’re right-handed, use your left hand.) With the tip of your
thumb, find the spot that’s the second knuckle of your middle finger. Practice
touching that, because this is going to be an anchor we’re going to use in just a
minute.
Go back to a time when you actually had an experience when you felt optimistic
and happy. It could be anything.
For a guy, it could be a time that your girl said yes to the prom. For a woman,
maybe it was a time the right guy asked you out. Maybe it was a spelling bee or
a swim meet you won. Maybe it was when you were out walking, where you
were just overwhelmed by the good smells of nature and the wonderful feeling
you had.
Okay, take a moment to go back and find a memory, a specific experience, that
gives you the feeling of being optimistic and confident and happy with yourself.
It could even be something from a movie you watched or a book you read.
The next question might be “Well, what do I do with it?” or “I can’t find an
experience like that.” Let’s take these one at a time. The answer to “What do I
do with it?” is simply to go inside that experience. Remember how old you were
at the time, and go inside that experience and relive it and enjoy it.
Take a moment. Give yourself thirty seconds to really enjoy that memory, and
when you do, look around you and notice what you were seeing at the time.
Notice what you were wearing. Notice how your body felt at that time.
When you’re at the peak of feeling good, touch your thumb to that inside
knuckle. Just press it once. There isn’t much to it, but we’re not done yet.
Now what I’d like you to do is to go back to that memory and notice that feeling.
Now find another memory where you felt that good, or even better. Go through
your life and find another memory. When you’ve found that, go inside and
imagine that experience.
When you first found the memory, you may have seen yourself as if you were in
a photograph or a movie. Now I’d like you to go inside your imagination and
actually be yourself, and go through that experience. When you’re at the peak of
good feelings, again touch your thumb to that inside second knuckle of your
middle finger.
I have a question for you. What would it feel like if that positive feeling were
twice as strong? Just imagine what it would feel like in your body if that good
feeling were twice as strong, and again touch your thumb to your middle
knuckle.
Wow! Now imagine that it doubled again, and it doubles as you touch the tip of
your thumb to that knuckle. Imagine that. That feeling doubles again.
Okay, stop touching the anchor for a minute and take a step backward. If you’ve
done that, you’re probably back to your normal state, whatever you were when
we started this exercise.
Think of your phone number.
Backward.
Now what I’d like you to do is touch your thumb to that knuckle on your middle
finger again and just notice any good feelings that come up. Fascinating, isn’t it?
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/1-1.
Anchors at Work: Intentional and Unintentional Anchors
As I mentioned, this is a basic kinesthetic (touch) anchor. To strengthen this
anchor over the next couple of days, continue to go through your life
experiences, finding the ones that gave you great joy and great optimism, and
touch this certain spot again and again.
What this does is “stack” the anchors. This just tells your body and your
unconscious, “Oh, this is a thing I can do to make myself feel good,” and it
knows how that is because it’s felt good before. It’s felt good in the past.
The effectiveness of this technique requires that you do two things. One, it
requires that you actually use your imagination to relive a specific experience.
Two, it’s got to be specific. It can’t be theoretical. It can’t be general; it has to be
concrete.
A recent good feeling for me was when my four-year-old granddaughter came
up and said, “I love you, Poppa!” out of the clear blue sky. I melted and I just
added that to the thousands of other experiences that I’ve done this with over the
years. You can do it, too.
Here’s another anchor just to think about. If somebody’s near you and they’ve
put their hand on your shoulder, usually that’s a warm feeling. Some of us might
feel invaded by that, depending on the relationship or timing, but for most of us
that’s a warm feeling. And you may notice that good salespeople will do that
frequently.
For example, the Cornell School of Hotel Administration teaches hotel
management skills. They did research on waitresses and found that waitresses
who touched their customers’ hands or shoulders (even accidentally, but who
managed to make physical contact) earned an average of 25 percent higher tips.
That’s the advantage of what we call a touch anchor.
There are also other kinds of anchors. For instance, there’s a certain tone of
voice our loved ones have that we all recognize. Those are anchors. There’s
probably a tone of voice our parents had or our teachers. Those were anchors.
These might not have been positive, but they were definitely anchors; they
trigger a memory that has feelings attached to it.
When you’re facilitating a meeting or presenting to a small group, those of us
who’ve had presentation training have learned that if you’re going to take
questions, you move to one part of the stage and take questions from that
location. When you’re giving information, you move to another part of the stage.
Gradually, the audience becomes aware of when they have permission to raise
their hands and interrupt you, and when it’s not okay. Those are called spatial
anchors—like the “Circle of Excellence” you created.
We’ll be coming back again and again to how you see and hear things in your
mind, and the subject of anchors. This book introduces certain ways the mind
works, gives you plenty of personal experience about how your mind works, and
then shows you ways to use this information, first with yourself and then with
others.
So What? How You Can Use This Information
You might be thinking, “So what?” or wondering how you can use this
information. Here are a few examples.
If you’re haunted by some dark memories, they may be affecting your behavior
or limiting your choices. In this book, you will learn to change the way you hold
a specific experience, if you wish. Or, suppose you have a habit you want to
change. By managing the process of your thinking, you can learn how to shift
old unwanted habits into new and more useful ones. There may be other
behaviors you might want to adjust. Perhaps you’re shy, you put things off, or
you’re hesitating to explore the life of your dreams.
In these first few Discovery Activities, we’ve begun to develop an understanding
of how, by storing elements from our senses combined with some internally
generated comments and imaginings, we actually re-create reality inside our
minds. In the rest of this book, we’ll be looking at the many ways we can shift
the pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells in our memories so that we get
better results in our daily lives.
Here’s something else that always amazes me when I work with clients. You
won’t remember who you were when you began reading this book—because
you’ve already begun to change—but your friends and family around you will.
In fact, a couple of months from now, somebody is going to comment on the
changes they notice in you. They’ll see the difference between the way you are
and the way you were. They’ll notice a single, specific way that you’re different
—or the cumulative effect of all these things that you’re learning and applying—
which is why the first chunk of this book is about applying these processes to
yourself. When you have successful experiences with these different techniques
and ways of thinking, they’re real to you.
As you integrate these strategies into how you think and the choices you make,
they become second nature. What happens as you become more aware and more
expert is that you begin to see how they are at work around you in other people,
too—which is fascinating in a whole new way.
Because your NLP skills can heighten your awareness and personal
effectiveness, you want to keep them handy and sharp. After all, like any tool, it
only works when you use it, not when it’s stashed in a drawer. Let me tell you a
story about my friend Tom Dotz. Even though he’s been immersed in the NLP
field for years, running a major NLP institute in the United States, he still has
moments where he forgets to use his NLP skills.
I was visiting his Colorado office one day and we were about to go out to lunch.
Like most people, he felt compelled to check his email one more time before we
left. When he did, he suddenly looked much less than happy. “Damn, it’s soand-so again. I’m getting to the point where I just hate to look at my in-box.”
I couldn’t resist responding to such a limiting statement from my friend since it
wasn’t a reflection of how he usually thinks and behaves. And because Tom and
I have had a long and enjoyable friendship, I just laughed out loud. Then, with a
big Gotcha! smile, I said, “Well, Tom. It’s too bad you can’t do anything about
that.”
My choice of words was quite intentional. You see, Tom has a leaning toward
what, in NLP, we call “Counter-Exampling”—which means that if you give him
an absolute statement, he feels almost obliged to point out an exception—or two,
or more!
So when I jokingly said, “Too bad you can’t do anything about that,” I knew his
mind would automatically start feeding him ways he could. And it did.
“You’re right, Tom. Sometimes I forget to use my own stuff on me. I’m totally
congruent about changing this. One thing I can easily do is anchor a different
more positive response. Or, I could . . .” and on he went to list several more
ways he could change his response to his in-box to one that served him better.
The point is that knowledge is power—but only if you use it. After all, positive
and negative anchors are everywhere—someone’s name in your email in-box,
the tone of someone’s voice, the way they shake their head or chew their
fingernails may stimulate a feeling in response. When you notice a feeling you
don’t want (or do want) and trace it back to the cause, you will find a trigger—it
could be an image, sound, touch, or even a taste or smell—that sets that feeling
in motion. Then, you can do something to make your experience better. Once
you learn NLP, you always have the power to make positive changes. You just
have to remember and use the amazing selection of tools you have right at hand.
An Easy Ride: How This Book Is Structured
I’ve structured this resource in a way that guides you through your first reading
and makes it easy to refer to specific things in the future. Although I’d like you
to read the chapters in sequence because each chapter builds on the earlier ones,
the Contents (in the front) and Index (in the back) will help you look up anything
you want to revisit, and the glossary provides definitions of common NLP terms.
The book is divided into two sections. The first one (Chapters 1–4) focuses on
you—how your mind works and changes you can make to feel even more
confident and energized. The second section concentrates on your interactions
with others and how these can be easier and more rewarding.
Section 2 builds on the first section and enables you to apply what you’ve
learned to other people, not just to yourself. This doesn’t mean that you’re
changing or “fixing” someone else. (After all, it’s inadvisable to do that without
their permission.) It simply means that the same NLP concepts that helped you
understand how you “work” can help you understand other people. That new
understanding enables you to make different choices about interacting with them
—hopefully, in a way that’s more in line with your desired outcome.
Each chapter is a bit like a conversation where I’ll introduce different NLP
concepts and share examples that illustrate how these ideas are important. The
Discovery Activities give you an opportunity to explore these concepts as they
relate to you and changes you might like to make. After many of these activities,
I’ve provided an Internet link where you can access a demo of that process or
easily get additional information.
At the end of each chapter, there’s a quick summary of Key Ideas, as well as a
URL link and QR code to access a list of Bonus Activities and additional
examples that will help you enhance your understanding and NLP skills. The
two blank pages at the very end of each chapter offer you a place to capture your
thoughts and list future things you’d like to work on with the concepts you
learned during that part of the book.
In the final chapter, I’ve included highlights from the book and processes you
will have learned. To help you determine what next steps you want to take to
strengthen your NLP knowledge and skills, I’ve provided an easy 21-Day Guide
and a link to a list of my favorite NLP resources. My goal is to make becoming
an NLP power user easy and fun so you can create an even better life.
As I mentioned in the Introduction, NLP is more important today than ever
before because, in this world of ever-evolving technology, we are constantly
connecting—with people we work with, people we love, and people who have
information and/or access to others. We’re so busy responding, that we hardly
have time to think.
One final note for this chapter. NLP is a robust and evolving technology, so no
book is all-inclusive. This one focuses on key concepts and strategies that lend
themselves to a self-study format. It also focuses on you! Here’s why. Because
NLP was initially designed as brief therapy, many available resources target
helping other people make desired changes.
Yet, after years of working with NLP masters and trainees, it’s clear to me that
most people really want to use these powerful tools to help themselves. Using
NLP to become a better you isn’t a selfish thing—like putting on your oxygen
mask first during an airplane emergency, it’s purely practical. There are two
reasons. First of all, changing yourself is within your control. Second, when you
change any variable in an equation, the results change. As you change yourself,
you’ll notice how—without a word—people around you shift in response. This
phenomenon is fascinating and is likely to inspire you to make more changes!
So turn the page, and let’s start to explore more about how you think, and the
amazing things you can do when you choose to “customize” your thinking.
Key Ideas
• Our brains interpret the sensory input we get, and assign a meaning to
it. As soon as a meaning is assigned, it leads to an emotion. This is
unconscious, and fast, so that we have the stimulus and the emotion.
The rest is out of awareness.
• When we learn, we generalize. Because we had some experiences in
the past that seem similar, we generalize and automate; it’s an
efficiency strategy.
• Generalization is also how beliefs get formed; then beliefs filter all the
different stimuli coming in. The mind doesn’t really get raw
information; it no longer gets to choose.
• Deletion is when the mind ignores specific sensory input.
• Distortion is changing an experience from what it actually is to some
modified form of it.
• Each of us is a blend of body, brain, and mind.
• The world inside someone’s mind is based on five languages: sight,
sound, smell, taste, and feeling.
• The world each person sees and lives in is really the world inside their
head.
• People often favor one sense or “rep mode” over the others so they are
more visual . . . more auditory . . . or more kinesthetic.
• What people remember is a moving target; it shifts each time someone
calls up a memory.
• Our minds can recall what we specifically experienced and combine
remembered elements to create new imagined experiences and ideas—
which are critical to change and innovation.
• Consciously using mental sticky notes (anchors) is a powerful way to
strengthen positive mental “states” and diminish negative ones.
• Of the NLP Presuppositions, this book touches on the following ones:
> Experience has structure. It consists of sensory impressions. Some
are internally generated and others come from the outside world.
That blend, plus the meanings we add, makes up our individual
experience.
> People are like mapmakers. We make internal representations
(“maps”) of personal experiences. People’s maps are made up of
pictures, sounds, feelings, smells, and tastes. These are the
“languages of the senses” that our brains use to record our
experiences.
> The map is not the territory. Each of us creates a personal map.
It’s our world, not THE world.
> People respond to their maps of reality, not to reality itself. All
thought—memories, recall, imaginings, daydreams, fantasies—
can be called maps. They’re what we respond to.
> If you change someone’s map, their emotional state will change.
To all of us, the map IS the experience. Maps are the source of
emotions and beliefs. Our feelings change when our maps do.
> Some maps are out of awareness. We are unaware of some of the
maps that we have made; it takes language skills and sensory
acuity to identify these maps. They are in the unconscious.
> Behind every behavior is a positive intention. When we seek the
“outcome behind the behavior,” we will find a universally shared
need, like love, safety, self-respect, etc.
> There is no such thing as an inner enemy. Yet there are frequently
clumsy or misguided “inner friends” who have positive intentions
for us but tend to repeat inappropriate or outdated patterns of
behavior.
> Choice is better than no choice. No choice means slavery or
robotic behavior. Having choices in any situation gives each of us
the freedom to change and grow. Choice gives us more “clicks on
the dial.”
> People always make the best choices available to them at the
time. We do the best we can in the moment and we might be
happier and more effective if we had more choices available to
us.
> A system’s most flexible element has the most influence. When
we have more choices, we have more influence and more ways to
get our desired outcome.
> The meaning of any communication is the response it gets.
Communication is not a solo act. It doesn’t matter what our
intentions are; communication is defined by the reaction it gets.
> People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting. If
our results are not satisfactory, we can learn to develop more
choices so we can get different results.
> Every behavior is useful in some context. Every capability exists
for some useful reason.
> Anyone can do anything that anyone else can do. Since all human
nervous systems are similar (except in the case of actual physical
or mental limitations), we can model and learn each other’s skills
and attitudes. “Monkey see, monkey do.”
> Chunking: using small chunks to learn big stuff. People learn
easily by breaking big subjects into small chunks. For example,
these presuppositions are easy to learn, if considered a few at a
time.
> People already have all the resources they need. We either have
the experience in our memory banks or we are capable of
successfully imagining it. Then we can use it where it’s needed.
> There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. We are always
producing a result; if it’s not what we want, we can use the
unwanted result as feedback to guide us in experimenting with
other choices.
> The quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our
communications. How we communicate with ourselves creates
our personal experience and how we communicate with others
determines the way we are treated throughout our lives.
> Mind and body are part of the same system and they affect each
other. What each of us thinks affects our individual physiology, as
well as our health, and what we do to our bodies affects our
feelings and thoughts.
> Communication is redundant. People are simultaneously
communicating in all three systems—visual, auditory, kinesthetic.
> Positive change comes from adding resources. NLP helps us add
choices; it doesn’t delete.
> If what you are doing isn’t working, try anything else. If we keep
experimenting, we aren’t guaranteed success, but we can sure
stack the odds. The only way to fail is to quit trying!
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/1-
4 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER TWO: MANAGING YOUR MIND
Who’s driving the bus?
A man who has control over his mind
is able to realize its full potential.
—The Sama Veda
Because few of us understand how our brains and minds work, we don’t really
take charge. We don’t really know what pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and
smells are in our brains and minds, let alone how that information is impacting
us right now. Here’s the deal. The brain operates pretty much on its own, doing
its job to process information and keep us alive. In contrast, the mind is able to
focus on more than just survival; it affords us the opportunity to create and
choose from a myriad of options.
In this chapter, we’re going to explore the way our brains make sense of the
world, how to fine-tune that process, and how to deal with things that cause an
emotional reaction and pull us off our desired course, so we can better navigate
our personal journeys.
Where Do You Want to Go? Outcome Frames
Imagine this. Someone gets into a taxi and the driver asks, “Where to?” and the
passenger says, “Don’t take me to the airport.” It sounds silly and yet it’s how
many of us navigate our lives. It’s hard to get where we want to go when we’re
not completely clear or congruent about where that is. It’s easy to wind up
somewhere we don’t want to be and wonder how we got there, isn’t it?
So first, we need to know what we want: we need an “Outcome.” What’s an
outcome? It’s something you desire that’s achievable, appropriate, and
measurable. It’s easy to mistake a desire that’s a social influence for one that is
personal. Maybe you do want a private jet, but maybe what you really want is
just to be able to travel more easily. Owning and maintaining a personal jet is
pretty expensive, and there are many other easier ways to travel.
One of the most essential NLP processes is the Outcome Frame, because it
carefully and thoroughly addresses the elements that make up a worthwhile goal
that truly serves you. Leslie Cameron, one of the codevelopers of NLP, explains
it this way:
The Outcome Frame is a set of questions that orient your thinking to
maximize the possibility of your getting what you want and being glad
that you got it. It’s actually an orientation, a way of perceiving
experience as a set of choices. Rather than addressing the issue of why
a problem exists, it organizes experience around what is wanted, and
how it is possible to achieve it.
In NLP, there is an ongoing presupposition that if it’s possible for
one person in the world to do something, it’s possible for anyone to do
it; it’s only a question of how.
The “how” orientation of the Outcome Frame makes it possible to
turn the inevitable setbacks and stumblings that you experience into
valuable feedback. As long as you have a specified outcome that you
are holding constant, and know that it is possible to attain, a setback is
simply something that happens along the way towards your outcome.
The things you do that take you towards your outcome let you know
you are on the right track. Those that are disappointing indicate only
that what you are doing to attain your outcome is not useful and that
you need to change your tack.
Once I learned to use the Well-Formed Outcome, I wondered how I ever got
along without it. It’s so simple and effective that you can apply it to anything
you want. It’s especially helpful when you’re planning big changes, find
yourself stuck, or when you simply want to fine-tune a goal you have or are
pursuing. Let’s review the key questions and conditions of a Well-Formed
Outcome and then you’ll have an opportunity to apply them, using a simple
worksheet, to an outcome that you want.
The Well-Formed Outcome involves the following six questions, which we’ll
explore one at a time, using the sample goal of wanting to feel more persuasive.
• What specifically do you want?
• How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want?
• Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want
to have this result?
• What stops you from having your desired outcome already?
• What resources will you need to help you create what you want?
• How are you going to get there—and what’s the first step to begin to
achieve this result?
1. WHAT SPECIFICALLY DO YOU WANT?
W. Clement Stone said, “All personal achievement starts in the mind of the
individual. The first step is to know exactly what your problem, goal or desire
is.” Using the Well-Formed Outcome, a goal must be: stated in positive terms,
chosen by you and within your control, described in a sensory-specific way, and
have a manageable size or scope—which we call “Chunk Size” in NLP.
(Common NLP terms are described in the glossary at the back of the book.)
Here we go. Imagine that you wanted to feel more persuasive. Remember, if
your goal is to feel more persuasive, you can’t state it as “I don’t want to feel
pushy” or “I don’t want to seem like a know-it-all.” These aren’t really goals at
all. They’re simply a statement of what you don’t want. It’s too vague to ever
know if you had attained it. It’s also very hard for the brain to work with
negatives. How do you not think of a purple elephant? First, you have to think of
it and then try not to think of it. That’s just a big waste of energy. So every time
you think, “I don’t want to be pushy,” you first have to think of being pushy.
The only way to stop that thought is to think of something else. So why not just
go for what you do want, directly?
And you have to think, “Even though there might be factors, like a critical boss
or spouse, difficult customers, or product problems that may impact my
emotions, feeling more persuasive is largely within my control.”
To fine-tune what feeling persuasive is, I’d want to describe what that means to
me in specific, sensory terms. To do this, I ask myself, “What will I see, hear, or
feel when I am feeling and being more persuasive? Or what might other people
notice if I were feeling persuasive?” In response, I might say, “When I’m feeling
persuasive, I’ll feel like I’m really being helpful, that I’m giving someone what
they need to make a good decision. I’ll be breathing comfortably, thinking
clearly—easily accessing information and materials I need, and expressing
myself in a dynamic, helpful way.”
Because feeling persuasive is a large outcome, I may want to narrow that down.
For example, I might want to narrow the focus a little so my goal becomes: “I
want to be feeling more persuasive in my job.”
Next, I’d ask myself about the outcome of the outcome (the “Meta-Outcome”)
so I can try on what achieving my goal will do for me. What is essential, and
often missed, is that in any outcome or goal, you are unlikely to know how
satisfying it really will be until you have actually experienced it. In the case of
any large goal, you want to find or create opportunities to sample it before
investing what may be years of your life only to be disappointed. For instance,
before starting law school, an internship or administrative job in a law office
would be a good idea.
To explore my meta-outcomes, I’d ask myself, “What will feeling more
persuasive in my job do for me? When I’m thinking clearly, easily accessing
information and materials I need, and communicating effectively, what else will
that do for me that’s even more important?” When I think about this, I might
say, “My customers will respond more positively and give me more orders. If
they give me more orders, I’d make more commission. If I make more
commission, I could buy a better car. And, if I could buy a better car, I’d feel
more comfortable taking those long road trips my spouse loves.” You get the
drift—this line of thinking about the “Meta” (next-level) outcomes took me from
getting more orders to taking long road trips!
2. HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE IT?
Because I now have refined my goal using the first question and subquestions, I
can more easily address this next one, right? This question requires me to create
evidence—so I’ll know if I’ve achieved my goal or at least am making progress.
Establishing appropriate and timely evidence invites me to consider how soon,
or how frequently, I want to have this outcome. As the saying goes, a goal is a
dream with a deadline. Absent a commitment to take action, little is ever
accomplished.
So when I ask myself, “How soon do I want to feel more persuasive at work?” I
may be tempted to answer, “Right away!” A more realistic approach is to
identify a time frame that allows me to take the necessary steps to achieve my
goal—but doesn’t leave things in a “someday” type of holding pattern. So, I
might say, “I’d like to feel more persuasive at work by end of second quarter
because I’ll get to present my sales numbers at our June meeting—and my
results will reflect my increased feeling of persuasiveness.” This gives me a
specific target date. To establish additional evidence, I could determine
benchmarks for my current orders and sales dollars.
3. WHERE, WHEN, AND WITH WHOM DO YOU WANT IT?
The objective of this question is to determine if the goal is “Ecological.” To give
you a silly example of a nonecological goal, there was a man in Indonesia who
wanted to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. The record he chose was
one for which there wasn’t much competition. Although that makes good sense,
he decided to pursue the record for the longest time buried alive. He survived his
first attempt, but fell short of the record. Unfortunately, he didn’t survive his
second attempt.
Of course, you wouldn’t do anything that extreme, yet people frequently find
themselves pursuing all sorts of goals from the small (that ideal pair of shoes) to
the lifetime ones (a law degree, a marriage) only to realize upon getting them
that they weren’t worth the sacrifice.
How much better to consider this in advance? How do you make sure you don’t
choose a goal that might prove to have disastrous effects? Here’s how you do
that. Try it on. This might be by imagining what it will be like to achieve your
goal. If you don’t have enough information to make a mental movie, it may be
advisable to identify opportunities that would enable you to try it on.
If, for example, your goal is to become a doctor, you might want to volunteer
with the Red Cross or try working in a hospital before making a twelve-year
commitment to the extensive medical training required. Also, if the goal you’re
considering is something major like a career goal, assessing elements like
income potential and costs are basic and essential ecology checks. So another
way to explore ecology is to ask, “How could pursuing and getting this outcome
be a problem for me?” You see, ecology checks are there to protect you.
Another ecology-oriented question is “How will my desired outcome affect my
life? How will this affect my health, friends and family, finances, and work?”
Even though the meta-outcomes I came up with were attractive to me, I didn’t
consider how the potential ripple effects of getting what I want might affect the
people who are important to me. For example, feeling persuasive might change
my behavior and, consequently, some of the friendships I currently enjoy at
work. My coworkers might become more competitive with me. My boss could
be happy, but he could also be intimidated. If I really excelled and got promoted,
I might be asked to transfer, which I don’t think my spouse would like because
our children are all nearby. You get the picture.
A twenty-six-year-old client of mine dreamed of being a speech pathologist and
was the first woman in her family to earn a college degree. When she got it, she
was surprised that her family wasn’t more excited. In fact, they treated her as
though, all of a sudden, she thought she was too good for them. This potential
reaction had never occurred to her. So if you’re having trouble anticipating the
ripple effects, get some input from people who know you, your situation, and
your significant others well. There’s no guarantee or threat that what you come
up with will actually happen as a result of getting your outcome—but it’s
important to anticipate these possibilities.
4. WHAT STOPS YOU FROM HAVING YOUR DESIRED OUTCOME ALREADY?
The purpose of this question is twofold. First, it helps you generate a list of
action items. Second, it can reveal what you’re thinking and feeling.
So when I ask myself what stops me from feeling more persuasive, I might be
thinking, “I need a better script for positioning our latest product” or “I need to
memorize our latest research data.” Whatever answers I come up with simply
become tasks on my to-do list.
However, when I ask myself what stops me from feeling persuasive, I might also
find myself feeling frustrated and thinking, “In this economy, it’s really hard to
make appointments with prospects.” This limited thinking stops me, and it’s not
completely true. Other salespeople are getting appointments with prospects. So
even though it may be challenging to get appointments and I may need to
experiment with different approaches, it is possible. After all, it isn’t likely that
these potential clients won’t see anyone new, is it? Identifying what’s real and
what’s not makes it possible to create a workable strategy for achieving a goal.
Asking questions like these helps you reconsider and refine goals that have been
producing mixed feelings.
5. WHAT RESOURCES WILL YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CREATE WHAT YOU WANT?
There are two parts to this step. First, what resources do you already have that
will contribute to getting your outcome? Second, what additional resources will
you need in order to get your outcome? (In NLP, “Resources” might include
knowledge, time, experience, money, contacts, support, and so on.)
So now I’m wondering, “What resources do I have right now that I can use to
feel more persuasive at work?” Upon reflection, I might notice that I feel and am
most persuasive when my presentation materials are well organized and I can
easily put my hands on the right data or collateral. I might recall that I feel more
persuasive and helpful when I tell success stories about how this solution has
worked for other clients. And I might decide that because I have a proven track
record with them, my current customers are often very open to new solutions I
recommend. Talking with them to find out what their needs and challenges are
helps me understand what’s important to them and how I need to share
information if I’m going to persuade them. I guess I could even ask them for
referrals.
So, what additional resources do you need in order to get to your outcome?
When I try this on in terms of my goal, I’m thinking that some additional sales
training on getting appointments could be useful. I could check out what’s
offered online or in my community. Maybe my boss could be a resource, too. I
could record my phone calls and get coaching on what I could have said or done
differently.
Sometimes when we’re feeling stuck, it’s hard to think of what resources might
be useful. Checking out the Internet and online groups, or brainstorming with
colleagues or friends, can help loosen up our thinking and open up new
possibilities.
6. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THERE?
Without action, a goal is just an idea. In addition to a timeline, a useful plan
breaks the who, what, how, when, and where into manageable chunks. Since
talking with current customers will move me closer to my goal, part of my plan
would include a list of which customers to contact and compiling a list of key
questions to ask them. My plan might also include some Internet research and
networking on appointment setting so I could strengthen my selling skills and
not feel so flustered when someone isn’t yet ready to meet with me.
Although chunk and sequence size are critical to a successful plan, having
options about how to accomplish a goal is also essential. In NLP, we operate on
the premise that more choice is better. So a plan whose success depends on just
one way of doing something can be a recipe for disappointment. Ideally, a plan
is just a road map. You use it to get where you’re going, and it includes alternate
routes.
That’s an overview of the Well-Formed Outcome. So, right now, think of at least
three things you want. It might be as simple as “What I want to get out of this
book is . . .” or as complex as “I want to travel more.” List these “wants” you
came up with on the blank pages at the end of this chapter.
Discovery Activity:
Creating a Well-Formed Outcome
Pick one of the wants you just identified and use it to apply the Well-Formed
Outcome, answering the questions using the worksheet on the following two
pages.
Well-Formed Outcome Worksheet
1. What specifically do you want? Describe your desired outcome or state in a
positive sensory-based way that’s an appropriate chunk-size and also
addresses WHAT ELSE having or achieving your outcome will do for you
(Meta-Outcomes).
2. How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want? Determine if
the “evidence” you’re focused on is appropriate and timely (soon and
regular enough).
3. Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want to
have this result? Reflect on the context(s) in which you want to have this
outcome and evaluate the ecology so you can consider how achieving this
result may affect other areas, aspects, or people in your life.
4. What stops you from having your desired outcome already? Identify and
explore any feelings, thoughts, or circumstances that seem to inhibit
movement toward your outcome.
5. What resources will you need to help you create what you want?
Determine what resources you ALREADY have that will help you
(knowledge, money, connections, etc.). Consider additional resources you’ll
need to move forward.
6. How are you going to get there? Identify manageable steps to help achieve
your result, consider multiple options to get where you want to go, and
determine the FIRST step you’ll take.
To use the Well-Formed Outcome for other goals, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-1
or use the QR code with your phone.
One of the most valuable uses of the Well-Formed Outcome may seem
counterintuitive. Updating your goals and throwing out ones that you realize
don’t fit is every bit as useful as creating ones that do. Maybe they did at one
time, or maybe they were just nice to think about. Now, having taking these
through the outcome process, the achievement is to take them off your list. Good
for you. That frees up your energy and time for the outcomes you realize you
really do want, that are worth having, and that you are ready to move toward.
Being of Two Minds: Congruence/Incongruence
“Have you ever felt like you wanted to go, but you felt like you wanted to stay?”
That lyric from an old Jimmy Durante song is a great example of something we
all experience. It’s that sense of an inner conflict, like one part of us wants to do
one thing, and another part of us wants to do something else. Or it can seem that
we’re just uncertain about what we really want to do. NLP calls this
“Incongruence”: times when you feel conflicted about a goal or a situation.
You can also feel incongruent about a more pleasant conflict, like when part of
you wants to go to the mountains and part of you wants to go to the beach. More
important is when incongruence reveals a conflict in our values. Imagine, for
example, that your boss told you that you need to be more aggressive with a
certain customer. Yet, to you, being aggressive means being pushy, and being
pushy violates your values and your sense of who you are.
You’ve also experienced times when you’ve felt no doubt or conflict, and
everything seemed to be going your way. This is frequently referred to as “being
in the zone” or being in a flow state. In NLP, we call this being “Congruent.”
Learning to detect when you are congruent, and when you are not, is a very
important life skill. The more you are aware of your personal signals of
incongruence, the faster you can identify and resolve the conflict you’ve
uncovered. The faster you resolve any incongruence, the easier things will be for
you and the more effective you will be because you’re not spinning your wheels
and unconsciously resisting or debating an issue.
Incongruence is a real source of friction in our lives. It takes a lot of personal
energy to overcome a part of you that’s really opposed to a certain course of
action. The more you try to override that part, the more likely it is that the
unwilling part of you will object more strongly. And when you fight with
yourself, you tend to lose.
It’s far more effective and in the long run simply easier to develop the ability to
notice when you’re incongruent and resolve it. It’s one of the easiest skills to
learn and one of the most rewarding. One of the greatest sources of emotional
and physical stress is when your mind is trying desperately to override your
body’s righteous desire to stop you from doing something that violates your
integrity. The most effective way to turbocharge your life is to learn to move in
harmony with your values.
Here’s how. We’ve all had experiences of being completely congruent about
something we wanted. Just think back to when you were a child and you really
wanted that special toy for your birthday, or you really wanted that cherry
Popsicle on a hot summer afternoon. In your adult life, you’ve had lots of
experiences of being congruent about something you wanted. It could be as
simple as knowing you craved Thai food or wanted to see that new movie.
Discovery Activity:
Recognizing Incongruence
You’ve had many recent experiences of being congruent about something you
wanted, right? So simply think of the first one of those recent situations that
comes to your mind. Now, very specifically remember the time and place where
you felt that way. Remember who, if anyone, was around you, where you were,
what you saw, what you heard, and what you felt. Remember that experience
now as if you were there and looking out from your own eyes. What are you
seeing now? What are you hearing? What are you feeling?
Recalling all that is pretty empowering, isn’t it? Right now, just pick one aspect
of that memory, whether it’s a picture or something heard or felt—one aspect
that seems most important to you. It’s your mind, so whichever element seems
most important to you is the one.
Now, set that aside, and consider the opposite experience. Think of a time when
you were really uncertain, when you really felt ambivalent about something that
you were supposed to do. It’s often easier to find a useful example when you
think of something that someone else wanted you to do and you didn’t really
want to.
Think of that experience now, with this difference. Remember it as if it were at a
distance, as if you were outside of it watching someone else. Watch that memory
from outside, and notice—what’s the first thing that let you know it was not
something you wanted to do?
Now take that feeling, sound, or image and magnify it, make it louder or larger
or brighter or stronger. You want to be sure that you’ll recognize it every time it
comes up. This is your warning signal. This is the signal that will let you know
you need to really pay attention and sort out what’s going on. Whenever you get
that signal, it’s time to stop the action, step back, and thoroughly assess your
situation.
This is why I’ve found that creating a congruent Well-Formed Outcome is such
an indispensable tool. When you make it a habit to review your goals and
dreams through the Outcome Frame and your Congruence Check, you’re less
likely to get into situations where you find yourself in conflict with others—or,
more important for the moment, with yourself.
Are You In or Out? Being Associated or Disassociated
In the two memories you just recalled, you may have noticed something
different about the emotional impact. If you followed the instructions, in the first
memory you were “in” the experience. NLP calls this an “Associated”
experience. In the second memory you were outside the memory observing
yourself, and that’s called a “Disassociated” experience.
The technique of associating and disassociating is really useful and here’s why:
When we associate into an image or an experience, whether it’s real or
imaginary, it’s much more intense for us. When we disassociate from an
experience, we are watching ourselves in it and we still get most of the
information from that image, but not the emotional impact.
The ability to recall an experience in a disassociated way allows you to observe
it more impartially. Think back to the two different experiences you
remembered. In the first experience, which was associated, you were in your
feelings. In the second one, the disassociated experience, your feelings were
observed from outside. They were “over there.”
If you have a memory that feels yucky, I suggest that you always visit that
memory disassociated. There’s no reason to feel those old yucky feelings again,
even once. You can still access the information by just seeing the movie, if you
even want to do that. If a memory is really bad or traumatic, there are powerful
ways to deal with it.
It’s fascinating to me that some people tend to see all the unpleasant things,
whether they’re real or imagined worries, as associated. In this way, they’re
doing a lot to make themselves unhappy. Even if they’re not doing it
deliberately, it’s a bad habit that causes them to get in the image and live the
yucky bits. And, all the pleasant stuff, they view disassociated! If you
sometimes do this, you can easily turn that around. You could immediately start
changing your life outlook by noticing all of your experiences that were pleasant
and revisiting them in an associated fashion, so you’re actually reliving the
experience. Try it; it will enrich you.
Because you’re a different person than you were at the time the memory was
created, and you know more today than you did then, you’ll be able to perceive
and understand more things about that past experience. Here’s why. All of the
data that was available is stored in your brain, so you can look around now and
notice things you didn’t notice before. This is the same phenomenon that makes
hypnosis so effective. In hypnosis, you may have access to information that you
ignored simply because it was in the background at the time.
It may be that you would choose to view all of your unpleasant memories, your
worries, and even things about the future disassociated. Why live through them
again? It was probably bad enough the first time. It’s unnecessary roughness to
do it again. There’s no reason for it. If your brain says to you (or if you’ve been
taught), “Well, that’s how we learn,” that’s not true, it’s not. You’re really smart.
You can learn the first time. You know what you like and don’t like, and you
know what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. There’s no necessity for or
benefit from any continuing punishment.
Subtle Distinctions That Matter: Sub-Modalities
Association and disassociation is just one example of the finer distinctions our
sensory systems make. In NLP, we think of the senses as “Modalities,” and the
unique and subtle qualities within each modality are called “Sub-Modalities.”
Because these distinctions reflect and impact how we feel, we refer to these as
“molecules of meaning.”
Just as learning to view your memories in a disassociated way can change your
experience of that remembrance, discovering how to tinker with the other submodalities of your experiences can dramatically change how you feel about
something and how you integrate it into the way you think about things in the
future.
Because exploring sub-modalities is interesting and fun, much has been written
about them and we could easily spend a lot of time on each one—but we won’t.
Instead, you’ll have an opportunity to discover the sub-modalities of sight. Later,
you can apply these same steps to exploring the sub-modalities of your other
senses.
Discovery Activity:
Tinkering with Visual Distinctions
The process of making these discoveries may be unfamiliar and yet you’ll know
the answers to the questions I ask. My experience is that you’ll have enough
information available to you to recognize the differences between generalities
about human behavior and the particulars that are very specific to you. In fact,
you already successfully did some of this fine-tuning in the last activity.
Let’s get started by exploring a specific example where you can compare and
contrast a few of your select mental pictures.
Right now, I want you to imagine your favorite food, the one food on the planet
that you most enjoy eating, and just imagine a picture of it. When you’re seeing
that picture, hold on to that in your mind’s eye.
Leave that in one place, and now look at the food that you like the least, and
observe the differences between the two. They may be in different positions in
your imagining. If you really look at the images, you may find them with one
slightly to the left and one slightly to the right, or one higher and one lower.
But look at the pictures and notice the differences in brightness. Notice also the
differences in nearness. Which one’s closer? Notice if there are any other
differences in the pictures. As an example, does one have a frame around it? Is it
kind of flat? Is one in color and one in black-and-white? Is one smaller than the
other? Is one still and the other a motion picture?
The modality of vision is optimal to play with because most people are usually
somewhat aware of their pictures or mental movies. We can easily access and
reference them and notice that they have a lot of distinctions. These differences
make a difference, as you’re about to experience. You already know about
association and disassociation, so let’s try to experiment with that sub-modality
and several new ones.
Look back and find a very pleasant memory that you may not have thought of
for some time, something that you really enjoyed. Actually go back as if you
were having that experience right now, so you’re actually “in” it. As you look
around, you’re seeing what you saw at the time of the original experience. You
can see what you saw.
Now, step out of it so you just see it as a movie with yourself in the picture. You
can see yourself in that movie wherever you were.
When you were first remembering this pleasant memory, you weren’t seeing
yourself in a movie, you were “there,” right? So when I asked you to step out
and see yourself in a movie, that was a brand-new image that your brain just put
up there. I have no idea what camera angle it picked or how distant you were,
but your brain just automatically selected something.
Many of us experience memories as though they’re mental movies. When you
step into your mental movies and associate, you find that you can turn your head.
You can see all the way around. When you’re associated, it’s like you’re really
in the picture. When you’re disassociated, it’s like you look at it from a slight
distance. Most of the information we have in our heads, we see in a disassociated
way.
So let’s get back to this really pleasant memory of yours. As you’re in the
picture, go back in and associate into the memory so you’re reliving it, and as
you relive it, increase the brightness and notice any changes in your emotions
about that.
Now don’t bring the brightness up to blinding, but if you gradually increase the
brightness, most people notice that they feel more attracted to that experience or
that picture. It has more impact on them.
Now do this: Decrease the brightness slowly, slowly. Let it dim down until the
image is hardly visible and see how that changes your feelings about it. Then
brighten it up again. Bring it back to normal or better than normal (if you like
that and it was a good experience for you).
There are some exceptions here. For instance, if your really pleasant memory
involved candlelight, then increasing the brightness might take the romantic
feeling away. Similarly, if you had a yucky feeling about being afraid of the dark
and you make it dimmer, that’s not going to work because you’re even more
afraid of the dark because you can’t see.
So there are some places where brightness and dimness might work in the
opposite way you expect, but you’ll quickly discover when that’s the case and
can readjust the brightness to give you a positive effect. Now that you’ve
experimented with brightness and associating, I’d like you to play with a
different memory in these same ways.
Take an unpleasant memory. Now do not associate into this; see it about five to
ten feet away from you in your mind’s eye, as if it were a movie, and notice how
your feeling changes about that memory when you do that, when you push it
away from you a little bit and when you’re outside it.
Then dim the picture. Slowly turn the brightness down on the picture and notice
the change in your feelings. These are new sensations, so I don’t expect you to
be moaning with ecstasy or shuddering in horror. These are brand-new
experiences and you need to get used to this. Your brain has been doing this for
you all of your life.
Now let’s try another one. From your vast scrapbook of pleasant memories, pick
another really good experience that you had in your life. This time, I’d like you
to see the memory like a movie. If you had a dozen memories like that, maybe
you pick out one. What I’d like you to do with this pleasant memory is increase
its size and notice how that changes your feelings about it. Notice how you may
be more attracted to it as it gets larger.
And if you decrease its size so it’s smaller than other memory photos that you
might have lying around, you’ll notice it’s less noticeable and less attractive. It
has less draw for you.
The sub-modalities of vision are fascinating. In addition to brightness, distance,
and size (which we played with), there are sub-modalities that involve color.
You can have the contrast turned up so it’s very harsh light and dark. There can
be just a lot of gradations of gray and pastels or the colors can be rich and vivid.
An image may also be shifted from two-dimensional to three-dimensional. It can
be crystal clear or it can be fuzzy.
A picture can vary in scope; it can even appear with a boundary around it.
Usually you don’t notice these subtle distinctions.
When you think of a picture of a grandmother, immediately some image pops
into your mind. I don’t know what that image is, but if you study that image
you’ll notice whether the image is in a context. Do you see that person actually
doing something? Is the picture moving? Is it still? And as you look at the
image, does it have a boundary around it? And is the boundary a formal frame or
does it kind of fade out or is it sort of irregular?
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-4.
To make it easy to play with different adjustments, in the Bonus Activities for
this chapter you’ll find a chart of sub-modalities for vision, hearing, and feeling.
Take notes about your experiments of tinkering so you can identify which subtle
distinctions make the biggest difference in your experience.
What’s Your Day Going to Be Like?
Sub-Modalities and Your Emotional State
Because you can influence your experience of the past, present, and future by
fiddling with your sub-modalities, imagine how much more pleasant and
compelling your life could be if tomorrow you started to consciously shape your
day. This is a self-management process that you can use to make your life easier
every day.
Here’s an example. When I wake up and I’m just coming to the planet, I ask
myself five questions before I let my feet hit the floor. My first question is
“What am I looking forward to today?” The second question is “Longer-term,
what am I looking forward to?” Having something to look forward to gives me
and most people a sense of direction and purpose.
The third question is “Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?” If the
answer is no, then this is an important area to explore because there’s no reason
why anybody should be doing things that don’t lead them to their goals. Some
people who find themselves on an unproductive path discover that their goals are
unclear or not compelling.
When I ask this third question, I immediately hear the voices that have been in
my head for decades saying, “Well, I have to do it. I have responsibilities. I have
commitments.” Right, we all do. Truth be told, almost all of those
responsibilities and commitments were voluntary. What you’re doing each day
should be managing your time and energy, because that’s the best thing you can
do to support your goals.
The fourth question is “Am I being my best friend and supporter right now?”
Are you your own cheerleader or your greatest critic? Research has shown that
people who cheer themselves on generally do better. They’re happier and they’re
actually physically healthier than people who are constantly criticizing
themselves.
The fifth and final question is to scan your five senses and ask yourself, “Am I
present in my body, here and now, feeling what I feel, seeing what I see now,
hearing what I hear, and am I enjoying the gift of being alive?” Think about that.
Are you in your head? Are you in your chest? Are you aware of your whole
body? Are you fully inhabiting it?
If you’re not in your body, you may be experiencing the kinds of negative
feelings that hold some of us back or hold all of us back some of the time. Let’s
talk about when we’re not in our bodies. If I’m feeling worried or anxious, I
check myself to see if I’m in my body, and I find I’m really not. I’m often in my
head probably just thinking about the future and occupying some future space
that’s unpleasant. That’s how I rehearse worry, so the smart thing for me to do is
to stop that and come back to being in my body right now.
One way to stop this sort of free-floating is this very simple physical technique
you can do almost anywhere. I just take several deep breaths, focus my eyes
upward, change my physiology (if I’m sitting down, I stand up; if I’m standing, I
sit down or stretch), and all of a sudden I’m back in my body and in the present.
Now, when I look at that future worry, I disassociate from it. I make sure that the
picture that I’m seeing is away from me. This way I still have the information,
but I can make notes and determine if I need to make some changes or take some
action. This physical and mental “reset” enables me to deal with the concern
constructively instead of being a victim of the experience.
The phenomenon and impact of sub-modalities is very powerful, and the shifts
you make with them can last a long time.
The Way You Do the Things You Do:
Understanding Motivation
Another important aspect to understanding how you work is to discover how you
are motivated. A fun way to explore this that is also sort of counterintuitive is to
play with getting unstuck from procrastination. Now, you may not have this
issue, but many of us (especially entrepreneurs) do, because we always have
more on our to-do list than we seem to be able to get done.
When someone is stuck, they usually complain to a friend or walk into the
therapist’s office saying, “I can’t get anything done. I can’t do my taxes on time.
My boss is yelling at me because I don’t turn my expenses in on time. I don’t
know what’s wrong with me, doc. Help. Can you fix me?”
At this point, they’re usually seeking help pretty late in the process. After all, by
the time they’re aware of the problem, which is being stuck, a whole lot of
things have happened, right? Let’s take a look at how that worked.
The idea is to reel back the movie to before the person was stuck. Being stuck is,
after all, also a behavior. If a person doesn’t do something, that’s also an
activity. (Rosa Parks’s refusing to move from her seat on a bus? Pretty profound
activity that was.) They have to intend to do something and then stop
themselves.
Before that behavior, there was a feeling. There was a feeling of motivation to
do something. It might be to do something bad like eating too much chocolate or
smoking too many cigarettes or giving in to unfair demands or it might be to do
something good such as doing work on time or being more attentive to a friend.
So, when you’re exploring motivation and procrastination, go back to the time
right before the behavior and you’ll find a feeling. You may actually find a
series of feelings that flicker by so rapidly you’re not aware of them until you
get stuck; then you get anxious about being stuck. So let’s go back before you’re
stuck. How did you get stuck?
Discovery Activity:
Exploring Roots of Procrastination
From my personal experience and the people that I’ve coached through the
years, it’s clear that we all generally have some sort of an image in our mind of
what we want to do and then, alas, something else comes up. It’s either an image
or a voice that says, “But don’t. Wait. Wait a minute.”
The experience is going to be different for all of us, but what I’d like you to do is
to find a time when you wanted to do something and you didn’t do it right then.
You hesitated, and you put it off. Maybe you eventually got it done, but it was
difficult for you. You either put it off or you did it by overcoming huge internal
resistance. Notice the picture you called up about this experience. Notice any
feelings this image brings up for you.
I’m pretty sure you don’t like that picture, and that you’d like to make it go away
or alter it, so here’s how to do that. As you look at that experience, keep going
back to before. Keep going back before until you get to a place where you fully
had the intention to do whatever it was.
Now, if it was your intention to do it, if you wanted to do it, if you’re clear and
congruent about that, then you can move forward and find out where the block
is. Let’s say that this task is something you knew you needed to do, maybe you
wanted to do, even if you were not going to like doing it, for example, taking out
the trash or flossing your teeth. After all, we do many things we don’t like, but
we know we’re going to do them because we need to do them. Yet this particular
task wasn’t getting done. Perhaps it had a deadline and as the deadline was
approaching, you were getting more and more nervous.
So go back, and there’s a point where your brain produced a cue that said, “I’m
not going to do that now.” What do you see? What feelings does that image
bring up for you?
This picture and the feelings you have will provide you with insight into what’s
underneath your procrastination. As you are exploring, you may encounter a few
cues that other people commonly notice. The most innocent one is a distraction.
It acts like an anesthetic. “Oh, I’m just going to do this for a second,” and then
you find that a couple of hours have flown by. These are just side trips that take
you away from your destination.
If that was something that happened for you, if you look very, very closely
you’ll find that there was a picture or a voice that suggested something
distracting, like “Oh yeah, I really need something salty right now. I’m going to
go downstairs and make some soup,” or “I’m just going to check the Web.
There’s this one site that I need to check out. I’m going to go look at it now,” or
there will be somebody you intended to call. The important point is to find the
moment that you went from intending to do, to doing something else, and find
the sequence of pictures, sounds, and/or feelings that you experienced.
That Damn Report: An Example of Procrastination
Recently, I worked with a forty-three-year-old sales rep who felt that
procrastination was becoming a problem for her. She had to produce a report and
waited until the very last minute—right before we were scheduled to talk—to get
it done. I could relate to her dilemma because putting off a report is something
I’m very familiar with. I was an expert at that when I ran my company. In my
case, I put it off because I just don’t like homework. I didn’t like it when I was in
school and I don’t like it now. The picture in my mind was a picture from the
eighth grade of me doing fractions, which I hated. I didn’t have much of a choice
then, but I do now, so I sometimes find myself procrastinating.
When I asked my client what came up for her when she thought about putting
off a report or a phone call, she said, “If it hadn’t been for the deadline of talking
with you, I probably wouldn’t have gotten it done yet. One of the things is that I
had to have money to go with it, so I had to make sure I had the money. That’s
always stressful. I guess it’s like you; it’s just this boring detail that I don’t like
to do.”
Accepting her explanation would have been the easy path, but we persisted until
she realized that she saw a picture of an administrative assistant who used to do
these reports. Now she feels frustrated and resentful about not having someone
to help her. She was stunned to find this clue to her procrastination.
Two for the Road:
Tips for Uncovering Roots of Procrastination
Of course, determining a solution is a separate step, but identifying the clue to
what’s at the root of procrastination is the first thing. You want to find the image
that’s linked to this behavior. And it’s not always easy because the mind
automates tasks. We’ve been doing certain things for years and no longer notice
them. We have to be patient and thorough to understand what’s underneath a
behavior.
Here are two tips to keep in mind when you’re trying to identify what’s at the
root of something you’re procrastinating about.
Tip #1: Slow Down, Way Down
When you work on one of your issues, what I’d like you to do is to stretch out
the point where you procrastinate. Slow down the mental movie and run it in
slow motion. Go from the point where you intend to do something because it’s
on your list to do, to the point where you put it off. In my client’s case, this
report was being done at the last moment. There was probably an earlier time
when she could have done it and it would have been easier and much more
convenient for her, right?
So when you’re looking for that image or voice that stops you, put the movie in
slow motion. Look for the image first; then listen for “Not now. I don’t want to
do it now.” Don’t think about the thought, because the thought comes after the
image. The image is being presented by the unconscious. In a moment, I’m
going to give you some ways to blast through that, but first I’d like to explore
why looking inside ourselves and finding the pictures and sounds in our heads is
essential.
You have a right to do this exploration and adjustment. It’s your brain. There’s
no reason why you shouldn’t get in there and look around. It’s just a new skill.
Just be patient and take your time. If you examine anything in your life that
you’ve been putting off, it’s likely that the reason you put it off is that your brain
is trying to protect you.
Now, it may be trying to protect you from something that bothered you when
you were five, ten, or fifteen years old or from something recent that was
traumatic for you. Here’s the thing: when people are doing this, it’s not because
they’re broken; it’s because they’re working perfectly. When you put something
off, that’s perfect. You’re doing something very well. You’re doing it so well
you can’t change it by effort of will. That’s pretty impressive. So the solution is
“Okay, let’s not fight anymore. Let’s study the process and then find the detour
point.”
Imagine for a moment that you had a paperwork task that you were putting off.
I’ve had clients in this situation, who once they saw the image, realized, “Oh,
this is a cartoon. I’m sitting at this desk and this pile of papers is like ten feet
over my head. That’s ridiculous.” Or they saw an image like a movie image, but
it was right in front of them and it was larger than life and it was all this work
they had to do. Or they saw a piece of paper or stack of papers that was all
messed up with scratch marks on it and staples in the wrong place and pages
torn, and it was really scandalous to turn in to anybody because it was very
poorly done. There are lots of ways that we have of making ourselves afraid to
do something and we’re not even aware we’re doing it.
Tip #2: Recognize Confusion for What It Really Is
In your process of trying to uncover the root of your procrastination, you may
have moments where you feel confused. What you need to know is that feeling
confused is code. Confused usually means either afraid or angry. It’s code; it’s
protecting you. When you feel confused about something, if you look around
you’ll find there’s a feeling under there that’s probably even less pleasant than
confused.
I invite you to, in your head, start running your movie in slow motion. Define the
points of decisions, and the points of decision are not where the feelings are.
They’re before the feelings came up. Remember, the structure goes like this: you
have a thought, you make a meaning out of it, then you have an emotion, and
then you do the behavior.
For now, let’s not worry about changing behavior. That’s the wrong end of the
lever. We need to work backward, because the easiest thing to manipulate is the
image or trigger itself; there’s no feeling attached there. There’s no risk. I want
to give you a couple images that you can play with right now that could make
things easier without all this kind of archaeology.
Discovery Activity:
Reducing Internal Resistance
Procrastination is a form of resistance. Here’s another effective strategy that
works well with resistance. It’s called the “Godiva Chocolate Pattern” and it
doesn’t really have to do with Godiva chocolate (unless that’s your favorite
thing). Here’s how to work with this process.
I want you to make two images. The first image I want you to make is of your
favorite thing to do. I would say not sex, because that involves somebody else,
so make this something that you might do on your own—whether it’s eating
Godiva chocolate, being in a boat fishing, playing solitaire on your smartphone
—something that you really enjoy doing. Remember what it was like to do that
and what it will be like to do that again. Actually be in that image so you have
the feeling of what that’s like.
Once you’ve got it, put that image out in front of you a ways. Then, between that
image and you put the image of the task you’ve been putting off, only see that
task disassociated. In other words, that it’s just a picture. It’s a still picture of the
task, however you represent it—whether you see yourself doing it or whether
you just see the task itself as a pile of papers, a cluttered garage, a tax form to be
completed, a dirty cat box, or a phone call that needs to be made—whatever it is.
Just see the task itself.
Now, right in the center of your picture of the task, make a little pinhole so you
can see your favorite thing that’s behind the task. Notice how the picture is
brighter. You can see through it. Open the pinhole a little bit so you can see that
really good thing. Open it until you get the feeling of the really good activity. As
soon as you get that feeling, hold on to that feeling and start closing that pinhole.
If the feeling starts to go away, open it up again until the good feeling gets
strong.
This is a simple but very powerful motivation process well worth practicing
repeatedly so you can more easily accomplish whatever you want. Review the
step-by-step process at a time when you’re alone and can get in touch with your
feelings without being interrupted.
For now, here’s a quick summary of the process. The strategy is based on the
picture that’s behind the task. The task is between you and the thing you want to
do. You just open up a little window in the task so you can see through it to the
thing you want to do, a thing you love doing. This window becomes your iris
that opens until you begin to get the emotional connection to the thing you like
to do, then you very slowly close it down. What will happen is your motivation
will blast you through that task. It’ll change your relationship to the task.
Guaranteed.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-7.
As I said earlier, these techniques are a technology, not voodoo; so you should
test them ruthlessly. Do this process and then set it aside and ask yourself, “How
do I feel now about that dirty cat box, cluttered garage, report, phone call, or
whatever it is. Do I feel any better about it? Am I more likely to do it?” If you
don’t feel better, go back and try this process again.
Been Down Too Long?
The Power of Inner Voices and the “Auditory Swish”
Based on hundreds of clients that I’ve personally worked with and thousands of
clients that my trainers have described, we’ve learned that anxiety, jealousy,
fear, and irritation (those energizing emotions) are frequently visually oriented.
Yet when we feel depressed or discouraged, these downbeat feelings are
generally from an auditory cue, a voice in our head. Here’s a way to notice that
and deal with it.
Discovery Activity:
Removing Negative Auditory Cues
I’d like you to listen for an internal voice, a voice that maybe crops up and
discourages you from doing something, or robs you of your self-confidence. It’s
completely arbitrary and automatic. These are artifacts from our early lives that
we’ve generally outgrown, but the voices are still hanging in there. They’re just
echoing away because we never turned them off.
So go inside and notice what voice you hear. Here’s an easy way to find it. Take
the feeling that you have that’s a downbeat feeling: discouragement, shame,
sorrow, or even some negative self-talk, like “I can’t do this,” or “Nothing good
ever happens to me.” If you listen very carefully, you may hear somebody else’s
voice talking to you.
One thing to notice is what direction it’s coming from. We have two ears
because humans are designed to localize sound; so it’s going to be coming to
you from above and behind you or from one side or from the other side. You
may start out thinking that it’s coming from inside of you. But even if you’re
talking to yourself, the voice is coming from someplace and it’s interesting to
notice where it is.
When we talk to ourselves, the voice is generally coming straight at us. (In a
moment, you’ll learn how to change that.) If it’s somebody else’s voice—a
father’s, teacher’s, or coach’s (as it was in my case)—then it’s typically coming
in from one side or the other, and generally behind you and above you, because
these voices were recorded when you were small.
In many cases, what you hear is something that was or has been repeated. It
could be an unkind comment, like “You’re lazy.” It may have been repeated
over and over or said only once, but it just rattled on in your head. Any time you
need to move out a voice that isn’t working on your behalf, follow these steps.
Let’s go through the highlights so you can do it. Although detailed instructions
are provided as part of a link at the end of this chapter, try it now if you want to.
First, get your brain to hear that voice, and as soon as it hears it, as soon as the
first sound starts, press the volume control so it quickly fades out; it doesn’t even
complete the first word. You can’t even understand the first word. It just fades
out completely. That’s Step 1.
Step 2 is fun. You know how in a restaurant or an airport or movie theater,
you’ve looked up and just glanced in someone’s eyes as they walked past and
you have an idea about that person. “That person has a good sense of humor,
that’s nice,” or “I wouldn’t want to make that person mad,” but you get some
knowledge or impression of that person.
What I’d like you to do is to create an image of yourself, the you that’s reading
this book, just a half step ahead of this moment. Have this person, this future
you, facing you. When you look into this person’s eyes, into this “you,” the only
difference is you see that this person doesn’t have that voice. You can just look
at them and know that. Now note that they are saying something to you.
They’re either saying, “I feel good about myself,” or “I feel safe.” You choose
the statement, one or the other, and that comes right at you but it doesn’t go into
your head. It sort of rings around your head.
You know how when you run a wet finger around the lip of a crystal glass, it
makes the sound of a bell ringing? Well, this is like a crystal bell that’s upside
down over your head, maybe at eye level, so the rim is at eye level and this
sound is ringing around and around and around your head. Hear it now: “I feel
safe. I feel safe. I feel safe,” or “I feel good about myself. I feel good about
myself. I feel good about myself.” This is the future you. This is the wonderful
you who no longer has that negative voice in your head. That’s Step 2.
Step 3 is the sound of the surf to wash it all away. As you listen now, you can
hear it just like the waves sizzling on the sand, and then it repeats. As soon as the
voice starts, that first yucky word, it just fades out and turns into “I feel safe. I
feel safe,” or “I feel good about myself,” and then the sound of the surf, and then
the steps repeat. This easy and effective process is called the “Auditory Swish,”
which was originally developed by Richard Bandler.
As the CEO of a manufacturing firm, I learned that frustration, irritation, and
anxiety were my occupational hazards. I always seemed to feel one of these
emotions (which, as you might imagine, is not ideal for someone with
employees). Because I was signing people’s paychecks, it made them feel
uneasy when I was difficult or short with them or someone else. When I noticed
these feelings or behaviors, I tapped on the brakes and checked in with myself to
see what was going on. If it was an image that cued up some negative emotions,
then I shifted my experience by playing with my visual sub-modalities. If I was
hearing a negative or critical voice, I’d use the “Auditory Swish Process.”
Emotions as Passengers, Not Drivers:
Choosing and Changing Your State
Feelings really are just options and I’ve seen people make important shifts when
they treat their feelings as options instead of as things they have to endure. As
you learn and experiment with the information in this book, you will gain
significant influence over how you feel from day to day or moment to moment.
You get to make choices here. How much of a difference that will make for you
depends on how much time and energy you put into using these skills.
As you get more and more tuned in to how you feel, it will become easier to go
back behind the feeling to notice the image or the sound that triggered the
emotion, or the body feeling. During the next couple of days, I encourage you to
notice the emotions you’re having and to immediately explore what’s behind
them. Ask yourself: “When did that start? What was I thinking just before that
started?” First, you’ll find the thinking you’re aware of, then look beneath that.
“Was there any image in there or was there any sound that teed up the feeling?
Was I making a comment to myself that sort of biased me . . . flavored things . . .
and took the energy out of something . . . or made me particularly happy?”
You’re likely to find that you’re talking to yourself all the time and so are other
voices. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a whole Greek chorus of voices in
my head that are chiming in, spontaneously noticing things and commenting, in
some way, on everything. You’ll also find there are lots of images flashing that
you largely ignore. After all, if we pay too much attention to these movies in our
heads, we’ll never get anything done. But they are, in fact, going on all the time.
As you become aware of them, you can make changes. The good news is that,
given a better choice, your brain will continue to choose that better option.
Curiosity: A Preferred State
Once I learned NLP, here’s what I did to address my personal frustrations,
irritations, and anxieties. I call it the “Curiosity Shunt Installation.” (Refer to the
link at the end of this chapter to access a detailed summary of this process.) I did
some research on emotions and I found that the emotion of curiosity is really a
curious emotion. It’s a very neutral and engaging emotion that affords you
greater flexibility.
All parts of the body like curiosity. Curiosity actually helps grow T cells! It
helps grow new synapses in the brain so the immune system gets stronger.
People function better when they’re engaged and curious.
When you’re curious about something, a lot of the blocking self-talk and images
go away. Once you’re curiously exploring the answer to something, it’s amazing
how a lot of negative stuff just disappears and how this state of informationgathering opens people to new possibilities.
Here’s what used to happen for me when I was managing a manufacturing
company. When I got frustrated, I would think of what was frustrating me. A
vendor didn’t ship a part on time so we couldn’t meet our manufacturing
deadline, so we were going to be late shipping stuff. We were going to get a bad
reputation. Then I’d start all over again. “Well, the vendor wouldn’t ship on
time, so yada yada yada,” and it was a loop.
The more I did the loop, the more frustrated I got. As you might imagine, I did
the same thing with feeling irritated or feeling anxious. “Suppose this goes
wrong. Then this would happen and this would happen. Then suppose this goes
wrong. This would happen and this would happen.” Same damn loop. You get
the picture.
I thought it would be really nice for me if, as soon as I became aware that I was
stirring up one of these negative, unresourceful, and unproductive states, I would
remind myself that I could be curious instead.
So immediately I’d think, “That would be really nice. As soon as I start feeling
irritated, I’m going to get curious about the cause of this irritation.”
Well, that put me in a whole different frame because then I was curious about
the cause of the irritation rather than mad at it. And I’d want to know what
caused that irritation. Was it me? Was it the other guy? Was it something I
missed somewhere? Could I have done it better? How could I change it? How
could I make peace? What curiosity did was kick my brain onto a completely
different track.
Sound good to you? I hope it does. Because it resonated for me, I studied how
frustration, irritation, and anxiety worked in me. I began to notice exactly how
each of these feelings began. Then I looked at what happened just before that.
You may be surprised to discover that it’s not different experiences that create
these familiar feelings. It’s not “Well, it was this vendor, it was that guy.” No,
no, no. It’s not that. It’s actually what you said to yourself about that or it’s the
picture you made about that. The emotions are triggered by a cue. The cue is
going to be the same even though the stimulus is going to be completely
different because the cue leads you to the emotion. It’s so well rehearsed, it
happens really fast. It’s a flash just like greased lightning.
Because it’s a fast, automated process, it’s sometimes difficult to find what’s
driving us. The only way to do it is to slow things down, take a few deep breaths,
and run the mental movie at half speed, quarter speed, or 10 percent speed really
slowly, back before you had the feeling. And to discover, just before you had the
feeling, what happened.
You’ll be amazed and amused. You’ll find there will be an image or a phrase
that will trigger you, so here’s what you want to do. If it’s a phrase, as soon as it
comes up, press the volume control on the machine so the voice quickly fades
out. If it’s an image, you can use a Visual Swish. Go to http://eg.nlpco.com/2-5.
In both cases, here’s what you want to see: Right in front of you is the wonderful
you. Here’s you without this problem. This you is perfect. He or she is dressed
just like you are at the time, but this you is curious. “Hmm, I wonder what
started that? That’s very interesting.” This you has a look of curiosity on his
face. The facial expression this you has is one of sincere curiosity.
What this other you says is “Wow, I wonder what started that?” Then you have
either the sound of a wave to interrupt the old pattern or, if you can actually see
this other you, you can have a flash of white appear, like what happens when the
film breaks in the movie theater. You need a blank screen. You need a break
before the cycle starts again. So try that.
Again, the step-by-step directions for the “Curiosity Shunt Installation” can be
found by following the link at the end of the chapter. And, to quickly
summarize, it’s three steps. You find the cue for the emotion, you start to destroy
the cue, and you immediately replace it with a future you who doesn’t have this
issue and who’s curious. Play with this process and you’ll experience a profound
shift.
Depression: Auditory Cues That Hold the Story
Earlier in this chapter, I mentioned that negative feelings are often linked to an
auditory cue. Before I give you some tips to deal with depression, let me start by
saying that I’ve really shifted my attitude about it. I’ve lived with people who
have clinical depression and I’ve suggested they see a doctor and get a
psychoreactive drug, because depression can result from a physical ailment. If
depression is long-lasting, take it seriously whether it’s in you or in a friend, and
seek professional help. Before I learned about depression, I used to think, “Well,
just tough it out.” Now that I see how painful and debilitating depression is, I’m
much more sympathetic to how difficult it is to cope with.
With depression, it’s also important to reframe its purpose, and here’s what I
mean by that. Depression is illogical. To become depressed, we have to take a
problem or bad news and we have to make it personal (it’s only happening to
us); we have to make it pervasive (it happens no matter where we are, no matter
what); and it happens forever (it’s permanent).
We call these conditions the 3 P’s: personal, pervasive, and permanent. They’re
the way someone achieves depression. Depression is when a person takes
discouragement and makes a habit out of it, which is a really painful way to go
through life.
If you’re feeling down, that the world is against you, or that nothing is ever
going to work out, go inside and explore what’s happening. As you do this,
remember there is no inner enemy. Even if you’re feeling lousy and you don’t
know why you’re feeling lousy, it’s wise to assume that there’s a positive reason
for that. Something inside is trying to do you some good, even though you feel
lousy.
Listen to the inner voice. If the inner voice is a broken record that’s just going
over and over and over again, there are two things you can do. One is to
disassociate: stop being in the picture and get outside the picture so you can see
yourself in it. If it’s a voice, let the voice talk to you from across the room. Make
the voice more seductive or make it sleepy. Make it a child’s voice that yawns.
Maybe it’s time for it to take a nap.
Your objective is to find out what’s going on in your head to produce the
emotion, and then to interfere with that sequence. Now you can experiment with
different changes to your sub-modalities until you experience some relief to
heaviness, darkness, weighty silence, or whatever stored information you
discovered.
Shaping Your Experience:
The Habit of Fine-Tuning Sub-Modalities
We’ve covered a lot of ground in this chapter, but you can reread it or review the
key points and/or follow the link at the end of this chapter to get detailed
summaries of the processes. What we’ve been doing here is exploring the
pictures, sounds, and feelings in our own brains. Finding them is sometimes the
tricky part. But once you begin to find them, you’ll start looking and listening
more intently. You’ll notice the difference in location, the difference in size, the
difference in brightness, intensity, and all the aspects of pictures, sounds, or
feelings.
As you examine these different representations and tinker with one of the
qualities, you’ll discover that your responses and emotions will change. As I said
earlier in this chapter, sub-modalities are called the “molecules of meaning”
because they’re what give us the meaning. It’s a little weird how you get a
meaning from a picture that’s bright or a picture that’s dull, but part of you says,
“Good. That’s the way I like it.” This is the way your brain has bookmarked
everything!
You can enhance or reduce the impact any picture, sound, or feeling has on your
experience. If, for example, you have a positive emotion and you look inside and
realize, “Yeah, I’ve just looked at my kids and they’re playing by the pool,” or
“I’m at a family barbecue,” or “I’m with buddies playing cards,” or “I’m with
the girls out having coffee,” or whatever it is, if it feels good, make it brighter.
See if you can make it even better.
If it feels bad, then get disassociated from the picture. Make it small, push it
away from you, and notice how that reduces your negative state.
Over the next several days, step into your own mind, and pay attention to the
positive and negative states you experience. Explore what goes on in your head
when you have these feelings. Notice the images, sounds, and feelings, then use
the tools you’ve learned in this chapter to change them. It’s fun and the results
are amazing.
Ready to learn more about living in the zone? Then, read on.
Key Ideas
• The brain operates pretty much on its own, and its focus is survival.
The mind is able to focus on more than just survival; it affords us the
opportunity to create and choose from a myriad of options.
• The Well-Formed Outcome process is a deceptively simple set of six
key questions that enables its users to flesh out and evaluate a goal
before committing to it and a course of action.
• Feeling uncertain or conflicted can be an internal signal called
incongruence. If the conflict is about something unpleasant or
something that goes against someone’s values, incongruence can be
like a smoke alarm. There may not actually be a fire, but it’s prudent to
determine what set it off.
• The structure of experience is based on five representational systems
called modalities: pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells.
• Each modality has different qualities, subtle distinctions that are called
sub-modalities. For example, some sub-modalities of vision are:
location, brightness, and size.
• Sub-modalities impact how someone experiences a memory. By
changing a sub-modality, a person can alter their experience, making it
more positive, neutral, or negative.
• Associating into the picture usually makes the impact of seeing the
image more intense (either positive or negative) for the person.
Recalling difficult memories in a disassociated way reduces the
emotional charge and makes it easier to get the information related to
that situation.
• Feeling an emotion is just an option.
• Most of our emotions, interpretations, and reactions are so well
rehearsed that they’re automatic and the initial “cause” is out of our
awareness. To understand what’s going on with you, slow down the
mental movie so you can more easily discover the “cue” (picture,
sound, feeling, taste, or smell) that produced a feeling.
• When striving to discover a specific “cue,” some people may discover
they are distracted or confused. Often, these reactions are just detours
taking you away from the real destination.
• To improve your focus and productivity, consider asking yourself the
following questions at the beginning of every day.
1. What am I looking forward to today?
2. Longer term, what am I looking forward to?
3. Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?
4. Am I being my best friend and supporter?
5. Am I in my body and enjoying the gift of being alive?
• Someone can feel depressed when the three P’s are at work: personal,
pervasive, and permanent. Depressed people may benefit from
exploring related auditory cues and tinkering with those submodalities.
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-
10 or use the QR code with your phone. This link includes a summary of the
“Curiosity Shunt Installation.”
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER THREE: LIVING IN “THE ZONE”
Whoa, is my brake on?
Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and
farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your
thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
—Brian Tracy
Some conversations, some projects, some relationships, and some days seem
effortless—and most of us prefer to operate in that optimal zone. So in this
chapter, you’ll learn how to improve your energy, confidence, focus, and
productivity. You’ll discover how to remove energy obstacles, increase your
ability to persevere, amp up your enthusiasm and optimism, and much more.
High or Low? How Expectations Impact Performance
The expectations we have shape our experiences. They can make us feel as
though something is a piece of cake, a worthwhile challenge, or an impossible
dream, right?
Let’s say, for example, that you’d like to change jobs. You might say to yourself,
“I could easily change jobs because it’s never been a problem to do that before.”
Or “It will be interesting to see what attractive opportunities are out there and
how I can use my connections to help me find what I’m looking for.” Or you
might feel discouraged before you even begin because it took your best friend, a
talented professional in your field, eight months to find a decent job. Notice how
these very different perspectives and expectations would influence what it’s like
to explore various employment opportunities.
This dynamic is at work in our lives all the time. Yet quite often our expectations
are out of our awareness—and they may not even be accurate! Even so, they can
be very powerful. So, how can we make expectations work to our advantage?
Let’s play with a simple example.
Discovery Activity:
Exploring Your Expectations
This activity will show you that your expectations are imaginary. Please stand
up. For this exercise, choose an area where you have the space and privacy to
move freely. (If you are reading this where you have an audience, either go
someplace where you can do this alone, or wait until later.)
Stand with your feet stationary—about shoulder width apart. Now, extend your
right arm straight out from the right side of your body, then rotate your torso
gradually to the left. Bring your arm around to the left as far as it can go. Using
the hand and arm that’s now across your body, point to the farthest place in your
rotation—and notice where that is. Then come back around.
This is a very simple but helpful exercise because it teaches your body
something important. An old Maori wisdom says that knowledge is only rumor
unless it’s in the muscle. This honors the difference between seeing and doing.
Now, as you’re standing still—relaxed and breathing easily—just imagine that
you can simply rotate your torso and arm farther to the left than you did just a
moment ago. Just imagine what it would feel like if you were able to loosen up
your torso and your shoulders so your right arm came much farther around to the
left.
Now actually extend your right arm—and swing it around slowly to the left. Just
for fun, find out how far you can go this time. Don’t bend your elbow. No
cheating. Just notice that because you imagined going farther, you probably did
go farther. It might not have been 50 percent farther, but it was certainly farther
than you went the first time—even though the first time I asked you to turn as far
as you could and I believe that you consciously intended to do that.
In the Mind’s Eye: The Power of Mental Rehearsal
What’s important to take away from this is that whenever something takes place
in the mind first, you’re likely to have a better performance—simply because
you’ve already tested the reality of it. In fact, top athletes visually rehearse their
performance as part of their workouts and preparation. To test the power of this
phenomenon, Professor L. V. Clark of Wayne State University conducted a
study in the 1960s to determine the effects of visualization on the free-throw
performance of basketball players.
In the study, first the athletes were tested to determine their free-throw
proficiency. Next, they were randomly assigned to one of three experimental
groups. The first group went to the gym every day and practiced doing freethrows for one hour. The second group also went to the gym, but instead of
physically practicing, they laid down and simply visualized successfully
shooting free-throws. The third group did nothing. In fact, they were instructed
to forget about basketball and told, “Don’t touch a basketball—don’t even think
about it!”
What happened was interesting. At the end of thirty days, the three groups were
tested again to determine their current free-throw proficiency. The players who
hadn’t practiced at all showed no improvement in performance; many in that
group actually exhibited a decline in performance. Those who had physically
practiced one hour each day showed a performance increase of 24 percent. And
the visualization group, by merely imagining themselves successfully shooting
free-throws, improved 23 percent!
Researchers concluded that visualization enhanced motor coordination and
intrinsic motivation. Bottom line? You can improve your performance by
mentally and/or physically rehearsing a task or interaction to expand and refine
your expectations.
In Sync: The Link Between Physiology and Energy
The first thing I want you to consider about energy is that the mind, the body,
and the brain work together—they’re in concert. So it’s important to use the
body in a conscious way because it will affect the mind. Let’s work on
enhancing your physiology right now because it will help you feel more
energetic and get more out of the rest of this chapter.
Tip #1: Breathe into It
If you straighten your spine, even in this moment as you’re reading—straighten
your spine, bring your chin up slightly, and breathe deeply and slowly—two
things will happen. First, the rhythms in your brain will begin to deepen. You’ll
start to relax, and oddly enough, you will also increase the level of your
intention. This is an example of energetic physiology.
Just as conscious breathing is a technique to enhance the harmony of brain and
physiology, there are other ways to minimize the impact of energy obstacles. In
addition to deep breathing, here are a few things you can easily do that will raise
your energy level and keep you living in the zone.
Tip #2: Hydrate Your System and Your Brain
The second simple energy improvement tip is to drink plenty of water. Today,
most Americans and Europeans are dehydrated. In previous eras, in which we
were outside and our lives were more physical, we would drink water every time
we had a chance. Now we confuse our bodies with coffee, tea, and sodas, which
are all diuretics. Drinking pure water hydrates the brain and that actually
increases the speed with which you can transfer nerve impulses. It also keeps
your energy up, smooths out your digestion, and helps your skin. Like exercise,
this is a simple practice that will pay immediate and long-term dividends.
Tip #3: Break Tasks into Small Bites
The third strategy, based on the Pomodoro Technique, is to take a physical and
mental break. About every twenty minutes, change your posture and get out of
your seat. If you work sitting down, get up. If you work walking around, sit
down. Take a brief break about every twenty minutes—and a longer one about
every two hours. The positive effect on productivity is so apparent that many
people set a timer to remind them to shift their physiology—and avoid the
temptation of “Oh, just another ten minutes . . .” which can easily turn into an
hour or more!
This technique has such a good track record of increasing energy and
productivity that many management consulting firms have adopted this
approach. Basically, all you need is a timer, your list of to-dos, and your
appointment schedule so you can divide your work into twenty-minute segments
with breaks in between. This way, you’re working in thirty-minute blocks.
That’s more manageable, right?
This method increases productivity by guaranteeing that you take some kind of
break to refresh. By committing to shorter, focused work states, you’ll find you
can stay at it. If you don’t challenge yourself to be hard at it for hours on end—
and you instead truly focus for a short time—you’ll discover that you can be
even more productive.
Tip #4: Notice and Reduce Resistance
In the last chapter, you began to explore how incongruence and resistance affect
you. Resistance and coping with it can take a toll on your energy and really slow
you down. It’s like driving with the parking brake on. You use a lot of extra gas
and rubber getting around this way. You wouldn’t consciously choose to do this,
would you? However, all too often, we do this physically, emotionally, and
energetically.
Imagine for a moment that there’s a task you need to do—and every time you
think about it you just feel sapped. This used to happen to me a lot. I left high
school because I couldn’t stand doing homework. It’s an irony that I now make a
living writing—it’s actually something I’ve come to really relish. Here’s what’s
funny. Even though I enjoy the process of writing, I don’t enjoy contemplating
it. When I contemplate a task that requires me to sit down in front of a computer,
part of me says, “I don’t want to come in. I don’t want to stop playing. I don’t
want to come indoors yet”—just like a little kid. Perhaps something like this
happens internally for you, too.
Roadblock Removal: “Eye Movement Integration”
When an energy drop like this occurs, it’s your system saying that some part of
you isn’t completely on board with doing that task, making that call, meeting
with that person, exercising, or whatever it is. Your emotion about the task ahead
may feel like a roadblock that you can’t figure out how to get around. “Eye
Movement Integration” is a quick and easy nonverbal way to handle this kind of
challenge.
Here’s the way it works: Your brain is processing and storing huge amounts of
information quickly; it does this by divvying it up and storing different types of
information in different places. In fact, it “files” things into six different
sections. For now, it’s just important to know that as you move your eyes into
these different sections, you’re actually accessing the parts of the brain where
various memories and details are stored. The fundamental version of the process
you’re about to learn is derived from Steve and Connirae Andreas’s “Eye
Movement Integration” model.
Discovery Activity:
Decreasing Resistance or Trauma
To get started, you’ll need a pen or pencil that has a tip that is a different color
from the shaft—or the end with the eraser can also work well. Once you have
this pen or pencil, keep it handy because you’ll need it in a minute.
Now think of something that you need to do, but when you imagine doing
whatever it is, you feel your energy drop. Using a 1–10 scale, with 10 being
really resistant, how strong is your resistance to doing this task? Just make a
mental note of that.
Now pick up that pencil and hold it out in front of your face about twelve to
fourteen inches away from your eyes. You can easily see the tip, right? And
recall that task you need to do—but also don’t want to do. It could be making a
presentation . . . paying bills . . . confronting a friend . . . exercising . . . whatever
it is that you’re not particularly keen about doing. Imagine that you can simply
put that feeling of resistance right on the tip of the pencil that’s out in front of
you.
Now look at that point and keep your head very still. In a moment, using the
pencil, you’re going to slowly draw a sideways figure 8 in the air so it looks
something like this.
As you’re doing this, you’re going to keep your head very still and allow just
your eyes to follow the tip of the pencil.
Start now and move your hand—slowly drawing that sideways figure 8. So as
you’re making the first right hand loop, you’re moving the tip around and down.
And as you are approaching the middle part where the center lines would
intersect, make this movement an upward sweep. As the tip with that feeling on
it comes in front of the tip of your nose, just go up and then continue the lefthand loop—going around to the outside and down—and then back up through
the middle as you make the next right-hand loop.
As you make the next loops, gradually raise the figure 8 higher and bring it
down lower, so the loops you’re making are at the edge of what your eyes can
see comfortably, and bring it back to the center. Make at least five complete
figure 8 loops.
Once you’ve completed at least five figure 8s, stop and notice how you’re
feeling now. Using a 1–10 rating, how does the feeling of resistance you have
now compare to the one you had at the beginning? How much has it improved?
Make a mental note of that.
If the feeling is not as bothersome, but you’d like it to be even less so, put that
feeling on the tip of the pencil and make five additional figure 8s. Again keeping
your head still, allowing your eyes to simply follow the movement of the tip as
you go around each outer loop and down . . . and then up through the middle.
Once you’ve completed these additional figure 8s, check and see how the
bothersome feeling has been reduced.
You should notice an immediate change. This is not something that takes days,
weeks, or months to shift. Because brains move fast and generally prefer
comfort, they’re quick to adopt things that are more comfortable and more
efficient—and the changes are literally instantaneous!
Now, do the same process, this time using a circle instead of a figure 8. This is a
kind of a double-check or cleanup version. Do it three or four times, paying
particular attention to whether there are any points in the circle where your
movement seems to hesitate or stutter. If you notice any kind of hesitation like
this, do the pattern a few more times until the movement is smooth and
symmetrical through the whole pattern.
This process can be used to reduce minor resistance or to take the sharp edges
off a physical or emotional trauma. Although you can easily and beneficially do
this process with yourself, you may want to do this to help someone else. If you
were talking with a friend who was feeling irritated or dreading an upcoming
task, you could just say, “Let’s try something and see if it works.” Simply follow
these same steps and see what kind of positive shift they make.
Just remember, the key is to move slowly. And make sure that when you cross
the center you’re always moving in an upstroke, not a downstroke. Don’t move
any faster than the other person’s eyes can go. As you do this and watch their
eyes, you’ll probably notice that they’re following your pen smoothly, but at
some point in the figure 8 pattern, their eyes may skip. They may just sort of
jump to the next point. That’s where the person’s “glitch” is—where they’ve
stored the troubling information. Your goal is to do this and help them smooth
out that rough point—so they can follow the lines of your figure 8 smoothly,
without interruption.
Here’s the theory. By moving a person’s eyes through all six sections of where
the brain stores information, the information that’s troubling them (which has
been stored in one spot and perhaps is stored in a distorted way) gets
mainstreamed by holding that event in mind. And as their eyes move through all
the areas of the brain where data can be stored, it seems to smooth out the glitch
and reduce the emotional charge of whatever was troubling them. This technique
is used quite successfully with people who’ve been victims of crime or abuse
and with veterans suffering post-traumatic stress disorder.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/3-4.
Getting in the habit of noticing and adjusting your physiology and internal
resistance allows you to maximize your physical and emotional energy.
Not Just Pollyanna:
How Energy, Enthusiasm, and Optimism Act as Drivers
Energy, enthusiasm, and optimism are important drivers; they influence how we
feel—and are responsible for how we actually get moving.
As you have become more proficient at going inside yourself, you’ve been
noticing various feelings . . . then going back behind those feelings to find what
triggered them . . . and asking yourself, “What triggered that—was it an image—
was it a word or tone . . . ?” You’ve learned to slow down your personal mental
movies and explore what your process has been.
To help you apply your new understandings to enhance your optimism and
enthusiasm, I invite you to set up an inner barometer that will regularly assess,
“What’s my level of optimism today? How am I feeling about this? Am I
enthusiastic? Am I looking forward to things? Am I happy? Am I grateful?” Get
creative and give yourself some kind of scale so you easily notice these positive
drivers. You can also choose, if you wish, to play with your sub-modalities, as
described in the last chapter, to feel even more enthusiastic.
Motivation in Action
Motivation is a close relative of enthusiasm. Let’s say that you have something
to do—like organizing your financial records to do your taxes—and you don’t
know how to make yourself do it. People typically motivate themselves one of
two ways. They do it either by creating anxiety or imagining a positive
experience. These are pretty different strategies, aren’t they?
So, if you’re someone who uses anxiety to get into gear, you might imagine not
getting everything done by the deadline, not being able to find a specific receipt,
having your accountant tell you you’ve missed the extension date, or getting an
audit letter from the IRS. All of these negative imaginings produce anxiety—and
adrenaline. However, some people get so anxious that they kind of just freeze up
and they can’t get anything done.
Fortunately, there is a simple alternative to stirring ourselves into a negative (or
even frozen) state, and that is to hold a positive expectation. How do you
motivate yourself most of the time? Here’s a way you can find out.
Discovery Activity:
Understanding Your Motivation
Think for a moment. Consider how you got yourself up this morning. What did
you actually do to get up? What did you say to yourself upon first awakening
that kept you from rolling over and going back to sleep? What did you say to
yourself—or imagine—to get out of bed and begin your day? Just take a look at
that and see what comes up for you. What motivators were at work with you?
Make a note of these.
Getting out of bed may seem like a mundane example of motivation. Yet it’s an
important one because each of us has to do it every day. Understanding how you
do that can provide you with insight into how you motivate yourself in other
situations.
For most of my life, I wasn’t much of a morning person. And yet I was almost
always expected to be somewhere in the morning. So I’d hear the alarm, open
one eye, and see what time it was. Then I’d usually say to myself, “Ugh, I better
get up. I don’t want to get stuck in traffic and end up being late.” As you can see,
I used negative pictures to keep from hitting the snooze alarm.
In contrast, a thirty-four-year-old client of mine, who’s an artist, described her
experience of waking up like this: “When I open my eyes in the morning, I first
look for the dog. When she looks at me and we connect visually, it gives me
energy to reach out and pet her. Then, after a couple of minutes, I get up and go
to the bathroom. Then I’m up and awake . . . everything is fine . . . and I’m ready
to begin my day. When I see my dog, that connection—the love and affection
she has for me—gives me energy to do anything when I wake up in the
morning.” My client, Ellie, gets started by a positive see-feel strategy.
Even though I’m still not a morning person, I’ve changed my getting-up strategy
since I learned NLP. When I fall asleep, I’m telling myself about something I’m
looking forward to doing the next day. It might be making breakfast with my
wife, working with a specific client, going for a leisurely walk—whatever it is,
there’s always something to look forward to.
If you find that you are currently using a stressful strategy for getting out of bed,
I recommend that you not abandon it until you have something that works
equally well. It’s usually safest to start playing with a pleasure-based strategy for
waking up on weekends or doing nonessential projects. Then you can see how
you can also create a more positive set of feelings to get you up and out of bed
on workdays or ready to tackle more critical projects. To get the best results
from your experiments, use what you’ve learned about sub-modalities to
enhance your feelings.
Generally, when people look ahead to something pleasant, the folks that do it
effectively do it in an associated fashion. They actually can feel themselves
doing that thing. So when I get up in the morning and I can feel what it’s like to
be sitting at the kitchen table watching my wife make her tea, I feel happy and
pleasantly energized. When I imagine taking a walk, seeing the trees along the
path, running into neighbors who are walking their dogs, I’m sure to do this in
an associated fashion so I can feel the movement of my feet, the sun on my face,
the dog’s fur against my palm, and I am beginning to feel energized.
Unfortunately, sometimes people get it sort of backward. For example, if they
have something unpleasant planned, like going to the doctor or the tax guy, they
do that associated, and anything pleasant they do disassociated. Sounds painful,
doesn’t it? And it’s probably unnecessarily so.
Here’s what I recommend. Instead of imagining, in an associated fashion, the
penalty of something possibly going badly, imagine (again in an associated
fashion) the payoff of a potentially positive result. For example, you can do this
two ways. You can focus on having gotten something done. And even if it’s
something that might be yucky or tedious for you, you can still imagine how
good it will feel. Or imagine how good you’ll feel about yourself when you’ve
made some progress, or completed your task, right?
You can also notice the little sort of substeps involved in getting something
completely done, and what pleasure you can find in each of these. Oddly
enough, as in the case of preparing your tax information, there can be
satisfaction in finding and organizing the receipts and bank statements . . . in
coming up with an accurate total for a set of expenses . . . in filling out a whole
section of the tax worksheet. You get the picture—in every task, there are lots of
potential little victories on the way to the finish line.
And as you’re performing a difficult task, imagine how good it’s going to be to
get it done. Be sure to cheer yourself on while you’re doing it. “Look, I’m under
way. This isn’t as bad as I thought. This is actually getting pretty easy. Dang,
I’m good at this.” Positive inner dialogue will help increase your energy,
optimism, and enthusiasm and keep you rolling forward because you’ll have
more brain cells available. So give this a try on any project.
A Case in Point: How to Generate Energy
So far, we’ve explored how to improve the conditions to accessing energy. Now
let’s talk about how you can generate energy. I’ve had tremendous personal
success with this. All my life, I was a slow riser (even though I’ve been in many
occupations where I was either up for twenty-four to thirty-six hours or had to
get up at all hours of the night). I just always liked to ease into my day—and
sometimes that wasn’t possible.
When I learned NLP, I thought, “Since I can picture these images and I can do
what I want with these images, I wonder if I can energize myself on my way to
work in the morning.”
Here’s what I did. I created a process that kicks in as soon as I leave the house.
As I step out onto the front porch, I hear the sound of violins beginning the
“Ride of the Valkyries” (which is a powerful and uptempo piece that opens the
third act of Wagner’s third Ring opera and has been used in many movie sound
tracks, including Apocalypse Now).
Then, as I get out to the garage, into my car, and start driving down this small
suburban street, imaginary loudspeakers pop out on either side of the car—
they’re about eight feet tall and capable of the volume you’d experience at a rock
concert.
And then the song begins to crescendo—and all the way down the street, the
symphony horns are blaring. I can actually feel the car vibrate as the sound
waves hit it. It’s an amazing experience. I usually let that stay with me for the
first two miles of my trip, until I get out of the car to go into a coffee shop,
where I get my second cup and am ready for the rest of the ride to work.
The amazing thing is, on the mornings that I do this, as I walk into the coffee
shop, heads turn. It’s like I’m radiating energy. Understanding how I’m
motivated enabled me to create this internal process that has had a profound
effect on my energy, enthusiasm, and optimism. This is another use of anchors
that you can easily set up for yourself. Just choose a favorite piece of music and
anchor it to a place you touch every morning. Practice it consciously for a week
or so, and you’ll find yourself doing it automatically from then on. Nice, isn’t it?
Optimism and Confidence in Concert
Helen Keller said, “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can
be done without hope and confidence.” So let’s focus on confidence for a
moment.
From my experience coaching other people, I’ve learned that feeling more
confident seems to be a universal desire. Before we experiment with ways to do
that, I want to be clear about this: confidence is not based on truth. Confidence is
based on choice—and I’m happy to be a beneficiary of this discovery.
One of the things that used to run in my mind was “Well, it’s not reasonable to
be confident. You’re a screw-up. You dropped the ball. You did this and that.”
Of course, the part of my mind that was devoted to keeping me hesitant would
just select and bring up the experiences where I’d been less than stellar . . . I’d
really screwed up somehow . . . dropped the ball . . . not lived up to myself . . .
not lived up to my rules . . . or not lived up to somebody else’s rules. It seemed
unreasonable to feel confidence in the face of these examples.
When you want to feel confident, it’s better to be unreasonable. This is about
choice, not judgment. After all, you can’t judge yourself fairly anyway—you’ll
either be too favorable or too unfavorable. In this case, it’s better to err on the
side of too favorable.
A long time ago, I was just coming off a crushing failure and about to build a
success. One day, the lady I was dating came to me and she was very troubled;
she said, “You know, I just had lunch with your ex-wife. She said you say that
these failures are always just glitches, that you always just explain these away.”
My girlfriend was concerned that this was a problem.
In response, I said, “No, it’s absolutely right. All entrepreneurs need to be
neurotic enough to ignore their failures. They can take the information from it,
but it’s only feedback. You take the information so you’ll do better next time,
but you can’t internalize it.”
So what I did instead was to consciously and conscientiously rehearse my
triumphs. I recommend that you keep score so you can remember your victories
and the many ways you’ve improved. Literally write them down—little victories
and big ones.
I have a list of about thirty of the things that I’ve done that make me feel good
about myself. They’re not earthshaking by any means. For example, I bought my
kid brother a bicycle with money that I earned on my paper route. In fact, I
bought both of us bikes—and that made me feel pretty good. Another time when
I was little, I remembered another guy’s Bible verses at church. I did mine and
then I did his, too, because he had stage fright and couldn’t remember them at
all. Your list can be anything that makes you feel good about yourself, but write
down those examples. A friend of mine calls these her “greatest hits.”
During periods when I’m going through a down time in life, I am very deliberate
about reading that victory list every morning. This helps to remind me that I’ve
done a number of things right in my life. Again, it doesn’t have to include only
big achievements—like winning a Nobel Prize—just things you’ve done that
make you feel good about yourself. You can note times when you were generous
or tolerant or brave or courageous—whatever reflects your value system and
gives you reason to be proud of yourself.
I think of tuning up my confidence as a kind of mental hygiene. Sometimes
when I get a sore place on my gums, I’m a little more attentive with the
Waterpik than I am at other times. It’s the same way here. When you’re feeling a
little down or you need to build up your confidence, it’s useful to revisit that list.
So, what does a “greatest hits” list have to do with NLP? Here’s what: If you
just read that list like you’re sleepwalking or like you’re glancing through a
magazine article, it’s not going to have much of an impact. The way to read that
list is to go through each of those experiences in an associated fashion—quickly
step into each experience and remember it. Be “in” the movie and revisit once
again how wonderful you felt. Recalling your “greatest hits” this way will
actually change your neurology and your blood chemistry.
Discovery Activity:
Amping Up Your Confidence
Let’s experiment with a technique to deliberately increase your confidence. This
activity will change your mind and what your reference images are. First,
though, there are some serious things to consider whenever you come to the
issue of confidence. A lot of people have said, “Can you give me more
confidence? I just want more confidence all the time.”
This is like wishing for eternal sunshine and permanent happiness. It’s a silly
idea, and if you had it, you’d probably soon regret it. Permanent anything
eliminates choice, and without choice we’re simply robots, right? If, for
example, you automated confidence so you had it all the time, you could get
yourself in some hot water pretty easily. Imagine being so confident that you
carelessly walk down a dark alley in the wrong part of town. Think that would
be such a great experience? Sure might poke a hole in your permanent
happiness.
There is a mythical (I hope) story about a man at one of those “be all you can
be” seminars who got himself so jacked up with confidence he tried to swim
Hawaii’s Molokai Channel—and was never heard from again. Naturally, you
can enjoy a solid sense of confidence in situations where you know you have
what it takes to perform. That’s an appropriate place to use this process to rev up
your confidence so it’s really strong.
That said, there is a confidence you can have in all situations. Regardless of the
context, and whether you have even been there before, there’s one ability that
you have everywhere. That’s your ability to learn. You can learn from any and
every situation, from every event that touches your life. At an absolute
minimum, your learning might be “I sure don’t want to do that again,” right?
And that is learning.
It may be that you just needed that one last repetition. The bottom line is that it’s
realistic to have a strong sense of confidence in your ability to learn in any
situation you face. This gives you a positive attitude that will build and sustain
your energy. You’ll be able to profit from any feedback you get, discoveries you
make, and use that information to do even better in the next opportunity.
So think of a situation where you have full confidence in your abilities, any
situation where you’re pretty sure that you know exactly how to manage
whatever it is that comes up. It could be anything— making breakfast, changing
a tire, teaching a group of people—just something you know you can do. Now,
here we go again with sub-modalities. Notice what comes up for you when you
think of that situation. Do you see a picture? You do? Do you hear anything?
What?
I suggest that you step into that situation in your mind so you’re associated. This
is important for two reasons. First, you’ll get more information. Now you can
probably hear what’s going on and you can even hear your self-talk. Notice that.
When you’re actually in that situation, how do you feel physically? Take a
moment and write down these details so you can use them as a model to make
positive changes. Notice where that feeling resides in your body? What’s it feel
like? Is it warm? Is it tingly? Does it move around? Does it make your muscles
swell up? Do you breathe more deeply?
What you want to develop here is a list of the specific sensations you have when
you’re in an associated experience of being confident.
Once you’ve specified that, it’s important to change your focus of attention, so
just for a moment think of your zip code backward, the five digits in reverse
order.
Now think of a situation that you need to tackle, but where you’re a bit doubtful
about yourself. You’re doubtful that you’ll handle it as well as you’d like to.
If you’ve got one, go into that situation and notice the differences. Notice any
images (size, color, distance, etc.) and sounds (volume, tone, location, etc.) and
feelings (warm, tingly, moving, etc.). How are these images, sounds, and
feelings different from the confident experience that you reviewed a moment
ago? Notice where in your body the nonconfident feelings are.
Now start changing those feelings. Start replacing them with the qualities of the
confident specification. Change the qualities of the image that you’re in to match
the qualities of the image when you were confident. Change what you were
hearing in your mind’s ear, what self-talk there was, to the same kind of self-talk
as when you were confident, and change the body feelings, too.
When I’m feeling confident, I notice I have more mental energy and am actually
thinking more clearly than when I’m overly self-conscious or caught up with
self-doubt. This is a process that you can easily practice. I recommend doing it
every day for at least a week or two if you really want to build your ability to
achieve a more confident state of mind.
Mission Critical:
Motivation Tips from Navy SEALs Training
Another way to build confidence is to develop an inner knowing that you can do
almost anything. Navy SEALs, as you’ve probably heard, have the most difficult
military training on earth—and many people come to the United States to learn
about it. This training was originally modeled on the methods the British Special
Air Services used with their commandos. But the demands on Navy SEALs are
even greater because they do so much work in the water—where being
constantly cold and wet is a huge disincentive to forging ahead.
Let me give you a little background first—and then we’ll explore how you can
benefit from SEAL training. The first training that SEALs are put through is
really just a six-week sorting-out process that concludes with something called
hell week, where they get four hours of sleep over a sixty-hour period of time,
and they spend a lot of time being cold and wet.
In this phase of training, here’s what the Navy discovered. They selected
candidates who had high IQs—and were, of course, great physical specimens.
These people were able to perform all of the activities the job required them to
perform. But what the Navy noticed was that, in this six-week period of time, 76
percent of these carefully selected candidates were dropping out of the program.
This dropout rate represents a huge loss not only in terms of recruiting and
training investments, but also in terms of this division’s readiness and capability
to deliver when called upon. Because both of these issues became a real concern
to them, a few years ago they hired Eric Potterat, a psychologist, who became
the command master psychologist for the U.S. Navy SEALs. He was instructed
to review the mental toughness training and find out what the Navy could do to
increase the abilities of these candidates to force themselves to do things that the
Navy estimated they could physically do, but instead resulted in the candidates
quitting.
Potterat came up with what he called the Big 4 and he trained SEAL candidates
intensively in these four habits. As a result, the graduation of candidates
increased by 50 percent! This improvement was particularly impressive because
the Navy was starting with a group of exceptional candidates, and then studying
these people to find out what made the difference between quitting and
persevering. In NLP, we call that “the difference that makes the difference.”
In a nutshell, here are the four critical habits that may mean the difference
between life and death—and a successful or failed mission. Although these are
presented in a sequential way, they can be used simultaneously.
Habit 1: Focus on Right Now
The first habit involves a special kind of goal-setting thinking. There are all sorts
of ways to set goals. You may have learned them in school or on the job, but this
is different. This is short-term goal setting.
The major way to combat stress when you’re doing something very difficult is to
narrow your focus. Narrow it down to the immediate future. Navy SEALs focus
on just getting to the end of the twenty-mile run. They don’t think about
anything after that. They do not think about the next meal. They do not think
about the inspection coming after that. They would not think about any further
tests.
This first habit reminds me of the advice I got when I was bicycle touring:
“Don’t look at the top of the hill” when you’re slogging up a hill. Just turn the
pedal over, crank it over again (and again and again), so each rotation moves you
further along.
So one of the things the Navy SEALs were trained to do was to just do the job
directly in front of them and focus on that. That’s Habit 1.
Habit 2: Imagine How Good It Will Feel
This one’s related to rehearsing past successes. And, as you know, when you go
through a victory list in an associated way, by the time you’re done with twenty
or thirty of those successes, you’ll be very familiar with the body feeling that
tells you, “I’m pleased with myself. I’m on top of this. I’m doing this. It’s
working.”
So then, you would take that feeling of success and imagine what it will be like
when you successfully do the thing you’re doing right now. The trick to that is to
transfer those wonderful feelings. What you’re actually doing in this step is
utilizing your most positive sub-modalities. In this step, transfer these positive
feelings to any task you’re doing and tell yourself how good its feels to be
making progress—how good it feels to be almost done—how good it feels to be
completing this task.
Break down the task into smaller pieces so that every little step feels good and
moves you forward—just as every revolution of the pedal on my bicycle felt
good. Every time you finish a little set of tasks in a project, you check it off—
and that feels good. So make a habit of noticing that.
You can do this over and over again. And as you do, you’re providing your brain
with extra experiences of success, which will further deepen the feelings and
make them easier for you to access when you need them.
Habit 3: When All Else Fails, Breathe Deeply
There often comes a time in the process of being discouraged, demotivated, or
physically drained when there’s sort of an inner collapse and a panic reaction.
“Oh, I can’t do it! I can’t do it. I can’t hold on! I can’t hold on! It’s slipping . . .
it’s slipping . . . it’s gone! Oh, no!”
That’s when two little parts of your brain about the size of a pair of thumbnails
take over your life. As you may recall, this part of the brain is called the
amygdala. It determines when you’re safe and when you’re not. So when you
feel yourself failing, the amygdala decides that everything has gone to hell in a
handbasket; then you’re likely to have a panic reaction of some kind.
The way to beat this primal reaction is by flooding your body with oxygen. You
actually change your blood chemistry—and when you do, it calms down the
amygdala. So here’s a special kind of breathing the Navy SEALs were taught to
do—and you can try it right now.
Inhale deeply for a count of six. Hold it for a count of two. Then exhale for a
count of six—completely emptying your lungs. Do this three times, just three
times anytime during the day. Do these three deep breaths, in for a count of six,
hold for a count of two, exhale for a count of six.
When you do this kind of breathing, you’ll find that several things happen. You
lower your blood pressure. You flood your brain with oxygen and it increases
your ability to think and react thoughtfully—instead of out of panic or emotion.
Being able to breathe easily and think makes using the other habits possible!
Habit 4: Cheer Yourself On
This habit is related to something we talked about in the last chapter—hearing
voices in our heads that are discouraging or critical. What the Navy SEALs are
taught to do is to create their own cheering section—to be their personal
encouraging chorus.
They mentally have their own voice say, “You can do it! This is easy. Forget
that mistake. Focus on the next shot and on getting it better.” They constantly
cheer themselves on while they’re in the process of doing it—instead of saying,
“This is terrible. This is exhausting. I wonder if my ankle is going to hold up.
I’ve got a blister. My pack is loose and shifting around.”
Instead of listing their troubles, they list everything that feels good. As I said,
this isn’t about being reasonable; this is about being successful. This
methodology is working for people who are in the most challenging situations
that humans can invent. So that’s Habit 4.
Try these steps the next time you feel anxious about an upcoming event or are
feeling sort of freaked out in the moment. Six-two-six-count breathing will help
you regain some equilibrium and enable you to put your focus on the task at
hand, tap into past successes, and cheer yourself on.
Messing with Hecklers:
How to Silence Critical Inner Voices
In Chapter 2, we talked about the voices in our heads—our own and those of
others, who are or were important to us. A moment ago, I mentioned the benefit
of having a cheering section—in your own voice—that you can have at your
immediate access to encourage yourself whenever you need it.
But sometimes we have negative voices, too. What about the hecklers in your
mind? “Oh, this is all a bunch of hokum. This doesn’t really work. This is just a
bunch of feel-good crap. I can’t do this. It’s not going to change reality. The
reality is I’m failing. You can’t do this. You’re not good enough,” or whatever
the negative voices are.
I had one that stayed with me for years. It was a little voice that said, “Screwed
up again, Hoobyar.” I didn’t realize until my mid-fifties that it was the voice of
Coach Marshall, the gym teacher who’d been in charge of the high school track
team. At one point, I was a really good runner, and then I started smoking—
which definitely impacted my performance.
When Coach Marshall saw my running times begin to slip, he would shout that
out at me when I was puffing around the track. “Screwed up again, Hoobyar.”
That voice went in because I totally admired the guy and was very ashamed of
my behavior. Coach Marshall’s voice went into my mind’s eye and ear and
stayed there—for years.
After a while, my mind just began applying poor old Coach Marshall’s voice to
everything. Every time I forgot a thank-you note, every time I was less than
gracious, every time I was late anywhere, any time I dropped the ball anywhere,
I heard that comment. I felt like I could actually hear him.
Well, those kinds of comments can become predictive. They could convince you
that you’re just so crummy, you’ll never do it. Because they lower your
expectations of yourself, they degrade your performance. That’s why it’s so
important to interrupt those critical voices. They are not going to help you.
Period.
These voices just sort of take the fun out of life and take the energy out of our
commitment, out of our actions, and out of our will to succeed.
When that happens, here’s what you can do: First, sort of set a trap for it. Notice
it. Be an attentive audience for your own inner talk, and listen for any negatives,
any self-sabotage. When you hear a negative voice, immediately obliterate it.
Immediately change it.
Once you notice it, you have choices. Let the critical voice say whatever it’s
saying, and as it’s talking, gradually change its tonality from whatever it is to
something really pleasant—or funny. Change it from that tone that
communicates, “You’re not worth it. You don’t have what it takes.” Change the
tone to something sexy or a voice that sounds like a cartoon character—making
it faster and higher until it sounds more like one of the famous Chipmunks.
In either event, the critical voice will stop. Notice how changing the tone
changes your feelings about what you’re doing—and about yourself. That’s the
quick fix. The longer-term way is the “Auditory Swish,” which you practiced in
the last chapter.
More Than Maintenance:
How to Increase Energy and Productivity
So far in this chapter, you’ve learned about the importance of expectations and
mental rehearsal, the link between physiology and energy, ways to fine-tune
your focus in the moment, how to reduce the impact of resistance and negative
inner voices, as well as the importance of enthusiasm and confidence. As you
integrate these concepts and techniques into the way you think and operate each
day, you’ll be able to more easily maintain your positive energy. But how do you
increase it?
Franz Kafka said, “Productivity is being able to do things that you were never
able to do before.” So, here are a few additional tips to help you maximize your
focus and productivity.
Tip #1: Rehearse Positive Mental States
Energy, motivation, enthusiasm, and optimism all feed on each other. After all,
it’s easier to feel optimistic when you’re confident that the outcome is going to
be positive. Each of us can elicit enthusiasm and optimism by practicing certain
mental states. To start changing your blood chemistry, regularly rehearse the
energy-generating physical interventions we explored at the beginning of this
chapter. This neurological energy will improve the mental processes that
generate your motivation.
As I mentioned, I used to motivate myself by just putting my head down and
slogging through it. I figured, “If I bang my head against this wall, either the
wall’s going to cave in or I’ll die, and if I die I don’t have the problem anymore,
so either way . . .” At the time, it seemed to be a good way to solve the problem.
But, as I look back on it now, I’m painfully aware that I was operating from a
limited set of choices.
Now it seems easier to motivate myself by saying, “As I begin on this, the wall
begins to dissolve, because as soon as I start, I’m immediately learning more
about my energy, my abilities, the task—I’m immediately making it easier
because I’m taking the first step.”
Basically, when my motivation kicks in, my optimism says, “I’m going to get
started and it’s going to be easier than I thought, and I’m going to do better than
I thought. And guess what? Next time, I’ll do better than this and the fiftieth
time out, I’ll do even better than I’ll do this next time.” So I have a positive
expectation.
Because of the way I experience time, I have an expectation that in the present
moment, I’m in the middle of my personal timeline. So I’m going to do the best I
can today and that combined with the experience of taking action—noticing
what I might have done better or how it could have been more enjoyable—will
make me even better at it the next time.
After you review how a recent or long-ago experience happened, just look at the
sub-modalities of that situation. Once you re-create and fine-tune those submodalities, it will put you in a more constructive frame of mind. All the pieces
go together.
Tip #2: Update and Relive Greatest Hits
As you enhance your NLP skills and self-awareness, you’ll experience many
more successes. Be sure to add these to your list of greatest hits. To enhance
your in-the-moment work, athletic, or interpersonal performance, before you get
started, access earlier times of success, earlier feelings of success, and, as you
feel them, anchor that to your performance spot on that joint of your finger
(which you first worked with in Chapter 1). So now you’ve got energy, you’ve
got self-satisfaction, you’ve got pride, and you continually anchor that.
Tip #3: Strengthen Your Positive Anchor
The kinesthetic anchor you created in Chapter 1 is sometimes referred to as a
sliding anchor. Simply sliding your thumb up along that spot on your middle
finger—just like turning up the volume on your TV—will increase the positive
feelings. Let’s try that now and see how much more energized you’ll feel.
Discovery Activity:
Strengthening Your Anchor
Right now, go back to a time when you felt full of energy. Perhaps it was when
you just landed an appointment with an important prospect you’d been pursuing.
Maybe it was when you just came off a workout and you had that jazzed, tired,
pumped feeling. Or maybe you just came back from a concert and you felt all
revved up from music. Whatever it is that really gets you going and feeling
“up”—set up into that experience and feeling—breathe into it—maybe even turn
it up a little so you have more of that feeling. And when you have that, then
touch that spot and anchor this energy to the same place where you’ve anchored
your self-approval and confidence.
Here’s an interesting thing: When you touch that spot, you can slide your thumb
tip a little bit, and every time you slide it, the energy doubles. That feeling can
actually double. You can imagine the way to do that is to touch that spot with
that feeling, and then say, “Wow, what it would be like if the feeling were even
twice as strong as I slide my thumb along my finger?” and it becomes twice as
strong. Wow!
Then go back and say, “What would it be like if it were stronger yet?” and you
bring it up to a really pleasurable level. Don’t take it past your threshold, and I
doubt that you will. Just bring it up to your pleasurable level.
When I’m writing or when I’m talking, I often find myself absently tapping that
spot on the second knuckle of my middle finger. Because I use this anchor so
often, it’s like my system knows what I need—and I don’t have to consciously
remember. After a lot of practice, this will most likely happen automatically for
you, too.
Tip #4: Celebrate Small “Wins”
Sometimes as I work with clients, I find that they get overwhelmed with a lot of
these different ideas. It may feel like it’s difficult (or even impossible) to learn
these NLP concepts and skills—or any new things. But here’s what’s true:
learning easily is something the human brain is designed to do.
Despite this fact, we sometimes say to ourselves, “Oh, I could never learn
languages” . . . “I’m no good at numbers” . . . “I can’t dance.” I went for years
thinking that I was some sort of dummy because I had left school when I failed
at algebra. I just couldn’t hack algebra. Well, I couldn’t hack algebra because I
was in a hormone toxicity state and other things were going on in my life, but I
blamed it all on algebra.
Then, in my thirties, I went back to junior college and took all the algebra
classes—as well as Boolean algebra and trigonometry—just to kill that old
belief. Why did I think I could do that? Because I did believe that I could learn.
Unless you have some kind of actual disability, you can learn anything you
want.
Remember, everything that you do well today was impossible, or at least poorly
done, the first time you tried it. Whenever I watch my one-year-old grandson
while he’s eating, I notice how he alternates between getting the spoon into his
mouth . . . onto his cheek . . . into his nose . . . or flipping stuff on the floor. I
notice how he’s learning.
It reminds me that every time we try something new, we’re all a little like my
grandson. In the course of our lives, we’ve mastered many new things—so we
should be comfortable with that process, right? Absolutely! And yet, our
expectations are often out of sync with this “knowing.”
So I invite you to relax and ease up on yourself in terms of your expectations
about how fast you can do something or how good you can be at something. And
while you’re doing that, raise your expectations of how easy and fun it’s going
to be to get there—because the process can be known. By making this mind-set
adjustment and using sub-modality distinctions, you’ll find your actual abilities
changing even more quickly. And celebrating small “wins” will contribute to the
momentum you’re creating.
There’s no limit to how you use your imagination. Because each of us is so
uniquely individual, it’s up to each of us to discover on our own what works
best. Finding ways to optimize experience helps us make life sweeter. So play
with the different ideas you’ve explored in this chapter to understand what draws
you forward and makes you feel even more energized, confident, and
enthusiastic.
Next, we’re going to move beyond just “self-esteem” and learn how you can
remodel your whole self-concept.
Key Ideas
• The expectations we have shape our experience. People can limit or
expand what’s possible for them by changing their expectations.
• Mental rehearsal, like visualization, can enable someone to increase
their actual performance.
• Our energy levels are linked to our physiology. Someone can improve
how their brain, body, and mind work together by changing their body
position, breathing deeply, drinking enough water to be well hydrated,
and breaking large tasks into smaller ones of where they focus for
twenty minutes and then take a break. (For more details on the
Pomodoro Technique, visit http://www.pomodorotechnique.com.)
• “Eye Movement Integration” can help reduce resistance to doing
specific tasks that seem almost too energy-draining to even
contemplate.
• Someone’s get-out-of-bed strategy is a sample of a motivation strategy
that works for them. Once someone identifies a motivation strategy
that works well, they can apply those insights and sub-modalities to
motivating themselves in other situations.
• Energy, enthusiasm, and confidence work together to shape motivation
and build momentum.
• Navy SEALs training uses four key practices to strengthen confidence,
productivity, and tenacity.
• Critical voices can be internalized and active for years. These bullies
can be silenced with a quick fix like making the voice sound like a
cartoon character or doing the “Auditory Swish” process, which is
outlined in Chapter 2.
• Someone can increase areas of current competence by rehearsing
positive mental states, reliving their greatest hits, tinkering with sub-
modalities, strengthening existing positive anchors, and celebrating
small “wins.”
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/3-
10 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER FOUR: UPGRADING YOUR SELF-CONCEPT
How’d things get this way?
It’s never too late to be the person you might have been.
—George Eliot
Whether you’re twenty-five, forty-five, or sixty-five, it’s not too late to make
the changes in yourself that you’d like to make. To understand how this is
possible, in this chapter we’re going to be looking at ourselves—how we’re
built, who we think we are, and how we got to be this way. And we’re going to
explore options for changing that. Ready?
Life Vest First: How to Prevent and Reduce Stress
Before we talk about self-change, which is really kind of profound work, you
have to get in condition. To prepare for dealing with your unconscious to make
this sort of change, it’s important to know how to manage your stress reactions
and practice stress reduction.
In Chapter 2, you learned how to explore and fine-tune what you want, as well
as how to recognize and resolve internal conflicts so that you’re congruent about
whatever you’re doing. These new skills will help you significantly prevent and
reduce the friction and stress in your life. And yet, no matter how much you do
to improve your choices in life, some things are beyond your choosing. There
will still be red lights, rudeness, and bad weather. Some amount of stress is a
perfectly natural response.
The problem with stress is that it generates some pretty nasty chemicals in your
brain—and those chemicals can do some long-term damage. They also actually
degrade your performance—at work, at home, and in virtually all areas of life.
They preoccupy parts of your neurology that would be better utilized by thinking
creatively. To help you be in control of your response to stressors, it’s important
to have an emergency protocol and a daily practice. Let’s explore these one at a
time.
911: PANIC MANAGEMENT
There’s something called a panic reaction—the “fight-or-flight” (or freeze)
reaction we touched on at the very beginning of the book. As you may recall
from the last chapter, the amygdala determines whether or not you feel safe. It’s
a very primitive part of the brain that can trigger a cascade of reactions and
hormones in your blood stream. It shuts down critical and deliberate thought, so
all your energy can be dedicated to move into fight-or-flight. Once all that starts,
it’s pretty much a stampede.
Rather than get run over by this rush, you can employ the four practices you
learned about in Chapter 3, the ones that Navy SEALs use. Here’s a brief
refresher. (1) Be only in the exact moment; don’t think about the next thing; (2)
break a task/activity into small, achievable steps and celebrate your progress; (3)
at the point of discouragement, do six-two-six-count breathing to oxygenate your
brain; (4) create a cheering section (in your own voice) that’s encouraging and
supportive.
LETTING THE AIR OUT: PREVENTING STRESS
Stress also accumulates over time. It’s a little bit like blowing up a balloon. If
there’s too much air in it, it will explode. So it’s important to monitor your stress
level; then, regularly and proactively, let a little air out of the balloon. A
powerful way to raise your level of stress endurance is a daily practice of
meditation. There’s an abundance of research going back to the 1970s that
enumerates the physiological, neurological, emotional, and psychological
benefits of meditation.
Much of this research was done by Herbert Benson at Harvard University, who
wrote The Relaxation Response. What he found was that a daily practice of
meditation—even fifteen minutes just once a day—creates long-term benefits in
people’s health, sense of reality, and even manual dexterity. Blood pressure
lowers, the alpha relaxation rhythm in the brain deepens, and both halves of the
brain synchronize. There are numerous significant long-term health benefits.
Best of all, these begin within two weeks of regularly meditating.
In fact, when I began meditating, I noticed a change within a week. I felt more
relaxed and moved a little more easily in the world. By the second week, my
friends noticed and were commenting about the changes they saw.
Meditation is also a great way to just slow down your brain so you can observe
your thoughts—where they come from, how they form, what comes up for you
as you notice them. This is a very valuable way to make using NLP easier, too.
If you don’t already have a form of meditation that works for you, here’s an easy
sort of plain-vanilla process to play that only requires that you find twenty
minutes away from the world. Start by picking a quiet place that feels soothing
to you, where you can relax without interruption. Then set a timer for twenty
minutes so your conscious mind doesn’t get distracted wondering what time it is.
You can just let go and rest easy knowing that the bell will go off when the time
you’ve allotted is up.
Here’s how I do it. I just sit, take a few deep breaths, and relax my body—
beginning with my feet, up through my calves, my thighs, my hips, my lower
belly, my chest. I make sure my breathing is easy and regular. I feel my arms
relax on the arms of the chair or in my lap, and finally I relax the muscles in my
neck and my face. I’m just paying attention to my body and letting my
unconscious know that I intend to relax myself. This part of the process takes
about two minutes.
As I do that, I notice my breathing is getting deeper and more regular, and I
allow myself to just let my breathing go and I try not to think of anything
specific. My experience is that random thoughts tend to pop up. Often, I notice
that my brain wants to reengage with whatever I tore myself away from. Once
I’m relaxed, I find myself remembering things I forgot to do or I wanted to do.
The trick here, in terms of not getting hooked into this inner dialogue, is just to
allow those thoughts to go on their own.
If I notice that I’m kind of getting caught up in the inner chatter—“Did I turn the
gas off? Why didn’t I pick that up at the store yesterday? Now it’s three more
miles . . .”—I start repeating the word one to myself very softly. The word one
suggests unity. It’s actually the word they used in the relaxation response
research at Harvard. This single-syllable sound works well for me—it’s easy to
make and doesn’t have a lot of meaning. It actually sounds quite a lot like om,
which is the Sanskrit word a lot of meditators use.
The only things you need to pay attention to are that your body remains relaxed,
your breathing remains steady and deep, and the sound in your head that you’re
doing deliberately is just the sound of the word one—“one, one, one, one,” just
like that.
Take a moment and try it right now. Breathe deeply and let any tension in your
body melt away. Say “one, one, one” in your mind and just let your conscious
thoughts drift away. If you’re not already doing it, give it a try now just for a few
minutes.
I predict that if you try it for even five minutes today, tomorrow, and the next
day, you will have a different week next week. You might even choose to
continue meditating—and make it a daily practice.
I find that when I take time to relax this way, I feel refreshed when I return to
my other activities—and I’m more resourceful. A lot of the daily events that had
normally bothered or kind of paralyzed me—didn’t. I feel like “This is small
potatoes,” or “You know, I can see several different ways this could be
handled.”
In the beginning, for me, meditation had all the earmarks of being a discipline—
rather than relaxation. I sometimes found myself thinking, “This is a reward?
This is like a time-out. This is like a punishment.” But I persevered and over
time, it’s amazing how meditation has become something I look forward to.
Because some people really struggle with sitting still, they enjoy the benefits
meditation offers by doing something like qigong, yoga, running, or dancing
instead.
When you meditate or follow a discipline that allows you to relax, it relieves
stress, and your immune system likes you better. Studies show that cancer rates
drop, heart disease drops, the quality of life improves—and it doesn’t cost
anything! Utilizing a preventative daily practice and an emergency protocol to
manage stress enables you to create an inner environment that makes it possible
to become a happier, better you.
A Look in the Mirror:
Who You Are Today and How You Got to Be This Way
Before exploring additional changes you may want to make, it helps to consider
who you are right now and how you got to be this way.
If I asked you who you are, you could come up with lots of different ways to
respond. You could tell me what you do for a living, what roles you play in your
life—like mate, parent, friend, sibling—what your goals are—almost anything
that has to do with who you are right now. Today’s you is a product of all your
experiences—of the gifts you were born with, the things you learned at home, at
school, at work, in relationships, in your community, and in your travels, right?
It’s like each of us is an onion that has lots of layers. Our outside layer is what
other people most often see—what we look like, where we live, and how we
behave. As the layers are peeled away, we learn more about our core selves.
Beneath the papery onion skin, we’d find our capabilities, beliefs, values, and
perhaps even spirituality.
You might look like one of your siblings or one of your parents and you may be
similar in many ways. And yet you are uniquely you. How you process
information, what you believe, and what you value drive your decisions and
actions. In earlier chapters, you discovered how sub-modalities and your
motivation strategies affect your experience. And you learned how you can
tinker with those two things to improve your experience. So let’s expand your
understanding of how you work by briefly exploring beliefs, the Meta Model,
predicates, and meta-programs. Okay, I know that’s some scary lingo, but don’t
let this run you off. Stay with me a moment. I promise you’ll find it really
interesting.
Clues to Beliefs:
The Deep Structure of Language and the Meta Model
In Chapter 1, we learned a bit about how our minds use a linguistic shorthand to
allow us to make sense of our world. There are several other specific ways that
we filter our experience in order to make our unique world possible; these are
called “Meta Models.”
Many Meta Model filters are useful. For instance, generalizations save you from
having to learn how to tie your shoes every time you put them on. A little of this
is a good thing. However, too much of this good thing can be quite limiting.
Here’s why.
Many of our generalizations are unconscious and this is especially so in the case
of beliefs. Many of these “rules” that we’ve created for ourselves come from an
earlier time in our lives. Some of these actually come from someone else and are
not really our choices at all.
A lot of the generalizations that take the form of beliefs were formed when we
were very, very young and another large group were formed when we were
adolescents. Beliefs formed in early childhood are generally the result of
learning from our parents and our environment how to survive in the world.
That’s a very useful thing. It’s just that now that we’re adults we can make better
choices for ourselves because we have learned an awful lot since we were five
years old.
Likewise, in adolescence, in high school, we formed a lot of other beliefs. A lot
of those were based on the extensive wisdom of our fourteen, fifteen, and even
eighteen-year-old friends. I don’t know about you, but I remember that when I
was seventeen, I was amazed at how little my dad knew. What really surprised
me, though, was how much he had learned just five short years later!
TIPS TO NOTICE AND IDENTIFY BELIEFS
To notice your beliefs and discover how they got there, here are some important
warning signs to watch for and listen for in yourself. An easy one to notice is
when you find yourself thinking “I really should do (that).” “It’s something that
really ought to be done.” “I really have to take care of that now.” Terms like
should, ought to, must, can, and may are called words of necessity. And that is
what they imply: that there is an absolute necessity to the statement that contains
that word. It can be really useful to simply ask yourself, “Who says?” or
“According to whom?” And then listen for an answer. You might be surprised to
discover how much of your life is being run by the incredible wisdom of a
fifteen-year-old, or your crazy aunt Sally.
This phenomenon isn’t limited to words; it can also easily be linked to images
that are triggered by an event or a time of day. I have a friend who used to
wonder why it was that he found himself washing his car every Saturday
morning, whether it needed it or not. After paying attention for a while, he
realized that when he got up and walked out to pick up the newspaper, if the
dateline said “Saturday” an image flashed through his mind, faster than he could
see it. It was an image of his father getting up and washing the car every
Saturday morning. It was something he remembered from when he was a very
young child. That very young child wanted to be exactly like his father, and
wasn’t able to know what was important about that and what wasn’t. That
sequence of events, seeing that the date was Saturday and the image of his father
flitting through his mind, and the feeling of affection and respect for his father
triggered his motivation. Without his conscious awareness, this resulted in what
was almost an obsession with washing his car every Saturday morning.
Well, it was nice to have a clean car. His wife appreciated it. But it probably
would have been even nicer if he had some choice about it, and to have been
able to do something else on Saturday, like take his wife out for brunch.
Other warning words to listen for are words that you’ll recognize are massive
overgeneralizations. These are words like all, always, every, and never. Listen
for them when you’re talking and even when you’re talking to yourself. You’ll
also hear them when other people speak.
When you find yourself thinking or saying one of those thoughts, like “Oh, I
never get to X,” or “That always happens to me,” it’s useful to sort out where the
generalization came from. Does this really happen all the time? Everywhere? In
every situation with everyone? Poking gently at overgeneralizations like that will
usually give you some counter-examples to those generalizations. The contrast
and comparisons of counter-examples can help you to open up to considering
more ways of dealing with those very situations. After all, if you accept that you
will never get X, you’ll be right. It’s like Henry Ford said: “Whether you think
you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.”
The examples you just reviewed illustrate different Meta Model violations. You
don’t have to concern yourself with the terminology, but if you’d like to explore
additional examples and this fascinating deep structure of language, follow this
link: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-1.
You’ll have an opportunity to explore beliefs in greater detail in Section 2. For
now, start noticing how your beliefs are influencing you—either limiting or
empowering you. Set your inner antenna to notice what you’re thinking and,
without judging those thoughts, decide if that’s what you want to be thinking. If
not, find a preferred thought to focus on, one that feels better.
Like That: How Our Language and
Behavior Reveal Individual Preferences
In addition to beliefs, each of us uses “Meta-Programs” to navigate our lives.
A QUICK META-PROGRAM PRIMER
Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour, trainers and authors of multiple NLP
resources, describe meta-programs as:
perceptual filters that we habitually act on . . . patterns we use to
determine what information gets through. For example, think of a glass
full of water. Now imagine drinking half of it. Is the glass half full or
half empty? Both, of course; it’s a matter of viewpoint. Some people
notice what is positive about a situation, what is actually there, others
notice what is missing. Both ways are useful and each person will
favor one view or the other.
Meta-programs are systematic and habitual, and we do not usually
question them if they serve us reasonably well . . . Meta-programs are
important in key areas of motivation and decision making.
Because meta-programs filter experience and we pass on our
experience with language, certain patterns of language are typical of
certain meta-programs. . . . For example, one meta-program is about
action. The proactive person initiates, he jumps in and gets on with it.
He does not wait for others to initiate action. A proactive person will
tend to use complete sentences, e.g.: “I am going to meet with the
managing director.” A reactive person waits for others to initiate an
action or bides her time before acting. She may take a long time to
decide or never actually take action at all. A reactive person will tend
to use passive verbs, incomplete sentences, and qualifying phrases,
e.g.: “Is there any chance that it might be possible to arrange a meeting
with the managing director?”
Notice the difference. Again, neither is wrong or right—just different. Which
one is more like you? Let’s play with a few more examples.
The meta-program called options/procedures is one that’s easy to notice in
language and behavior. Think about this for a moment. Are you someone who
likes to have an established, proven way of doing things—or someone who’s
always doing things a little differently? If you like a “right way,” you’re
probably procedures-oriented. If you feel hemmed in by having to do something
the same way over and over, you’re options-oriented. Neither is better; it’s just
indicative of your personal preference.
Here’s another to try on. Imagine that you’re getting ready to do your taxes. Are
you motivated to do them by April 14 because you’ll be glad to wrap up your
accounting for the year and maybe even get a refund? Or are you more likely to
do them on time because you’re concerned that you might incur a penalty or that
your return may be flagged for an audit if it’s late? If your thought pattern is
more like the first situation, your motivation strategy is “toward” because you’re
moving toward a positive outcome. If your strategy is more like the second
situation, you’re more “away-from” oriented because you’re moving away from
a potentially negative consequence.
Keep in mind that meta-programs are a framework of thought; each one operates
more like a continuum rather than as “either/or.” Where you or someone else
falls on the continuum often depends on the context, on what’s going on. After
all, most of us are different in our personal lives from what we are in our
professional lives—or when we’re relaxed rather than operating under pressure.
Of the more than forty recognized meta-programs, it helps to be aware of these:
Meta-Program
Answers the
Question
Options/Procedures
Is it more important for you to do something the
“right way” than it is to have alternative ways of
doing it?
Toward/AwayFrom
Are you more motivated by moving toward something
that has a potentially positive outcome, or away from
a potentially negative consequence?
Proactive/Reactive
Are you more likely to take the initiative to act, or
wait for someone else to do it—or for something else
to happen?
Internal/External
When you evaluate something, are you more likely to
use an internal personal standard or to ask for
someone else’s feedback?
General/Specific
Do you most often deal in the “big picture”—or the
details?
Match/Mismatch When making comparisons, do you notice how things
are alike or where there are differences/discrepancies?
It’s not critical that you identify which ones fit you. It does, however, help to be
aware that the thought patterns you’re working with filter your experience. As
you slow down your thoughts and begin to notice more about how you operate,
you’ll become more in tune with how you motivate yourself and make decisions.
To receive a brief profile of your meta-programs, visit the following link to take
a fun, quick assessment. Go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-4 or use the QR code with
your phone.
PREFERRED REPRESENTATIONAL CHANNELS: PREDICATES
Because we use language to communicate our thoughts, our choice of words will
reveal our thought patterns and preferences. A “Predicate,” for example, reflects
the representational system being used. In Chapter 1, you learned about
representational modalities. As a refresher, we all operate in all three channels—
visual, auditory, or kinesthetic—and each of us has an unconscious preferred
way of processing. For example, I’m highly auditory, so when I’m learning
something, I’d rather listen to a CD or have someone tell me what I need to
know. Someone who’s visual might prefer to read a manual or look at how-to
illustrations.
Since I’m highly auditory, my language will reflect that, too. I’m likely to say,
“That sounds good to me . . . I hear you loud and clear . . .” or “That rings true in
my experience.” These sensory-based words are called “Predicates.” Again, it’s
not important that you recall the terminology, only that you begin to listen to the
language you use and notice what your preferences are.
The purpose of this brief introduction to beliefs, the Meta Model, MetaPrograms, and representational preferences is to help you understand that how
you’ve become the you who you are today is not random; it’s not a mystery.
There’s a structure to how you take in information, how you make decisions,
how you motivate yourself, and how you communicate. And, as you discover
your unique structure, you can more easily make changes.
In the rest of this chapter, you’ll have an opportunity to take a look at yourself
through some NLP filters and then make choices to either strengthen the
qualities that you like—or reduce the qualities that you don’t like as much. You
can actually change your self-concept.
Today’s You and the Desired You:
The Impact of Self-Concept
Here’s a story: After completing an NLP seminar with Steve Andreas, a brilliant
teacher and innovator, I remember sitting on the plane and writing in my
notebook all the characteristics I was going to instill in myself. Well, as you
might imagine, I got sidetracked by the immediacies of life and never did that. It
wasn’t until quite a while later, when I felt a crisis in my identity and selfconcept, that I got around to making these changes.
For me, this crisis came with retirement, but it can happen to anyone who
experiences a significant life change. Such a change can be positive or negative
—graduation, marriage, childbirth, a new career or the loss of one—all of these
life transitions can provoke real self-examination. Although I loved the leisure
and sudden relief of responsibility that came with retirement, I suddenly wasn’t
certain what I ought to be doing . . . who I was . . . or what I could do.
It was probably pretty tiresome for my wife until I realized that I needed to take
a look at who I thought I was and find out who I wanted to become for the next
phase of my life. So here’s how you can do that—without having a crisis!
The first step is to find out how you build your self-concept. As we get into this,
you’ll find that there’s a structure made up of sub-modalities and generalizations
and all the things that we’ve been talking about. So here’s how to find out about
that for each of you.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying Something You Like About Yourself
Go inside yourself and pick something that you know to be true about yourself
that you like. Something you like about yourself that you know to be true. Just
take a moment. There’s no need to overthink it—just find something you know
to be so, and write it down.
Now, here’s an interesting thing about this process. First, when you think about
something that you know to be true about yourself and you can say, “I love to
garden,” “I’ve got a good sense of humor,” “I’m really generous,” “I’m very
picky about keeping my car clean,” “I’m very truthful,” “I’m a great storyteller,”
“I have a special way with animals,” or whatever it happens to be. When you say
that, immediately you get some sort of representation about that quality or
behavior, don’t you? So notice that. This is where you take a look and see.
Details are important here—so notice, is it a symbol? Is it a picture of you doing
something? Is it a picture of somebody else doing the thing that you do? Is it
saying what you say or feeling how you feel?
It’s very important that you learn the qualities of this, so let’s follow this down.
This is something you’ve accepted about yourself for some time, and you like
about yourself. How has your brain got this information filed? We know it’s
using the language of the five senses—so is it an image? Maybe more than one,
but there will be one sort of representation that’s kind of like the generality of
this characteristic for you.
Now, notice a couple of things. If it’s a visual picture, notice where it is—and
notice, is it a movie or is it a still? Is it color or black-and-white? Is it brighter
than daylight, not as bright as daylight, or darker? Is it life-size, larger than lifesize, or smaller than life-size? These are very important, because whatever
characteristics this image has, it’s your brain signaling to you that “this is
something that’s true about me,” so note that.
Here’s what I know is true. Whatever it is you believe about yourself that you
like is probably a good thing. I’ve never met anybody who bragged about being
cruel or flaky or sloppy or lazy or selfish or dishonest, so what you like about
yourself is probably something good.
The way that belief came about was the same way you learned about doorknobs
and politics. Over the course of your life, you had enough experiences or enough
people commented on this thing you like about yourself that you have evidence
—so you generalized from that. That’s undeniable; that’s certainly happened.
My question is, as you look back to see the evidence that supports the trait or
way of being that you have—as you see that, I’m curious, how many examples
do you have? How many bits of evidence or how many memories do you have
that you are that way?
I did this experiment with my wife as we were driving to visit friends and she
said, “I have thousands of examples of how I’m friendly and easy to talk to.”
Then I asked her to go look for them—and initially it was really hard to find
them. But then all kinds of examples just sort of popped up, because that
characteristic is such a part of her everyday experience.
The important thing to note is that you can list a few, several, hundreds, or
thousands of examples—you can write down however many bits of evidence
you have in your database that show you are this certain way . . . that you have
this trait that you like about yourself . . . and you’ve noted if it’s an image, where
it is.
If it wasn’t an image, what was it? You say, “Well, I just have a feeling about
this.” Okay, you have a feeling. Does that feeling include some sort of a visual
representation? It almost always does, and it certainly does when you’re looking
for evidence.
Here’s another quality of the evidence I’d like you to note. The first thing we’re
going to do is to make this thing you like about yourself even stronger.
Whatever it is about yourself that you like, if you would like that to be stronger,
then do this: Notice the representation of that characteristic or way of being that
you have—and notice whether it’s a feeling or a voice in your head telling you
that you’re that way. And notice if it’s somebody else’s voice telling you you’re
that way—or notice if it’s an image. By combining this initial representation,
whatever it is, AND the other two senses, you will have a remembered
experience that’s visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Take a moment and do that
now.
Next, look at the evidence in your database, the memories you have where you
exhibited that characteristic or way of being—and notice the quality of these
examples. What do you see? Are you seeing yourself doing whatever it is—and
you’re outside that? Can you “go into” each picture so you can relive those
experiences at will? Being associated strengthens the experience.
When you look at those bits of evidence that you are this certain way, are they
scattered pretty evenly back through your childhood or whenever you developed
this trait? Maybe it’s something you developed later in life. That’s okay. Just
notice.
Now, here’s a really important step. Check to see if there’s any evidence in your
future that you are this way. In other words, are there places where you expect to
be this way in the future? As you look to the future, if you don’t see evidence
that you are this way, I suggest you put some in there.
You can put these expectations on little index cards that contain blank movies
that just haven’t run yet. They can be photographs of you in the future, and you
can see yourself from behind as you’re moving toward them—because this is in
your future. You can see that “future you” doing those things, or you can pop in
and imagine you’ll be doing them when you’re old and saintly. Any of these
possibilities will also strengthen this trait or way of being.
Now, here’s an interesting thing about self-concept—it’s got staying power.
Some people are very durable in their self-concept—they’re solid—and the more
relaxed they are, the more they are who they are. Some people’s self-concept is
more fluid.
Here’s an interesting thing that happens. If there’s something you like about
yourself that you know to be true, you also know that you haven’t been perfect
your entire life. Holding these contrasting reflections at the same time can be
challenging.
Let me give you an example. I like that I’m honest—and I know that it’s true
that I am honest. But I shoplifted when I was a kid. In my life, I’ve lied on
occasion. I’ve even cheated. I’ve had some earlier experiences that are what we
call counter-examples. In the scope of things, they were trivial—but they taught
me how bad it was to be dishonest. So, I have old evidence that I’m not honest
and more current evidence that I am. What good does that do me? Does it keep
me truthful? Yeah, it helps, as long as I keep these counter-examples in
perspective. Otherwise, they could also weaken my self-concept.
You see, having a self-concept that I’m honest means that’s my first choice—
and that honesty is my instinct, without exception, in every situation. I find it’s
easier, it’s more convenient, and I don’t have to remember a line of BS, so there
are a lot of reasons why it’s useful. I make sure that my wife and I are on the
same page because I’m not hiding or living a separate reality from her, so there
are a lot of reasons why I like this. But I don’t wear it like a badge of honor,
because I know I’m flawed.
However, if I were to bring those old counter-examples forward and put them in
my face so I couldn’t even say I’m honest or that I want to be honest, it would
undermine my self-concept. It would create incongruity and it would weaken
me.
Now, here’s what to do. I don’t think that you should deny the truth. I think
that’s unrealistic and psychologically unhealthy. What you do instead is to turn
any recollection of a behavioral counter-example into just a statement on a piece
of paper in your memory.
Do not go back and relive the time when you didn’t measure up. In other words,
screen out negative examples—you can do this by choice. You’ve learned how
we can edit things and how we can strengthen things—so you can do this a lot of
different ways.
You can actually convert the memory. For instance, I can remember stealing a
Baby Ruth candy bar from the corner grocery store in our neighborhood, and
then my dad marched me back in. I cried and apologized and got chewed out for
it. But I remember doing it—so I know I’m not honest. I remember that little
crime when I was a kid. My dad made sure I’d remember it—but I no longer see
myself doing that, other than hauling it up now to tell you about it.
Normally when I go back to this experience, it’s a little index card in my
memory that says, “Yeah, that was one of your learning experiences. That is one
of the reasons that you’re honest now,” so I converted the experience to a reason.
And now that reason strengthens my instinct to be honest.
To strengthen the thing you like about yourself, convert a counter-example from
something that says, “Oh no you’re not,” to “Oh, and this learning experience
makes you even more that way now.”
So again, focus on the trait that you like about yourself, which you should like
and appreciate even more now, because you’re strengthening it, and then sweep
back through your files. If you found counter-examples that made you a little
uncomfortable or a little incongruent about having this trait or characteristic—or
you felt less than entitled to it because there were exceptions—just change those
counter-examples so that they’re learning experiences that make you even more
this way now.
That’s right, it’s a little job to do and may take a little reflection. Take your time.
To strengthen self-concept, here’s something I do that you might also consider
doing. When I come out of my morning meditation, the first thing I do is to
thank my Maker for the way I’m feeling and for the life I have. The second thing
I do is to just sort of flood my body with gratitude that it’s all functioning. I
don’t even think about it, and the cells are dividing and the blood’s moving and
everything seems to be working pretty good even after all these years of abuse.
The next thing I do is sort of just be glad that I am who I am. I say, “I’m not
perfect, but life’s not over yet.” I have the sense that I’m learning and that I’ll be
better tomorrow than I am today and that I keep trying. This just gives me a
sense of real strength and ease as I move back into my day.
So you can tie some of this self-concept work, in terms of self-regard, to that
little private time. Take thirty seconds to just appreciate yourself and your life as
you come out of meditation. Just make that a habit. Your brain will love you for
it. Your unconscious will love you.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-7.
Discovery Activity:
Adding Elements to Your Self-Concept
Now I want to start to make use of some of the groundwork that you did earlier
in this chapter. Let’s look at adding elements to your self-concept. How would
you do that? The same way you built your original self-concept—by
generalizing from certain experiences.
I propose that you have many more experiences that you haven’t generalized that
are positive. So one of the ways to do this is to pick a trait that you would like to
strengthen in yourself.
As an example, about a month ago, I picked a way of being that I thought would
be useful to me for the next phase of my life. I picked calm, well organized, and
highly productive. I’ve had six years now of being out of a regular responsibility
for running a company and the structure it imposed. Some weeks I’ve written,
some weeks I’ve led seminars, other weeks I’ve consulted in companies.
Sometimes I’ve just spent time down at the river or at the pool. There wasn’t any
sort of normal structure and I found I wanted one; I just wasn’t satisfied with my
productivity.
As I imposed this new structure, part of me said, “Oh no you don’t. I’ve worked
for decades for this. I’m not giving this up. Do that Thursday. Do that next
week,” and this resistance was inhibiting my progress on some of my projects.
So I thought, “Well, I’d like to be motivated to be more naturally procedural in a
calm, nonfrantic way, and just plow ahead.” I have to tell you, I did this work
about a month ago—and my productivity has skyrocketed. It’s probably up 60
percent, and here’s how you can do it, too.
Before we begin, remember the sub-modalities of the first thing you picked that
you like about yourself and know to be true. Refresh your memory about these
sub-modalities now.
Next, pick a trait that you would like to have—or that you do have that you
would like to strengthen. It can be any way of being that you want. As you
identify it and see it now, immediately see some sort of image or see yourself
being a certain way. Make sure that the sub-modalities of this new image match
those of the image of the first characteristic you picked, in every way—location,
size, color, lightness and brightness, motion or not—exactly the same. Put it in
the same place.
Then, second, do the same thing that you did with that quality or characteristic,
which is to take it and make sure that you can see it, you can hear it, and you can
feel it. Then, once you have that image just right, step into it so you’re actually
doing it, and see if it feels okay to be that kind of a person. Does that feel all
right?
Again, your choice of a new trait should be realistic: one that you know you
could do and would really be pleased to find yourself doing. It’s not like you’re
suddenly a high-fashion model or astronaut or anything like that. This is
something that’s realistic and it has to do with a characteristic or way of being
that you would like to add to your description of yourself—or that you would
like to strengthen.
If that feels as good as it ought to, that’s fine. Now go back to your memory and
notice the many times that you have been that person or that you have been that
way. You might not have noticed it before. You certainly didn’t treat it the way
I’m asking you to treat it now.
Take those memories and make sure they look and feel and sound like the
memories of that first trait you chose that you like about yourself. The example
should match in terms of the filing system that you let your brain use. What’s
happening now is you’re gradually realizing that you are that way. That it’s part
of you.
If I hear a little voice in my head saying, “Yeah, but . . .” I address that, saying,
“Yeah, but I wasn’t always that way. That’s why I want to strengthen it,” or “I’m
not really that way. I want to become that way.”
That voice is a voice that’s looking at the counter-examples. “Look here. You
weren’t that way there. You weren’t that way here.” It’s like one of those little
shoplifting things. Yes, that may also be true, and those are the reasons you want
to become that way.
Again, take those examples—if they’re examples of behavior that didn’t
demonstrate this preferred way of being—and turn them into little index cards
with a note on it that says, “This experience makes me want to be this way even
more.” Allow those notes to drop into the places where those memories are.
So now you’ve got two sets of filed experiences. One set is the one that we
worked with earlier, which has to do with something that you know you like
about yourself. The other set of filed experiences includes the experiences for
this additional way of being that you either want to add to or use to strengthen
your self-concept. Look at them both and make sure that they look the same and
that they’re stored in the same place.
Now test this out. Imagine this new trait added to your self-concept—and it’s
true and accurate because you’ve done it in the past. As it becomes part of you,
consider something coming up in the future—perhaps later today, perhaps
tomorrow, perhaps the next day, where you’ll be exhibiting this new
characteristic. Notice how it feels to have this trait. Notice how it is when this is
just part of who you are, notice how things look to you, notice how you feel
about yourself. Feel this in your body.
What has changed? In terms of how it feels to be you—and this is pretty
significant—notice what has changed with this new characteristic added to your
self-concept.
Over the next several days, invest a few minutes and do this imagining of how
you feel when you exhibit this new trait that’s in your subconscious; just do that
every morning. Do it for at least three days.
The Archaeological Dig: An Example of Self-Concept Work
Before moving on, I’d like to share an example from working with a thirty-twoyear-old intensive care nurse who wanted to enhance her self-concept by adding
the trait of being energetic. She was careful to tell me that she didn’t want to be
so energetic that she couldn’t easily unwind at the end of the night. (That’s
ecology, right?)
After exploring her motivation, she told me that if she were more energetic,
she’d be willing to go out more often at night. When I asked her, “What will
being more energetic and going out at night do for you that’s even more
important?” her meta-outcome was that she’d feel less lonely because she’d have
the opportunity to connect more with other people.
By talking through past examples of when she did—or didn’t—go out at night,
she learned about some of her meta-programs and beliefs that were
automatically shaping her perceptions of how things could be different. When
she thought about taking the initiative to plan an evening with someone, she
experienced a sense of deep sadness—and even some physical symptoms like
tiredness and low level of anxiety.
When we explored how she knew to feel like this (what the cue was that
automated that response), she found an image of herself when she was a little
girl. When her current self asked the little girl (her younger self) what she was
trying to do for her, Denise learned that girls were supposed to be nice and that if
they were, they’d be invited lots of places. So the meaning that she was making
of her current situation was that the lack of invitations or changes in plans meant
she wasn’t nice enough, wasn’t liked enough for people to be with her.
Long story short, by accepting that her younger self was actually trying to
advocate for her, Denise’s current self was able to stop resisting and begin
negotiating with the little girl. Together we explored alternatives that would
satisfy both of them.
Ripple Effects:
How One Change Often Creates More Change
When deciding to add being “more energetic” to her self-concept, Denise got
more than she bargained for, didn’t she? Today, in addition to being more
energetic, she’s more comfortable being proactive, she’s more congruent, and
she’s less likely to interpret a change of plans as meaning there’s something
wrong with her.
So that’s just one example of strengthening self-concept. There are thousands of
others. And if you’re the kind of person who really wants to gain more influence
over yourself, the way you behave, how you think, and what you know, if you
want to be that kind of person, you’re on the road to doing that now.
You have the raw material to look inside yourself and to never again become a
victim of rage, panic, or long-term depression that runs away with itself. And
you have the tools.
I believe that having this kind of familiarity with your own inner processes gives
you a chance to work on yourself—and to have a more understanding attitude
about other people. Here’s an example of what I mean.
Earlier this morning, I was driving in the San Francisco Bay area at rush hour. It
continues to amaze me that I lived down here in the middle of five million
people because it’s so busy compared to where we live in the mountains today.
I’m driving along and some young lady who was on her way to work—anxious,
busy, distracted—jumps in front of me in traffic and flips me off in the rearview
mirror. I was moving too slow. “Here’s this old guy . . .” I actually have no idea
what she was saying to herself, but it certainly seemed like I ticked her off.
It was kind of funny because I saw her watching me, flipping me off, and then
reaching down, taking out some lipstick, and looking in the same rearview
mirror to adjust her makeup—all this, just before she slammed on her brakes and
almost hit the guy in front of her as we came to the next signal.
I didn’t get mad at her. Instead, I reminded myself she’s in her twenties, she’s
got six things on her mind—maybe a date tonight, probably running a little bit
late for work, all these people are in her way, including me—so she wasn’t
having as good a morning as I was. I had a great morning! I just felt humane. I
felt compassionate toward her, just because she’s so busy and so rushing around
and so lost in her own situation and not “getting” it.
Well, everybody’s like that. Everybody’s in their own situation doing the best
they can. If you look at the NLP presuppositions now with your understanding of
how you operate inside—if you look at these operating principles (listed at the
end of Chapter 1) and really test those statements—you can see that they are not
clichés. They reflect the best thinking that there is on how human beings actually
operate and why.
In the next chapter, you’ll discover how what you’ve learned about how your
brain works can be used to give you insight into how other people experience
things. This will help you to become more patient, resilient, and relaxed. You’ll
be more confident, too, because you’ll understand that everyone is doing the best
they can, and that most of them are reacting to inputs and filters that are out of
their awareness. They don’t know that they’re having pictures, sounds, and
feelings in their head. They don’t know it’s constantly going on and triggering
them. But you do now—and this understanding will serve you well.
Key Ideas
• Stress can create a cascade of negative reactions. Having stressmanagement strategies for dealing with emergencies and preventing
the buildup of stress enhances someone’s options for positive
behaviors and outcomes.
• Each of us is a product of our experiences—and the thought patterns
and conclusions we’ve created in response to those experiences.
• Beliefs are generalized thoughts that act as automated filters that
determine what information we “let in.”
• Beliefs can be empowering or limiting in the way they shape our
experience.
• The deep structure of what we mean is not always clearly
communicated by what we say. Our linguistic shorthand often reflects
an overgeneralization. These are called Meta Model violations and
may “signal” us that we are acting from an old belief, and not current
reality.
• Meta-programs are thought patterns, based on generalizations (an
efficiency strategy that the brain uses) because we don’t have time to
relearn everything. These patterns act as automatic filters that help us
make decisions; they tell us what’s okay for someone and what’s not.
They also filter out any evidence that’s contrary to the belief.
Someone’s meta-programs are reflected in how they speak and behave.
• Although there are more than forty meta-programs, six key ones to
focus on are:
> Options/Procedures
> Toward/Away-From
> Proactive/Reactive
> Internal/External
> General/Specific
> Match/Mismatch
• Predicates are sensory-based words that telegraph someone’s preferred
representational channel—visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. For
example, “That sounds good to me,” “I hear you loud and clear,” or
“That rings true in my experience” are phrases usually indicating an
auditory representation of experience.
• Your self-concept is a generalization about your behavior that is based
on selecting examples of events that demonstrate your qualities,
collecting them together into a database, and then using one example
as a sort of summary—what cognitive linguists call a prototype.
• When counter-examples are integrated into your database of examples,
as examples of learning, they strengthen the self-concept. Too many
counter-examples, or counter-examples that are too large or prominent,
can threaten or destroy the self-concept.
• When making changes to their self-concept, someone may discover
more about how they “work” and need to negotiate internal changes to
get the best possible result (as Denise did).
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-
10 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
Section Two: It’s All About Relationship
CHAPTER FIVE: MAKING COMFORTABLE CONNECTIONS
How come we don’t connect?
When we get too caught up in the busy-ness of the world, we lose connection
with one another and ourselves.
—Jack Kornfield
This quote is a great snapshot of how many people feel today. Section 1 was all
about understanding and making connections with yourself. This section focuses
on making connections with others.
In this era of ever-evolving technology, experts say we communicate more than
ever before because we can so easily connect to information, to other people, to
places all over the world. Others say that these instantaneous, fleeting “touches”
don’t really satisfy our need for human connection. And some educators and
business leaders fear that our reliance on electronic technologies will limit our
ability to communicate and connect in face-to-face situations.
What you’ll learn in this chapter will help you make positive first impressions
and create rapport with anyone you choose to—simply by making them feel safe
and interesting. That may sound pretty fundamental, and it is. Yet it’s not what
most of us do when we initially meet and try to connect with someone.
Internal Systems:
How You Work Is Similar to How Others Work
In the first section of this book, you discovered a lot about how your brain works
and how you can make changes so you function even more effectively.
Everything you learned that goes on inside you also goes on inside other people.
We all have the same structure of experience. We receive some kind of stimuli,
either a memory or something coming in from outside; then the brain assigns a
meaning to it . . . that triggers emotions . . . and those emotions trigger a
behavior:
To oversimplify things, this “process” is how we create our inner worlds, our
personal “Maps.” Now we’re moving into dealing with someone else, too—
someone who has their own unique map! We’re all processing, all the time,
right? But here’s the thing. When we see other people, all this goes on so fast
that we just make assumptions about who they are. We stereotype: the person
says this or does that, therefore they’re a certain kind of person. Frequently, our
judgments about another person, which are really more like first impressions, are
really nothing more than a reflection of our own internal filters. That’s often
where the problem starts.
What do we have to do inside ourselves before we can cleanly and effectively
deal with this other person? If you really want to “get” another person, it helps to
drop your filters and find a way to be aware of what you’re thinking. In fact,
people who are really wonderful with others make it a point to consciously check
their own thinking. This helps them set aside their personal filters or mental
prejudices so they can get the real information as it comes in; they get what’s
actually happening past their personal filters. People who do this effectively are
truly able to focus on the other person. Because of this, they are considered
“good company” and other folks enjoy being with them.
Inside Out:
How to Adjust Your Inner World to Be Better Company
As you learned in the last chapter, there are many experiences that have shaped
the way you are today. And now you know that you can change your experience,
your responses, and even your self-concept. Here’s a hard fact: Being the way
you are is a choice. I’m not talking about things like being tall or being Swedish.
I’m talking about how you think, feel, and act. It may not always seem true, but
it is. As you’re aware, how we rewire ourselves is also a choice.
If you suddenly came into a lot of money and wanted to renovate and add on to
your house, how might you begin that process? You’d probably start by thinking
of houses that you really liked. And, most likely, you’d also give some thought
to places you’ve lived, or seen, that you didn’t like, right? You’d talk with
trusted friends who know you well to get their recommendations, and you might
even involve them in the project.
Rewiring yourself is a lot like the process of designing and building a house.
You start with the foundation of who you are now. You evaluate the advantages
and disadvantages of how you are today; then you begin to imagine and integrate
new possibilities, right? You could rewire your health-related habits, the way
you manage your financial decisions, or how you take care of your home. You
can change almost anything. For now, let’s focus on how you interact with
others.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying Ways That You’re Good Company
Imagine looking into a virtual mirror where you can see movie clips of how you
look, sound, and behave when you’re with other people. What do you like best
about how you interact with people? Perhaps you’re a patient listener. Maybe
you bring a lot of energy and laughter to conversations. Maybe you’re well
informed and interesting. What is it that makes you good company?
Take a moment now and think of a time when you felt good about yourself after
a conversation. What specifically do you like about what you did, how you
behaved, what you said? Note these things.
Consider a few other situations where you felt good about how you interacted
with someone, and include specific behaviors or ways of being on the list you’re
making.
These examples show you in the best light, don’t they?
Now it’s time to take a look at yourself in the harsh light of day; maybe it’s your
bathroom mirror that seems to age you ten years. Yikes! Based on this glimpse,
identify at least two ways you could be better company. These insights may
come from things others have told you or you might find memories of
interactions where you were kind of whiny, bossy, aggressive, or not really
present.
Reflecting back on these times might be uncomfortable, so it can be tempting to
dismiss these as exceptions. But wouldn’t you be relieved if you could do
something so that there were no, or at least very few, repeat performances? You
can. And it’s your choice.
Maybe you’re a real sweetheart and you never create any friction. But perhaps,
on the odd occasion when you’re under stress, weary, or hungry, maybe that’s
when these less desirable traits or behaviors come out. Yours may be few, but
most of us have them. If you sincerely want to become as good as possible in
dealing with others, it’s time to think about really exploring the ways you could
be even more enjoyable to be or communicate with. What are these? Add these
opportunities to your list.
If you’re really committed, or at least brave, get feedback from people you live
or work with. You might say, “I’d like to get better at how I connect with people
and I’m hoping you can help me by candidly answering three quick questions.”
Once you get their agreement, start by asking, “When you think of interacting or
spending time with me, what do you like best about that? What’s one thing
you’d like me to keep doing?”
They might say that they like how you really look at them when they’re telling
you something, that they feel like you’re not judging them, or that you always
have good advice. Whatever they say, make sure you understand it; you may
even want to ask them to share a specific example so you can tap into the
memory or feeling they’re sharing with you. If you don’t understand it, it’s hard
not to keep doing it or do it more often.
Thank them for that feedback and ask them the next question. “If you could
change one thing about how I interact with you, what would that be? You’re
important to me and I really want to know. What would you like me to stop
doing?” This may not be easy for you to ask, or for them to answer. Remember,
you’re looking for something that you can improve. They might say, “You’re
always so busy and rushed, I feel like I’m not important.” Or they may say, “I
hate it when you check email or accept phone calls when I’m trying to tell you
something.” The reflection they show you may not be welcome or pretty.
You might be thinking, “Wow, that was harsh” or “I only do that once in a
while.” Breathe. Of course, you don’t intend to be bossy, negligent, or
condescending. But if the meaning of the communication is the response that
you’re getting back, then you want to change your approach so you get a
different response back, right?
When you ask these three questions, really try to hear the response. Remember,
this person is entrusting you with something that’s uncomfortable, something
they wish were different. It’s important to avoid being defensive and to make
sure you understand what they mean. Acknowledge what they said: “So, what I
heard you say is that you’d like me to give you my full attention when we’re
talking and if something happens that I have to attend to right away, you’d like
me to commit to a time when we can pick up where we left off. Is that right?
Thank you for telling me that. It’s very useful feedback—and it’s something I’m
very willing to work on.”
Asking this question can generate some emotional sparks and the other person
may see this discussion as an opportunity to get some other things off their chest.
If so, you’ll have to decide how to handle that in the moment or schedule a time
to fully address their concerns. Later in this chapter, you’ll learn some tips to
help cool down emotional situations.
The final question is “If you could wave a magic wand to change how I interact
with you, what’s one thing you’d like me to start doing?” The answers to this
question usually surprise me. The answers don’t feel like criticism and they
provide me with insight into what’s really important to that person. This has
been a blessing to me in personal and professional relationships.
Three simple questions—keep, stop, start. When asked with intention and
sincerity, they can help you immensely. Right now you’re probably already
thinking about people you want to ask for feedback. I recommend starting with
easy situations first; perhaps it’s your favorite client, a friend who’s usually
complimentary, or a teacher who’s given you good advice in the past.
Whomever you ask, thank them for sharing their impressions with you. By
responding, they’re taking a risk and making an investment in your relationship.
Of course, the feedback you get reflects what the other person makes up in their
mind, but again, we’re the ones who are striving to be the most flexible because
we want the most influence. Therefore, it’s not about right or wrong, it’s simply
about who’s going to be the most flexible.
Once you get feedback from others, add their input to your list. Knowing the
ways you are good company and the ways you can be easier to be around is a
gift. If you act on the information people share with you, you will be easier to be
around. Happily, I’m proof of that.
Friction on the Line?
How the Three Parts of Your Brain Work Together
If you’ve reflected on your past experiences, you know what behaviors or ways
of being you have that you want to improve. Even with this awareness of your
habits, your brain and your state of mind affect how you radiate and what kind of
vibe you’re sending out.
Here’s why. The brain has different parts—and these parts have different jobs. A
New York Times article titled “Inside the Mind of Worry” by David Ropeik
explains this well.
Work on the neural roots of fear by the neuroscientist Joseph
LeDoux of New York University, and others, has found that in the
complex interplay of slower, conscious reason and quicker,
subconscious emotion and instinct, the basic architecture of the brain
ensures that we feel first and think second. The part of the brain where
the instinctive “fight or flight” signal is first triggered—the amygdala
—is situated such that it receives incoming stimuli before the parts of
the brain that think things over. Then, in our ongoing response to
potential peril, the way the brain is built and operates assures that we
are likely to feel more and think less.
This instinctive part of the brain is at work almost every time we meet someone.
In fact, it’s probably operating when you walk into a dark room. At some level,
the amygdala is sort of saying to the higher brain, “Pay attention. Look around.
Make sure everything’s okay.”
This situation is kind of like a pan of water that’s set on simmer. As long as the
water is warming and on simmer, there’s no problem. The amygdala
communicates with the higher brain, and the higher brain can analyze and solve
problems and reduce danger. That’s fine.
However, when it boils over, then that’s it. Now the thinking brain shuts off
because the amygdala is saying “Run! Run!” or “Get ready to fight!” At that
point, you’re not going to be very successful in managing yourself to deal with
others. And if you’re dealing with somebody who’s in that state, you’re not
going to be able to talk to their higher brain, either.
People are being driven by different aspects of their brain at different times. So
it’s important to be aware of where they are and how resourceful they might be
in their current state of mind. When we encounter somebody in traffic, they may
be driving with raw emotion, like anger. It’s really dangerous and I see it a lot.
When you’re the passenger where the driver is flipping people off, honking their
horn, or cutting other cars off in traffic, there’s no real way to have a
conversation with them that’s going to be at a higher level, or to have any sort of
reasonable interaction.
I want to mention the multifaceted brain because we’re always shifting back and
forth between its different parts. When we’re in conversation with someone else,
we want to be able to move from the feeling parts of the brain to the thinking
parts so that we can actually talk. That means that we want to reduce the
possibility of amygdala hijack, ours and theirs. We want to calm this part down.
We want to make the other person feel safe, and then we can have a conversation
with them.
Too Much of a Good Thing? The Role of Empathy
One of my clients, a twenty-nine-year-old social worker, asked me if it was
possible to have too much empathy. She went on to explain that she was worried
that she was sometimes so empathetic that she felt like she lost herself a little.
As we talked about this concern, my thought was—and this is a generalization
—“This is something I hear from my other female clients and friends.” Like my
wife, Laura often wrestles with her early conditioning of being a good little girl
—struggling to balance the childhood messages she got with her present-day
experiences and needs.
Because being empathetic with others is a good skill to have, I wanted to make
sure Laura decided to develop additional resources, rather than “bench” this one.
So I encouraged her to intentionally notice throughout the day what perceptual
position she was in, and to experiment with each of the three different perceptual
positions. I advised her that whenever she felt too deeply involved with another
person’s feelings to step outside herself and ask, “Am I going too far? How am I
feeling inside? What are my feelings?”
You might be wondering what perceptual positions are. We played in this
neighborhood during Chapter 2 when we explored association and disassociation
—the sub-modalities of being “in” the picture or mental movie or outside it.
Let’s talk briefly about the three perceptual positions because understanding this
will really help you when interacting with other people.
When we’re really mentally healthy, we flicker around between first, second,
and third positions, as appropriate. And we can go too far with any of the
positions.
First Position
First position is where you’re in your own body. You see everything through
your eyes and you know exactly how you feel. You know what you want, and
that’s a position of great authenticity. It can also be a kind of infantile position.
After all, it’s the perceptual position we had when we were babies, right? At that
point, we really knew what we wanted. “I’m hungry. I’m cold. I’m wet.” That’s
all we knew then and we yelled until we got it addressed. You probably know
some adults who still operate like this. When people get stuck in first position,
we describe them as narcissistic or immature. In NLP, some people also refer to
this position as self.
Second Position
Second position is what my client was talking about. That’s the position where
you’re very, very simpatico to another person. You feel someone else’s pain. If
you’re in second position, you might get someone a glass of water before they
even know they’re thirsty. It’s a position of great solicitation and understanding
of others. When we go too far with second position, we tend to be oversolicitous
and overdependent, and that’s often referred to as codependency. In NLP, some
people refer to this position as other.
Third Position
In NLP, the third position is often called the observer position. That’s where
you’re outside a situation and you just sort of record what’s happening. You see
what’s going on, completely separate from yourself, like an objective reporter
might. It’s a position where you can evaluate yourself and options. (That’s what
you did when you played with stepping out of your picture or mental movie in
Chapter 2.)
Scientists frequently operate from third position, as do surgeons, engineers, and
professional performers. People who work in these professions benefit from
stepping outside themselves to judge what’s going on. And because there’s not a
lot of emotion in third position, they can effectively determine what’s working
and what changes might be helpful. What’s the drawback? Well, if someone gets
stuck in third position, they’re sort of habitually detached, and people feel like
they can’t ever really connect with them.
Again, the goal is to take advantage of these different options. Go into first
position to get clarity about how you feel. To try something on from someone
else’s point of view, briefly go into second position. To evaluate a situation and
solutions, go into third position for objectivity.
A Case in Point: Intentional Use of Perceptual Positions
Let’s take an example of something that happened to me during the early days of
studying NLP that beautifully illustrates the usefulness of shifting between
perceptual positions.
Back then, I had a girlfriend who wasn’t sure what to make of NLP, how it was
changing me, and how passionate I was about it. In an effort to put her at ease
and maybe even get her excited about it, I said, “I’d really like you to come to
this introductory talk about NLP and just hear about it. In my enthusiasm, I don’t
think I’ve done a good job describing it to you. Maybe my favorite teacher,
Robert McDonald, will.”
She agreed to come. And, during the activities, we got separated. It was quite a
large room and we were all engaged in activities with other people. I thought it
would be useful to her to see several processes without having her experience
influenced or contaminated by me.
At the lunch break, she came over to me and said, “I’m going home. I feel
terrible.”
I said, “Wow, what happened?”
She said, “Oh, I went up to talk to the trainer. I just asked him a simple question
and he bit my head off.”
I thought, “That doesn’t sound likely to me.” But I gave her the car keys and told
her to head on home and I would get a ride from somebody at the end of the day.
Later that afternoon, I went up to the trainer and discussed it with him. I said, “I
brought a guest and you kind of fried her. She was feeling bad enough that she
actually left.”
He said, “Oh, I remember. She did come up and ask me a question,” and then he
did an interesting thing. He went through his memory of the interaction with my
girlfriend, using all three perceptual positions. He went through it first as himself
and said, “Let’s see, I was in the middle of talking with somebody else and she
came up and asked a question. I said, ‘Hang on a moment. I want to answer that,
but I need to finish this process.’ “
I said, “You know, she’s really shy and it wasn’t easy to even get her to join me
today. It probably took a hell of a lot for her to come and approach you.” Then
he went into second position. He became her, and he thought, “Well, yeah, I can
see if I were shy, and hesitant about being here, if I came up to the trainer and he
put me off like that, it might have felt a little abrupt to me.”
Then he went to third position and, from outside, he saw the two of them
interacting and thought, “You know, that really wasn’t beyond the pale. I asked
her very kindly if she would just wait a moment, but I understand how she might
have taken it the wrong way. Can I apologize to her?” I said, “I don’t know. I
don’t think she’s ever coming back. I just don’t know.”
He asked for her phone number and he called her that afternoon to apologize. It
was very interesting how he did it. He apologized for any part he might have
played in how she was feeling, but he made clear to her that her feelings were
her creation and not his.
He let her know that it was not his intent to make her uncomfortable, and that he
was not angry with her or irritated. He told her that he just needed to complete a
conversation he was having with the first person who had approached him with a
question. He explained that he was treating that first person the way my
girlfriend wanted to be treated. I think she got it, because she came back the next
day.
This story shows the value of each perceptual position. If you’re feeling a little
too sucked into somebody or into a situation, get back in to your body. The
anchor that you created in Chapter 1 can help you do that, because it’s an anchor
of power, and it’s a first position anchor. When you touch that place on your
middle finger, it should return you to yourself.
In industrialized societies, we are not encouraged to stay in first position. We’re
encouraged to get out of it. Girls are taught not to be selfish; they’re pushed into
second position. They hear “Be polite, be nice, be helpful, don’t be outspoken.”
And boys are taught not to cry. They’re kicked out of first position into third:
“Don’t be a baby; this is the way things are. Be a man.” In business and in
sports, even though there’s a lot of emotion, males are taught not to take it
personally. It’s like the Mafia. A guy shoots his friend and he says, “It’s just
business.”
I remember when I was in sixth grade, I was playing football with a friend of
mine for the first time. He actually hit me below the waist. He said he was sorry
and that it wasn’t personal. What he did took me out of the lineup and I was kind
of brokenhearted that my friend would deliberately hurt me just to get past me in
a game. But I learned the code, “It’s nothing personal, buddy. It’s just business
or it’s just a game.”
I know how I feel when I’m in my body. I know exactly how I feel. I have no
clue about how you feel because I’m in my body. I know how I do it. But I don’t
know how you do it. How can I find out how you do it? I can find out how you
do it by stepping outside myself and empathizing with you.
As we go into opportunities of dealing with another person, I want to be clear
that many of these activities encourage the second position. It’s a useful place to
visit, but you can’t really live there. You go there to gain information; you don’t
stay there. It’s only your place to gather information about how other people
really are. You want to live in first position—and briefly visit the other two.
Instant Processing: What Your Filters Process First
When we first meet someone, our brains begin to instantly process information
about what we see, hear, and feel. To help people understand and remember this
process, Rick Middleton, the founder of Executive Expression in Los Angeles,
created an acronym—GGNEE. In a first meeting, here’s what we’d initially
notice about someone. In this order, we notice that person’s:
Gender. It’s not because of how they’re dressed, it’s because we’re biological
critters that come in two versions, so the first thing we notice is what version the
other person is.
Generation or age. Are they children? Are they of reproductive age? Are they
older? Are they wise? Are they a dependent?
Nationality or ethnicity. Basically what color, what type of person they are.
Educational level. As we talk to them or as we see how they’re dressed, we’ll
draw some conclusions about their educational level, which is sort of
socioeconomic.
Emotions. After taking in and processing these other details, then we sort of
fantasize about their emotions. What do they seem to be feeling?
This processing happens incredibly quickly—bam! It’s so fast that our receiver
turns off and now we’re no longer open to receiving any real or original
information from these people. We’re just stuck in the efficiency of
generalization.
So how do people geniuses handle it?
Although people who are masterful at understanding and connecting with others
also have these filters, they understand and are aware of how their brain works.
When they notice they’re getting stereotypes or generalized impressions, they set
those filters aside. They don’t go there anymore; they open themselves up to
another person. Instead of being self-concerned, they manage to turn down the
inner noise and focus on the other person.
This conscious habit is one I’m hoping you’ll practice and master. If we’re going
to be really good with other people, we need to rewire ourselves so that we don’t
let our judgments, opinions, or beliefs, our dissonance or uneasiness, take the
attention away from the other person.
If we don’t have peace of mind, if we’re not comfortable with ourselves, if we’re
feeling the slightest bit insecure or incongruent, guess what happens? The other
person begins to feel insecure. They feel like we’re uneasy—so they get uneasy.
They get distrustful.
Managing your inner state is important. What you learned about yourself from
the discovery activities in the last few chapters will contribute to positive
preconditioning that will enable you to be even better company.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying Ways Other People Are Good Company
When you look inside your own mind and your own memories now, think of the
people whom you consider good company, people that you like being around
and who make you feel good.
When I think of the most entertaining people I know, I think of the life-of-theparty types. But they’re not the people who make me feel good. Frankly, they
make me feel kind of inadequate. The people who make me feel good are the
people who are at peace inside and who seem to genuinely be interested in me
and to care about me. Is that true for you, too?
When you think about the qualities of companionship that attract you, that make
you feel safe, make you feel valuable, you get a really good idea about the
qualities that you want to build in yourself.
So, right now, think of someone you like being around, someone that, when
you’re with them, you feel good. What is it about them that contributes to these
good feelings? Make note of special traits, behaviors, or ways of being.
Now think of another person who’s good company for you. What are their
special traits, behaviors, or ways of being? Compare this list to the first one you
made (earlier in this chapter) so you have a robust list of desired behaviors that
you want to include as you make changes to your patterns. Note any that are
qualities you want to build or strengthen in yourself. Keep in mind that you can
repeat this process whenever you notice yourself enjoying someone’s company,
or witness someone who’s masterful at building rapport and relationships.
When you compare these discoveries with the list you made a few minutes ago.
you’ll notice items on the list that echo something you already identified. These
repeated things might be the ones offering the greatest leverage to make a
significant change. Also note any new traits or behaviors that you’d like to
integrate into how you interact with others.
An Inside Job: How to Help Other People Feel Safe
We said earlier that making the other person feel safe is key to creating a
connection. To accomplish this, you must control your own incongruence,
nervousness, or feelings of insecurity. That’s not about other people; that’s an
inside job.
Some of us, who have an issue with doing this, talk about being shy. When, in
fact, it’s the way we’re thinking that makes us shy. That shyness is going to set
off an alert in other people’s brains because it’s going to make them very
uneasy. Basically, it communicates that we’re so self-involved that we’re not
really paying attention. We’re nervous, our eyes are darting around, we’re
shifting our weight or fidgeting, you get the picture. These behaviors are not
conducive to comfort. To make someone else comfortable, we have to be
comfortable within ourselves. This inside work must be done before we can put
someone at ease when interacting with us.
The interesting thing is, one way to get comfortable is to focus on the other
person instead of on you. Instead of being stuck, you stay in first position, but
you focus on the other person from within your first position. You operate from
an intention to make the other person feel safe.
Not Just Imitation:
How Mirroring and Matching Help You Make Connections
Here’s how you do that. You use your second position to sense how they’re
doing and you allow yourself to subtly match someone’s physical movements,
doing what they do with their body. Although the content and quality of
conversations can determine how our bodies match or mismatch each other, the
way our bodies, gestures, and tones match or mismatch can influence the actual
conversation.
The difference between matching and mimicking is that mimicking is really
overt and it can tick people off or make them very suspicious. If someone
experiences your mirroring as mimicking, it’ll create dissonance, not harmony.
What you really want to do is subtly match the way they’re seated, the position
of their hands, how fast they’re talking, or their rate of breathing.
An Example: Natural Rapport in Action
Here’s a story about natural rapport from my early NLP training. I walked into
the room after a break and discovered that the chairs had been rearranged. I
looked at the room and saw pairs of chairs that had been placed back-to-back. I
noticed that a lady I’d been seated near earlier was now sitting in one chair and a
friend of mine was standing near her, and he invited me to sit in the other chair.
As I began to sit in the open chair with my back to Ruth, she said, “We have to
talk.”
Her tone was intentionally a bit nasty, knowing that it’s a rare man who could
hear those words from a woman without getting a little chill down his spine. I
felt a little uneasy and asked, “What’s this about?” She laughed and said she was
just kidding me.
Then the instructor directed us to have a conversation with each other, without
seeing each other, simply sitting back-to-back. He told us to have a discussion
about anything and that we were supposed to agree with each other. That’s all
we needed to do.
As the observer, Steve, who was the third person in our group, was told to just
watch us and notice whatever he noticed. They didn’t give us any information
about what to expect at all, so we began a conversation—what a nice day it was,
how much we were enjoying the training, how interesting some of these
discoveries were, and so forth.
This went on for a while and then the instructor stopped us and said, “Okay, now
I would like you to have a conversation where you disagree.” So I decided to get
even with Ruth and started immediately by saying, “Well, I think women have
way too many rights in this society. It was a lot better when they were just stuck
in the bedroom.”
Ruth was a ship’s captain in a fishing fleet, a very, very smart, tough woman. I
knew this comment would send her up like a rocket. So she came back at me and
we had a pretty lively conversation for a few minutes. Then the trainer
interrupted us again.
He told us to turn our chairs around and face him. Next, instead of asking us
anything, he asked the assigned observers to share what they noticed, and it was
amazing. One after another, the observers said that when the partners were
having an agreeable conversation, no matter how we had been sitting when the
exercise began, our posture actually changed and mirrored the person whose
back was to us. Steve reported that Ruth and I not only had our legs crossed the
same way and our heads tilted in the same direction, but we were also gesturing
in synchrony.
When you hear something two or three times, you may think it’s a coincidence,
but we were hearing the same remarks a couple dozen times. All the observers
were saying the same thing. It was really strange to me. I had no personal
awareness of this, since I was sitting with my back to Ruth, and I wasn’t
watching the other pairs.
Then the instructor asked what happened when the partners were engaged in a
conversation where they disagreed. You’re probably not surprised at the punch
line. We went completely out of sync with each other. In no case, and there were
probably two dozen pairs of chairs doing this particular experiment, were the
parties matching up. Even if they were in synchrony earlier, the mirroring
disappeared. Body positions were more closed, and different from one another.
Their gestures and facial expressions were out of tune with each other.
This experience was really instructive and I recommend that you notice how
these indicators of harmony and discord are at work as you experience or
observe conversations that are agreeable—and those that are more conflictoriented. The process of being in or out of synchrony with someone is called
“Mirroring” in NLP.
So, like the story I just shared, when we really want to be in rapport with
somebody, we naturally mirror and match them. This is not complicated. You
don’t have to remember too many things here. You have to have an intention to
be in rapport with another person. How do you do that? A great way is to be very
curious about their emotional state and “try on” whatever you imagine that to be.
As you get into synchrony with them in terms of their body language, you’ll
notice there are space requirements. You don’t want to crowd people and you
don’t want to be too far away, either. You’re probably aware that people from
different cultures have different space requirements. I’m half Irish and half
Assyrian. So the Assyrian part of me would want to get right up in someone’s
face, where I can smell someone’s breath; that’s the Middle Eastern way. The
Irish part of me would lean toward the traditional European way, which favors
more distance.
Despite my heritage, I grew up in suburban Los Angeles and was raised with the
distance requirements that are typically accepted here. I find that if I’m talking
with somebody from another culture who gets close to me, I’m aware of it but it
no longer makes me uncomfortable. It used to—and with some people it will
create a subliminal dislike. And, if you’re too far away, it will create a
subliminal dislike because they’ll feel that you don’t want to be near them or you
don’t like them.
You’ll find that eighteen to thirty-six inches apart is generally a reasonable space
for most conversations, close enough to reach out and touch someone, but not so
close that you’re right in their personal space.
A Focus on Them, Not You:
How to Create a Sense of Being Felt
A key element of safety and acceptance is feeling felt. To do that, shift your
focus from you to them. Here are three easy ways to do that.
Just One Look: Eye Contact and “the Gaze”
To help someone feel seen, you need to make eye contact with them, right?
Probably as a kid, you glared at somebody in anger. You might have even been
able to get away with that with your parents when you couldn’t talk back to
them. I couldn’t get away with what we called the “hairy eyeball” with my dad
because my dad was way too sensitive about that kind of behavior. But as kids,
my brother and I would glare at each other in anger and in threat.
And yet, a gaze can also be inviting, can’t it? As adults, when we feel flirtatious
and want to make a kind of romantic connection with somebody, we might look
at them a little longer, too.
Through unconscious teaching, we’ve all learned the amount of time that it’s
polite to look at a person’s eyes. You can, of course, look at them longer when
they’re talking to you. And when you do it with positive intention, it gives them
the feeling they’re really being seen and heard. This eye contact has to do with
the length of time that you lock eyes with a person. I call this “the gaze.”
Holding someone’s gaze is fun to experiment with. It’s something you can easily
do and you’ll be delighted with the internal and external results. For example,
you can look at a person when they’re talking to you, then look away, and then
look back at them. What you might not be aware of is the amount of awareness
that the other person has about this kind of attention. It actually changes the way
they feel about themselves, the way they feel about you, and the way they gauge
the value of what they’re saying.
So try this. Look directly at a person whom you might ordinarily dismiss, like a
waiter, a toll taker, or a store clerk who answers a question you’ve asked.
Normally we don’t look at these people for very long. We glance away because
we’re on a mission. We’re anxious. But if you look at them half a second longer,
what happens is you make a direct human connection with them. That’s all you
need to do. It acknowledges them as an individual.
It also is important to look directly into a person’s eyes when you say “Thank
you” or “Please.” Even if you’re just asking for more ketchup, you’ll get better
service if you meet the server’s eyes directly, instead of just looking at your
plate or your dinner companion and saying, “Can I have more ketchup, please?”
If you stop and look at the waitress and say, “Can I have more ketchup, please?”
and she says, “Sure,” hold her eyes and say, “Thanks a lot.” It’s surprising—all
of a sudden, you jump up in priority. It’s a tiny change, but it’s like nuclear
power. Remember, people need to feel safe and at ease. So if your interest is too
intense, it can feel carnivorous. It has to be enjoyable. Try this subtle, longer
gaze and notice how your interactions shift.
To make a person feel felt, you’ll want to subtly mirror them and get into sync
with them. But you also need to sincerely make them feel seen and interesting.
Lots of people feel that they have not been recognized by the world. And you
may not be aware of this, but most people don’t feel okay. Many people don’t
feel understood. They feel like they’re being treated like they’re objects.
If, for example, someone is your customer, then you want to be careful to
remember that they’re a person, too, and that they have value to you beyond a
business transaction. They’re human beings, no matter what their role.
Tell Me More: Questions That Get Them Talking
It doesn’t matter if someone is a police officer, doctor, CEO, janitor, or thirteenyear-old soccer player. Everyone is a human being first, so they have feelings.
They will be aware of their own feelings first when they’re dealing with another
person. It’s amazing how feelings drive our behaviors—whether we’re aware of
those feelings or not.
The thing to do here is to get in sync with another person body language–wise,
and then instead of talking, ask questions and listen. This is huge. Experts say,
“Be interested, not interesting.” So how do you make the other person feel felt?
Simple: you relax, back off, and allow your attention to rest on them.
What many of us do when we get together with another person, especially when
we’re nervous or keyed up, is to increase our intensity. We persuade, encourage,
argue, push, entertain, tell them a lot about ourselves, and that overburdens
people. What people really are good at is knowing how they’re doing.
So if you listen, ask questions, and reflect back, it’s an easier, softer, less
demanding way to engage with somebody. Rather than lead with “So tell me a
little bit about yourself,” think of it as a detective game where you want to learn
as much about them as you can without subjecting them to an interrogation.
What works well for me is to ask, “How’d you get into what you do?” And
usually, the person will tell me things that I find pretty informative, and that’s
only the beginning. I want to keep the conversation flowing, so I don’t say,
“Okay, thanks.” Instead, I say, “That’s interesting. What do you like best about
what you do?”
These are just a couple examples. You can ask, “What are you trying to
accomplish that’s important to you in your business or in your life?” You don’t
phrase it that way if you’re dealing with somebody with a different vocabulary.
You might say, “What’s most important to you?” “What do you like the most?”
or “What are your plans for the summer or the holiday?”
If they say, “I’m going camping with my family,” say, “That’s interesting. What
do you like most about that?”
The reason I ask this is that someone might say, “The thing I like most about
camping is the people you might meet,” or they may tell you, “What I like most
about camping is the food,” or “The thing I like most about it is the smells.”
Another person may explain that it’s the activities—it’s hiking, rafting, or it’s
seeing their kids when the damn television isn’t on. You’ll discover their
reasons, and this will give you more information about who these people are.
Then, when they’ve told you something, say, “Oh, that’s fascinating. Why is that
important to you?” It’s a little like a tennis volley—your goal is to keep the ball
in play, not hit a smash return or place the ball so far out of range that they
cannot easily make the next move.
In addition to asking good follow-up questions to demonstrate that you’re
listening, you want to reflect back. When someone feels that you heard and
understood them, they’ll let you know, and often they open the door to talking
with you longer or more deeply.
So, pursuing the example we’ve been playing with, you could reflect back by
saying, “So, the most important thing to you about going camping is that you
spend time with your family and you have better connection?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, what’s it like at home?”
“Well, you know, we hardly ever see each other. We rarely even sit down to
dinner together.”
“Oh, it must be really busy for you at home.”
And they might say, “Yeah, it is.”
“Do you work long hours? What’s your job? What do you do?”
Or, in response to it must be really busy for you, they say: “Well, I’ve got this
project and I’m really active in the local radio club, so we do rescue work.”
If you’re genuinely interested when you’re talking with someone, you’ll find as
you begin asking questions that they will be more disclosing. You’ll notice that
they begin leaning forward or toward you. We’ll explore nonverbal behaviors
more in the next chapter.
Basically, what we’re talking about now is how to make a good first impression,
which is very simple. To summarize, make sure that you’re okay and then look
at making the other person feel okay. A good first impression is 50 percent an
inside job of managing yourself so the other person feels safe, and then 50
percent of managing the conversation so the other person feels interesting and
appreciated.
I Get It: Questions That Show You Care How They Feel
In addition to asking questions that show you’re interested in them, you can ask
questions that let them know that you care how they feel. Again, instead of
giving them a lot of information, you get a lot of information.
If you hit a nerve or if they come up with something they feel strongly about,
you can attach emotion to it. You can say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what
you’re feeling, and I think it’s this. That thing really irritates you, is that correct?
And if it’s not, what are you feeling?” They will confirm what you said or share
more information. People are not always accustomed to someone caring about
how they feel, let alone talking about that. Yet we can explore these things in a
way where they feel safe and validated.
Your goal is to demonstrate that you care more about how they feel than about
making them feel any certain way.
The most important thing about NLP, and the reason I organized the book the
way I have, is to give us power over ourselves, and our automated, sometimes
unconscious patterns. As we gain this kind of inner influence and do the change
work on ourselves, we will become better company, which enables us to have
more enjoyable interactions and relationships.
Changing Lights: Warnings That Signal a Disconnect
I want to underscore two things we talked about earlier—attention-direction and
intensity—and how important it is to notice the response our efforts to engage
someone are getting. For example, my wife is a very energetic and outgoing
person. Early in our relationship, I noticed that when she was eager to tell a
story, she’d say, “And . . . and . . . so . . .” and pretty soon she’d lose her
audience. Because they didn’t get it or they were preoccupied, she pushed a little
harder to make her point. She hardly ever does this now, but she used to,
especially with her sons. Now, when she talks with them, she looks for warning
signals that they’re disengaging.
We call this “zooming out”; it’s a little like going into the third perceptual
position. And this is particularly useful when we get intense. When we’re
excited or feeling a bit desperate, we sometimes find ourselves trying to
encourage, trying to persuade, trying to assert. These intense behaviors push
people away. It’s that old foot-in-the-door salesman or telemarketer who
continues long after you politely said no. To avoid this, pay attention to how
someone is responding to you. When you notice someone’s lack of interest or a
change of being in sync, step back, stop talking, and let them lead.
I had an opportunity to do this at a family brunch just the other day in the Bay
Area. I was talking about NLP to the young husband of a cousin of my wife’s.
Because he’d asked me about it, I thought he was interested.
As soon as I began talking about this passion of mine, I saw him look away. That
was my cue, so I said, “Well, let’s leave this for another time when we’re not in
the middle of a family brunch. So tell me about your new car,” and he
immediately brightened up. I just dropped my topic. I just recognized and
respected his lack of interest at that time and moved into something else.
Boy, if years ago I’d known how marvelous this flexibility is, it would have
saved me so much hassle. But I know now. And when I look back and see
people in my life who were gracious and clever with other people, I realize, “Oh
yeah, somehow they knew this early on.”
More Choice Is Better:
How Being Versatile Helps You Connect
Earlier, you learned the NLP presupposition that the most flexible element in a
system has the most influence. As you change yourself, become more peaceful
inside your head . . . more intrigued by the changes you make . . . less subject to
involuntary emotions . . . and more flexible in how you communicate, the people
around you will change, too. You’ll find that the way they respond to the new
you is somehow different. So the easiest way to change our experience of other
people is to change ourselves.
As you do that and as you look at other people, you begin to realize, “Oh, if I’m
moving into this interaction and I’m concerned about how the other person
thinks about me, or I’m concerned about making my point, or I’m concerned
about being well liked, that’s going to be counterproductive.”
Sometimes when you make changes that you think everyone around you will be
thrilled about, you’re in for a surprise. For example, a forty-eight-year-old friend
of mine who was an IT guy had been overweight for years—and so had his
sister. Somehow he got into running and eventually even did a marathon. He told
me that the thinner he became, the more it upset his sister. He said, “I think she
takes it as a criticism, when I just want to feel better. I just want to be able to
take care of my family and not be a burden.” He was clear that this was more
important than his sister’s being a bit upset, jealous, or scared that she was now
alone in her problem. Remember, you, too, may experience this kind of ripple
effect.
The most important thing that I can do is to approach another person with a
sense of curiosity, expectation, optimism, and interest. “There’s going to be
something fascinating about this other individual—I wonder what that will be.
Because everyone is unique and knows something special, I’m going to learn
something by talking with them. And I don’t know what that is. This is going to
be cool!”
As you may recall from discussions in Section 1, our expectations shape our
experience, right? When you have that sort of curious and positive expectation,
you can become sort of magnetic. Just think about it in your own life. People
like that seem to magically draw others to them, don’t they?
As you well know, some people are easier to talk with than others. You may call
these folks difficult, moody, closed, or prickly; how you refer to them doesn’t
matter. What does matter is what you do with the feelings you have about them,
or about interacting with them.
A Case in Point: The Importance of Versatility in Difficult
Situations
Here’s a story that illustrates how the wheels can come off in a conversation,
maybe even kind of derail a relationship, and what you can do about it. When I
asked my client, Terry, a thirty-six-year-old accountant, to give me an example
of people with whom she has a difficult time communicating, she said, “It’s hard
for me to communicate with people who are accusatory in what they say or how
they say it.”
When I asked for a “for instance,” she told me her son said, “You left the lights
on!” Now, this was specific, but I didn’t immediately understand why she felt it
was accusatory. Frustrated with me, she said, “He was just being passiveaggressive. It’s not because the light was on, it’s because he was already angry
about something.” She went on to explain that when her son bought a new house
and showed it to her with pride, she simply said, “It’s really nice.” She didn’t
respond with a lot of enthusiasm, “This is gorgeous! This is beautiful! This is
blah, blah, blah.”
When I asked if she thought he was disappointed because he’d hoped she would
have been more impressed, she said, “Well, if he was, he should have told me
that instead of being accusatory all the time.” So that’s when their relationship
started to derail—and they became sort of locked in this new dance. To help
shift their pattern of communicating, I thought it might be useful for Terry to
learn how to cool someone off when emotions are running high.
Here’s the short version of what I recommended. I invited Terry to consider that
her son’s feelings were hurt because she hadn’t been enthusiastic enough; then
he displaced these feelings and acted out in another way. Most of us do that at
one time or another.
Next, I asked her to imagine her son in that moment again, when he was first
showing her the new house and she said, “It’s really nice,” and to notice what
emotion he seemed to be feeling. She said it was sadness, sadness that she
wasn’t impressed.
Here was a fork in the road. I said, “So if you noticed he was sad, then you could
have said, ‘I get a feeling that you’re sad, sad that I didn’t make the right
compliment. Is that true?’ ” She explained that she didn’t recognize this in the
moment; that, in fact, it wasn’t until a year later that she put all the pieces
together. Even so, we were talking now about how she could handle him. We
discussed that it’s not about how she felt or feels at this point in time; it’s about
addressing the other person’s feelings so they feel like you want to understand
and connect with them.
Asking Questions That Show You Care How They Feel
The thing to do when somebody is emotional is to attach an emotion. I’ve tried
this and it works like magic. You might say, “I’ve got the feeling that you’re
angry. Is that true? Or upset. Is that true?” If they say, “No, I’m not,” then I say,
“I’m sorry. If it’s not that, what are you feeling?” and I get back whatever the
person chooses to tell me.
The next thing I want to do is to understand how big this is for them. So I
usually say something like “I see. How upset are you?” or “I see, and you’re
upset because . . .” At this point, it’s important to give them all the time they
need to vent, because you’re asking these questions so the person can express
their feelings, not so you can gather information.
Again, this goes back to the sense that many of us feel undervalidated. Since I
started studying this, I’m amazed at how often I find this to be true. I’m
astonished. It not only works with my consulting clients, but it apparently also
works in serious situations because I read this in a hostage negotiation
handbook. It was amazing that the most successful negotiators are the ones who
instead of reading the mind of another person, they just go far enough to try to
guess at what the other person’s emotion is and then they feed that back. The
goal here is to allow the other person to know that you know what they are
feeling.
So the question is “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think
you’re feeling sad. Is that on target? If it’s not that, what are you feeling?”
Terry and I played out several scenarios of how things might unfold if she asked
her son this question. And how she might need to explore his response to make
sure she really understood it. To do this, we role-played: “So how pissed are
you, or how sad are you?” And then, after giving her son all the time needed to
form a response, we role-played “And the reason you’re so pissed is because . . .
?”
At this point in our little psychodrama, Terry realized she didn’t know how he
would respond to this open-ended question. He might say, “I’m pissed because
you blew me off” . . . or “because you were inconsiderate” . . . or “because you
never liked my wife” . . . or “because you never approve of anything I do.” Terry
came to understand that it didn’t matter what her son actually says. That specific
thing is not that important. What’s important is the exchange itself.
None of this is problem solving! All of this is simply allowing people to say
what’s true for them. Let’s quickly review the approach that Terry and I worked
through. Up to this point, we’ve asked four things. (1) We’ve asked the other
person to attach an emotion. (2) We’ve asked what the emotion was. (3) We’ve
asked how emotional they are. And (4) we’ve asked the reason why they’re so
emotional.
We’ve allowed them to say whatever they want to say, and we have not argued
at all.
Exploring Next Steps
The fifth question is “What needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” The
important part here is that you’re allowing the person to go inside themselves
and find out what needs to change.
When we discussed the possibility of Terry asking her son this, we explored how
she might hear “Well, I need you to apologize,” or “I need you to leave
immediately,” or “I want you to like my wife,” or whatever it happens to be.
When most people have a complaint, you’ll notice that they want someone else
or circumstance to change. It’s often something external. So just accept that and
never argue.
Once you know what the upset person wants, you can ask two more questions.
First, “What part can I play in making that happen?” After you hear what they
want you to do, then you say, “And what part can you play in making that
happen?”
Here’s what’s true. When we can play a part in creating the change someone
wants, they can probably play a part, too. Once the other person feels heard and
felt, we’ve moved into a constructive dialogue.
Terry agreed to try this approach and she later told me that, even though it was
uncomfortable for her, it did jump-start communication with her son. They had a
real dialogue and her son knew that she really did care how he felt, which was
the first step to healing things between them.
No Spin: Just Positive Intent and Authentic Inquiry
As you imagine doing this with people in your life, this approach may seem
pretty radical. People talk about winning people over with razzle-dazzle, dress
for success, and persuasive positioning. I’ve come to understand that what really
works in communication is relaxing with the other person, being nice to them,
and keeping the focus on them.
Here’s why this works. Most people are really doing the best they can. Again,
that’s not Pollyanna thinking, that’s just reality. And if you want to be efficient
and effective in navigating bumps in communication and relationships, you have
to be authentic. You have to give other people the credit for their humanity.
You’ll find that the magical part of deciding to get along with somebody else is
when you change yourself—all of a sudden you get along better with them and
with other people, too. That’s the marvelous part of this. It’s easy. We don’t
have to do anything to anybody else. We make a little alteration in the way we
think and the way we manage our feelings and it’s like magic. Abracadabra, we
easily get along better with people.
It was surprising, and a little bit embarrassing, when a dear friend told me how
much I had changed during the course of my NLP training. To be honest, I
thought I was a pretty nice guy beforehand. I mean I had friends, I was
successful in ways that were important to me at the time, but I was told by a
number of people who knew me earlier that since I began studying NLP, I
became more approachable and easier to be around.
I wasn’t really sure what approachable meant, since I’m not outside myself. But
when I step into third position and just observe myself, I see this big guy with a
deep voice, who talks fast, moves fast, and takes initiative to make a lot happen.
That could be kind of off-putting. I can see that. If I were a person who’s gentler,
more thoughtful, more deliberate, somebody like me could seem pretty damn
abrasive.
I never realized that. I thought I was just being an action-oriented guy, making a
difference, getting things done. I thought I was being a brave soldier, so it was
really astonishing for me to realize that for some people that act was a little hard
to take. That’s why I say the good news here is that the biggest part of getting
along well with others is an inside job.
If you’re loaded with stereotypes and if you think you know too much about
what other people are really like, you’re likely to get into trouble. You’re not
going to actually hear the person, and they’re going to know it. If you’re too
preoccupied with meeting your own needs, with getting feedback from someone
that says you are a great person, if you need to be interesting more than you want
to be interested in others, then you’re going to put people off.
Here’s what you should be asking yourself: “How can I interact with another
person? What can I learn from them?”
The impact this shift could have reminds me of the nineteenth-century story
about Johnny Appleseed. It’s an American myth about a guy who wandered
across the country casting apple seeds onto the ground and leaving beautiful
apple trees wherever he wandered.
It’s kind of a sweet thing to think about. Wouldn’t it be nice if, like Johnny
Appleseed, we could scatter curiosity . . . optimism . . . self-approval . . . hope
. . . and acceptance wherever we passed? By actually recognizing people, really
interacting with them, being interested in them, and complimenting them, you
can. It’s amazing how much you can sincerely change the way people feel about
themselves.
You can begin to play with this right away, and see for yourself how magical it
is. You have everything you need to practice. First, you have your own brain to
fine-tune, and you can do that whenever you decide to sit down and go inside
and see what’s going on. And you have other people. You can experiment with
them endlessly. You’ve been doing it all your life anyway. Now you can do it a
little more deliberately.
The Bird’s-Eye View: A High-Level Summary
The three steps we’ve been talking about are, of course, sequential. First, we
need to help the other person feel safe by managing our own state and behaviors.
Once that need is satisfied, we can ask questions to demonstrate our curiosity
and communicate that we think they’re interesting. And once they feel good
about the interaction and themselves, they need to feel felt—that you “get” how
they’re feeling. This way, they can be free to express their feelings.
And remember, if you end up in emotional territory: name the emotion, confirm
your impression, and sympathize with it. Whenever you try something on from
the other person’s point of view, you can relate to it better. There are places in
here where you might say something like “You know, I’d be upset, too.” Then
you gauge the extent of the emotion and give a lot of time for them to respond so
they get everything out. Saying, “The reason you’re so upset is because . . .”
gives them more time to vent.
After they’ve completely expressed themselves, then you invite them to tell you
what they need to move forward. You could say, “Tell me, what needs to happen
for that feeling to subside, for you to feel better?”
Let me share a story from the other day; this interaction illustrates the
approaches we’ve been talking about. Here’s what happened.
I went to the grocery store and another person was parked pretty close to me. I
opened my door and it clicked against their vehicle and I thought, “Oh, I hope I
didn’t hit the paint,” and then I saw that my door was hitting their hubcap so I
didn’t worry about it. I turned around to do something and I hit it again.
It was a large truck next to me, so I got out, walked toward the back of the car,
and this young woman came out of her truck and she was pissed. She said, “Sir,
you hit my car twice with your door!”
Instead of saying, “I did not. I hit your hubcap! Relax, take a chill,” I just said, “I
didn’t know you were sitting in the car, but I understand what that must have
sounded like to you, and that would really make me angry, too. I’m really sorry I
did that, but if you come around here I’ll show you that there was no damage at
all because my door was hitting your hubcap.”
She came around and saw it and said, “Well, you hit it twice,” and I said, “I
know. I’m really sorry. I turned in my car to do something and I just bumped the
door again. I can understand how that would sound to you sitting in your truck.
That would seem pretty thoughtless.”
As soon as I said, “That would seem pretty thoughtless,” because that’s how I
would have felt if somebody had banged my car twice, she felt completely
validated. She said, “Oh, okay then,” and that was it. It wasn’t like we
exchanged phone numbers and invited each other to lunch or anything, but it
cooled her off.
The message here is to allow the other person to really understand that you get
how that feels, and if somebody had done that to you, you’d have the same
feelings they do. It’s simple, but critical because that validates their feelings.
And even though it’s simple, many of us habitually react in a more defensive
way, but real understanding builds bridges, rather than creates separate turfs.
Remember, the action sequence is a little like the emergency instructions on a
plane. Make sure you’ve got your own oxygen mask on before you try to help
the person next to you with theirs. So you’ve got to consider what you are
thinking. Your experiences, beliefs, values, and boundaries are driving you all
the time. You use these to help you function, and to achieve your goals. But your
map of the world and your needs are only part of the picture, right?
We live in a world of other humans, and if you want to be really successful with
other people, go meet them in the world they live in.
This approach shouldn’t create a conflict of values, unless the relationship
requires that you betray yourself in some way. In that case, you need to make a
judgment call. But most relationships aren’t that threatening, are they? They
don’t require that you betray yourself. They just require that we be more flexible
in what we can accept from others.
So I find myself thinking, “Well, okay, if I’m going to get along with so-and-so,
I don’t have to be a hypocrite and pretend to be interested in NASCAR racing or
mixed martial arts or something I’m not; but I can be interested in their interest
in it. I can be interested in understanding that this individual has a passion.”
The important thing to me is not the being able to accept someone else’s values;
it’s being able to accept the other person, period. Now, if they value cruelty or
bigotry or something that violates my deeply held values, then we’re probably
not going to be buddies, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be courteous or even
compassionate when I’m with them.
Try to keep in mind that someone’s offensive values or behaviors often stem
from unhappiness, or some pain from their early life. When I presuppose that
every behavior comes from a positive intention, I can say to myself, “That
person’s anger or meanness is an attempt to recover from something.” It doesn’t
mean I’m compelled to condone how they behave, or that I want to be around
them a lot. I can just accept them.
And, because I have flexibility and personal resources, I often think about how I
could give them an alternative way to be relieved. I don’t usually act on that
unless somebody hires me as a coach or consultant. And occasionally I get an
opportunity to interrupt something negative that’s going on, and perhaps keep it
from escalating. Sometimes, in passing, you can just sort of squirt a little oil into
an interaction and maybe lubricate it a little bit with an offhand comment, but
it’s preceded by respect and understanding. Like Johnny Appleseed, you can
have an impact as you move through the world. Learning more about others will
help you to create an even more positive ripple effect.
In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to go beyond “mind reading” other people
so you can get a better sense of their world and how to connect with them.
Key Ideas
• We all process experience in a similar way, yet because our
experiences are different, we create different inner worlds, different
“maps” of how the world works.
• As we drop our automatic filters and preconceived notions about
others, we can become a clear receiver, which allows us to really
experience their reality.
• Being the way each of us is is a choice. We can always choose to
rewire ourselves—strengthening a quality we already have—or
borrowing (“Modeling”) one from someone who has a quality we
admire. And, if we don’t like a change we made, we can change it
again to make it better.
• Getting feedback from other people about what they’d like us to keep
doing, stop doing, and start doing offers us helpful insights that may
enable us to improve our interactions and relationships.
• The different parts of the brain have different jobs. The instinctive
“fight-or-flight” part is triggered first (along with lots of chemistry)—
before the part that thinks things over.
• Because many people don’t feel “seen” and “validated,” these feelings
can affect their interactions.
• Shifting between the three perceptual positions, as appropriate, can
increase one’s effectiveness. It’s best practice to operate from first
position so we know what we see and feel. Then we can briefly visit
second position to try on something from someone else’s point of
view, or go to third position to get more complete and objective
information.
• Because the brain generalizes, our initial impressions are gathered in a
process called GGNEE. We immediately notice someone’s gender,
generation (age), nationality (ethnicity), educational (socioeconomic)
level, and then we imagine what emotions they’re having.
• People who are masterful at connecting with others manage their inner
state and focus on the other person so they don’t bring any personal
uneasiness into their interaction.
• Making someone else feel safe, interesting, and “felt” are critical steps
to being good company.
• Making someone feel safe, interesting, and “felt” can be accomplished
by asking questions about what someone does or likes to do, why
that’s important to them, and potentially confirming any emotions that
came up for them.
• Paying attention to how the other person is responding to our efforts to
engage enables us to “zoom out” (visit third position) and access if
we’re out of sync and make adjustments, especially when we have
intense feelings.
• To get in rapport, people subtly mirror the person they’re interacting
with, sometimes matching their body language, rate of speech, or
breathing (among other things), while being careful not to mimic the
other person.
• Honoring personal space requirements and making meaningful (but not
invasive) eye contact can help us make someone feel safe, yet “seen.”
• Being focused on the other person and being versatile in how we
communicate gives us more options about how to respond, especially
in difficult situations.
• Cooling someone off can actually be easy. Taking the following five
steps can defuse the emotional charge in a situation and make it
possible to restore harmony.
1. Confirm an emotion. “I’ve got this feeling that you’re X (angry or
upset or sad). Is that true?”
2. Gauge how big this is for them, and allow them to vent, to get it
all out. “How upset are you?” or “The reason you’re so upset is
because . . .”
3. Determine what they need to move forward, allowing them to go
inside and find out what they want. “What needs to happen for
that feeling to be better?”
4. Identify what they’d like you to do. “What part can I play in
making that happen?”
5. Explore what steps they need to take to feel better. “What part can
you play in making that happen?”
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/5-
1 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER SIX: MORE THAN “MIND READING” OTHER PEOPLE
What’s going on inside them for that to be true?
The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place.
—George Bernard Shaw
Communication challenges happen all the time, don’t they? Sometimes we’re
careless about our choice of words. Occasionally someone is overly sensitive to
something we said, how we said it, when we said it, or that we didn’t say
something they think we should have said—or done. It’s easy to miss subtle
clues that, had we been paying closer attention, would have alerted us to how
another person was thinking or feeling.
In NLP, we say that communication is redundant because people are
simultaneously communicating in all three systems—visual, auditory,
kinesthetic. That’s good news and bad, isn’t it? When someone is congruent, we
get one message through all three channels. When they’re not, we get all kinds
of mixed signals.
In this chapter, you’ll explore how to “mind read” other people by noticing their
nonverbal behaviors and the language they use that reveals their inner worlds.
You’ll discover additional ways to get in sync with someone and build rapport
once your observations have given you insight into how they’re thinking or
feeling. In the next chapter, you’ll learn secrets of deepening rapport and making
your point.
A $500,000 Example:
Communication in All Three Channels
When I ran a manufacturing firm in Silicon Valley, I had a potential client that
was a biotech company located in Florida. I’d been on the phone a couple times
with the president of that company—and we didn’t get anywhere. I didn’t like
him. Frankly, I thought he was just trying to hustle me.
He began the conversation by asking for discounts instead of asking about the
equipment. He was rushed and didn’t have the time to listen to what I had to say.
I felt he didn’t care about the science of our equipment. I thought he was a jerk.
Even though the company was a perfect prospect for us, my marketing team had
never been able to get an appointment in this company. That’s why they kept
trying to draft me to approach the client again. Because of how I felt about this
guy, I said, “I don’t think this is going to happen; let the sales representatives
call on this account. When the powers that be finally find out they need the best
equipment in the world, maybe they’ll contact us.”
About a year and a half later, I was in Boston at a biotech conference with my
marketing VP, Susan. This event had a lot of workshop breakouts—each one
addressing different aspects of our industry.
After one of these breakouts, we were walking down to the lobby, where many
of the participants gathered between sessions, Susan kind of nudged me and said,
“Hey, that’s that guy from Florida.” When I saw him, I thought, “Oh damn, I’ve
got to say something to him. I can’t back away. I’m the CEO. I can’t just pretend
I don’t see him.”
As I was walking over to introduce myself, I noticed the guy was built like a
football player. He was wearing an open-necked striped shirt with a sport coat. It
was evening and after dark in Boston, but his sunglasses were up on his
forehead. He had a gold chain around his throat, a good suntan, good slacks,
good shoes, and he was sprawled out in his chair. It was clear to me this guy was
obviously really comfortable where he’s at.
He was a dominant, physical guy, but as I said, I’m six foot three and sizable
myself, so I leaned down and put out my hand—I really kind of stuck it in his
face. I interrupted the conversation he was having so he had to look up at me.
When he did, I had this big smile on my face and said, “Hi, I’m Tom Hoobyar.
We spoke on the phone a couple of years ago. I’m the head of ASEPCO.”
He looked at me and took my hand and shook it. As he shook it, we had a good
handshake—and all the while I was smiling. I had absolutely no sense of
embarrassment or detachment from it. Then he said, “You know, my science
people have been telling me that I ought to talk to you,” and I said, “Yeah, that’s
what my marketing people said.”
He said, “Have a seat and we’ll talk,” and I said, “Okay, if you buy me a beer.”
He laughed and said, “Okay, and you buy the next one,” and I said, “I will.”
In very few words, what I had done was to match him. Once I saw that he was
such a physical guy—the kind of guy who likes to slap you on the back—I was
able to match his body language and his kind of abruptness. I couldn’t tell any of
that on the phone, but in person, I could tell that’s the kind of guy he was.
He saw me—and it helped that I was the right size, his size. That was a match.
The way I grabbed his hand, the way I stuck it in his face and introduced myself
with no embarrassment, and then in maybe two sentences—that was also a
matching. It turned out he was from New York, so I also matched his speech,
which was more accelerated, a little more clipped: “You’ve got to buy me a beer
first.”
I didn’t just sit down in the chair opposite him—I plopped down. When I did,
my marketing VP, who was a very classy lady and was still standing, rolled her
eyes because she knew I was doing a bit of an act. Then I just told her, “Here,
pull up a chair.” So she pulled up a seat and I introduced her in case she could
fill in any details that I lacked—or needed to run with the ball after this meeting.
He and I talked about Florida and about California and how his weather was
more humid, and we ended up talking about gardens. I had a little garden in my
backyard, he had a garden in his backyard, and we talked about how refreshing it
was for each of us to get into the garden and get our hands dirty after a day’s
stress of running a company.
Before we were done talking, we were leaning toward each other. Not just
because it was a crowded hotel bar, but because we were in rapport. Near the
end of the conversation, we’d arranged for my engineering people to talk to his
engineering people and really get the details of what they needed so they could
work something out.
As we parted, I said, “I’ve had my fill of beer. I’ve really got to go eat some
dinner,” and he said, “I’ve already eaten, but I’m really glad you stopped by.”
He said, “I thought you were some kind of geek. I just didn’t know that we’d get
along so well.”
I said, “Yeah, it was my fault. I didn’t handle that phone conversation well at all,
but I’m really glad that we had a couple of drinks together and got to talk.”
We walked away, and because of that encounter our companies did about a halfmillion dollars of business together. So what’s the lesson there? It’s that you can
gain a lot of insight and traction in relationships when you pay attention to more
than just what a person is saying. We want to consider their nonverbal behaviors
and the deeper structure of their language.
In this example, my soon-to-be client gave me all kinds of clues to how he was
feeling in the moment. People around us are doing this all the time. When we’re
able to notice posture, body position, use of personal space, facial expressions,
eye contact, and so forth, we get a tremendous amount of information—and this
is before we consider what they said and how they said it!
Keep in mind that nonverbal communication carries a lot of weight. Researcher
Albert Mehrabian of the University of California, Los Angeles, discovered that
55 percent of the emotional content of communication is based on what someone
sees. Thirty-eight percent is based on what they hear in terms of how something
was said. And only 7 percent of the emotional content is based on the actual
words. That means that over half the impact that we have on each other when
we’re communicating is visual.
Powerful Telegraphing:
What Your Nonverbals Communicate
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what
you say.” Because this is true, we want to remember to pay attention to our own
nonverbal behavior first.
Much of our nonverbal behavior is driven by the limbic system—which is the
primitive brain. Because these behaviors are completely automatic and
unconscious, they’re a pretty accurate reflection of a person’s inner state. This is
good news for you because you’ve already been learning how to notice and
manage your own inner state. You recognize that when you’re not anxious,
distracted, or incongruent in some way, your body language sends a message
that you’re safe and approachable.
Our nonverbal cues are a bit like magnets. They can repel people. “Wow, that
guy is angry—or he thinks he’s pretty important—I think I’ll steer clear of him.”
They can also attract people. Nonverbals can signal that you are open to
someone—that you like them—and they have a feeling that you like them if they
have a feeling that you are like them. This goes a long way toward helping us
make a connection with someone.
Traffic Signals:
How Other People’s Nonverbals Provide Direction
Nonverbal behavior is so interesting and compelling that many books have been
written about it and you can find some excellent information about it on the
Internet if you want to delve into the details and nuances of this subject.
We’re going to focus more on what nonverbals you might notice than on what
meaning may be behind those behaviors. Here I’d like to give you a quick
overview of what you may want to notice so you can build on your observations
to more effectively create rapport.
A NOT-SO-OPEN BOOK: NONVERBAL COMMUNICATIONS TO CONSIDER
Nonverbal communications may stem from a current inner state or from habit.
Here’s a quick summary of nonverbals you might look for.
Personal Space
As you know from Chapter 5, an individual’s personal space requirements vary
from person to person. Someone’s tolerance of another’s proximity is influenced
by culture, size, gender, and often age. In America, most of us are comfortable
with at least three feet of separation—but not more than five. If you use this as a
general rule, you’ll be in good shape.
Personal space also includes how much of their allotted space someone uses. For
example, when they’re seated, do they fully stretch out their legs in front of
them? Do they also put both hands behind their neck with their elbows pointing
out? Use of personal space can also be shaped by culture. When I was working
in Japan, for example, I decided to make my gestures smaller and take up less
space when I was moving around and even sitting (which wasn’t so easy since
I’m six foot three).
Body Position
Even though body position is about how you are in relationship to someone else,
it’s not just about distance. Are you face-to-face with someone? At an angle? Is
one of you sitting and one of you standing? Is there a big disparity in height?
Body position factors may influence your ability to easily match someone.
Posture
In this context, posture is about more than whether someone is standing up
straight. It’s more about whether their posture is open or closed—and mostly if
their heart and chest area is open and uncovered.
Gestures
Gestures are most often made with the hands and have culturally accepted
meanings. A thumbs-up gesture says, “Great job” or “I agree.” Knocking on
wood means, “Let’s hope.” A wave means, “Hi, there” or “See ya later.” A
shoulder shrug says, “It doesn’t matter either way.” Wagging one’s finger at
someone means “Stop that” or “Shame on you.” We even have a gesture to say,
“Call me.” Similarly, if someone is nodding their head up and down, it usually
means agreement. If they are shaking it side to side, it usually means
disagreement or disbelief.
Touch
Gently touching a person’s hand is very different from roughly poking them in
the chest. Supportive touch induces the release of oxytocin in the recipient’s
brain. The effect of touch is so powerful that it’s a frequent subject of research.
As I mentioned earlier, studies show that waitresses who touch their customers
get higher tips. Petition gatherers who touch people they talk to get more
signatures. Teachers who pat a student on the back find that these pupils are
more likely to participate in class.
Touching among groups and teams is powerful, too. Two psychologists from the
University of California, Berkeley, recently analyzed ninety televised hours of
professional basketball, exploring the power of touch. After looking at every
team and every player in the league, they identified fifteen different kinds of
touching—including high-fives and flying shoulder bumps—and determined that
the teams that touch the most win the most!
Eye Movement
It feels completely different when someone is batting their eyes than when
they’re glaring at you, doesn’t it? It’s also different if they’re staring off into
space or staring at you! Whether it’s appropriate to look directly at someone—
and for how long—is often shaped by culture. In Chapter 5, we talked about “the
gaze,” how making eye contact and holding that gaze a little longer (but not too
long) helps someone feel seen. If you have a teenager, you’re probably quite
familiar with eye rolling, followed shortly by “Whatever!”
In NLP, we also think about how and where the eyes are moving and what this
tells us about the way someone is accessing information. For example, when the
brain is recalling something that’s already happened, most people’s eyes look up
and to the left (which is the observer’s right). In contrast, someone imagining an
experience like an upcoming vacation would most likely look up and to the right
(the observer’s left). Ah, but I digress.
Facial Expressions
Happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, and surprise are easily recognized emotions
because facial expressions are very universal. A genuine smile shows on the
whole face, doesn’t it? Not only do the lips curve up, but the person’s eyes get
brighter, too. A person who’s startled will most likely raise their eyebrows, their
eyes will widen, and their mouth will open. If they’re confused, their brows may
furrow and their lips tighten.
Physiological Response
Blushing, blanching, the flaring of nostrils, the eyes tearing up, and the
trembling of someone’s chin are all examples of physiological responses.
Changes in breathing are, too. I often notice when someone has begun to hold
their breath; because if I’m in rapport with them, I find I’m unconsciously
holding my breath, too!
Locomotion and Pace
Locomotion refers to the style of physical moment. Shuffling or tottering along
is very different from rushing or moving quickly. Pace also describes the way
someone moves. Is it jerky or graceful? Easy or deliberate? Gradual or sudden?
“Paralanguage”
As you may recall, Mehrabian’s research said that 38 percent of a message’s
emotional content comes from how it was said—or, more accurate, how it was
perceived to have been said. This auditory component of nonverbal
communication is called paralanguage. Separate from the words themselves,
these are audible cues that may telegraph information about someone’s inner
state and feelings. Volume, inflection, speed, intensity, tone, rhythm, pitch—a
change in any of these aspects can significantly alter the way the message is
delivered, and received. Sarcasm is an excellent example of tone that has an
impact; it may be funny or it may be hurtful.
According to communication experts, other examples of paralanguage include
laughing, pausing or hesitating, talking too much, interrupting, or talking over
someone. And we all know that silence can speak volumes—because it can feel
companionable or tense.
Again, we want to focus on what we can objectively observe about nonverbal
behavior, not assign meanings that may only apply to a generality rather than a
specific person or context. As you can see, there is a real range and richness to
nonverbal communication. Our quick overview will heighten your awareness of
signals you already knew about—and hopefully make you even more curious
about what you see and hear.
Discovery Activity:
Recalling Nonverbals of a Positive Experience
Right now, you might be focusing on other people’s nonverbal behaviors—but
that’s only half the picture, isn’t it? There are always at least two variables in a
communication equation—the other person and you.
With this in mind, it helps to be aware of the nonverbal cues you often use. They
can provide you with insight into how you’re feeling—and into the impact these
are having on your communication. Let’s take stock for a moment. Make a
mental movie of the last enjoyable interaction you had—and watch it objectively
from the outside, from third position. As you watch yourself, notice what you
looked and sounded like.
Were you standing or sitting close to the other person? How comfortable did that
feel?
Were you facing them, standing behind them, or sitting side by side at a bit of an
angle? Were these body positions determined by the environment—or did you
influence how you were physically in relationship to one another?
Was your posture open or closed—so that your heart was exposed? If not, what
were you doing to cover up your heart? How open were the positions of your
feet/legs and arms/hands? What specifically do you notice?
Because this is a memory of an enjoyable interaction, there may have been ways
that you and your companion were mirroring each other’s body language. What
synchronicities do you see now?
Did you use touch to connect with the other person? What did you do—and how
did that feel?
What gestures and facial expressions did you use? How did these reflect
whatever you were feeling?
Think about your eye contact with this person. How would you describe it? Can
you recall the color of their eyes?
And what about your paralanguage? Was your dialogue fairly synchronistic in
terms of tone, volume, and speed? If not, how were you out of sync with your
companion?
Now that you’ve revisited that experience, take a moment to capture what you
learned. Make note of what worked well in this interaction—and if you notice
something that could have been even better, make a note of that, too.
Review this list of discoveries and consider if these nonverbal behaviors are
typical for you when you’re with this specific person. Are these cues typical
whenever you’re enjoying yourself?
Stand outside yourself and reflect on these nonverbal cues that may have
contributed to your companion feeling safe, interesting, and “felt.”
As a closing step to this activity, you might refer to the lists you made in Chapter
5 about what makes you a good companion. Look for similarities between that
list—and this mental movie. Give yourself some positive acknowledgment for
behaviors you’d like to do more often—or even more effectively.
Of course, not all interactions are pleasant and when they’re not, the nonverbals
are likely to be very different. To explore these contrasts, complete the next
exercise.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying Nonverbals from an Uncomfortable Situation
Think about a recent interaction where you felt uncomfortable. Don’t pick
something big or traumatic—just choose an experience where you didn’t feel
like your best self. Perhaps there was a situation at work or with your family that
didn’t feel good. What was that exchange?
Make a mental movie of that interaction—and watch it from third position. As
you watch yourself, notice what you looked and sounded like.
Were you standing or sitting close to the other person? How comfortable did that
feel?
Were you facing them, standing behind them, or sitting side by side at a bit of an
angle? Were these body positions determined by the environment—or did you
influence how you were physically in relationship to one another?
Was your posture open or closed—so that your heart was exposed? If not, what
were you doing to cover up your heart? How open were the positions of your
feet/legs and arms/hands? What specifically do you notice?
Because this interaction was a little uncomfortable, there may have been ways
that your body language mismatched your companion’s. What differences do
you see now?
Did you use touch to connect with the other person? What did you do—and how
did that feel?
What gestures and facial expressions did you use? How did these reflect how
you were feeling?
Think about your eye contact with this person. How would you describe it? Can
you recall the color of their eyes? Did you notice yourself looking away or
down?
And what about your paralanguage? Did it match your companion’s in terms of
tone, volume, and speed? If not, how were you out of sync with your
companion?
Now that you’ve revisited that experience, take a moment to capture what you
learned. Make note of what worked well in this interaction—and what could
have been better.
Review this list of discoveries and consider if these nonverbal behaviors are
typical for you when you’re with this specific person. Are these cues typical
whenever you’re feeling uncomfortable?
If you could stand outside yourself, how do you think your nonverbal cues
supported or inhibited your ability to make your companion feel safe,
interesting, and “felt”?
As a closing step to this reflection, refer to the lists you made in Chapter 5 about
what makes a good companion. You might even consider the behaviors that
trusted friends asked you to stop doing—or start doing. Look for opportunities to
improve how you’re interacting with others. Pick one behavior you’d like to
change and practice doing a preferred behavior the next few times you find
yourself feeling uncomfortable.
In Another’s Shoes: The View from Their World
Because you already know what you were thinking and feeling in these two
recollections, you don’t have to imagine what’s involved—you know. Now
suppose for a moment, that when interacting with someone else, you noticed
some of the nonverbal behaviors that you exhibited in the uncomfortable
situation you just revisited. If so, you might suspect that that person feels like
you felt. Would that conclusion be on target? Maybe. If you have a strong
second position, you may really be in tune with the other person and be able to
understand them with a useful degree of accuracy.
Here’s what I’d recommend you do when you notice what feels like
uncomfortable nonverbal behavior. First, check in with yourself. Are you feeling
comfortable? Second, step into third position and objectively observe what
signals you’ve been sending.
If, after these reflections, you determine that the discomfort isn’t yours, avoid
matching a behavior that feels intense. For example, mirroring someone’s
scowling expression or an aggressive stance might match them, but it might also
contribute to escalating the negative feelings. (“Oh yeah, well take that!”)
However, it might be beneficial to lean away a little if the other person is leaning
away or to match their breathing.
Although matching often happens naturally, it’s a little bit of an art, too. So let’s
explore intentional matching a little further.
Just Like That? How Matching Nonverbals Creates Rapport
People have a language of their physical movement. As I said, postures and
gestures are habitual with most people, and it’s like a dance. So interacting with
them is like dancing with them.
Now, I’m not talking about a conversation with a waiter or a toll-taker at a
tollbooth where you don’t have time. In those situations, your nonverbals are
limited to eye contact (“the gaze”), facial expressions, and paralanguage. But if
you’re really interacting with someone—having a conversation with them,
interviewing them, making a sales pitch, or participating in a business meeting—
you can begin synchronizing with them. This is an irresistible subliminal
message to them that you like them and you are like them.
So here’s what you do. Set your intent to notice the nonverbal behaviors we just
reviewed. Notice someone’s gestures. Notice their posture. Notice their overall
body movement—their head tilts and their nods, their facial expressions, and
their breathing—and gradually begin to match those. You want to be careful not
to mimic them—so don’t imitate them so obviously that they catch you doing it.
You’ll be amazed at how easy it is to just match their posture. Their legs are
crossed? Then cross yours. Their hands are on the arms of their chair? So are
yours. One hand is on a knee, the other hand is on the table? So are yours.
I do this when I’m coaching people and it just deepens our rapport. It’s never
viewed as disrespectful or artificial at all—and here’s why it’s not. This is a
language we all know. You probably won’t remember learning it because it
won’t be in the foreground of your memory. But this kind of unconscious
conversation is happening all around us—all the time.
Restaurants are a great place to see this in action. When people are getting along
well they’re leaning toward each other, they’re staring into each other’s eyes,
and their mouths are slightly open and smiling. They’re nodding, their heads are
tilted, and they may even be reaching toward each other. Their feet may be in
contact under the table if they’re a romantic couple. They’ll be facing each other
open, heart to open heart, and they will be matching each other’s gestures. Their
body postures will be similar.
You can even observe this natural, unconscious communication in groups. You
can look at people sitting in an audience and see subtle behaviors that telegraph
someone’s attitude or inner state. As you look across the rows—and I’ve seen
this in training classes—you’ll see a bunch of legs all crossed in the same
direction. Then you’ll see somebody with their legs crossed the other way or legs
apart. We have told ourselves that this difference is probably just a matter of
comfort, habit, or space limitations. But here’s something to consider: those
things may not true. Most nonverbal behavior is run by the primitive brain,
which says, “I like this person. I want to be like this person because I want to
communicate,” so we synchronize. The person who is mismatching the group is
probably out of sync—or may be distracted and not really present.
Here’s what I’m suggesting—just get ahead of the curve. Simply match
someone’s body or paralanguage (rate, rhythm, volume of speech, etc.) so it
signals your brain and the other person’s brain that you want to be in rapport. It
doesn’t really matter which came first—whether you become fascinated and then
you match their body language, or whether you match their body language and
then become fascinated. For many people, this is a relief—they find they can
more easily put someone at ease nonverbally than coming up with just the right
thing to say.
When you can influence your environment, it may also be helpful to consider
how the body position dynamics will play out. A friend of mine, who was
planning to sing at a party, brought not only his guitar and amplifier, but also a
tall stool. When I asked him why he bothered to bring his own seating rather
than just use the folding chair they’d set out for him, he said that he felt more
comfortable being eye to eye with people when they came up to talk with him or
make requests. As I watched him that night, I could see that he was absolutely
right—that being seated on a stool made him easier to approach and talk with.
Similarly, if you’re talking with a client, it can sometimes be helpful to be seated
at a forty-five-degree angle to one another—rather than having to present to
them across the barrier of a desk. This affords you the opportunity to be on the
same side and yet be in a physical position where you can easily see them and
notice their nonverbal behaviors. This side-by-side position is especially helpful
when you are discussing a problem. Put the problem opposite the two of you—
so it’s out there—something you’re addressing together.
Nonverbal behavior is all around us, isn’t it? It works with all of us, all the time.
Now, when you notice a behavior and decide to match it, you’re just doing
something with intention that you’ve been doing unconsciously for years.
The More the Merrier? How Matching Works with Groups
Some of my clients, who frequently work with teams or groups, have asked me
about how to effectively use these nonverbal communication tips when they’re
interacting with more than one person. As you might imagine, I watch each of
them carefully to notice their unconscious communication. What is each
person’s posture and body position? What are their gestures and facial
expressions? How do these differ when they’re interacting with me—as
compared to when they’re interacting with one another? It’s a fascinating
exploration.
But as you know, observing is just the beginning. How do you make a
connection with each person? The trick is to spread your attention among the
participants. Although you can’t mirror each person’s body language
simultaneously, you can use an open body position, extended eye contact, a
smile, their name—and, of course, you can still engage each person by asking
open-ended questions.
Just the Opposite: How Breaking Rapport Can Be Useful
Staying open and curious serves you well in most interactions. However, there
are exceptions. One client asked me whether there might be situations where
someone would intentionally be closed or send a signal of discomfort.
Think about it for a moment. When would you want to break rapport? Imagine,
for example, that someone is making an inappropriate advance—or perhaps
somebody’s had a bit too much to drink and they’re going on and on—and you
want to break off a conversation.
The way you break off the conversation is to break rapport. The first thing you
do is break the synchrony of your body language and start positioning yourself
to leave. In other words, you mismatch their gestures, you mismatch their
posture, and you turn yourself away from them as if you wanted to leave. That
will break rapport.
In a civil, social conversation like a cocktail party or with somebody who’s fairly
sophisticated, switching from extended eye contact to distracted eye contact will
send a signal. They will immediately start looking away from you because they
will understand that they’re being dismissed. This is also something that other
people may do with you when you talk too much or focus on something that’s
not of interest to them.
Most people recognize when someone is not receptive—simply by a person’s
willingness to make eye contact. But with someone who’s a little more
aggressive, you can use your body language to communicate: “This is an
unwelcome conversation and I’m ending it right now.” Although you’re usually
focused on building rapport, you can use your matching skills to mismatch
someone in order to establish a clear boundary.
For the most part, however, you want to focus on creating safety and interest. As
you become more comfortable within yourself and with the different
communication skills you’re learning, you will make others feel at ease, you will
gain insight into what’s going on in their minds, and you will find them opening
up to you.
With this in mind, I invite you to become a keen observer and listener. When
you’re focusing your nonverbal communications lens on people you know,
disconnect yourself from whatever your habitual way of thinking about them is
—and just objectively observe them.
Set your intention to look and listen for nonverbal cues with everyone—with
family members, friends, coworkers, even people in restaurants, airports, and
stores. You’ll find it’s easier to do this when they’re communicating with others.
Be curious as you notice how they’re behaving with other people when they’re
not focused on managing the impression they’re creating.
Galaxies Away:
Why It’s Important to Step into Another’s World
Political commentator and author Walter Lippmann said, “We are all captives of
the picture in our head: our belief that the world we have experienced is the
world that really exists.” Yet most people don’t realize that their world is not the
only one, that, in fact, it’s shared by few or only by them. So they focus on how
people are like them, and people who are like them, and when someone is
different than they are, they often experience that difference as something that’s
“wrong.”
In Chapter 4, you discovered some new things about how you create your world.
How you use pictures, sounds, and feelings to make sense of things. And how
your brain’s efficiency strategy helped you form beliefs and develop metaprograms and preferred communication channels. You learned that each of these
ways of being is revealed in your language. While all this rich and complex
processing is going on inside you, it’s also going on inside other people.
Now you can build on this understanding of yourself to improve the way you
interact with others. You can take a look inside yourself and check, “Do I really
know what they mean? Does that feel okay to me? Is that something that I
believe, too?”
The Grand Canyon:
How Missing Details Create Gaps in Understanding
Even though we use the same language, we often don’t know what someone else
really means. Despite this potential disconnect, people seem to be conversing all
the time.
Without asking questions to get the details that put us on the same page, we
don’t really know where someone else is coming from and how they reached the
conclusion that they did. Yet we rarely go into much detail with others. Asking
who, what, when, where, why, and how may seem unnecessary or even a bit
intrusive. So instead, what we do is kind of hallucinate.
Here’s how that works. When people tell you something is hot or something is
really good or it’s beautiful or it’s tasty, the only way for you to accept that
statement at face value is to fill in the information gaps in your mind by
providing your understanding of those words.
This happens because language is designed to abbreviate, to summarize, to give
us the bare bones. The trouble is we don’t all have the same bare bones. We
don’t have the same reference experiences, so we frequently don’t really know
what people mean. Even if you’re in the same family, the same company, or
same group of friends who frequently have shared experiences, you may still not
know what someone really means.
When somebody says, “I had a terrible time at that party,” all you know is they
didn’t like the previous experience they had. There are lots of missing pieces to
this puzzle, aren’t there?
You don’t know what kind of party it was. Was it this person’s birthday party?
Were there two people or thirty-five? You don’t know what they mean by
having a terrible time. Were they wearing uncomfortable shoes that made their
feet hurt all day? Did they see an old flame, who was with someone else? Did
somebody make a remark that they allowed to poison their whole day? You
really have no idea.
Now, in this person’s mind they know exactly what they’re saying, right? In an
effort to understand and enjoy rapport, you get sucked into making assumptions
and that leads you down the wrong path. In our sincere desire to understand, we
unconsciously fill in the missing pieces. A great intention, but not always a great
result.
When these gaps occur, as they frequently do, it’s important to understand that
the other person isn’t deliberately giving you only a part of what they’re
thinking. They’re just being brief because they know perfectly well what they’re
saying. They know exactly what they mean.
When you fill in the gaps from your personal reality, you’re really just making
guesses or assumptions. In contrast, you can more accurately imagine what’s
going on inside someone else when you step into the other person’s reality.
Although some people call this “mind reading,” it’s really just a brief visit to
second position.
If you’re going to be successful in understanding what a person means, you need
to leave your point of reference and step into theirs. Asking myself, “For that
statement to be true, what must be going on inside that person—what’s it like in
their world?” reminds me that this person’s world is being reflected in their
language—and that they are inviting me to step into their world.
Zooming In and Out:
Tips to Understanding Someone Else’s World
Remember, what someone is saying is complete enough for them; it just doesn’t
have enough information for you. If you can stay curious and emotionally loose
while you’re trying on what might be true, it helps.
Some people ask clarifying questions in a way that feels like an interrogation or
in a way that makes other people feel silly because they should have been more
specific. However, when you ask them from a sincere place of wanting to be
better company, you’ll find that asking questions will help you know people
better. You’ll begin to understand how they think and to really enjoy the unique
and miraculous divinity in each human being. We’re all so different.
If you really dig in, you’ll notice these differences. Because there are plenty of
these, it’s quite an adventure! Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re
gathering information to understand someone else’s world.
Zoom In: Focus on Them
The way to “try on” someone else’s world is to concentrate on their behavior,
not your reactions. When you stay focused on their behavior instead of your
feelings, you can avoid hasty reactions. This in turn frees you to have more
choice in how you ultimately respond. Among other benefits, you can avoid a lot
of drama this way.
Rather than focus on how you’re feeling, keep your attention outside yourself,
focused on the other person. Although your feelings provide information that
may be important to notice, they are about your reality. As you focus on the
other person and begin to understand their reality, they will then feel safer, more
interesting, and understood—simply because of the quality of your attention.
And they will tell you more, because you are making it a pleasant experience to
do so.
Sounds simple, right? While it is simple, it’s not always easy. Interestingly, a
long pause in a conversation or an extended silence may truly test your ability to
step outside yourself and stay focused on the other person. If this feels painfully
awkward to you, you might notice that you fill the silence with your own inner
chatter. Some of us tend to berate ourselves for that or something we did, saying
to ourselves, “Oh, that was a dumb thing to say. Oh, why did I say that? I’m
always doing things like that.” After all this chatter, we’re off in our own little
world and we’ve left the conversation completely!
With people you know and trust, you’ve probably found that silence is
comfortable, or at least tolerable. You don’t assume it means something. Instead,
you just allow the silence, right? You know they might be thinking about what
they want to say, thinking about something else entirely, or not really thinking
about much of anything! When it happens during conversation, particularly if
it’s the other person’s turn to say something, just smile at them. If the silence has
more intention than a pause, you can always explore it if you want to.
Zoom Out: Visit Second and Third Positions to Get Perspective
Once in a while when you’re asking questions and exploring someone’s world,
they may be thinking, “Wow, the way this person is approaching me is really
different.” They may like it and feel felt, or they may feel a little vulnerable
because the way you interact is unfamiliar and more personal. If they’re really
uncomfortable, they may send you subtle signals to back off. When you get this
feedback, just notice it. Then step back a little and use your nonverbal
communication skills to reestablish safety and rapport.
Similarly, if you hear a remark that puts you off or sparks a bad feeling about
yourself, zoom out and disassociate from the remark. Your feelings result from
your interpretation, right? So it’s always important to keep in mind that a
comment may not have been intended the way you heard it. Avoid engaging in a
reaction that’s going to shut down your curiosity and openness, because it will
limit your ability to hear and gather information.
When some people hear a remark that seems critical of them, they get angry.
With me, if somebody says, “You shouldn’t have done that,” I simply say, “Oh,
I shouldn’t have done what?” (Of course, tone is all important here.) Rather than
sounding defensive, I try to show that I’m genuinely curious and interested about
this person’s concern.
In response to my request for more information, they might say, “You shouldn’t
have talked so angrily to that person.”
“Hmm . . . what did I say that made you feel I was angry?” Notice how this
question is simply gathering information about their model of the world. I’m not
arguing with them. I’m not denying anything. I’m just gathering information.
They might say, “Well, you said this and this and this in that tone of voice.”
Once I understand how they reached their conclusion about my behavior, I can
either try to correct the impression I meant to give, or I can ask myself, “You
know, if I were that person, how might my behavior have seemed?” Going into
second position like this allows me to try on whatever was described to me.
When I do this, I’m using my own body as an instrument to gauge how that
behavior might have looked, sounded, or felt.
Then I might think, “You’re right. If I had heard that in that tone of voice from a
guy like me, that would have made me feel pretty yucky; so I’m going to
apologize to them. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.” This allows me to
have a very sane reaction, right? It’s not a big deal, and it doesn’t need to
become a problem between me and the person who’s sharing their interpretation
of something I did, or didn’t, do.
Here’s another example. Sometimes because I’m so passionate about NLP, I
really get on a roll and it’s hard to shut me up. If, in response to my oversharing,
somebody said, “You’re pretty stuck on this stuff, aren’t you? You think you
know everything,” I’d probably go into third position (objective observer) and
say, “What specifically do I do that makes you think I think I know everything?”
In asking this, I’m going to get some behavioral feedback that may or may not
be useful. What I hear may teach me something about me, or it may teach me
something about the other person. Either way, my mind-set is that I’m going to
enjoy getting that information.
Then, with genuine interest, not defensiveness, I’ll say, “Hmm, I don’t think I
know everything about NLP. What makes you think I know everything about
NLP? Did I say something like that?”
My openness and curiosity in these kinds of conversations are echoed in my
nonverbal communication. My posture and facial expressions are saying, “I’m
open and safe.” My tone is sincere and curious. If these visual and auditory cues
were incongruent, it would make the other person uncomfortable.
Slow Down: Watch for Yellow Lights of Incongruence
In a perfect universe, people would be congruent and it would be easier to get a
sense of their distinct inner realities. But we’re human, so we’re not always
consistent. I’m certainly not! As a refresher, someone’s ambivalence may result
from something simple, like having to choose between going to a great concert
or going parasailing. Or it may indicate an internal conflict or some violation of
their values.
When people are incongruent, we read that like it’s a flashing yellow light. Each
of us has internal radar that sorts for “Something’s wrong with this picture—
slow down, be careful.” People notice our incongruity, and you want to notice
theirs. Because people are always communicating in three channels—visual,
auditory, and kinesthetic—you get a lot of information to evaluate. And when
what someone is saying doesn’t match your experience of them, it’s a good time
to give them some space or ask them questions.
Imagine, for example, that you see someone you know at a party and they seem
a little off. They’re saying, “Oh, it’s really good to see you,” but they’re looking
past you or they’re leaning away from you. In this situation, how would you
feel? You might conclude that they didn’t really want to see you, they’d rather
be talking with someone else, or that something’s wrong with you.
Because you kind of know this person and sense that something’s off, you might
say, “Is everything okay?” and they say, “Sure, I’m fine.” If they say this in an
irritated voice, that’s incongruity again, right? Sometimes honest sympathy will
ventilate the issue. Just asking, “Is anything troubling you? Is there anything I
can do?” can be helpful.
You might hear “No, it’s not a big deal. My boyfriend said he’d be here on time
and he’s not here yet and I know he forgot that today’s my birthday and I’m just
pissed at him.” Or “No, no, it’s nothing. I have something on my mind. My
wife’s having surgery and I’m waiting for a call.” So you may find out that what
people were too polite to tell you was troubling them, or you may not. If I get
two or three denials in the face of my earnest concern, then I respect their
privacy and I leave it alone.
When someone’s tone of voice, posture, facial expression, or body language, and
your sense of their energy, don’t match their words, it’s often a reflection of
some kind of inner conflict.
Here’s a simple example. Last week I was watching an actress being interviewed
on a talk show. I was fascinated to notice that her body was incongruent, top to
bottom. Her feet were under the chair. Her knees were away from the person she
was talking to. Her hands were folded very comfortably in front of her. Her
shoulders and head were turned to the host. Because she was listening and
seemed relaxed, she seemed very comfortable in her conversation.
Although her hands and her face appeared relaxed, her lower body looked
frozen, like she didn’t really want to be there. She was very incongruent. As I
watched her, I stepped into second position and actually put my body in this
incongruent position. Boy, was that uncomfortable! When I stepped back into
first position, I imagined that she was probably very committed to making a
point or selling whatever movie she was there to promote. But part of her, the
deeper inner part of her, really wished she didn’t have to be there.
When I see this kind of incongruity in someone I’m interacting with, the only
thing I know for certain is that this is a person who needs a better level of
comfort. Usually I’m up for helping them get that. And if they are, too, I do. If
not, I don’t take it personally.
Noticing incongruity is critical to establishing or maintaining rapport, and to
gathering good information. Whenever you notice incongruence or some
evidence of conflict, slow down and be cautious. You may be stepping into a
busy intersection—simply because that person has some kind of conflict going
on at that time, which may have nothing at all to do with you.
Think of this advice as framework for the adventure of exploring someone’s
world.
Detective Mode:
How Questions Fill in Gaps and Facilitate Understanding
When people talk about an experience, their verbal description will be
incomplete. Let’s zero in on language itself for a moment. As you know, it’s
really just shorthand; it’s efficient, but it leaves gaps. In Chapter 4, you learned
how you naturally delete information. Now you’ll notice, really notice, how
often other people do it, too.
In NLP, the Meta Model is a way of recovering missing information when
you’re being asked to fill in the blanks. Here are some examples that illustrate
gaps and what you might say to get more information so you can understand
their experience.
If somebody tells you, “I had a terrible time at that party,” go inside yourself and
see what you get. Can you make a representation of that? If it’s even kind of
fuzzy, you immediately know you need more information, like who, what,
where, when, how, why. In your picture of the party, many of those details were
missing, right?
Clue: Unspecified Nouns and Verbs
Because so many pieces of the puzzle were missing, you could ask lots of
different questions. You could start by asking, “Which party?” (surprise: it may
not be the one you both just attended) and get some more details about the party
itself. Or, in contrast to gathering these facts, you could say, “When you say you
had a terrible time at the party, what made it a bad time? What happened that
made it a negative experience?”
Sometimes, despite well-intentioned body language and tone, when you ask
someone such a direct question, it can sound like you’re challenging them. To
soften your questions, you can frame them with “Can you tell me?” or “I’m
curious,” or “I’d like to know.”
In addition to missing people, places, and things, some people’s descriptions are
missing actions or processes. Imagine, for a moment, that your boss told you,
“This is completely wrong.” There are lots of possible reactions you might have,
right? You could be frustrated, defensive, angry, indifferent, or anything in
between. Those reactions would come from being in your world and filling in
the blanks.
But if you tried to make a picture of what went wrong by stepping out of your
reality and into your supervisor’s, all you know is that something isn’t the way
he wanted it. Simply saying, “Well, okay, what was supposed to be done?” will
fill in the what and the how.
If he said, “Well, the pages are supposed to be stapled along the top, and these
are all stapled on the left edge,” now you have useful information, right? And
based on this, you can decide or discuss next steps.
This kind of communication happens all the time, doesn’t it? It’s kind of
amazing that misunderstandings aren’t even more commonplace than they are. If
you adjust your attention to pick up this information, you’ll be astonished at how
much missing information there is in the things people tell you, and how easily
you can fill in the gaps.
Clue: You Can’t Put It in a Wheelbarrow
Here’s another example of how meanings are hidden. These are action or
process words that are turned into things, like frustration, production,
knowledge, and freedom. Those descriptions really ought to be verbs or
adjectives such as frustrating, produce, knowing, and be free. So, in NLP, when
somebody uses these kinds of words, we call them “Nominalizations.”
A nominalization is an abstraction that is undefined. Now, what’s hiding in this
bit of jargon is a powerful concept. It’s something theoretical pretending to be
something with a real existence. An easy way to recognize a nominalization is to
ask, “Can I put it in a wheelbarrow?” It’s like truth, beauty, and the American
way. None of us really knows exactly what those things mean because they’re
pretty abstract.
If somebody says, “This is another day of frustration,” you’d have to say, “Oh,
who’s frustrated?” When the person says, “I’m frustrated!” then you can say,
“What was it that made you feel frustrated?” “I worked all day to get the
proposal out this afternoon, then the delivery guy didn’t pick it up in time to get
to the prospect by the deadline.”
Ah, now you have a better understanding of that person’s frustration, right? The
lesson here is don’t understand too quickly. It’s really important that you slow
way down, and then you’ll get an accurate sense of what’s going on in the other
person’s head. If you try something on, either by making a picture of it, or
sensing how it feels, you’ll know if you have enough information.
I have a friend who often tells me a story and ends it with “See what I mean?”
And then we’ll laugh because we do this dance all the time. We’ve been friends
a long time, so she’s used to me saying, “No, I don’t really know what you
mean, but I want to. Let me tell you what I think I heard you say and I’ll ask a
few questions so you can help me fill in the gaps, okay?”
Clue: Always/Never, All/None, Everyone/No One
Another way that people leave out details is by using what we call “Universals.”
For instance, when you hear somebody use words like all, none, everyone,
never, or always, you know that’s really exaggeration, right? Other than gravity,
there are VERY few things that are always so.
Here are some examples. “You never help me” or “His family always hates me;
nothing I do ever pleases them.” Or “I’m never going to learn to use this
computer program.”
When most people use these words, they’re usually describing behaviors. These
universals show the limits of that person’s world, the limits they’re experiencing
at a specific time or about a specific subject or person.
In these situations, you can really do someone a favor by injecting a little good-
humored perspective with questions like “Really? All the time?” or “Really?
You’ve never ever done anything right, ever?” When I ask these questions, it’s
usually with kind of a half smile. What I get in return is kind of “Well, yeah,
sometimes I get things right, yeah, maybe when I was fifteen.” Now they’re
laughing, you’re joking, and the two of you can get back to reality because those
universals are “never” realistic.
Clue: Have To, Should, Must, Need
Another information gap that’s less obvious is when people can say, “I have to
do this. I’ve got to be there. I should call them. I really must meet the deadline.”
When they’re using those kinds of words, these seem reasonable and you might
be tempted to just accept them at face value. Yet if you did, you wouldn’t really
have a complete picture. To get one, you could say, “Hmm, I’m curious, what
would happen if you didn’t do it?”
Well, most likely something would happen if they didn’t get it done . . . maybe
they’d get a fine . . . maybe they’d get a lower grade on a paper . . . maybe they
would miss a birthday. But the world wouldn’t end. And maybe nothing would
happen, no one would notice, and that would be a different kind of something to
deal with.
Here’s the thing. In the human mind, when you say words like have to, must, or
can’t, what your brain does is stop at that word and think, “Okay, I can’t,
because if I do the universe is going to end. I’m going to die. It’s all going to be
terrible.” Whenever you hear somebody using these words, called words of
“Impossibility” or words that are “Required,” the best thing to do is to invite the
person to examine their limitation. Asking, “What prevents you from doing it?”
or “What would it be like if you could do it?” encourages the brain to consider
other possibilities.
Clue: Absence of Criteria or Evidence
Another glimpse you might get into a person’s world is when they say, “Oh, it’s
bad,” or you hear them say, “It’s all good.” What’s all good? In NLP, we call
this the “Lost Performer.” Who is the judge of whether something is good or
bad? How do you know it’s good? “That’s the best kind.” “That’s a fact.” Really
—according to whom? In each of these examples, there are big information
gaps.
If a woman says, “My husband certainly loves me,” you can say, “Oh, that’s
wonderful. How do you know he loves you? How does he show his love?” and
then she’ll tell you what, in her inner world, means he loves her. “It’s because he
said so this morning, because he bought me a ring, or because he always takes
out the garbage.”
Clue: Effect with No Known Cause
The last illustration of a person’s limitation is called “Cause-Effect.” Imagine
that somebody says, “He made me angry.” You’d want to know how that
happened, right? So you’d ask. In response, they might say, “Well, it was his
tone of voice.” Now you’d probably ask what his tone was like, and they might
say, “He was just abrupt and pissy with me.”
By asking questions, you can start unpacking people’s conclusion-making and
find out whether that’s really an accurate conclusion. You can discover if that’s
something they believe, and if it is, that’s useful. And if it’s not, it allows the
other person to give you more information.
Different Journeys:
How Beliefs Distinguish Our Inner Worlds
Sometimes when people make unconscious statements, they present it as fact. A
well-respected colleague of mine once said in one of our monthly meetings,
“Time will get away from us and the business will collapse if we don’t do this.”
His dire prediction provided a peek into his inner world. Even though his
statement wasn’t on target, he let us all know how concerned he was about what
would happen if we didn’t take action quickly. This was just his belief.
As you know from Chapter 4, when you start listening carefully to your own
language you can get a good look at your beliefs and you may get a picture of
your inner world. You may hear yourself say things like “You know, every time
I get a project it’s such a mess when I get it that I can’t possibly finish it on
time.”
Even in our internal dialogue, these are statements given as fact, but they’re not
fact. When you hear a belief, go inside yourself and think for a moment, “Is that
true? Every time I’m given a project, even if it’s kind of a mess, is it true that I
can’t finish it on time? What if just a few sections need extensive editing? I
could finish that on time.” Or, with the belief about the business collapsing, it’s
important to ask, “Is that really true? Will the business really come to a grinding
halt?” Probably not.
On a lighter note, you may hear one of a teenager’s beliefs when they exclaim,
“Well, I can’t wear those shoes with this!” You can ask, “Oh really? Why not?”
And you might hear something fascinating, like “Well, because they’re totally
the wrong color blue.” With further exploration, you may come to understand
that the blues have to match exactly. Some of the beliefs you’ll hear will strike
you as being pretty funny, including some of your own.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying Your Beliefs
Before we consider how to uncover other people’s beliefs, let’s see what
happens when you reveal a few of your own. Complete the following sentences
by filling in the first thing that comes to your mind.
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
Now, read each completed sentence and try it on. Have you ever heard yourself
express this point of view before? Does this feel true to you? Would you be
likely to disagree with someone if they completed the sentence differently?
How long have you had this thought?
When you’re done, just put this activity aside for a moment. We’ll come back to
it.
Roots of Beliefs: The Importance of Experience and Belonging
In Chapter 4, you learned that most of your beliefs were formed when you were
young. This happens in two ways. Some beliefs are sort of cause and effect.
They’re formed from personal experience, like “If I cry, someone will come and
feed me or change my diapers.” As an adult, this belief might be expressed as “If
I let someone know what I need, they’ll respond,” but the emotional reaction
that’s linked to this belief may be more like a child’s. That’s because the belief
that’s still creating the motivation is one a small child came up with in an effort
to make sense of the world. Isn’t that fascinating?
In contrast, other beliefs come from unverified information—like the family or
local wisdom; they’re simply learned and integrated. It’s a tribal kind of thought.
By sharing similar beliefs and views of the world, we feel not only some sense
of order and control, but also a sense of belonging. Initially, these beliefs of
belonging relate to our families because our very survival rests with being cared
for and accepted. Later, this kind of tribal thinking may extend to include the
school we go to, the community we live in, the company we work for, a spiritual
congregation we practice with, or even social and political groups we affiliate
with. Most of these groups have shared beliefs that drive their motivations and
behaviors.
Beliefs that are acquired like hand-me-downs can be tricky because beliefs filter
the information we let in. Here’s an example. One day my neighbor’s eight-yearold daughter said, “I’d never marry a rich man.” This really caught my attention,
so I said, “That’s interesting; how come you wouldn’t want to marry a rich
man?” She looked at me like I was incredibly stupid or from another planet and
said (like it was the most reasonable thing in the world), “Because rich people
aren’t happy.”
When she answered my question about her belief, she revealed another belief.
While it’s possible that she actually knew some rich people and based her
conclusion on her experience, it seemed unlikely to me. These were beliefs she’d
heard in her tribe and accepted without question. Even though I was a little
alarmed about her conclusion, I didn’t argue with her. I simply gave her some
statistics about how the lack of money is a source of conflict in many marriages
and explained that marrying someone who had money might eliminate those
problems. This line of reasoning didn’t seem to shake her conviction.
In contrast, a former girlfriend’s mother had always told her daughter when she
was little, “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man.” Of
these two beliefs, which one seems the most limiting, and which one seems the
most empowering?
It seems quite possible that my neighbor’s daughter might, in fact, decide not to
hang around with those unhappy rich people, unwittingly limiting her
possibilities for friendship and marriage. Again, in contrast, my girlfriend’s mom
simply opened the door to possibility, so she could consider all men as potential
candidates.
In a nutshell, all of us form beliefs, most often from our earliest days. Without
some adult experience that calls a belief into question, we can carry these
thoughts as truths through our whole lives. Even though many beliefs are
unconscious, it helps to notice them and bring them into the light for further
examination. Then the most important question we can ask is “How is this belief
working within us? Is it empowering us or limiting us?”
These beliefs are evident in how someone completes the sentences you just did
in the last activity: I am . . . People are . . . Life is . . .
I love exploring beliefs, and often when I’m talking with a new friend, I like to
say, “Just for giggles, I’d like to play a game. Complete this sentence for me.
Life is like a ________________.” I’m always intrigued by what they come up
with. For example, I’ve heard,
“Life is like a game.”
“Life is like a contest.”
“Life is a battle.”
“Life is an adventure.”
“Life is a circus.”
“Life is a journey.”
People come up with all sorts of metaphors that give you an indication of their
beliefs about life. A battle and a circus, are they talking about the same thing?
Absolutely. And in addition to having diverse beliefs about life, people have
beliefs about themselves and about other people.
The parts of the world that really impact us are what we say to ourselves about
our lives, how we characterize them, and how other people treat us. How other
people treat us, of course, is a little more complicated because that’s mixed in
with how we treat them and what their beliefs are. In many cases, we draw
conclusions from what other people do (or don’t do) that aren’t really justified
by what they did in that one specific situation.
Here’s the bottom line. People’s attention, even in conversation, is frequently
internally focused, although it may seem like they’re listening to you. This
experience is so common it is frequently expressed as a joke along the lines of
“Listening is not thinking of what you are going to say next.”
In general, people are mostly concerned with themselves. They’re much more
focused on their own thoughts, feelings, choices, and behaviors than anyone
else’s. That’s not necessarily bad or selfish; it’s just the way most people work.
It’s one of our basic survival characteristics.
Said another way, once you recognize and accept that, most of the time,
someone else’s attention is on their own experience, you will find it a lot easier
to understand people and why they do what they do.
As you know, understanding how your beliefs motivate and shape your
experience can help you recognize how powerful they are in your life—and how
powerful other people’s beliefs are in their own lives.
Discovery Activity:
Exploring a Personal Belief
Let’s revisit the activity you did a moment ago. Choose one of the beliefs you
discovered when you completed the following sentences.
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
When you consider this belief now, is this something that people in your family
believed?
Based on who you are today, is this something you still think is true, or
something you simply accepted and once believed?
Although many beliefs originally embodied a positive intention, like keeping us
safe, or helping us belong, they still impact our behavior.
So, is the belief you identified empowering, or limiting?
If it’s limiting, is this something you’d like to change?
One of the beliefs I’m fortunate to have is that I’m lucky. I’m pretty sure I got
this from my parents. They were people who looked for and focused on the
positive things in life. I remember that even when times were hard, they
encouraged my brother and I to count our blessings and be grateful. So, feeling
that I’m lucky is a belief I want to keep and continue to feel empowered by.
But if I had a limiting belief that “people are always out to get you,” that’s
something I might want to change. If I’d had this belief for a long time, I would
also have lots of evidence that it’s true, simply because that’s what I’d been
looking for. A way to loosen up this belief would be to identify counterexamples, examples that show how this belief isn’t always accurate.
Perhaps I could think of someone who was often nice to me, or I could
remember a friend, teacher, or coworker, who once stood up for me when
someone else was being unkind or unfair. Maybe there was a time when a
complete stranger let me go ahead of them at the grocery store checkout when I
was in a hurry. Even a small example can begin to loosen up a limiting belief.
If I couldn’t identify any counter-examples in my own experience, I could look
for these with others. If you decide to do this, don’t pick the person who seems
to have everything going their way. Instead, pick someone you know pretty well
who’s had some tough breaks, then step into second position with them and
notice anything that flies in the face of “People are always out to get you.”
Perhaps this individual got a raise or a promotion. Perhaps someone gave them
free tickets to an event. Perhaps a person who owed them money paid it back.
What in this person’s experience could provide you with a kernel of evidence
and hope that “people are always out to get you” is not true?
Your beliefs are powerful, and so are other people’s. You might be wondering
what to do when you encounter another person’s belief that’s different from
yours. Imagine, for a moment, that someone across from you is stating
something as fact that you know not to be fact. What do you do about that? Do
you jump right into a debate? Let’s hold this question for the next chapter, when
you’ll learn several ways to explore what the other person thinks and create an
opening to consider a different point of view.
For now, I recommend that you notice the belief and continue to learn about
your companion. Do them the favor of being curious about them, and continue to
gather information about them. Usually, people find this kind of conversation to
be a very pleasant experience. They find you fascinating because you’re
fascinated with them, so this is a win/win situation.
Wants and Needs: How Exploring Beliefs Uncovers
Motivations and Meta-Outcomes
Because unconscious beliefs shape our decisions and behavior, when people tell
you about something they want or need, you’ll often discover that the stated goal
is not their real motivation. There’s something called the goal-behind-the-goal,
or “Meta-Outcomes.” In learning about the Well-Formed Outcome in Chapter 2,
you explored the meta-outcomes related to a goal you chose.
So how do you learn about someone else’s meta-outcomes in a conversational
way? Imagine, for example, that a neighbor tells you, “I’ve got to go down and
get my car washed this afternoon.” In response, you could say, “Oh, that’s a
good thing. I do that once in a while, too. How often do you get it done?”
“Oh, I get it done every week.”
“What’s important to you about that?”
“What? Are you serious? It’s important to take care of my things,” or “Well, in
this neighborhood everybody’s car is shiny, and I don’t want to be the bum on
the block,” or “If I don’t do it, my wife takes it to this place that costs fifty-two
dollars, so I take care of it.” You’ll get some kind of reason. The more you peel
the layers of the onion, the more you’ll learn about someone’s beliefs, metaoutcomes, and real motivations.
Two of my favorite questions to uncover unconscious motivations and beliefs
are “What would happen if that occurred?” and “What’s important about that?”
These provide me with interesting information about and insight into others. It
doesn’t put people on guard. Because it just gets them thinking, these are great
questions that elicit honest feedback from people.
Also, when I’m trying to learn about someone’s reasons, goals, and dreams and
the goal-behind-the-goal (meta-outcomes), the big question is “If that happened,
what would that do for you?” This question is like magic, so I usually ask it
again, building on what they just told me, “And if that happened, what would
that do for you that’s even more important?” Here’s an example of what these
questions might reveal.
Imagine that someone told you, “I’ve got to finish my courses and get this
degree.”
“Okay, and if you get the degree, what will that do for you?”
“Well, then I can enter my chosen field of microbiology.”
“That’s great. And if you enter your chosen field, what’s even more important
about that?”
“Well, then I’ll be doing work I like and I’ll be getting paid well.”
“Great. So doing work you like and getting paid well, what does that do for
you?”
“Well, then I can buy a house, get married, and have kids. Are you crazy? What
do you mean what does it do for me?”
Then you can laugh it off and say, “Right, and is that the most important thing in
life to you? Having a house and having kids?”
“Yes! Having a happy family and a sense of belonging is really important.”
When you’re genuinely trying to learn about somebody, they don’t get resistant
or resentful. Instead people really appreciate your sincere interest. Do you know
how little this happens in industrialized society? Just think about it. Unless
somebody is making cocktail party chatter, people rarely ask each other
questions beyond “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” Almost no one
ever asks questions that sincerely dig down, do they? Your authentic interest and
inquiries will be a refreshing change.
Beyond Belief:
How Language Reveals Other Personal Preferences
Belief statements are one reflection of individual preferences. A person’s
language will also reveal their preferred representational system, their key metaprograms, and how they operate in relationship to time. Knowing how to notice
these preferences will prepare you for modifying your own preferences in order
to maximize how you communicate (which you’ll learn about in Chapter 7).
Preferred Channels: Representational System Preferences
How would you know about someone’s representational system preferences?
Imagine you were talking with someone and they mentioned their vacation
plans, saying, “We’re going on vacation in July. We’ve got reservations and
we’re saving our money. We’re going back down to the Caribbean!”
You might say, “Oh, you’ve been there before. When you think about going
back there, what are you most excited about?” and the person will tell you any
number of things. Whenever they slow down, you can pick one thing to build on
and say, “And what’s important to you about that?” or “What do you like best
about that?” or “What’s the best time you ever had on vacation?” With any of
these questions, you’ll be able to gather more information.
If your companion processes primarily in visual terms, they might say, “The
colors of the Caribbean are so bright . . . the costumes people wear are so vibrant
. . . and the water is this sparkling emerald green.” Their description provided
you with snapshots, right?
If their processing is primarily auditory, someone will talk in terms of sound.
You may hear, “I love waking up to the sound of the surf . . . I sleep great when I
can hear the rustle of the trees in the wind . . .” or “the local music is an amazing
sound; their instruments are made from steel drums, old bottles, coconuts, and
driftwood!” Hear the difference in these sound bites?
Or you’ll get a kinesthetic description. “You know, I just feel wonderful when
I’m down there. I love diving into the warm water and riding the waves . . .
squishing the sand between my toes makes me feel like a kid again . . . I’m so
relaxed my stomach has settled down . . .” or “I love the food! The spices are
kind of hot, but the beer is ice cold.” Notice how these feelings and sensations
shape the experience of the listener.
Again, everyone uses all three channels, but you’ll find that people favor one
over another. They’ll lean toward feeling and emotional words or tune into
sound words, or they’ll focus on vision words. This is information most people
don’t ordinarily get. Noticing these personal preferences will give you additional
insight into how the unique human you are with actually works—and how best
to communicate with someone through their preference.
Preferred Patterns of Processing: Meta-Programs
In Section 1, you learned that about additional filters that we habitually act on,
called meta-programs, which are patterns of processing information that we’ve
adopted and automated to help us make decisions and motivate ourselves.
To refresh your memory, the following chart highlights some of the key metaprograms. In Chapter 4, when you were initially introduced to these filters,
which ones seemed to best describe you?
Meta-Program
Answers the
Question
Options/Procedures
Is it more important for you to do something the
“right way” than it is to have alternative ways of
doing it?
Toward/AwayFrom
Are you more motivated by moving toward something
that has a potentially positive outcome, or away from
a potentially negative consequence?
Proactive/Reactive
Are you more likely to take the initiative to act, or
wait for someone else to do it—or for something else
to happen?
Internal/External
When you evaluate something, are you more likely to
use an internal personal standard, or to ask for
someone else’s feedback?
General/Specific
Do you most often deal in the “big picture”—or in the
details?
Match/Mismatch
When making comparisons, do you notice how things
are alike, or where there are
differences/discrepancies?
As you think about meta-programs, remember that these behaviors are expressed
more as a continuum than as extremes. But when you consider the two extremes,
there’s likely to be one in the pair that you can barely understand or have trouble
tolerating. If so, the opposite one is your preference. Meta-programs are so much
a part of us that when you try them on, you may discover you have strong
feelings about the “rightness” of one versus the other.
Because meta-programs are unconscious and personal, they can be a source of
conflict between coworkers, significant others, teammates, and even strangers.
Because meta-programs are now on your radar, a part of you will be looking for
them and wondering how they’re influencing your interactions.
If you’re “externally oriented” and like to get feedback from other people before
moving forward, you might be really irritated to come back from vacation and
find that your coworker put information about a new product on the company
website before “testing” it with a sample group. This frustration might be really
severe if another of your meta-programs was “reactive.”
And if your orientation is “away-from” as well as “specific,” you might feel
challenged by a spouse who comes home waving two tickets to Paris and saying,
“I got a great deal! We leave day after tomorrow, so get packing!”
A New Aspect of Meta-Programs: “Content” and “Domain”
Another important meta-program is called “Content.” The “Content” metaprogram recognizes the importance we assign to these five basic elements, called
“Domains,” of life: People, Information, Things, Activity, and Location. It’s a
revealing aspect of our nature. Are we “people-people” or do we collect
antiques? Do we remember based on where we were, or what we did, or whom
we were with, or what we had or what we learned?
With a little attention and practice, you’ll notice how someone’s possessions or
conversation will reveal how they prioritize these five elements.
All of us relate to these domains and unconsciously rank them one through five.
For instance, my personal “sort” is probably People, Information, Place,
Activity, and then Things. Possessions and things like that are pretty low on my
list of awareness. Relationships (People) are the first things that occur to me, and
next for me is information.
These content “sorts” are context-based. For example, my wife, Vikki, sorts
content this way—People, Activity, Place, Information, and Things. We’re
aligned in a lot of ways, but, at home, she’s much more proactive than I am in
terms of creating our environment. She watches HGTV and I’ll watch the
Discovery Channel. She’s looking at Place and Things and how they may be
arranged (Activity), and I’m looking at history and science and stuff like that,
because I’m an information junkie. We have these overlaps and we have these
interesting differences.
As you become more aware of your meta-programs and see them in others,
you’ll notice how commonalities can be a source of comfort and connection.
And how differences can be a source of curiosity or conflict. There’s no right or
wrong about this. It’s all just preference. Fortunately, things are just not neatly
black-and-white—you’re this and I’m that—and never the twain shall meet.
A Case in Point: Meta-Program Content
Here’s how a forty-one-year-old client of mine who was an engineer used his
knowledge of meta-programs to increase his versatility and comfort. He was
married to a woman whose top three priorities were Things, Activity, and Place.
She loved to go to flea markets.
Because his initial “sort” was Information, Activity, and Relationship, the very
thought of going to a flea market and all the stuff there made him a little crazy.
Once he realized this, he started researching what the vendors were selling by
asking them where the items came from and their history. Just by focusing on
information, he was able to amuse himself and make it a more enjoyable
experience.
Consider a person whose top three priorities are Information, Place, and
Activity. That person’s not likely to be warm and fuzzy. That person probably
lives in his or her head. Their home, the place they actually live, is going to be
very important to them, so you don’t want to mess with it. You might not even
be welcome there. Quite frequently, they’re really attached to what they do, and
relationships aren’t very high on their list. I know some superb teachers who are
like this. While we like and respect each other, it’s not like they often call me
saying, “Let’s go hang out.” I don’t take it personally—it’s just how they
operate. It’s just personal preference.
The Common Thread: How People Relate to Time
The element of time touches many aspects of our lives, so the different ways
people relate to it always reveals something about their unique world.
Time Orientation: Through Time and in Time
A person who’s through time is someone who can see the past, present, and
future simultaneously. This perspective is likely to make someone a good
observer and excellent planner. In contrast, a person who is in time is very
associated, very in the moment. This person has the capability to really enjoy life
in the moment. However, they may not excel at planning or keeping
commitments. To them, a commitment is something that happened in the past
and planning is something that happens in the future. When someone is in time,
it makes sense that these behaviors would present a challenge.
When you understand your orientation to time and recognize that someone else’s
is different, it’s easier to stay away from making judgments about it and accept
that this is just how they operate.
Cultural Time Orientation: Monochronic and Polychronic
Cultural differences in time orientation often create friction. I just moved from
Silicon Valley in California, where it’s very diverse. People from all over the
world live and work there; so cultural differences about time make
communicating challenging.
Psychologist and author Allen Bluedorn, conducting research about time, found
that in communication, especially nonverbal communication, there are really two
major divisions for time: monochronic and polychronic.
Monochronic time is linear. That’s Germany, Canada, Switzerland, Scandinavia,
most of Europe, and the United States. We’re very linear. We like schedules. We
show up at the agreed-upon time for an appointment because that’s what’s
important to us. We say time is money and that you can’t ever get it back, so
culturally that’s what we’re about. It makes sense that in the 1300s the first
clocks were built in Europe.
Polychronic time is a system where several things can be done at once; it’s a
more fluid approach. Polychronic time is common in southern Europe, Latino
cultures, Native American cultures, Arabic cultures, Mexico, and India.
Relationships are much more important in these cultures, and there’s much less
attention to accounting for every moment.
If you were at a friend’s house in a polychronic time culture and there was
something going on there that was going to make you late for an appointment,
you’d just go ahead and be late, because the relationship is what really matters.
Since that less formal perception of time is accepted, being late wouldn’t be the
same kind of issue or an insult that it would be in a monochronic time culture.
These are broad generalities, of course. Yet among the people you know, you’ll
probably notice that their different approaches to time are based on the culture
they’re in or the one they’re from. When we lived in California, a lot of the
housekeepers were Hispanic and some of our friends would say, “The
housekeepers are late again. They’re just lazy.” That judgment stems from a
linear orientation to time, right? These housekeepers weren’t lazy; they were
probably taking care of their children or looking in on a friend. They were just
operating from a different set of values.
As I began exploring time and wanting to write about it, I realized how
profoundly it affects people’s approaches and beliefs about so many things. And
I began to wonder if additional research about time had been done recently.
Time Orientation: Now and Then
Phil Zimbardo, a prolific professor at Stanford University, has written a lot about
psychology and lately he’s been talking about how time operates differently in
people’s lives. (There’s a wonderful animated presentation of his key concepts
on TED and YouTube.) Some of what he describes will not surprise you,
because these patterns are things you’ve probably noticed in your own life and in
your interactions with others.
He says people are past-oriented, present-oriented, or future-oriented.
Interesting, huh? If they’re future-oriented, they’re obviously more focused on
the future than on the present or the past. They’re good planners. They’re very
goal-oriented. They tend to have higher grade point averages, be health
conscious, and save their money. They can delay gratification, so they have
pretty good ego control and self-esteem. However, because they are sometimes
too far in the future, they may have trouble locating themselves in the present.
As a result, they may be less able to enjoy present activities and may be a little
less affectionate to people immediately around them.
People who are past-oriented are actually looking back at the past; they’re
relating everything that’s happening to what’s already happened. These people
operate primarily from negative past perspectives or positive past perspectives.
They base their outlook and decisions on these experiences.
If, for example, a past-oriented person has had sad, painful, or traumatic
experiences they haven’t gotten over, they’re going to be pessimistic. They tend
to expect less out of the future and are hesitant to take risks. In contrast, people
who have happy pasts are going to be quite optimistic, enthusiastic, and
ambitious; they expect to repeat or create a good experience that they feel happy
about.
People who are present-oriented can pretty much be divided into two categories:
hedonistic or fatalistic. If they’re fatalistic, they think that fate’s in charge of
their life, so they live more passive lives, believing they have little or no
personal power. If they’re hedonistic, they like to enjoy life. They’re impulsive,
they’re spontaneous, and they’re risk takers. They tend to lose themselves in the
excitement of the moment and have passionate relationships. One conclusion:
you simply don’t want someone who is present-oriented in a planning capacity.
There are many more subtle distinctions. But always ask yourself, “Where is this
person in relationship to time? Are they thinking about and living in the past, in
the present, or in the future?” Someone’s orientation to time impacts what we
learn about them, what we choose to say to them, and what might be possible in
a relationship with them.
A New Approach:
How to Apply Your Understanding of Nonverbal Behavior,
Beliefs, and Personal Preferences to Interactions with Others
Setting your intention on understanding someone else’s world can help you
establish rapport, enhance your communication, and deepen your connection.
You can also begin to enjoy discovering all the ways people are different instead
of being puzzled or even annoyed by the differences.
Of course, trying to notice and explore all these different pieces of someone’s
world can be a little overwhelming, especially when you’re meeting someone
new. Here’s something easy you can do to practice and hone your skills.
Discovery Activity:
Exploring Someone’s Inner World
Just for fun, complete the following questions to see what you already know
about someone you’re close to. Right now, think of someone you know pretty
well.
Person:______________________
How are they in relationship to time?
When they describe something (especially an experience that has emotions
associated with it), what does their language tell you about the representational
system they’re processing in? Are they more visual, auditory, or kinesthetic?
What meta-programs do you notice in their behavior? Is their orientation more:
– Options or Procedures?
– Toward or Away-From?
– Proactive or Reactive?
– Internal or External?
– General or Specific?
– Match or Mismatch?
– Match or Mismatch?
How would they rank the meta-program content domains—people, place,
information, activities, and things?
How do you imagine they’d complete these sentences?
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
What beliefs do you notice that they mention fairly frequently?
Do these beliefs seem to be empowering or limiting?
Of course, these answers are just a starting point. As you interact with the person
you’ve identified, try to see them with fresh eyes. Be curious and ask questions
about missing information that you normally would have just filled in. As you
get more information, consider which of your initial observations were on target,
and which ones were not. (To get an outside perspective, invite this person to
take the quick assessment you did in Chapter 4 to get a brief profile of their
meta-programs.)
During your next several interactions with this person, notice how the
communication or feelings may be different from before—simply because you
are stepping outside yourself, and focusing on really understanding them.
This practice experience will help you use these same observation and
questioning skills with others you know or are just meeting. Noticing what’s
missing in someone’s communication, recovering lost information, discovering
what someone really wants, recognizing their preferred representational system
for processing, identifying how someone is in relationship to time, and
distinguishing their meta-programs will help you understand and appreciate their
world. No one’s way is wrong—it’s just different. These differences reflect the
richness of human experience.
Using the information and skills you learned in this chapter can change your life.
And because this way of communicating alters the way you touch the lives of
others, you can help make the world a better place. In the next chapter, you’ll
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Key Ideas
• Nonverbal behaviors like personal space, body position and posture,
gestures, facial expressions, etc., provide important information about
another person’s inner world.
• Naturally (or intentionally) matching someone else’s nonverbal
behaviors in a subtle way can create a sense of safety and rapport.
• “Trying on” a person’s behaviors to see how they feel is a kind of
“mind reading” that enables someone else to step into the other
person’s world.
• Because language is linguistic shorthand about someone’s experience,
it has gaps in information. The NLP Meta Model provides a process to
gather missing details.
• “Zooming in” helps us focus on another person and understand their
world. “Zooming out,” when interactions feel a little tense, enables us
to give someone room to exhale and affords us the opportunity to go to
third position to objectively assess what’s going on.
• Noticing incongruities between what someone is saying and how
they’re saying it (how their body looks or what their tone sounds like)
is like approaching a yellow light; it pays to slow down and evaluate
the situation before rushing on.
• For better or worse, beliefs filter our experience. Most beliefs are
formed when we’re young and they still drive our behavior years later.
• Beliefs can be detected in people’s language.
• When we uncover beliefs, we have a chance to discover how they
influence us.
• Exploring a person’s goal-behind-the-goal (the meta-outcome) enables
to us to have greater insight into what’s most important to them.
• Paying close attention to someone’s language is one way to identify:
> that person’s preferred sensory channel
> the meta-programs that influence them
> how they are in relationship to time.
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/6-
1 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER SEVEN: MAKING YOUR POINT EASILY
How can I help people understand what I mean?
Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful than Thor
with his hammer. The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
—Henry David Thoreau
Much of the previous content has been dedicated to understanding how to
thaw things out in ourselves and in others. By learning how we process our
experience we thaw out our well-developed, well-intended foundation of
patterns. Making these automated and sometimes rigid patterns more fluid
readies our internal environment for change and enables us to bring our most
comfortable, congruent selves to any interaction. And by being genuinely
curious about how others process, we bring a welcome warmth, refreshing
honesty, and increased understanding to relationships.
This chapter is about connecting the dots—building on what you’ve learned
about yourself and others—to help you further enhance communication and
connections.
Chronicle: High Points of the Journey So Far
We’ve covered a lot of ground together so let’s quickly open our mental files so
we can easily connect previous concepts with new ones. Because you’re already
familiar with the content, the following refreshers appear as suggestions.
• Work from the inside out. First, notice what’s happening with you. Use
your NLP tools, especially sub-modalities, to change your emotional
reactions and improve your personal experience.
• When you’re comfortable and congruent, consider what’s happening
with others around you. Set your intent to focus on being interested,
not interesting.
• To signal that you are safe, use your body language and slightly
extended eye contact to show that you’re open and interested.
• To understand what someone really means and how it is in their world,
use the Meta Model to fill in gaps left by linguistic shorthand.
• Pay particular attention to other people’s nonverbal communications
and subtly mirror one or two of these behaviors by matching their
posture, gestures, rate of speech, or tone of voice.
• Notice people’s language, because it will reveal their preferred metaprograms and representational channel, their relationship to time, and
their beliefs—all of which give you insight into their worlds.
• When you hear a belief from someone, explore the related metaoutcomes and consider how that belief may be empowering or limiting
that person.
Because you’ve been practicing these behaviors, you’ve learned even more
about yourself—and others. This chapter will help you take your skills to the
next level and support you in making connections with others and being
understood.
It may surprise you to learn that getting people to “buy in”—to move them from
resisting—to listening and considering what you say actually doesn’t depend so
much on what you tell them. It’s more about what you get them to tell you—and
what goes on in their brains during that process.
A book called Just Listen beautifully illustrates this phenomena. The author,
Mark Goulston, is a psychiatrist who teaches hostage negotiation to many
different government agencies. He’s used to dealing with people under
tremendous stress. He says that the most important part of communicating with
somebody else is the quality of your listening skills—not what you say.
So, the way you and your message are received isn’t really influenced so much
by your haircut, what you wear, or the firmness of your handshake. It’s based on
how the other person feels when they’re with you. It’s based on how safe,
interesting, and felt they feel—and how you helped them feel that way. Sound
familiar?
Physical Connection:
How Touch Enhances Connections and Impact
Touch is one way you can influence a person’s experience of being with you and
their recollection of that connection. Because we talked about the power of touch
in earlier chapters, you may recall that waitresses, petition signature collectors,
and basketball teams that use appropriate touch enjoy improved results. Touch
will, without question, enhance your ability to warm up even casual connections.
For example, research has shown that babies don’t thrive if they’re not touched
and cuddled when they’re infants; their brains will not develop well and they
won’t gain the weight that they need to. In fact, the Touch Research Institute at
the University of Miami School of Medicine has carried out more than one
hundred studies and found evidence of the significant effects of touch—
including faster growth of premature babies, reduced pain, decreased
autoimmune disease symptoms, lowered glucose levels in children with diabetes,
and improved immune systems in people with cancer. All these benefits—just
from a nurse’s touch!
Cincinnati Children’s Hospital is one of a number of leading health centers in
the United States that now use healing touch therapy. Their director said,
“Research has demonstrated that patients who receive healing touch experience
accelerated wound healing, relaxation, pain relief, and general comfort.”
In addition to these details about research and touch, I’d like to share a personal
example of how touch left an impression on me. You may recall that in my first
meeting with my wife, she repeatedly touched my arm at the café and said,
“Tom, it was just the funniest thing.” All these years later, I can still feel that
spot on my arm.
When I was thinking about that gift, I realized that my father was like my wife in
the way he used touch. He was an immigrant from Assyria, who moved to the
States to enjoy greater safety and religious freedom. He was a big strong farm
boy, who went to UCLA and played football; later he became a preacher, and
ultimately, because he was a truly talented tenor, he became a professional
singer.
I grew up in the Los Angeles area right after World War II and noticed that my
dad was always throwing his arm around people and hugging them. At that time,
men here didn’t really do that. I remember noticing that his friends and
associates seemed kind of uncomfortable when my dad would embrace them, so
I asked my mom about it and she explained, “American men aren’t used to being
as demonstrative as your father is.”
But here’s the thing. Everybody loved my dad, everybody. They just lit up when
he came in. Because he gave people his full attention, he had an ability to make
each one feel very special. In addition to being brilliant and talented, he was the
kindest man I ever met. He brought heart to everything he did—and one of the
ways he showed his heart was to touch people. People around him felt the way I
feel when I’m around my wife.
So, what’s this have to do with you and why should you care?
Here’s my experience. I love my dad and I adore my wife, but I don’t think that
they’re really more magical than the rest of us. Well, maybe a little bit because
they had this instinct for touching people and making kinesthetic contact. But
it’s touch itself that’s really magical.
Since I’ve adopted my wife’s habit of touching others, I’ve substantially warmed
up my relationships in my family and among casual acquaintances. I will pat
somebody on the shoulder or touch their arm when I’m saying something—
particularly when greeting them, complimenting them, or saying good-bye. It
appears to be more than acceptable; it seems to deepen our connection.
This new habit of touching has also made me feel more at home with other
people. I feel more relaxed because I’ve had contact with them. I feel like we’re
more in the groove with each other. I end up joking with people more than I used
to, even when I’m waiting in line with complete strangers. Because of touch, I
end up making more human-level contacts, instead of connections that are
limited to my role in a particular situation.
So, if you haven’t experimented with touch already, make a commitment to do it
in your next two or three interactions. You can do it quietly, a little bit at a time,
so nobody needs to notice anything, until you’re comfortable reaching out to
others even more. Try to increase the number of times that you touch the people
around you. It can be as demonstrative and frequent as the ways my wife or my
dad used touch, or it can be just a quick friendly pat, but give it a try.
As you know, NLP calls these touches anchors. Anchors, when you do it this
way, just as it happened with my wife and me, are kind of little reminders that
you were there. Our skin is chock full of nerves, so touching and being touched
definitely brings us closer to each other. Again, these kinds of anchors are
completely subliminal and completely unconscious, so using the power of touch
will just leave people with the impression that you’re warmer or more relaxed or
more outgoing. Not bad, right?
Oxygen Mask First: How Managing Your
Inner State Keeps the Focus on Others
It’s impossible to overstate the importance of paying attention to and managing
your inner state. It’s like putting your own oxygen mask on first, right?
I confess, doing this didn’t come easily to me. As I told you, I’m a big guy, I
move kind of fast, and I’ve got a deep voice, so these qualities were an asset
when I was in the military. And I had developed a habit of being a bit blustery
and domineering. Then, while studying NLP, I became aware of the way I came
across to people and I wanted to change that.
So one of the things that I did during the NLP workshops was to learn how I
could enter a room and not be noticed. I wanted not to be distracting in any way
—so I wanted to enter the room without people noticing my arrival.
I practiced on a class of fifty NLP students that I was coaching. Any time I’d
been out of the room, I’d pause—and before I entered the classroom, I would
consciously check on and attend to my inner state. I’d put my virtual oxygen
mask on. I would purposely calm myself down, center myself—then open the
door and slip in. I graded myself by how many heads turned. And when I was
able to do this so that the only person who looked up was the one nearest the
door, I figured I’d gotten this part mastered. I could slip in like an expert high
diver who enters the water with only the slightest ripple.
For you, managing your inner state might mean bringing your energy up, rather
than quieting it down. If, for example, you tend to be a tentative or shy person,
you might want to amp up your energy. The way to do that, of course, is to think
about the other person. Imagine them feeling a lot like you do. After all, few of
us get enough attention. Each of us is out there pretty much on our own, playing
and fulfilling our different roles.
Nobody really expects that we’re going to pay attention to them. So before you
meet somebody, imagine in your mind, “I’m going to meet somebody
wonderful. I don’t know anything about them and this is going to be a game. I’m
going to enjoy learning as much as possible about them without it feeling like
they’ve just been in the third-degree hot seat.”
Your goal and your intention in meeting somebody are really what drive the
experience. After all, if you know what you want from the meeting and how you
want that process to feel, you have a clear and worthwhile focus. In this case,
getting to know the other person is your goal. This really frees you from
worrying if you have something in your teeth, if your fly is zipped, or if you’re
making a good first impression. Believe me, if you’re genuinely interested in the
other person and it shows, you will have their attention. They will enjoy being
around you.
So once you’re under control, take care to avoid a common pitfall of persuading.
When people try to persuade other people—when they get into selling, urging,
encouraging, and arguing—all of those behaviors make the other person feel
pushed. What’s lacking from most social interactions where a person feels
pressured is the opportunity to exhale, to just relax and ease into being with
people.
Think of the people whom you enjoy being around. Are they pushy? Needy?
Narcissistic? Or are they calm, relaxed, centered in themselves, and genuinely
interested in you? Just think about that. Your intent is to help the other person
feel safe, relaxed, and at home with you. So, instead of accelerating the energy,
you want to step back a little to give them some psychological air, and if you
feel like you’re picking up too much speed, “zoom out” and briefly visit third
position to assess how the interaction is going.
Your ability to use a person’s name in conversation, to use extended eye contact
and touch, and to match their nonverbals and their language are charmers. Once
the other person feels safe and felt, you can show more interest in them in terms
of asking them questions about what they do, what they like, what would it be
like if they could do, have, or be something different, and what that will do for
them; then listen and just let the other person run with it. As they do, they’ll give
you more information about themselves—and you can ask more follow-up
questions.
People who are busy with their stories and their talk about “me, me, me” are the
ones who give the impression of being insecure. They often turn others off
because they don’t seem to be interested in anyone but themselves. People who
try to be interesting (and I was guilty of this in the past) are probably insecure.
People who are self-assured are interested. That’s the big difference. To be
genuinely interested in someone else allows you to feel self-assured. It gives you
information and it creates the impression that you are self-assured, open, and
safe.
So, when you’re talking with people, in addition to the questions you learned in
Chapter 5, you want to ask questions that get at how they feel or think about
something, as well as what they’ve done in the past or might like to have happen
in the future. As they answer, they begin to feel known by you. And as they
become known by you, they’ll be more comfortable and will share even more of
themselves with you. Cool, right?
Rules of the Road:
Quick Tips to Navigate Uncharted Territory
Before we explore challenging and sometimes difficult situations, where
persuading may feel more like negotiating, here are a few simple rules to keep in
mind.
1. Don’t interrupt. When somebody starts talking, let them go. Be mindful to
keep the flow going and manage any desire to think “out loud.”
2. Don’t ever contradict. If they say something that you feel you ethically have
to take issue with, a better way of doing this is to agree with their viewpoint
—say, “That’s an interesting viewpoint. I understand that, and I wonder if
this would also be possible, or if this has any interest or validity for you.”
(Since I’ve been able to adopt the attitude that whatever anyone says is
interesting and fits in with their world, I find I no longer feel compelled to
contradict or correct them.)
A long time ago, I read about something Thomas Jefferson said he learned
from Benjamin Franklin: “Never take issue with another man. If you prove
him wrong, you’ve made an enemy for life, and if he proves you wrong he’ll
think you a fool.” Thomas Jefferson said that Ben Franklin was the best-loved
man in the colonies because he was the least argumentative. Interesting, isn’t
it? And it’s kind of a little nod to the principles of NLP.
3. Avoid using the words but, why, and phrases starting with you. Replacing the
word but with and usually encourages discussion. Here’s the reason: when
you use the word but in a sentence, its job is to negate everything that went
before that. You can say, “I understand where you’re coming from, but I feel
differently.” As soon as you say the word but, it means everything that went
before that is a lie; it negates a whole part of your statement. People know
this and still many people use it—letting it negatively impact their rapport
and their message.
Because why is also a word that often makes people feel challenged or even
attacked, it can undermine the feelings of safety and comfort that you’ve
worked so hard to create. Think about it. “Why do you do that? Why did you
wear that? Why do you think that?” Why doesn’t support feelings of rapport.
If you must use it, if there’s no other way to ask about something specific,
then soften it by saying, “I wonder why that’s so. What do you think?” Much
better words to use are who, what, when, where, and how.
Imagine that someone (even you?) has an issue that sounds like this: “Why
does this keep happening to me?” or “Why do I always get the short end of
the stick?” To answer this question, the unconscious mind has to agree that
the person always gets the short end of the stick; so it will produce a reason,
even if it’s not true. “Why” means there’s no dispute, so the mind will make
up a reason, which further cements the feeling or belief.
Although I discovered that “why” questions were good to ask when I was
doing product development—“Why does this thing keep blowing up?”—I
discovered that it’s definitely not useful in building relationships. So I trained
myself to substitute “How come?” for “Why?” and I recommend that you
play with this or find an alternative that works for you.
Starting a sentence with the word you is less black-and-white in its effect.
You can use you in conversation easily. “You have a great tan. I’ll bet you
had a great time on vacation.” The problem is when you start with the word
you, it can sound accusatory. “You always do this. You did that.” Unless it’s
a compliment, there are very few sentences beginning with the word you that
are going to put people at ease.
4. Get the other person’s name and repeat it so you can remember it; then use it
during your conversation.
5. Parrot the other person. All you need to do when they say something is repeat
the last two or three words as a question. For instance, if somebody says,
“I’m really tired today,” all you have to say is “Tired?” and that will invite
them to go on and explain more about what made them so tired. Were they
out late? Did they run a marathon? Are they having trouble sleeping?
Parroting invites them to give you more of a glimpse into their world.
You might imagine that simply repeating someone’s words will make the
other person feel mimicked. Yet, if you do repeat their words back to them,
without any interpretation, they’ll really feel heard. You can also do this in a
conversational way. If, for example, I said to someone, “How’s your day
going?” and they said, “Oh, don’t ask,” then I would say, “Okay, now I’ve
got to ask. How’s your day been? What made you say that?”
6. Dig deeper. If you’re pretty comfortable with the person, you can even just
say, “Because?” or “And that was because?” and see what they tell you.
These are nice ways of saying “why?” and it leads them to give you more of a
story. What you want is to avoid questions that have a yes-or-no answer.
7. Open the door to possibility. If somebody says, “Oh, I couldn’t do that,” say
“Oh, I know it’s too hard, it’s almost unthinkable, but I’m wondering, what
would it be like if you could?” The underlying sense of that phrase is “I agree
with you. I’m not disagreeing with you. I agree with you that you can’t, but
I’m curious. I wonder what would it be like if you could.”
Here’s an interesting thing about the way humans work. Whenever we hear a
question, we’re inclined to answer; we almost can’t help doing this. Even if
we don’t respond out loud, we answer the question in our heads.
For example, if I were to say, “I wonder what your father would look like if
he had green hair. Imagine that your father was there in a picture out in front
of you; if he was standing maybe ten feet away from you with green hair,
would it be light green or dark green? I don’t know; what would it look like?
Would his eyebrows match his hair?” Now your brain is making images—
because that’s the way brains work.
So questions are really powerful tools for guiding experience. You just want
to make sure that when you’re guiding someone’s inner experience you’re
guiding them in a direction that will be pleasant for them to experience, so
they’ll like being around you.
Suppose someone lets me know how their day went, saying, “My boss was
really short-tempered today. I think something is going on. He gave me an
assignment and wouldn’t give me any direction on how to do it.” I’d say,
“Oh, so you got an assignment and you didn’t get the information on how to
do it,” and they’d say, “Yeah,” and then they’ll go on! The point is, they will
feel that you really understand them. Because they feel heard, they’re likely
to tell you more.
8. At some point during this exchange, I could also say, “If I were you in that
situation, that would make me feel pretty frustrated—or I might feel
unappreciated.” Using “feeling” words helps someone feel felt. As soon as
you do that you’ve crossed over, and at some point in the conversation—and
this happens time and time again—the other person leans forward and starts
to talk. When that happens, that’s the exhale. This is the point where you can
talk.
9. Check for agreement. If you have something to propose, do so—and then
check for agreement. For example, you might say, “How do you feel about
this solution?” If the other person is hesitant or unwilling to reach an
agreement, ask them, “What changes would you like to see that would make
the agreement more acceptable, more fair?”
These nine recommendations will help you navigate the unpredictable waters of
communication. When you’re listening to another person, remember that it’s
always useful to ask yourself, “What has to be going on in that person’s world
for this to be true for them?” This question not only gives you a shot of empathy
for the other person, it also gives you an insight into how they may be feeling.
The Local Language: How to Communicate According
to Someone Else’s Preferences
As you know, our language shows how we construct our thoughts, our inner
reality—whether that’s mostly through pictures, words and stories, feelings, or
even scents or tastes. In Chapter 6, you learned that the predicates people use,
their meta-programs, the way they reference time, and the beliefs they state as
fact, reveal what’s true for them. These details provide clues for how to deepen
rapport and be persuasive.
There’s an old saying, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Each of us has
preferred modes of speech that reveal our preferred sensory arena. Once you
know how someone is processing their experience, you can adapt your language
to be more like theirs, right? That gives you a lot of power to connect with them,
to have them feel that you are on their side, that you understand them. A funny
thing is that when you step this far into someone else’s world, you really do
become more simpatico. You genuinely have a deeper understanding of their
world—and consequently a greater appreciation for them as a person.
Let’s explore an example of discovering and using someone’s preferred channel
of experience as revealed in the predicates they use.
ADAPTING TO PREFERRED REPRESENTATIONAL CHANNELS
Imagine that someone uses a lot of visual language. “It was clear as day to me.”
“It was the blackest sky” or “It looked completely wrong.” How could you show
them that you’re on the same page?
If you’re a highly visual person, too, this might be easy. But what if you were
kinesthetic; would that feel like more of a stretch? (Remember, as kinesthetic
processor you might naturally say, “I’m following you” or “That makes sense to
me.”) By shifting from your natural preference into theirs, you could say, “I see
what you mean . . . I can imagine that . . .” or “That’s crystal clear to me.” And if
you wanted to further explore what they were talking about, you might say, “I’m
trying to get a clear picture of what you’re looking for. Please tell me more about
what you’d like to see happen. Can you shed some light on that?”
A salesperson selling a car to this visual person might say, “This car looks like it
meets all the criteria on your list. Can’t you just see yourself driving it? Imagine
how great it would be to use this car for your summer vacations. I’d love to see a
photo of your family in it when you go the Grand Canyon next month.” If he
wasn’t getting a favorable response after showing them the car’s features, the
salesman could say, “It appears to me like you’re hesitant, that this one’s not
exactly what you’re looking for. I can keep an eye out for a car like this in that
deep blue color you like . . .”
Speaking someone’s language makes it easier for them to get the message you’re
sending simply because they have less to translate into their preferred channel of
processing.
Discovery Activity:
Using Predicates of Preferred Channels
So, how can you learn to speak someone else’s language? Practice. Because
making the adjustment may not come naturally to you, think of it as a game.
Play with the language rather than be concerned whether it’s right or wrong. Just
for fun, read items 1a, 2a, and 3a. Then complete items 1b, 2b, and 3b to produce
a short list of conversational phrases that you often hear. For example, after
reading the sample visual word, you might write “I see what you mean” or “Feel
free to look around” in the space provided in 1b. You can refer to (and add to)
these whenever you’re writing or when you want to adapt your language to
someone else’s preferred channel.
1A: LOOK AT THESE SAMPLE VISUAL WORDS
Descriptors: clear/cloudy, light/dark, colorful/drab, big/little
Verbs: imagine, envision, see, watch
Nouns: vision, snapshot, picture, image
1B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL VISUAL PHRASES YOU CAN IMAGINE
2A: LISTEN TO THESE SAMPLE AUDITORY WORDS
Descriptors: loud/quiet, harmonious, dissonant, clear/flat
Verbs: whisper/shout, hear/listen, sing, echo
Nouns: sound/note, noise, tenor/tone, pitch
2B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL AUDITORY PHRASES YOU CAN RECALL
3A: TRY ON THESE SAMPLE KINESTHETIC WORDS
Descriptors: scary/inviting, chaotic/calm, sad/funny, good/bad
Verbs: sense/feel, reach/grab, kiss/slap, fly/fall
Nouns: impact, turnaround, crash, exploration
3B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL KINESTHETIC PHRASES YOU FEEL ARE ON
TARGET
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/7-1.
Adapting to Meta-Program Preferences
Adjusting your communication style can go a long way to creating harmony at
work or at home. If someone’s meta-program preferences are different from
yours, try on theirs—and demonstrate your increasing flexibility by
communicating in theirs. Let’s take an example.
Imagine that your natural preference is specific and away-from and that your
boss, who wants an update on a project you’re working on, is a toward and
general-oriented guy. You’ve noticed in the past that when you explain what
you’ve been doing and spell out all the details, he kind of glazes over midway
through your update. You’d like to avoid getting that reaction—and to feel more
comfortable providing him with the information he wants. So, what can you do?
You could step into his shoes by asking yourself, “What’s important to him
about this project and what concerns might he have about it?” In trying to
answer this question, you might reflect back to what he told you when you got
the project and what his vision for it was—or even recall questions he’s asked
you during other project updates. Once you’ve identified some of your
supervisor’s criteria related to this project, you could make a brief outline that
enables you to gift-wrap your succinct update in terms of his criteria. Give him
the high points and be prepared to provide relevant details if asked.
Continuing with the scenario, imagine that you need your supervisor’s support to
light a fire under another department manager who looks like he won’t deliver
his group’s part of the project at the agreed-upon time—which will really put
you and your team up against a wall. If your boss is toward and you’re awayfrom, you’d want to phrase your request accordingly, right?
You might want to say, “It’s really a burden for my team when Bill’s department
drags their feet and makes it hard to meet the deadline. Can you do something?”
But it would be more effective to say, “I know that this project is key to the new
product launch. It’s so exciting that we’ll be the first in our industry to introduce
this innovative tool. Can you help Bill’s group stay focused on the target—so the
whole project team can meet its deadline? I want to make sure we enjoy the
longest window of opportunity we can.” That’s pretty different, right? Which
one do you think would get the boss to encourage Bill’s group to step things up?
These kinds of adjustments aren’t just helpful at work—you’ll find them helpful
in all your relationships. Imagine that you and your significant other want to
purchase a house. In this scenario, you’re proactive and toward. You’ve found a
house you like and are ready to move forward. Because your mate is more awayfrom and external you might want to say, “Let’s get going on this right away;
this house is really perfect for us. I can see us living there.”
After stepping into your significant other’s world, you might say instead,
“Buying a house is a big decision for us. It seems like there are a lot of things we
really like about this place and I don’t think either of us wants to lose it to
someone else. I’m wondering what kind of support will help us be more certain
about our decision. Didn’t your sister just buy a great house? Maybe she has
some ideas, or what about Lee from your book group who used to be a Realtor?”
This second approach reflects the significant other’s world and is more likely to
get a favorable response than “Let’s do this”—isn’t it?
Adapting to Time Differences
If someone you love or work with has a very different relationship to time, this
can create some serious conflict. Part of this discord comes from the meaning we
attach to these differences. Imagine, for example, that you are someone who’s
through time and your best friend is in time. Because of this difference, you
often find yourself at a restaurant waiting twenty minutes before he shows up.
You might interpret their being late any number of ways. “He’s so inconsiderate.
He doesn’t really want to spend time with me. I’m never as important as his
work.” Any of these things might be true but it’s just as likely that because he’s
in time, he gets caught up in the present moment. He actually is unaware of what
time it is, or how much time he needs to allot to the process of stopping what
he’s doing and getting on the road to meet you on time. He’s only thinking about
right now.
This difference might turn out to be a deal breaker for you; if it’s not, what are
some ways you could adapt your behavior and influence his? How could you try
on what it’s like to be more in the present moment? What would make you more
comfortable during the times you are waiting for him to join you? Could you
bring a book or play a game on your phone? If you’re home, could you take that
time to talk with a friend on the phone? How could you enjoy the waiting, so
you’re not telling yourself a story about why he’s late or feeding the negative
emotions that sometimes come up while waiting?
Perhaps you clearly identify occasions where it’s critical that he’s on time—such
as meeting your parents for dinner or leaving for the airport two and a half hours
before the flight. Maybe your partner would be open to setting a reminder alarm
on his phone fifteen minutes before he needs to leave to meet you. Identifying
nonnegotiables and useful tools can help you meet in the middle, because asking
an in-time person to be on time all the time could require more prompting than
either of you would like.
Talking About Different Beliefs
Communicating about beliefs is fascinating, simply because someone else’s can
be so different from your own. Asking yourself, “What has to be going on in that
person’s world for this to be true for them?” is especially helpful when it comes
to differences of opinion—or differences in beliefs.
As you now know, beliefs are mostly out of a person’s awareness and are stated
as fact. Because these ideas shape the person’s view of the world, they are often
dearly held—and can become a source of conflict.
Recently, I had a difference of opinion with a family member, and they were
being pretty aggressive with their viewpoint, so I said, “And it could be
something else. I’m just curious to know if you ever considered these
possibilities.” What I said might have, but didn’t, make things better.
As things got hotter and hotter, I finally said, “You know, I bet you feel like I’m
attacking you, and I’m getting the feeling you’re attacking me. I don’t want to
attack you and I bet you don’t want to attack me. I think we’re reacting, not from
our hearts now, but from our fears. Could we restart this conversation and get on
the same side and just share what we feel and what we think?”
And he responded with “Oh yeah, sure, you’re right. This is getting to be too
much of a pain in the neck.” He was really relieved when I suggested this, and it
paid off for both of us. (In Chapter 8, you’ll learn more ways to manage
conflict.)
As a reminder, the first two rules of the road are critical when there’s friction:
don’t interrupt, and don’t contradict. I confess that, in the past, when I felt
criticized, I’d contradict or get defensive. I felt compelled to stand up for myself
—or to immediately give the other person solutions for their problem. I learned
the hard way that having all the answers may earn someone a gold star in grade
school, but in adult conversation, it’s not appreciated.
What is appreciated most often is to let the other person vent. Until they’ve
completely vented, they don’t want you to talk. Once they seem to wind down,
say, “Tell me more.” That’s the magic phrase.
In my personal and professional life, when I say either “Can you say more about
that?” or “Tell me more,” the person I’m talking with is usually responsive.
Phrasing my requests this way brings me a lot more information, allows the
person to settle down inside themselves, and sometimes reveals what it is they’re
thinking or what it is they’re wrestling with. To really understand what’s going
on with the other person, continue to invite the other person to tell you more
until they feel completely heard.
A New View:
How the Process of Reframing Expands Possibilities
When you’re talking with someone who is experiencing some kind of difficulty,
you can hear it in their language and use a beautiful strategy called “Reframing.”
Simply put, reframing is looking at a statement someone has made—then finding
a more positive way to say it.
For example, if someone says, “I just can’t get out of my own way today,” you
could say, “Oh, you can’t get out of your own way today? What would it be like
if you could?” Then their attention diverts to if they could, because questions are
a very effective way of directing someone’s thinking (including yours).
Have they tripped themselves up physically? Are they dropping papers all over
the floor? Is their mind hard to focus? Have they said things they wish they
hadn’t? There are so many missing details. As you may recall from Chapter 6’s
discussion of the Meta Model, this is a place where you want to get more
information.
Imagine that you do get some additional information and the person says, “Well,
I just feel kind of down today. I don’t feel like anything I do is going to work out
well.”
Then I might say something like, “Wow. When I have a feeling like that, I’m
just wondering if there’s something in there I should listen to.” Now I’ve
reframed it from just a down, defeated feeling to “Oh, maybe there’s an
interesting hint or an intuition in there. I should search for it,” rather than to just
say, “There, there—just ignore that. Just try to forget about it.”
It’s important to really listen and consider what somebody says. If they said,
“I’m so sick of driving this beat-up old car,” I might say, “I know—and I think
you were really smart to keep driving that car instead of putting money into a
new one while you’re going to school.”
There are ways of shifting what the person says—by changing the context or
meaning they’ve made—so there’s a new possibility that makes sense. Either
way, what you want to do is just offer a different perspective on what they said
—because we need to loosen things up a little.
I recommend being modest in your ambitions with these shifts. Expecting people
to turn on a dime isn’t really reasonable or practical. If you can just loosen things
up a little when someone has a stiff set of beliefs—or if the beliefs are in their
way or are an obstacle between the two of you—you’re offering them more
choices.
Sometimes just asking a question creates a desired change. Perhaps you can help
people to loosen up a bad mood by inviting them to consider how they’d feel if
they were in a better mood—by asking them what might need to take place for
them to be in a better mood—or by inquiring what sort of shift in their thinking
would result in a better mood.
Okay, so what has all of this got to do with persuading people?
When you make people feel better by genuinely getting in harmony with them
and attending to their feelings—so it’s about them and not you—guess what
happens? They feel more comfortable with you, which makes them more
receptive to you and what you have to say. According to Robert Cialdini, the
author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, these individuals will want
to return the favor at some point simply because humans have an instinct for
reciprocity.
So imagine that someone said, “I can’t ‘X.’ ” To reframe their statement for
them, you could say, “Oh, so you want to ‘X.’ ”
This may seem contrary, but here’s why it’s so effective. If they said, “I can’t
‘X,’ ” they must want to “X” or they wouldn’t be complaining about not being
able to, right? By saying, “Oh, so you want to ‘X,’ ” you’ve agreed with them
that they want to: you demonstrated understanding them. At the very same time,
you’ve also moved their brain’s focus from something that was impossible to
something they want.
Let me share an example of a simple reframe that my friend Tom Dotz did with
an acquaintance at his favorite restaurant. While he was waiting for his friend,
the hostess came over to say hello. When he asked her how things were going
for her, she let out a big sigh and said, “Well, I just turned twenty-nine and I
really don’t know what I want to do with my life.”
Because she sounded a bit depressed, Tom was hoping to help her shift to a more
positive feeling, so he asked her, “Well, if you did know what you really wanted,
what would that be?”
Without missing a beat, she said, “I’d go to the Parsons School of Design and
get my art degree.” This desire seemed so clear to Tom that he was puzzled and
asked, “Well, what stops you?”
She said, “It would take five years and I’ve be thirty-four.”
At that point, her expression was bordering on despair so Tom said, “So let me
get this straight. You really want to go to art school, but you’re twenty-nine now,
and you’d be thirty-four when you finished, right?”
“Yes” was the quick reply.
Then he said, “So what’s really true is that in five years you’ll be thirty-four.
Your choice is simply that you’ll either be thirty-four with your art degree, or
you’ll be thirty-four without it.”
A look of astonishment came over her face just as Tom’s friend arrived at the
table. At this point, his conversation with the hostess was interrupted and she
excused herself. Tom told me that he never thought much about this brief
exchange until a few months later, when he went back to the restaurant. As soon
as the hostess saw Tom, her face lit up and she rushed over to him. Before he
could even say hello, she smiled and said, “You changed my life!”
Because this looked like good news to Tom, he asked, “How so?” At this point
she described the brief conversation they’d had and proudly said, “Thanks to
you, I applied to Parsons. I’ve been accepted, and I start school this fall! I’ve
only got three more weeks here and I’ll be moving back east.” Then she gave
Tom a big hug and led him and his friend to their table.
It was just a quick chat, right? How could it have such a powerful impact as to
change a person’s life? Here’s how: when you make this tiny shift in someone’s
attention, it engages a whole different part of that person’s brain. They move
from being stuck to actually considering other possibilities. And to help them
along, as you notice them beginning (within five or ten seconds) to consider
possibilities, you could say, “I know you can’t but I’m curious, what would it be
like if you could?” Then “That sounds great. What would be necessary? Would
it take more planning or more time, or do you need more connections or money?
What do you think? What would it take?”
As you know from earlier chapters, questions like “What would you like
instead?” or “What’s important to you about that?” also open people’s minds—
and open the door to other possibilities.
As someone starts thinking, more and more of the brain is engaged—their blood
chemistry changes and their mood changes. Even if you just stopped after the
first reframe and didn’t continue to explore possibilities, you will have left
somebody in a more positive, hopeful, optimistic state of mind—when before
they were negative, turned off, and limiting themselves.
Here’s why even a small reframe can make a big difference: When somebody’s
angry or frustrated, they cannot be curious. People can’t have those two
emotions at the same time—and curiosity is the natural course of creativity—not
anger and frustration. You have a lot more neurons available when you’re
curious about something.
Super-Glue Removal:
How to Loosen and “Unstick” Beliefs
Even though curiosity is a powerful tool for “unsticking” yourself or someone
else, a firmly held belief can be even more powerful. Some beliefs have a really
strong grip. So if I were going to help someone with a difficulty, the first thing
I’d do is unpack the belief itself. How is the belief expressed? In other words,
what is the reality that this person sees or hears or feels?
Is it a voice in their head, or an image, or a feeling—perhaps one they “just can’t
shake”? For instance, when it’s an image, I’ve found that when they can really
look at the image associated with the belief, it’s turned out to be a bogus mental
movie that just loops around and around, playing over and over. It has an impact
simply because it’s stuck in the unconscious. Since it’s usually unconscious, the
client is usually only aware of the feelings the mental movie “loop” causes. And
then those negative feelings tend to get associated with whatever happens to be
going on in his present experience.
Their World: Understanding Someone’s Belief
Let’s explore an example of how this unpacking process might unfold. A person
can say, “I have low self-confidence,” but I don’t know what that means to them.
I can’t duplicate their experience in my brain based on that statement. Could
you? Probably not. Then I might say, “Okay, I get that you have low selfconfidence. Can you tell me a little more about how you experience that?” My
ambition at this point is to get enough information, and specific enough
information, so I can re-create that experience and that feeling myself.
Then I try on what they tell me, and see what that’s like. For example, it might
be an inner dialogue that sounds like this: “Okay, so if I hear the voice of my
college teacher, my mom, or whoever it was, telling me I’ll never amount to
anything, and I hear it coming from behind and above my head, and I hear it just
as I’m about to step out onstage, yeah, that would probably bug the hell out of
me. That would definitely limit me.”
So now I can say to that person, “Okay, I can understand that. I can re-create that
experience for myself, using my body and my own senses as an instrument. Now
I can understand and appreciate how you must feel.”
The key is to realize that people give us very high-level condensed reports on
their inner process because they don’t know what their inner process is. But
when we help them slow the process down, they can give some key details and
we can ask enough questions to understand how they create this internal
experience for themselves. Then we do two things.
First, we try to replicate that process in ourselves. We try it on and continue to
gather information until we can re-create their experience. Second, we look for
the positive intention behind this experience, because nobody has an inner
enemy. People have a lot of habits that in the present are completely unwelcome
and inappropriate, yet when you find the part that is maintaining that pattern,
you’ll find a positive intention.
Two Cases in Point: Exploring, Finding, and Shifting a Belief
I had a thirty-four-year-old client who didn’t want to talk in public. Because he
was a teacher, he had to. Fortunately, he managed to find himself a niche where
he could do almost all of his work in writing and when he was in class, he
basically read from his notes. He didn’t really give a presentation at all.
In talking with him, I found out that he’d once, as a little kid, given a
presentation at his church. Afterward, although he thought he’d done well, he
discovered that his mother was very embarrassed for him. Now, I don’t know
how he really did (probably nobody knows), but he initially thought he did well.
People applauded after his presentation, but his mother was embarrassed because
he mispronounced or forgot something—and she made a point of bringing this to
his attention.
Even though his mother’s intention was probably to help him do better on his
next presentation, the shock of her embarrassment went into his experience—
and part of his brain said, “Boy, I’m never going to do this again.” So for
decades he carried this inhibition about talking out loud in front of a group.
As he and I worked together, we found that piece of inner dialogue and came to
understand that its positive intention was to keep him from disappointing his
mother. His mother had been present at all of his graduations, had been
applauding him when he got his doctorate degree, and was now living in a house
that he’d purchased for her from his earnings as a college professor.
Although his adult mind knew that she was proud of him, this other part had still
been operating. Once he could understand that this childhood belief was just
linked to trying to protect him as a little boy—a protection he no longer needed
—it went away and so did the inhibition. From that point on, he was able to
make an effective presentation, not just read his notes and avoid the audience.
In contrast, I worked with a thirty-eight-year-old attorney who had stage fright
about having to talk in front of a board of directors. It turns out what inhibited
him was not a voice, but an image. In our discussions, we explored the last time
he made an important group presentation. The way he had this filed in his mind
was as a picture of him in the well of one of those Victorian-era operating
rooms. He was at the bottom, and the seats in the amphitheater around him were
raised—so the audience was looking down on him from twenty feet above.
He was down at the bottom and he was about three feet tall. And when he looked
up at the seats around him, there weren’t people in these seats. They were all like
Easter Island figures—these imposing stone statues of odd-shaped heads—and
the eyes were all blank.
When I reproduced that image, I could tell him with sincerity and compassion
that seeing this in my mind’s eye made me feel very unsettled, too. When we
examined this unconscious image, we were able to identify the initial positive
intention and update his self-image and the way he thinks and feels about
speaking to the board of directors or anyone with authority.
When we’re trying to help ourselves (or someone else) process differently, it’s a
trap to think that there’s a cut-and-dried fix for every condition. There’s not.
However, because so many of these conditions can be traced back to similar
causes, you only need a small set of tools to help make these shifts. We’re all
just flavoring our memories and our conversations and our conclusions from past
experience. We’re generalizing them so that we can operate on them in the
future using those principles that we define for ourselves. “That’s the way the
world is, or that’s how the world’s always going to treat me.”
In an attempt to automate that behavior—like we automate tying our shoes—we
make assumptions that can sometimes be limiting to us. So it’s always wise to
say, “Tell me more,” rather than focus on a technique or solution. You’ll
discover that your voracious curiosity for understanding how another human
being works is such a gift.
Understanding is always about someone’s process. Because it’s easy to be
seduced by words and content, we might sincerely relate to someone’s
experience and be excited to move directly to a solution. Replicating another
person’s process in sensory terms is always the key to really getting their reality.
Because you now understand how your own mind works, you’ll remember as
they tell you about their process that it, too, can be broken down into feelings,
sounds, pictures, tastes, and smells. So when a person gives a really general
complaint, like “Well, you know, I don’t get this job, I can’t do it,” you
recognize that this is way too limited; you can’t do anything with it.
After all, when people generalize about their limits, they’ve taken themselves
out of human experience. What you want to do is take a person to the last time
they actually felt the feelings they’re describing to you, so they can feel it again.
At this point, they can tell you what’s going on. They can’t tell you at the outset,
so you have to guide them back there.
“When was a time this happened for you?”
“Oh, it happened to me last week.”
“Oh? Tell me about it.” Then you watch and listen. You hear the words, you
hear how they’re chosen, and you hear the assumptions in their language. You
do this because you’re trying to become them—to understand how they create
this feeling themselves.
My experience of unpacking beliefs and exploring difficulties is that the first,
second, and third steps usually involve getting a complaint that’s expressed in
high-level terms like “I’m detached. I’m uninvolved.” You’ll get these abstract
conclusions that you must pare down into specific pictures, sounds, and feelings
that you can reproduce in your own mind and body. Once you can do that, you
have the information you need to help yourself—or someone else—make a
positive shift.
It’s Kind of Like That:
How Metaphors and Stories Support Shifts
Metaphor is another powerful and fun way to help people shift or change their
attitudes and attention. It’s no accident that we’ve been telling each other stories
since the days that tribes sat around campfires. They’d stare into the flames and
tell each other what happened on the hunt, what happened with the baby back at
home while you were out on the hunt, and what so-and-so said or did.
If you think about it, there are thousands and thousands of stories in your life—
family stories, work stories, community stories, world stories. Let’s take a
simple story like Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack’s mom tells him to go sell the cow
because they need money, they need to get firewood, and he gets talked into
trading the cow for three magic beans.
So she spanks him with a wooden spoon and puts him to bed without supper, and
she’s brokenhearted because she lost the cow and this idiot boy came back with
beans. She throws them out the window—and the next morning there’s a huge
beanstalk.
Jack, who’s not going to be real welcome at the breakfast table anyway, gets
curious so he climbs the beanstalk. He climbs it and climbs it, and gets up above
the clouds, and he’s in this magical realm where everything is much larger than
it is down where he lives. The chairs are bigger and everything’s bigger—and, of
course, this is a place that’s lived in by a giant.
The harp, who is the giant’s captive, tells him where the giant keeps his gold and
then helps Jack escape. So, as they go back down the beanstalk, they’re being
chased by the giant, who’s roaring that he’s going to kill them, and then Jack
chops down the beanstalk and the giant falls and is destroyed.
When hearing this, did you at any time think you were the giant? Probably not.
You took on the identity of Jack. You went and got conned out of your mom’s
cow for the beans. You came back home and you went to bed without supper,
and the next morning you climbed the beanstalk.
Here’s why that happens. The human brain usually identifies with the hero. Each
of us is the star of our own lives, right? We all know that. This is more than just
a platitude. This is an operating psychological reality: We each live in the center
of a world that’s created in our own minds. We’re pulled out of that world
sometimes—if we’re at the movies, watching TV, immersed in a book, or
sometimes if we’re with someone else—but generally, we’re in the center of a
world of our own making.
So why is this important now? The way we bridge the gap from one soul, from
one mind to another, from one heart to another, is with our senses and with the
skills that we’ve talked about so far. We reach out and touch one another. We
look into each other’s eyes. We get into rapport. We share our experiences with
each other.
One of the nicest and most neutral ways to exchange information is to tell a
story. Most stories are interesting, right? However, if the story is told by a
narcissist, then the story is all about “me, me, me”—and that’s probably not
going to be very interesting.
It can be a story that happened to you and yet it’s not all about you, you, you.
It’s just about something that happened. If you’re simply a normal mortal in the
story, you can be astonished, surprised, embarrassed, afraid, frustrated, and the
other person will go right along with that because they’ll feel the same way.
Stories can entertain, inform, educate, and unite people. You can use stories to
help someone make a shift. As you know, when we try to persuade someone,
they often experience us as pushy—then they push back. You, in turn, might
want to try harder. This pushing can become a vicious cycle where nobody can
win. What you need to do is step back a little and maybe even zoom out to third
position to objectively check things out. But at some point, should you want to
make a point, you can simply tell a story.
Once Upon a Time: A Case in Point
With my grown daughter, I used to try to strongly suggest that she do certain
things. After all, I’m a generation older. I know how a lot of this stuff turns out,
but that doesn’t get me anything because (surprise, surprise) she wants to lead
her own life. She’s not interested in letting me lead her life, or letting me get a
second shot at leading my own, and she’s right.
So what I’ve learned to do is listen and then—kind of as an afterthought—say,
“Look, I don’t know if this will work for you, but this worked for me once. It’s
something you might think about, or not. It’s up to you,” and I just leave it at
that.
Sometimes a story about someone else’s challenge and success is even more
effective than a story about your own experience. If I had a relevant example, I
could say, “You know, I had a client who had a similar challenge in her work.
She’s not you, and your situation is different, but this is what happened . . .”
Then I’d tell her the story of this woman who was being hit on by her boss, or
someone who’d gotten credit for work she’d done stolen from her, or a guy
whose customer had unreasonable expectations. I’d tell her some story that
related to the work situation that we were discussing.
Here’s the beautiful part about a story. My daughter could be saying in her mind
or she could be saying out loud to me, “Dad, I don’t need any help with this. I’ve
got it. Thanks. I can deal with it. I’m a grown woman,” all of which is true
because she’s a superb woman. But even if she’s quietly protesting, she’s going
to hear the story anyway out of politeness. And as she hears the story, she’s
going to identify with that other client that I was talking about, and she’s going
to experience what that other client experienced. She’s going to experience a
success. So in her mind, no matter what her attitude, she will have tried that
solution on.
A Book and Its Cover: How Appearance and
Environment Are Clues to Other Worlds
I won’t say that people are like an open book, because while some folks are easy
to understand, others remain a mystery. Often, though, the cover of the book will
attract you and reflect something about the quality of the read itself, and the
same is true with people.
Here’s another example of how metaphor works in our lives. Let’s say that
you’re out to dinner with friends and you’re joined by somebody you don’t
know, a friend of a friend. The person is introduced to you as somebody that you
might want to get better acquainted with, maybe because you could help each
other professionally, or because you want to learn a skill they have, or because
you have common interests and connections, or for some other reason he or she
is somebody that you’d be interested in knowing better.
Because each of us lives in metaphor, one of the first things you want to do is
just to look at them. Our whole lives are a metaphor for what we believe and
how we live. We each tell ourselves a story about our lives, and we dress
according to that inner story. Our choice of clothes, hairstyle, jewelry, shoes
—everything reflects that story. Although we may sometimes feel like these
choices are forced on us, they aren’t. In a life where there are millions and
millions and millions of free choices, people are often astonished at how
consistently those choices will reinforce their personal metaphors.
A Case in Point: Personal Appearance
I’ll give you an example. I like personal comfort. I’ve had many jobs where I
was on my feet all day. I’ve been in a lot of service occupations and I’ve been in
management for about forty-five years now, usually moving around. So I used to
wear moccasins a lot. I’m casual, obviously. I don’t wear starched white shirts
and neckties. Now I wear Merrells, which are walking shoes that I can slip in
and out of easily. I wear Levi’s, khakis, or cargo pants, and I like wearing shirts
that have two pockets on the front. They’re handy for me. I’m a guy who’s had
lots of different occupations that frequently involved tools so I like to carry a lot
of stuff with me.
So what does that make me? That makes me kind of an explorer, a person who
likes to go on adventures like safaris. I’ve got a little knife in my pocket with a
little flashlight attached, I have a cool pen that does different things, I have a tiny
screwdriver that works on machines and my glasses. You get the picture, right? I
try to be ready for just about everything, like a Boy Scout. So you could say a lot
of things about me just from the way I’m dressed and the way I present myself—
and these observations would help you know how to approach me to make me
feel comfortable and interesting, right?
One of the ways to get to know another person is to ask about something they
have in their office or home, or about something they’re wearing, “That’s a
really interesting necklace you’re wearing. I’m fascinated by it. How did you
come to choose that?” and then they’ll tell you. It was given as a gift or they
acquired it at a certain place, but what you’re really interested in is getting them
to tell you what they value about that possession. What they tell you is important
about it will let you know a lot about their values and who they are.
A Case in Point: A Personal Possession
As an example, I had a business associate, who was a fifty-something very
buttoned-down attorney. He was a very well placed, very skilled corporate
attorney who was very well-off, and for decades we were friends.
Over the years that he provided some legal assistance in my various businesses, I
noticed that he always used the same pen. It was sort of a fancy silver pen with
some kind of crosshatching on it. I’d never seen one quite like it before so I
asked him about it once.
A big grin lit up his face and he went on to tell how this pen—not this particular
pen, but one very much like it—had been given to him by his wife when he
passed the bar exam, and how he had had it for years and years and years. It was
manufactured by Cross and he loved it. But one day he lost it and he didn’t want
his wife to know, so he contacted Cross and tried to get another one. And
because they didn’t make it anymore and he couldn’t track down another one, he
found someone to make him a custom pen that looked exactly the same!
This story gave me a whole new impression of his love for his wife, his
appreciation of her support, and his consideration for her. It also let me know
that little things were really important to this man. Again, an innocent question
opened up a whole world of someone else’s reality to me.
As you can see, playing with stories is fun. When you plan to tell a story, be sure
the protagonist is interesting. It’s probably you or someone you know. And by
interesting I don’t mean somebody out of a novel, I mean somebody just like
you and me. Tell a story about someone who feels real and about something that
happened that would be interesting to you. Ideally, this story will contain one or
two key ideas you want to share with your listener.
That information could be “I knew somebody who was in the same jam that
you’re in, and they came out okay,” or “I know somebody who was in the same
jam you’re in, and everything went a little wacky for a while and they survived it
anyway. It’s survivable,” or “I know somebody who had the same opportunity as
you did and passed it up, and here’s what that cost them,” or “I know someone
who had the same issue that you have, and here’s how they solved it.”
In examining my own experience and hearing about other people’s lives, I find
that we’re okay until we become really convinced of something, and then as
soon as we do that, we shut off all the other possibilities. That’s when we get
into trouble. There are lots of ways that you can use a metaphor or a story to
soften your conversations with people and to loosen their grip on a conviction
that’s limiting them. Just telling a story is a lot less confronting than directly
contradicting someone; it leaves them freer to come to their own choices without
having to feel they’ve “given in.”
Toxic Relationships:
How Difficult People Tax Your Personal Resources
You might be thinking, “Cool, I can easily do this kind of exploration and match
the way someone processes, or use reframing or metaphor to help a lot of
people.” Yes, you can—and yet you’ll find that making this energy investment
will not pay off with everyone. So let’s talk a little bit about toxic people.
In my view of the world, a toxic person is someone who’s basically kind of a
pain in the neck. It may be a bully, or a critic who makes himself feel good by
putting you down, or putting other people down. It may be a whiner, who isn’t
really interested in any solution. They’d rather just complain, because that’s
enough for them. They may be a psychopath of one sort or another. They may be
a taker, having no real interest in you, other than what they can get from you.
They could be a narcissist. Or they could be someone who is basically just
frozen in first position, almost exclusively self-centered.
Remember the first, second, and third perceptual positions? As we’ve discussed,
first position is “I know who I am. I’m me and you’re you and we’re different
and I know what I feel.” That’s a very authentic position; however, it can be
infantile if that’s the only position a person has.
Second position is “Now I’m feeling for you. Now I’m thinking that if I were
you, and what happened to you happened to me, I’d feel pretty much like you
do.” That’s the position where you get great empathy and compassion for
someone else.
The third position is a fact-finding position where you can evaluate. This
position is sort of disassociated because you’re not emotional about what you’re
evaluating. You can be well meaning, you can be kind, but you’re not really
sucked into the emotions of the moment.
Many toxic people have no second position. They cannot empathize. They
cannot feel what it’s like to be somebody else. They’re not even interested in
anybody else; that ability got pruned away when they were little kids. As we
discussed earlier, it’s necessary for sanity and health to be able to flicker
between all three positions appropriately, and that simply isn’t possible for most
toxic people.
So what can you do about the toxic people who are in your life? If you want
your life to be easier and happier, it’s wisest and simplest to just remove them
from your life wherever and whenever you can.
Frequently, people I’m coaching find themselves in a relationship with a toxic
person and, for one reason or another, they can’t end it. Maybe the toxic person
is a relative, or an employer, or someone whom they feel they have to put up
with. In that case my advice is “Okay, but don’t expect to change that person.
The relationship with that person is always going to be a one-way exchange
where they ask and you give, so just know that.” Just being clear about your
choice to tolerate them knowing they won’t change will help free you from some
of the bad effects of having them in your life.
On the other hand, if you’re the supervisor of a toxic employee, work with
human resources to improve performance, or move them out. As you well know
if you have one toxic employee, they affect the whole team and work
environment, and not in any good way. They almost always drag the whole team
down to their level of behavior and frequently drive off the good ones. It’s
important to fix the situation quickly even if it costs you something to dislocate
and replace the person. If the toxic person is the boss, it’s probably worth finding
another job, even in a bad economy.
When the toxic person is a family member, this is a challenge that requires good
boundaries. That means you have to understand and again accept that there are
some people you cannot help or change.
They may not be able to change or they may not perceive a need to change. You
can offer information. You can sometimes shift their attention—but that’s it.
People need to live their own lives—do their own activities, make their own
choices.
Communicating your boundaries can be done humanely and lovingly—and still
get the job done. For example, you can say, “Here’s the way the situation is for
me. When you do this, it’s inconvenient for me, so I don’t want you to do that
anymore.” Or “When you do that, I have this inconvenience, so I can’t do that
with you anymore.” This way, you’re not condemning anyone, you’re only
pointing out what your limitation is—and why you can’t do it anymore.
The best boundaries are boundaries that aren’t defensive or offensive; they just
exist.
There are people whom I’ve told, “I’m sorry, I just don’t have the time for that.”
In response, they sometimes said, “Isn’t this important to you?”
“Actually, no—it’s not. It’s important to you and I understand that, but with my
responsibilities and where I am in my life, I’m sorry but I can’t take the time for
that.” When this happens, I will usually recommend an alternative—a
connection, a book, workshop, or website.
I’m older now and I’ve stopped beating my head against the brick wall of
toxicity. Too many times, my intentions were good, but I was trying to help
people live their lives or I was actually trying to live their lives for them.
As a result, my investments of personal energy didn’t work out well. I suffered,
and sometimes the most important folks in my life did, too. When it comes to
toxic people, you have to set limits—budget for how many of them will be in
your life and how much of your time or other resources you’ll spend with them,
and do not have any expectation that you’ll get anything in return.
Connecting the Dots:
Linking Key Concepts and Skills to Opportunities
This chapter has been about connecting the dots—understanding how to build on
things you’ve noticed about someone’s inner world—so you can communicate
even better with people you know—and those you will meet.
Discovery Activity:
Applying Your Discoveries About Someone Else’s World
Here’s an activity that will help you apply your knowledge and observations to
interactions with someone you already know. In Chapter 6, you selected a person
you’re close to and answered several questions that invited you to peek into and
explore that individual’s inner world. You identified the way you think they
relate to time, their preferred representational channel and meta-programming
patterns, and some beliefs you’ve heard them express.
Flip back to the notes you made in Chapter 6. For each of the answers you gave,
list at least two specific things you could do to “try on” their world, or enhance
communication with them.
Then, as you interact with this person, use these potential steps, discreetly or
overtly, and notice how it changes your experience and the tenor of the
interaction.
This activity will help you put what you learned from this chapter into practice.
Consistently challenging yourself every day to play with small changes in your
language will deepen your understanding and appreciation of its power. In
Chapter 8, you’ll learn how to build on these skills to more creatively collaborate
and resolve conflicts.
Key Ideas
• Moving someone from resisting to listening to considering depends
more on what you get them to tell you than the other way around.
• Stepping back or “zooming out” gives someone psychological air and
space to exhale when they appear to be tense or feeling pushed.
• Asking, “What has to be going on in that person’s world for this to be
true for them?” is a way to stand in someone else’s shoes and get a
sense of their internal experience.
• To speak someone else’s language, it’s helpful to adapt to and mirror
their preferences, their preferred representational channel and metaprograms, and their orientation to time.
• Beliefs are mostly out of a person’s awareness and are stated as fact.
Because these ideas shape the person’s view of the world, they are
often dearly held and can become a source of conflict, or of close
agreement and rapport.
• When someone is stuck or seems like they’re struggling with a limiting
belief, reframing is a simple, subtle, and effective way to suggest a
more positive perspective.
• Unpacking a belief to understand how it’s expressed (pictures, sounds,
etc.) and the associated positive intention increases the possibility of
loosening the belief so it can be updated.
• When asked a question, the human mind can’t help but create an
answer. Asking questions that open up possibilities engages more of
the listener’s brain—which, in turn, changes their blood chemistry and
their mood.
• Metaphors and stories are powerful and fun ways to shift someone’s
attention and attitude. Sharing anecdotes or tales often works well
because the listener instinctively relates to the protagonist and can’t
help but try on the situation and the solution as they listen.
• Because we all live our lives in metaphor, someone’s appearance, their
toys, and their environment (in addition to their language) provide a
glimpse into their unique map of the world.
• Inner conflicts that have been reduced to a condensed report like “I’m
really disconnected” are too generalized and abstract to work with.
Finding a specific (ideally recent) experience can provide enough
sensory information to “try on” the other person’s reality.
• If we establish sufficient rapport, most people will respond well to us.
They will accept our efforts to mirror nonverbals, match predicates
and meta-program language, as well as loosen and reframe beliefs,
which will generally make life more interesting and fun for both of us.
• Our efforts to help someone shift may not always be welcome or
appreciated. Sometimes this is because we may have misread the
extent of our rapport (and the permission that gives us) or we were
inappropriately inserting ourselves.
• Other times our efforts are unaccepted because some people are so
self-focused they’re kind of toxic. Reducing the amount of contact
with such individuals or maintaining clear boundaries can protect our
energy and enable us to focus on what’s most important in our worlds.
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/7-
4 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER EIGHT: CREATIVELY COLLABORATING AND RESOLVING CONFLICTS
How do we get from here to there?
Creativity is a lot like looking
at the world through a kaleidoscope.
You look at a set of elements,
the same ones everyone else sees,
but then reassemble those floating bits and
pieces into an enticing new possibility.
—Rosabeth Moss Kanter
In NLP, we think that choice is better than no choice. Curiosity and creativity
are pathways to more choice—they enable you to play with the different pieces
of any situation and discover new possibilities. In this chapter, you’ll learn how
to build on the knowledge and skills you’ve learned so far and apply them to
opportunities for collaboration, innovation, and conflict resolution.
An Embarrassing Example
To set the framework for the exploration we’re about to make, here’s a story.
This happened during a year I was traveling a lot—I was in lots of hotel rooms,
lots of restaurants, lots of airports—in lots of different towns. And, because I
was expecting to see something, I didn’t see what was right in front of me.
After a while, when you’re moving around that much, you just expect certain
things—like the paper towel dispensers in the men’s restroom—to work in a
particular way. In public restrooms, there are these black plastic contraptions on
the wall by the sink, right? Some have little seeing eyes and when you wave
your hands in front of them in just the right way, they burp out a stingy little
towel. Other times, there’s a button on the front or on the side—and that’s really
messy because everyone with wet hands has to press the same button.
Anyway, I was at the sink with wet hands in this men’s room. When I waved my
hands and nothing happened, I waved them again, closer. Nothing! Then I
waved them under the place where the towels come out. Still nothing. So I
waved my hands right in front of the thing. Again, nothing! I’m thinking, “Is this
damn thing blind?”
Then I saw a little silver round thing on the side. Thinking it was a button, I
pushed it. It was a rivet. Next, I pushed on a plate with the trademark and
another thing that turned out to be another rivet. Nothing.
Then, being a hotshot engineer and an experienced traveler, I looked at the slot
where the towels come out and wondered, “Can I just pull one out even if the
machine’s busted?” I saw the edge of a towel sticking out so I pulled it and it
popped right out.
It worked just like a towel dispenser did in the good old days—turns out, that’s
exactly what it was. It was an old-fashioned dispenser that looked like one of the
new ones—no buttons, no seeing eye, just a slot where you reach up and pull out
a paper towel.
What really struck me is that the simplest thing was the last thing that occurred
to me, not the first. Because I was on autopilot, I was expecting something and I
didn’t see what I might have been able to see if I had just tried the simplest thing
first, or if I’d just been curious.
After this experience, I found myself wondering, “How often am I on autopilot?
How often do I assume that I know how something, or someone, works? How
often do I assume that I know what I’m doing or what the right way is?” A lot, it
turns out. With this awareness, I began looking at my behaviors, as well as how
other people were communicating and acting. I set my filters to notice
unspecified expectations and challenges, and be curious about what I observed.
I found no shortage of examples! But rather than tell you about all the bumps
and bruises I witnessed, I’d like to share a contrasting example.
Moving in the Same Direction: Effective Collaboration Using the
Well-Formed Outcome Model
An NLP classmate of mine was a senior manager at Hewlett-Packard when we
learned how to create Well-Formed Outcomes. At that time, he was leading a
$500 million business unit and often fantasized about how much more his team
could accomplish if everyone were really on the same page. He said that
sometimes he felt that work was like white-water rafting. He explained that
because they weren’t paddling together, the trip had unnecessary lulls,
dangerous vertical drops, and difficult points of navigation. And, he said, they
were missing a lot of the camaraderie and fun of mastering the big water.
Even though his people were knowledgeable and motivated, he was often
surprised by how folks were out of sync when it came to the vision for a project,
product, division, or even the whole company. They didn’t always see the big
picture. And from his vantage point in the organization, he didn’t always see or
understand the challenges that inhibited progress toward specific goals.
By using the Well-Formed Outcome questions with his direct reports (and
theirs), he was able to make the elements of and obstacles to success more
visible. In the context of a specific opportunity at Hewlett-Packard, he and his
team answered:
• What specifically do we want?
• How will we know when we’ve achieved that—and when we achieve
this, what else will improve?
• Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do we want
to have this result?
• What stops us from having our desired outcome already?
• What resources (our existing ones and perhaps additional ones) do we
need to help us create what we want?
• How are we going to get there—and what’s the first step to begin to
achieve this result?
The process of exploring the opportunity together helped him foster honest
communication about objectives and issues; clarify key initiatives, philosophy,
and company goals; encourage creativity; reward collaboration; and come up
with useful solutions.
Because employees were reenergized and results were outstanding, he and his
team got noticed. Other managers called to find out what he was doing
differently. In a very short time, many HP managers throughout the United
States adopted this model. Whenever they started a new initiative or found
themselves face-to-face with a challenge, they applied the Well-Formed
Outcome questions. Not only did this model provide them with a productive
track to run on, it also helped to create a common language of leadership within
the company—even internationally!
As you know from Chapter 2, the Well-Formed Outcome model works well
when you use it on your own issues—and it works well in team or group
situations. In fact, it beautifully illustrates Henry Ford’s philosophy that “if
everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself.”
Creativity: How Imagination Expands Possibilities
The Well-Formed Outcome model invites you and others to be creative, doesn’t
it? It requires you to envision what you want, anticipate issues, communicate
with others, and reach a shared solution. This kind of creativity multiplies your
options.
There’s that word—creativity. I’ve noticed that some of my clients associate
creativity with unpleasant school experiences. If that’s true for you, you might
be thinking, “No, wait, I’m not creative. I can’t draw. I can’t perform. I’m not
the funniest person in the room.” Fortunately, those old yardsticks are gone. As
an adult, if you’re not an artist by trade, creativity is usually about using
imagination, just playing with different elements and possibilities.
A CASE IN POINT: UNTAPPED CREATIVITY
Let’s revisit the towel dispenser situation for a minute. Just picture me standing
there with my wet hands—waving my hands and waving my hands and waving
my hands. But, as you know, that didn’t work to turn on this particular machine.
There I was talking to myself, “Well, it must be a button,” which led me to push
everything on the machine that looked like it might be a button. But just by
pulling on the towel that was sticking out, I got what I wanted. It was the easiest
thing in the world, right? But not for me—because I had assumed I knew what I
was doing. I had assumed I knew the nature of this thing.
Even though this experience was enlightening, it was also kind of embarrassing.
After all, I’m a trained engineer. I’m fairly creative. I’ve got patents on some
complex, innovative, and in-demand products. But because I was not in the lab
or my writing studio, I wasn’t telling myself, “Oh, turn on the creative, Tom.”
This was different. Because I was in a men’s restroom and I wasn’t really
thinking much at all. In fact, I was barely present—let alone bringing all of
myself to the task.
FREEING UP INNER RESOURCES
So part of being creative is reminding yourself of all the things that you are, all
the resources you have, and all the possibilities that you have. As you know,
inner work comes first. When you want to access your creativity, use the same
process of calming yourself that you would if you were preparing to enter a
room of strangers, participate in a negotiation, or facilitate a conflict resolution
between family members or colleagues. Loosening yourself up and dropping
your filters will help you get into a more creative state of mind.
The next thing to do when you decide you want or need to be creative is to get
yourself unstuck. To do this, start by realizing that whatever issue you’re
considering, it is not part of you. It’s not you; it’s not even about you. It’s out
there somewhere. So place it out there. By using disassociation to separate
yourself from it, you can easily see it at a slight distance. Now you can turn it
sideways, upside down, add things to it, pull things apart, and see it in different
colors. You can start to play with the issue, whatever it is.
To get your creative juices and confidence flowing, it’s also useful to recall other
times you were creative, times when you found effective solutions to a
challenge. If accessing such memories is difficult, think of situations when
you’ve been part of a creative team and how the powerful synergy of working
together helped you find innovative answers.
Expert Advice: The Disney Creativity Strategy
In a moment, I’ll share one approach that was identified by NLP leader Robert
Dilts. In his book Strategies of Genius, he explored the unique creative processes
of different geniuses. Using the principles of NLP modeling, he was successful
at getting inside their heads and finding out what really goes on with them. What
are they saying to themselves? What are they thinking? What are they seeing?
Robert got so good at this, he not only did it with people that he knew or
interviewed, but he did it with creative legends in history. In his three-book
series, he modeled Einstein, Aristotle, Mozart, Leonardo da Vinci, Jesus, Tesla,
and Disney.
As you know, Walt Disney was one of the most creative people to live in the
twentieth century. Disney was a gifted film producer, director, screenwriter,
animator, voice actor, and entrepreneur. Not only did he create Mickey Mouse,
Donald Duck, and Pluto, but he also animated the German fairy tale “Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs” and brought us many other movies. In addition to
making films, in the 1950s he got into TV and created Disneyland—the firstever theme park. Because of his genius for entertaining, Disney was even
selected as the head of pageantry for the 1960 Winter Olympics. Today the Walt
Disney Company has its own TV channel, musical artists, ice-skating
productions, cruise lines—and who knows what they’ll create next!
Several years ago, I had the privilege of spending several hours with the Disney
Company’s number three and four guys. I got to talk with Mike Vance, who
designed Disney World in Florida, and then Ken Carr, who designed nearby
Epcot Center. They both shared a lot of stories about Walt Disney that perfectly
match up with Robert Dilts’s take on the man. It’s just another way of validating
Disney’s creativity process—which you’ll find amazing. So here it is.
Although Disney’s creativity was initially intuitive, over time he developed a
process for tapping into his special genius. When he was trying to conceive
something new, he would assume three roles that he isolated: the roles of the
Dreamer, the Realist, and the Critic. The reason his system works so well is this:
he took on these roles one at a time. He kept the Realist and the Critic in their
places until he fulfilled the Dreamer role.
THE DREAMER
First, he became the Dreamer. He said he had a special chair in the room and the
Dreamer would appear and sit in that chair—and then the Dreamer would dream.
The Dreamer would come up with this crazy ride, let’s say Pirates of the
Caribbean. While he was dreaming, he’d imagine everything he wanted to be
part of that experience.
The ride would go through the bayous. There’d be crawfish. There’d be banjos.
There’d be snakes and alligators and dim lights and pirates and “Ho, ho, ho!”
and buried treasure and sabers and gold coins and sand—all the things he
wanted.
In this role, he would only make notes about everything he could think of that he
wanted in that dream, because that’s the Dreamer’s job. The Dreamer’s job is to
dream. The Dreamer’s job is not to go, “Yeah but . . .” So that was it, just the
Dreamer.
THE REALIST
Then the Dreamer would leave the stage and in would come the Realist, who
would sit in a different chair. The Realist didn’t say, “Yeah but . . .” either. The
realist would say, “Oh, I see—and I know how you could make that happen.
And we could use this over here. No, you probably can’t go to the Caribbean and
bring that over to Anaheim then stick that in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride,
but here are some things we could do.”
“We could have recorded insect sounds, and we could actually have misters to
raise the humidity level. We could have heated air blasted in so if we enclosed
the ride, we could actually make it feel just like it was down in the tropics.” The
Realist is the person who takes the concepts and makes them real.
Now, of course, some limits would apply, right? For example, the Dreamer may
dream up antigravity and the Realist can’t do antigravity, but maybe the Realist
can do a ride where it feels like the bottom drops out from under you. So the
Realist is the person who realizes the dream.
THE CRITIC
Then the Realist steps aside, and the next person who comes in is the Critic.
Again, no “Yeah but . . .” The Critic just says, “Hmm, that’s an interesting
process. Let’s see, do we have liability insurance? Is there any way that that
moisture coming out of that humidifier would short the electrical circuits?” The
Critic considers ecological factors, things that might be a concern if the Dreamer
and Realist got what they envisioned.
So again there is no killer in this process—and there never needs to be. I’ve been
in a lot of market research and product development brainstorming sessions that
turned into slingshot fights because folks were just shooting each other down.
That’s not creativity at all.
Creativity in Disney’s strategy is kind of loving, isn’t it? It’s all positive. It’s
completely focused on getting the biggest dream possible—which means the
Dreamer can’t be afraid of anything. The Dreamer needs to be fully supported.
Innovation:
How to Use the Disney Strategy with Groups
Even though the “Disney Strategy” was initially conceived and used by an
individual, it later became an essential part of how the company operates. Not
only has this strategy been a critical factor that’s enabled the Disney Company to
hold its position as an entertainment innovator, but it’s also a foundational piece
of the award-winning leadership training offered at the Disney Institute. Today,
many individuals, teams, and companies use this approach to create new
products and services, improve existing ones, and solve problems.
If you’d like to use this strategy with a group to create something new or resolve
a problem, here are a few recommendations.
THE SETUP
At Disney, they facilitated this activity using three different rooms: one for the
Dreamer step, one for the Realist step, and one for the Critic step. If you don’t
have adequate facilities to use separate rooms, you could designate three distinct
areas in a room—one for each role.
THE ROLES
Because each role in this strategy is critical, most companies choose to have all
participants play all three roles—while other organizations sometimes choose to
break their participants into three teams and have them assume a single role.
Although this second method is manageable and takes less time, having
everyone moving sequentially through the different roles and associated mental
states is much preferred because it provides a more robust and collaborative
experience—and produces even better results.
Having an understanding of the different roles is essential to effectively playing
each role and to facilitating this strategy as a team activity. On the following
page is an outline excerpted from instructions created by Keith V. Trickey, who
developed an in-depth outline for using the Disney Strategy with groups. (If
you’d like to review his complete step-by-step summary, go to the Bonus
Activities link at the end of this chapter.)
Role Guidelines for the Disney Strategy
The Dreamer: The one for whom all things are possible
The Approach: Want to do it
Questions to Consider:
• Why are you doing this? What is the purpose?
• What are the payoffs?
• How will you know you have them?
• Where do you want to be in the future?
• Who do you want to be or be like?
• What range of topics do you want to consider?
• What elements of those topics do you want to explore?
Physiology: Head and eyes looking up, posture symmetrical and relaxed
The Realist: The one who sorts things out
The Approach: How to do it
Questions to Consider:
• What will I be doing?
• How specifically will the idea be implemented?
• How will I know if the goal has been achieved?
• Who besides me is involved (time constraints)?
• When will each phase be implemented?
• When will the overall goal be completed?
• Where will each phase be carried out?
Physiology: Head and eyes looking straight ahead, posture symmetrical and
centered
The Critic: The one who picks up the pieces that don’t fit
The Approach: Chance to enhance
Questions to Consider:
• How do all the elements fit together?
• What elements appear unbalanced?
• What parts do not fit with the overall objective of the project?
• What parts of the project are underdeveloped?
• How possible is this within the time frame?
• Why is each step necessary?
Physiology: Eyes down, head down and tilted, posture angular
Discovery Activity:
Applying the Disney Strategy to One of Your Opportunities
Let’s apply the Disney Strategy to your life. Think of a problem you’ve been
trying to solve—or something new you’ve been trying to create.
What’s the opportunity?
In a moment, you’ll have a chance to explore this opportunity from the point of
view of the Dreamer, the Realist, and the Critic. You can do this imagining all at
once and make your notes after the whole thing—or image it a step at a time and
make your notes after each step.
Get comfortable and think of a time when it was easy for you to come up with
new ideas—a time when you were able to imagine things you wanted—a time
when you were able to dream up lots of possibilities.
Now perhaps in your mind’s eye, you see an empty chair and perhaps in a
moment, the Dreamer will appear. When it does, invite it to run wild with ideas
about the opportunity you’ve identified.
Notice and remember what the Dreamer wanted . . .
Now think of a time when you were great at planning something—you were able
to anticipate and arrange everything—all kinds of details—a time when it was
easy to take all the necessary steps to accomplish what you wanted.
Now perhaps in your mind’s eye you see a different empty chair and perhaps in
a moment, the Realist will appear. When it does, invite it to consider the
Dreamer’s fantasies and imagine how it would all be possible—what steps you
could take to make these things happen.
Notice and remember what the Realist recommended . . .
Now perhaps in your mind’s eye you see another empty chair and perhaps in a
moment, the Critic will appear. When it does, invite it to consider the Realist’s
recommendations and identify what concerns you have—and would need to be
addressed before you could be fully satisfied with the plans/solution. What
additional questions do you have for the Dreamer or the Realist?
Notice and remember what questions or concerns the Critic raised . . .
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/8-1.
Creativity can be applied to any situation, right? So you could try this approach
when you’re imagining . . . a party you want to have . . . a new approach with
your boss . . . a specific conversation with your kids . . . how to invite someone
on a date . . . whatever! There are countless situations where you can use this
three-chair process on your own. Just by assuming the roles of the Dreamer, the
Realist, and the Critic, in rotation, you can strengthen your creative muscles and
expand your choices.
Up Against the Wall: How the “Conflict Integration
Process” Supports Creative Problem Solving
Albert Einstein really nailed it when he said, “Problems cannot be solved by the
same thinking that created them.” Although most of us have heard this wisdom,
we still get stuck in our patterns when problems arise and then we feel like we’re
up against a wall—unable to move. When we’re in conflict—with ourselves,
someone else, an idea, a process, technology, or even a machine—curiosity and
creativity are the keys to finding alternatives that make our experiences of being
in the world better.
When you think of conflict and creativity, you may see them as very different
things. But a lot of what we’ve talked about in terms of creativity applies to
conflict, too—and here’s why. Remember what I told you about that towel
dispenser? I was on autopilot and assumed I knew how the damn thing worked,
but my expectation was wrong and my strategy didn’t work. I limited myself.
As I started thinking about conflict, I realized that when I’m interacting with
somebody—if I walk in with preconceived notions of who that person is and
what they’re likely to think, do, or say—I limit my options for connecting and
dealing with them.
Loosening Up Positions
When there’s a conflict, it’s generally because people are locked into their
positions. To make communication possible, the first step is always to help folks
get unlocked. We can help people release their defensive posture by stepping
back, taking a deep breath, and letting go of expectations.
Imagine that someone is wrestling with some sort of a problem. They’re stuck.
When they’re stuck, they’re actually feeling physically stuck, like they’re frozen
in place. Our language actually frames it that way, but it’s not really them that’s
stuck, is it? It’s some kind of issue—something they have to work through—
something that’s getting larger and larger in their mind’s eye and probably
taking over.
The trick here is to disassociate them from the issue by literally setting the issue
aside and sometimes physically putting the issue “over there” on a flip chart or
whiteboard so we can look at it together. That allows us both to be on the same
side, facing the issue that’s “over there,” together.
Now how does that work when you’re dealing with people who are at each
other’s throats? As a senior executive, I’ve had this happen a number of times,
so let me illustrate this process by describing a specific situation—and then
highlighting the critical action steps.
A Case in Point: Conflict Resolution
Normally, the office in my Silicon Valley manufacturing company was a pretty
happy place, but not on the morning in question. As soon as I arrived, first cup
of coffee in hand, the receptionist looked a little nervous and said, “Glenn and
Susan are waiting for you in the conference room.”
I thought, “Oh, this isn’t going to be much fun.” These were two of my vice
presidents and they were always hassling each other—probably for reasons that
stemmed from their different roles. Because Susan was a marketing person, she
wanted the company to be the hero for the customer every time—and she was
constantly trying to get the prices down and speed up delivery times. As the
operations guy, Glenn was always trying to perfect our processes and increase
consistency, and as you might imagine, he didn’t like exceptions or surprises.
They were waiting for me in the conference room—scowling and sitting across
from each other. After taking a deep breath and letting out a big sigh, I sat down
where I could easily see both of them. Their heads were down, pretending to be
studying their papers.
I reached out and I put my hands down on their respective papers. Then I said,
“Stop for a minute. I’m here to help. Let me ask you a question.” They both
looked up and I said to Susan, “Ladies first. What’s up?”
She said, “Well, you want me to make these marketing goals, right? So, we’re
out there making promises to our customers, and every time I turn around, he
stops me.”
I said, “Oh. Okay, so I get that you’re feeling pretty unhappy about that.”
She said, “Yeah, I’m feeling betrayed. I don’t know how we can succeed as long
as he’s in charge.”
Now things are getting really hot, so I said, “Okay, Glenn, what’s the deal?”
He said, “Well, I’m the operations manager. I’m supposed to be the protector of
the company, right? That means overseeing production, that means cost control,
and that means reasonable delivery times. But Susan constantly comes in here
with orders at the last minute. She goes right past my office, walks right back to
the shop foreman, and tells him to stick these in the line and get it done ahead of
time—and she doesn’t even charge for it. She’s going to bankrupt us.”
My attitude was “This is going to be fun!”
So I said, “Okay, I’ve got it. Let me ask you a question, Glenn. If Susan backed
off and we handled things exactly the way you want, what would be good about
that? What would that do for the company?”
He immediately started listing the benefits. “Well, we’d be on a firm economic
basis. We’d be profitable. Our people wouldn’t have to work overtime. We
wouldn’t buy more than we needed because I could stock exactly what was
ordered. There wouldn’t be these damn rushes.”
So I said, “Okay, in spite of what there wouldn’t be, what would there be?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Well, we’d have increased profits, a better
margin on our profits, a lower inventory, more turns on the inventory, and less
overtime.”
Then I said, “Okay. Susan, if those things were possible, would that be good for
us?” and she said, “Of course it would. I’m not arguing that. All of that would be
good. The thing is, we won’t get the sales that way.”
I said, “Okay, now I want to know if we did it entirely your way, did everything
that you want—kept every promise that our representatives made and that we
encouraged them to make to get orders—what would that do for the company?”
She said, “Well, we’d beat all the competitors. We’d be known as heroes. We’d
not only have the best product in the world, we’d also be getting into more
places—so we’d have more testimonials. The company would grow faster.”
So I said to Glenn, “Is there anything about what Susan said that you disagree
with?” and he said, “Well, of course there is. We can’t do it that way.”
I said, “Okay. I’m not talking about the way she wanted to go about it. I’m
talking about her goals. Was there anything wrong with her goals?” and he said,
“No, we all want that. We’ve got the best product. We want more users—and we
want to be heroes—that’s what we all want.”
I said, “Okay, so you both agree that we want decent profit margins, that we
want less overhead in terms of overtime for the shop guys, that we want as much
inventory as we need, but not a lot more, and we want to be heroes to our
customers. You’ve both agreed with that, right?”
They seemed to be sitting there thinking, “How’s he going to pull this rabbit out
of the hat?” So they’re smiling at each other and at me as they share this joke
that somehow I just walked into the trap and now it’s my problem to solve.
But instead I said, “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ve got some calls I have to make.
Let’s do this. Let’s spend a half day on this. While I make my calls, I’d like you
guys to come around here on the same side of the table and put your notepads
over here facing that whiteboard.”
Once they were settled facing the whiteboard, I said, “Now take turns putting up
on the whiteboard three or four ways we might be able to do all of this. See
what’s possible here. Just write as many things as you can and I’ll be back in
half an hour. Then, over lunch, we’ll look them over together. We’ll solve this so
that we get as much as we can of what each of you wants for the company
because I think you’re both right. We need to accomplish the objectives you’ve
both identified for the company.”
When I left, they were no longer arguing. They were comparing notes to find out
what they could do that wasn’t mutually exclusive—which got them on the same
side of the table behaviorally, not just physically. At first they were on the same
side of the table against me, because they thought that I had trapped myself and I
was going to have to solve the problem. Yet the truth is that the crux of the issue
goes back to Einstein’s wisdom—you can’t solve a problem at the level of
thinking that created it.
How does that translate into our behavior? The level of thinking that created this
problem was that Glenn was trying to protect his process, his inventory levels,
and his responsibility for shop overtime. Susan was trying to protect her personal
goals and her departmental goals of increased sales, better service, and enhanced
reputation among our customers. Unfortunately, because each of them was
trying to accomplish their objectives at the expense of the other, it wasn’t going
to happen.
I’ve seen this hundreds of times. The level at which the people were arguing was
not going to have any resolution at all. In companies, there’s often conflict
between scorekeepers, like accountants and operations people, who have to keep
track of things, and the score makers, like the marketing and sales staff.
Because of the kinds of personalities that it takes to succeed in these different
areas, these groups often have some unkind stereotypes of each other. Yet the
truth is this—no business survives without excellent talent and disciplines in
both areas. You have to have growth and aggression, and you have to have
control. Every organization needs muscle and brains, and you need these inside
yourself, too.
A Review Outline of the “Conflict Integration Process”
So here’s an interesting thing. This process that I used with Glenn and Susan is a
classic “Conflict Integration Process.” Let’s break it into pieces. I looked at the
situation and saw that their horns were locked. They were absolutely head-tohead with no give. There was no real interest in resolution, and no possibility of
one, because they were in complete and perfect balance in terms of their conflict.
Then I turned to one of them and said, “And if that worked out, if we did it your
way, what would that do that would be even better or more important? What
would that do that would be good for us, for the business?”
So Susan told me, “Well, if we do that then we’re going to get growth and we’re
going to get a good reputation and we’re going to get more sales and enthusiastic
testimonials—all good stuff.”
Then I turned to Glenn and said, “And if we did it your way, what would that get
us?”
He said, “We’d get higher profit margins and lower overtime costs and better
inventory controls and a smoother operation. All good stuff.”
By “chunking up” to find the goal-behind-the-goal (meta-outcome), I was able to
get each of them then to approve of the other person’s outcome. Remember how
far apart Glenn and Susan were at the beginning of the meeting? His initial goal
was to beat Susan into submission and make her stop handing in rush orders. Her
original goal was to beat Glenn into submission and make his whole process and
procedure more flexible and responsive to her demands. Those initial outcomes
were in absolute opposition.
But when I asked Susan for the goal-behind-her-goal, she gave me a very
positive outcome for the company—and Glenn could understand that. When I
asked Glenn for his goal-behind-the-goal, his meta-outcomes were smoother
operations, lower cost, better inventory control—and Susan could appreciate
these. What you do, by asking the right questions, is take the goals up to a level
where both, or all, people can agree. Typically, this approach produces
objectives that anyone with their head on straight would think were a good idea.
However, you can’t even begin to explore meta-outcomes until people get
unlocked. Because when people are in conflict, they’re stuck. They have a
foxhole mentality that says, “This is the only way to go. Everything else is
idiotic.”
So, you might be wondering what happened after Susan and Glenn were left to
come up with solutions. When I came back from making my calls, they said,
“We need a little more time. We’re not ready for you yet”—which, of course, I
was thrilled to hear.
Around eleven thirty I came back in and said, “How we doing?” and they said,
“We still need a little more time.” So I ordered lunch for us all. When the
sandwiches arrived, I came back in and ate with them and listened to their
process as they had worked it through. What they came up with was a strategy
where we could actually make an even more extraordinary promise and charge
for it.
Because we made offering such service extraordinary, what Glenn did was to
hold out a certain part of our process and resources so we could accommodate
that. He was happy because there was a strategy for it and we were being paid
extra for it. Plus, offering this option made us really heroic to our customers
because they realized they could get extra service if they were willing to pay for
it (which is a reasonable and proven tradition). So they resolved it brilliantly and
supported both sets of objectives.
This conflict was between two experienced and passionate professionals, who
even though they were often at each other’s throats, had a deep respect for one
another. This exact strategy of exploring and agreeing upon meta-outcomes can
work well when several people are involved—or when there’s just one.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying One of Your Conflicts
To increase your understanding and mastery of these concepts, let’s apply them
to your life. So, think of a recent conflict or misunderstanding that you had with
someone. It might have been about a situation at work, dinner with a friend, or a
family matter.
Take a moment now and go back to that point in time—thinking what you were
thinking, noticing what you were noticing. When you have access to those
pictures, sounds, and feelings, answer the questions below.
Who were you talking with?
What was the focus of the discussion?
What was your point of view? What did you want?
What would having or doing what you want get you that was even more
important? (As a reminder, this meta-outcome might be something that’s good
for you, or for a specific relationship, or for your team or family, or for your
company.)
In retrospect, what feelings or point of view inhibited your ability to express the
positive aspects of your meta-outcome?
As you think about it now, consider if there have been other occasions when
you’ve had these same limiting feelings or thoughts. If so, identify at least two
steps you could take in the future if similar feelings and thoughts come up for
you.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/8-4.
Internal Battles: How to Apply the
“Conflict Integration Process” to Inner Conflicts
Most of the conflicts we have with other people contain some aspect of an inner
conflict, don’t they? But not all conflicts involve interacting with someone else.
So, let’s say you have a conflict that’s just with yourself—or you know
somebody who has one. It often sounds like “On the one hand, I want to do this
—but on the other hand, I want to do this.”
Here’s one I really wrestled with: “On the one hand, I want to spend more time
with my family because time passes so quickly and the kids are growing up. On
the other hand, I want to excel in my career, which means I need to put in extra
hours. So how do I move forward?”
This was my conflict, but for now, as I describe the Conflict Integration Process,
imagine it was yours. First, we’ll explore this process together using my example
and then you’ll have an opportunity to apply it to an inner conflict you want to
resolve.
Start by focusing on one side—just like I took Susan’s issues first. I would start
with the hand whose objectives were mentioned first—in my case, that was
spending more time with the family. So, imagine you’re me. Where is this
feeling or part in your body? Where does that feeling come from?
When you quiet down and go inside, you’ll have that feeling. Then you allow it
to come up, and now what you do is to invite it to travel down into your left
hand. The reason for this is that you’re going to talk to this feeling or part. In this
situation, you don’t have a Glenn and Susan at a conference table; you have two
conflicting competing parts in your own psyche—and you need to get them
separated so that you can communicate with them individually.
First, I focus all my attention on the part that wants to spend time with the
family, all that love and all that yearning and all that enjoyment of the kids—
very high-value stuff. Focus on that part now—gather the associated feelings and
allow these to flow across your collarbone and down your left shoulder and
down your arm and through your elbow and through your wrist and into your left
hand, as if it were actual stuff, as if it had some substance.
As the substance gathers in your left hand, you can imagine it has some sort of a
weight and that the weight actually takes form, a symbol of some sort, perhaps
like an avatar, that communicates to you in that moment what that need or drive
might be. So you look down at it, whatever it is.
When I did this and looked down at my hand, the symbol I saw was one of the
kids’ little teddy bears with an ear half-torn. So I’ve got this little brown teddy
bear in the palm of my left hand.
Look down at your left hand and then acknowledge this part. “Thanks very much
for coming. I’m glad you’re here.” This helps make the subconscious process
more real.
Now you go back inside and you think about that other drive that was also very
important—the one that said, “I want to excel in my career and that means I need
to put in extra hours to develop the skills so I can really become all that I can
become. I want to become better at this so I need to spend extra time either with
a senior mentor in the field, studying, or just trying out more things.”
So, for you, where’s this second “drive” in your body? As you feel it, allow that
to move in the opposite direction. You allow that to move up through your right
shoulder and down your arm and past your elbow and through your wrist and let
it gather into the upturned palm of your right hand.
As it collects, and as it gathers weight, you take a look at that and you see
something there. I don’t know what it would be for you. What I saw was a
briefcase, containing a laptop computer, that was folded up and ready to go.
So, now we’ve got these two separate objects that remind us of these two
different motivations—one in each hand. Now we have them metaphorically and
symbolically across the conference table from each other, about where I walked
into the room with Susan and Glenn.
Now I can turn to the little teddy bear in my left hand and I can say, “If I can
spend as much time with my family as you’d like and be with the kids, what
would that do for me?” and it says, “Well, you’d develop much stronger bonds
in your family. Your kids would grow up to be better kids. They’d be better
behaved, more self-assured, and more independent. They’ll look to you for
advice and guidance instead of people they meet at school. Your wife will be
happy. And you’ll be satisfied with yourself as a man and a father.”
So, after you hear what the symbol in your left hand has to say, acknowledge
that. “Okay, thank you very much—that all sounds good to me.” Then I’m ready
to go to the other side—which for me is represented by the briefcase containing
the laptop—and I say, “And if I could spend more time at work developing my
career, what will that do for me?”
That side says, “You’ll have more money. You’ll have more recognition. You’ll
advance further in your career, and eventually you’ll have more control over
your time so you can take more vacations with your family or do whatever you
want to do.” Then I say, “Okay, thanks for sharing that—that sounds pretty
good, too.”
Next, we’ll ask the same thing I asked Glenn and Susan. This time, I say to the
teddy bear, “Can you understand the benefit to the family of my getting more
recognition, more advancement, more money, and more control over my time
and my career by investing some time to develop it?” and it says, “Sure.”
Then I say to the briefcase, “Can you see the benefit to me as a human being if I
have this enrichment of spending time with my kids and being the guy that I
should be, and allowing my wife and I to be there for them so we’ve formed the
bonds that will serve us as they grow into the teenage years?”
The briefcase guy says, “Sure. I think about the future all the time.”
In the work situation, I left Susan and Glenn alone in that room to allow them to
work through the process on their own. Here what we would do is to allow these
two objects in our hands to slowly come together. Because they now approve of
each other, they understand each other, we just allow them to come together.
And as they come together slowly, our hands meet and make a cup that contains
these two different representations, in this example the teddy bear and the
briefcase. What happens then? They blend, they mix, and they swirl.
As they do and we open our hands, there’s a third object there. I don’t know
what that would be for you, but there’s a third object there. When I look down, I
see a tent at a campsite. That seems a little weird. So I say, “This is something
new. You guys have blended. What did you come up with?”
What the tent at the campsite says is “Invest time now while the kids are asleep
—you’re still young, you can do with less sleep—and invest some evening hours
now, but not when they’re awake. You have to run a little harder right now to
spend time and be available to your kids so you’re not skipping their important
events or the couple of hours before bedtime. You’re working with them and
then you’re spending time on your own a little later in the evening to get ahead,
so that as they get older you’ll have this money and advancement and power,
and you’ll be able to take family vacations with them and be part of their lives.”
I think, “That’s really beautiful!” Listen to what your new blended part has to
say, then bring those cupped hands up and hold them against the center of your
chest—and allow that new object to be breathed back into your chest—then
allow that to flow through your whole body.
That’s an integration. It’s not a resolution or a forced compromise. An
integration means we move the conflict up one level and we find out what’s
important about each of those things. We don’t want to lose anything. In NLP,
we try not to remove or lose anything—we simply shift and add things.
What happens when you’re stuck inside and you want to resolve it? You need to
do the same thing that I did with Glenn and Susan in my office. It’s just you—so
you need to find a way to separate those two parts of yourself into the two parts
that have been competing. Then allow them to look at each other from a slight
distance so they can appreciate what each part is trying to accomplish on behalf
of you, the you that owns them both and gave energy to them both. In this step,
you can easily reach agreement when you focus on the what, not the how.
Then, as they blend, it’s like what happened by the time I came back in the
conference room with Glenn and Susan and we had sandwiches together. By
then they had blended and they were able to tell me all the brilliant new ideas
they had about offering the special accelerated delivery program at a price that
would not destroy the company process. Because they were both sincerely
endorsing these recommendations, I could tell they had really blended.
Discovery Activity:
Applying the “Conflict Integration Process” to One of Your
Opportunities
Perhaps as you were reading this, you were reminded of an issue you are or have
been wrestling with. Because this is a delicate and deep process, do this in a
private space where you won’t be interrupted. Ready?
Think of an unresolved issue that’s important to you. Really step into the
experience of being conflicted, so you can see what you’re seeing, hear what
you’re hearing, and feel what you’re feeling.
As the conflict presents itself to you, separate the different parts that have been
competing.
Identify where one of the parts or feelings is in your body and invite it to flow
through your body so it can come out and present itself in your hand. When it
does, thank it for being present. If that part were an image, what would it look
like?
Now notice where the other part or feeling is in your body and ask it to flow
through your body so it can come out and present itself in your other hand.
When it appears, thank it for being present. If this part were an image, what
would it be?
Turn to the part that’s in your left hand and invite it to tell you what it wants.
When it does, say, “Thank you for telling me that.”
Next, look at the part that’s in your right hand and invite it to tell you what it
wants. When it does, say, “Thank you for telling me that.”
Next, ask one of the parts, “What would having what you want do that’s even
more important?”
Then ask the other part the same question.
Now allow the parts to look at each other from a slight distance—so they can
each appreciate what the other is trying to accomplish on your behalf. (If you’ve
learned each one’s meta-outcome, it should be easy to reach agreement that they
both want what the other part is trying to accomplish.) Thank both parts for
being willing to see the other’s intention.
Then, breathing deeply, slowly bring your hands together so the parts literally
come together, too. Allow the parts to mix and blend.
Open your hands and notice the new image that results from this merger. Thank
this new part for being there and being willing to operate on your behalf.
Then slowly bring the new image in your hands up to the center of your chest
and allow the image to enter your body and become fully integrated.
Take a deep breath and notice how different you feel.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco .com/8-7.
In NLP, we recognize that you don’t try to solve the problem at the level of the
argument—because you’re not going to get anywhere. Classic “Conflict
Integration” requires that you bump things up a notch—and maybe a notch after
that—until you get to meta-outcomes that are easy to agree on. You can do this
within yourself—or you can help another person, who has a conflict they’re
wrestling with on their own.
The Importance of Meta-Outcomes in “Conflict Integration”
In the past, when companies hired me to help them deal with a conflict, they
often wanted me to “mediate it” as if I were some sort of judge. And I’d tell
them, “Look, I’m not a judge. I don’t know your business. Let’s do this. Let’s
explore each side without arguing for your positions on the issue. I’m sure those
have already been well expressed—so forget that. Just tell me, if you won, what
would winning accomplish.” Then, managing the discussion to keep the focus
away from complaints and positions, the participants would come up with a list
of compelling outcomes.
Sometimes, to reach a meta-outcome that everyone could agree on, I’d need to
kick it up a notch and say, “Okay, and if you were able to accomplish that, what
about that would be of even greater benefit to the company—or what would
having that do for the company that’s even more important?” Then I’d go over to
the other side and say the same thing. Even when there are more than two sides,
this strategy works like magic.
How to Increase Communication During “Conflict Integration”
Suppose you find yourself in a situation where people have been at odds for so
long that the “fight” has become personal. They seem to hate each other and
have damaged each other in different ways. What are you going to do then?
The key is to loosen up the old stuff. One of these things I actually did with
Susan at a different time, much earlier in their relationship, because she and
Glenn were frequently in conflict. One day when they were really going at it
hammer and tongs, I said to her, “I’m just curious, Susan. I’d like you to answer
this question. I want you to do some mind reading. If I were to ask Glenn what
frustrates him most about working with you, what do you think he’d say?”
She paused and said she didn’t want to do it—and I said, “Come on, just throw it
out there. I don’t think you’re in any doubt.”
She laughed and then she said, “Well, he’d say that I’m disorganized and I’m
demanding—that I’m a prima donna. He’d probably say I want it all my way and
I have no discipline and I have no respect for him.”
I said, “Okay, if that’s true, what would that make him want to do?”
And she kind of smiled, and by this time he’s smiling a little bit because he
realizes she gets him, and she says, “Well, he’d probably become a bit mulish
and maybe a little unreasonable.”
To which he said, “Hey, I’m not unreasonable.” And now they’re at least
talking.
Then I turned to him and asked him the same question. “If I were to ask Susan
what frustrates her most about working with you, what would she say?” and he
started giving me a joking answer, but I held his feet to the fire and said, “Come
on, play fair. Do it right. You know the truth. We all know the truth—so get it
out there.”
So then he played it sincerely and told me what he thought she would say about
him, that he’s autocratic and dictatorial and rigid, doesn’t care much about
reality, and just cares about his figures. I said, “What would that make her do?”
and he said, “Well, she’s a very strong-willed woman and she’s really dedicated,
so she’d just go around me.” Then he laughed and said, “Wow, that’s what she
does.”
At this point, because they each understand that they each appreciate the other
person, tension has started to release and things are lightening up. When you’re
in a conflict situation—if people aren’t emotionally ready to deal with the issue,
if they’re so at war that now they really need to get blood on the carpet—the best
thing for you to do is to take a moment and dial things down.
By asking each person or team to tell what the other person’s or team’s
complaint would be about them, you get some real loosening up in the dialogue,
and then you can get back to the issue.
To quickly summarize, the principles of this process are that you separate the
people from the issues. Because we are emotional beings, it often feels like a
personal threat when we have a difference. It doesn’t really matter what the
difference is. If it’s “Oh, you forgot to dot that i,” that’s a personal threat. Any
criticism can be really risky territory—not only to give, but also to receive—
because we’re so wired to protect ourselves.
If you want to succeed in this business of communication, you have to set
yourself aside except as a mirror and receptor. You set your own fears aside
because you realize they’re as automated as anybody else’s. What we’re trying
to do here is to work at a higher level—with ourselves and with others.
Discovery Activity:
Examining Ways You Get Stuck or Make Things Harder
Because the only variable we can control in any situation is ourselves, let’s take
the opportunity to examine our own behavior. For a moment, go back to the
conflict you explored earlier in this chapter in the activity called Identifying One
of Your Conflicts.
Now, rewind to the beginning of the conflict and do a little mind reading.
Say to yourself, “If I were to ask them what’s most challenging about interacting
with me, what would they say?”
What came up?
Say to yourself, “Okay, if that’s true—and if I were them, what would that make
me want to do?”
Notice what came up—and what you learned from standing in their shoes. How
does this new awareness shift your feelings and what’s possible?
Different Strategies? What “Conflict Integration”
and Negotiation Have in Common
As you can see, differences of opinion and heated feelings are natural. So
conflict resolution and negotiation have been hot topics for as long as I can
recall. Despite being an avid learner who’s been in business for decades, I’ve
probably lost more than I’ve won in negotiations. Even so, I’ve always kept
trying to learn—asking myself, “What was this? What happened here? Was there
any part of the process that made any sense at all? Are the good parts replicable?
And what can I do differently next time to avoid the not-so-good parts?”
An Overview: Negotiation
So, let’s talk about negotiation strategies because there are a lot of them out
there. For many years now, the win-win principle has been the basis of effective
negotiation. Shortly after I was introduced to this concept, I had to negotiate a
sales deal with SmithKline Beecham. Although they’re now affiliated with
Glaxo, at the time they were a big player all on their own. I was meeting with
their head purchasing officer and he said, “This will be like the Harvard
negotiation project,” and I thought, “Oh great, win-win.” It wasn’t win-win. It
just meant he’d try to be humane and I should try not to be ornery.
So here’s what I know. In any negotiation, you’re going to end up somewhere in
between what you want and what the other person wants. Whether or not both
parties are happy with that end result doesn’t really have to do with whether they
got everything they came for.
Interesting, isn’t it? If it’s a business negotiation, there are at least four parties at
the table—no matter how many players are physically present. Here are the
parties. First, there are the interests of the entities, the two companies. In this
case, there was my company and there was the big pharmaceutical company—
and there were the purchasing guy and I. His company wanted more for less
money; mine wanted more money for less service. We were at complete odds.
Where could we meet in between?
Negotiation is not “Conflict Integration.” A negotiation is a game and you need
to appreciate that it’s a game. Of course, to win a game, you have to understand
the game and have skills. Although the desired outcome is different, many of the
principles of “Conflict Integration”—in addition to NLP skills like anchoring,
body language, mirroring of predicates and meta-programs, etc.—are quite
useful in negotiation, too.
Negotiation Tips
As you walk into the room, you want to stop and gather yourself. As with any
interaction, you want to bring your energy into a relaxed, calm, welcoming state
before you go into the room because you’re probably going to go into a room
with a bunch of people. Maybe they’re “suits,” maybe they’re union organizers,
maybe they’re family members. It doesn’t matter who they are, but they’re
people with an agenda—and you have one, too.
Although you need to be really clear about your bottom line, your agenda and
approach must be flexible. Because you have no idea where the negotiation is
going to go, you have to accept that you cannot control the outcome. In fact,
there may not be an outcome. You may decide that you have to walk away and
say, “Thanks, but no deal.” You need to own all the possible outcomes so you
can be comfortable when those options arise. That way, you’re never desperate
—which is critical.
In any negotiation, there are four assets at play and on everyone’s minds: time,
money, energy, and emotion. The more time, the more energy, the more
emotion, and the more money that are spent during a negotiation, the more
valuable that negotiation becomes, and this makes the outcome exponentially
more important.
If you understand that these aspects are playing a part in a negotiation game,
then you realize that if you’re not in a rush or in a hurry—you’ve already got one
of the big variables on your side. If you can take as much time as you want, the
other side will feel squeezed by that.
Besides time, there are two other key elements you may be able to optimize.
Number one is the amount of information regarding the issue. Who has the most
information about it? How can you gather additional information? It’s always
advantageous if you (or people working for you) have done a lot of homework to
accurately and thoroughly understand everything about the issue—the various
ways it could be worked out and the associated costs.
The other big element, and this is all perceptual, is who has the power. What’s
that mean? What does power mean? In this case, it means the power to make a
decision—so who has the power in this situation? The answer to that may flip
back and forth—partly because they may not want you to know who has the
power, and partly because different players may be vying for power during the
negotiation.
Generally, the person who’s in position to win is the individual who has the most
time, the most information, and the most power or personal authority on their
side of the table. The power to walk away at any time is one of the greatest
advantages you can have.
And even though you want to win, you’ll do better if you do everything you can
to be a charming, friendly, sincere, collaborative, and understanding
communicator. You do best if you use all the same skills with people you’ve just
met and with people you love. This approach is more humane and it’s easier on
you.
By the same token, you should understand that in a negotiation, your beginning
position is one of no compromise. Ultimately there will be some
accommodation. You want to have room to make concessions. So start with your
end in mind and leave yourself sufficient flexibility. You may be presented with
a variety of ways to get where you want to go, and won’t have to give up much
of what’s really important to you.
I don’t like playing hardball and I try not to do it. But when negotiations get
tough, I’ve been known to say, “Let’s do this: Imagine there’s a hand grenade on
the table. I’m going to pull the pin—then I’m going to put your hand on it to
hold it down and I’m going to put my hand over yours. Now we’re going to
negotiate until we’re both satisfied with the outcome—or until we get tired
enough to let go of the hand grenade and it blows us both up.”
People have laughed about that, but they got that I was completely committed—
that I would spend as much time as was needed to make a deal. I wasn’t
desperate; I was just willing. The thing is, the more willing you are, the more it
shows that you have control of time.
Additional Benefits of Using Meta-Outcomes in Negotiation
As you might imagine, meta-outcomes, which are the vital parts of the “Conflict
Integration,” can also be very useful in negotiation. Although these principles
could apply to a negotiation with a teenager about using the family car on a
weekend, let’s use a business example where there are two or three things on the
table.
Maybe we’re talking about speed of delivery versus pricing, versus bundling
other products if they buy enough quantity. So they’ll make a demand and I’m
looking at that, and what I’d say before I give anything away, before I say yes to
anything at all—in fact, I usually don’t say yes to anything until I see the
complete deal—what I would do is to say, “And if we did that, how would that
benefit your company?”
Why am I asking? Because I want to hear them talk some more and I want to see
their body language. And if there’s more than one person representing their
company’s interests, I want to watch whether they look at each other or whether
somebody is surprised by what the other person says. But even more important
than all of that, I want to know what their meta-outcomes are.
Meta-outcomes aren’t simple things—discovering them requires that you listen
carefully and ask relevant follow-up questions. If, in response to my question
about how that would benefit their company, they said, “Well, if we get a lower
price, that’s important because we have this internal policy that we can’t spend
more than this without getting some sort of special committee approval, which
would slow down the rate at which we can buy your products,” I’d have learned
something, right? But I still need to know more. So I’d say, “And if you get the
fast delivery, what’s important to you about that? How does that work?”
And they tell me, “That means we can order it later in our process and still get it
into our project,” so now I know one of them is just a convenience factor,
ordering later. The other one is a bureaucracy factor. If I can get them a slightly
lower price and maybe a longer delivery, that will work for me.
Because I’ve found what their meta-outcomes are, that’s something I know and
they don’t. I’ve found out why they’re demanding certain things. And even
though it may sometimes feel like they’re putting me over a barrel, they’re
demanding things for a specific reason. Everybody always does. It’s a game with
a lot of unknown variables at play and at stake. Part of your job is to uncover
those elements.
One of the NLP negotiation courses I took was taught by a great guy, an attorney
with quite a sense of humor. He went up to the blackboard and he said,
“Negotiation is win-win.” Then he wrote a quote mark and I thought, “Oh, this
will be interesting.” Then on the board he wrote “win-win” so it looked like this:
“WIN-win.”
He said, “Negotiation is a game and the goal is to win the game. It’s fine to call
the other person a partner in the negotiation because they are your partner in a
game, but they’re also an adversary in terms of the negotiation.” When you can
be realistic about this fact, you can still be very humane and fair-minded. And
when you can keep this is mind, you’ll remember that you’re not trying to get
everything they’ve got and that you must never humiliate them, make them feel
bad about themselves, or rob them of face.
I got a great piece of advice from a mentor of mine who was the chairman of my
company. He always said to me, “Put it the other way around. Walk in their
moccasins.” Because I was always so focused and intense when we worked
together, I needed him to remind me to put it the other way around, to look at it
from the other person’s point of view.
So many of the skills in NLP are about that, aren’t they? They’re about looking
at it from the other person’s point of view. Now it doesn’t mean you live the
other person’s life or you do their job. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree
with their point of view. It just means you develop an understanding of and
appreciation for their position. It gives you insight, empathy, and more clicks on
your dial in terms of how to satisfy their needs—and yours.
When you’re negotiating, it’s as important to learn about the other person as it is
when you’re talking with a friend, loved one, or colleague. We live in a world
surrounded by other humans. The more we can learn about them, the less
concerned we become about ourselves and the more effective we are.
Powerful Emotions: How to Facilitate Discussions
with People Who Are Upset
In earlier chapters we touched on how to deal with difficult people and
situations; let’s explore this a little further now. Every once in a while, I need to
deal with people who are angry. Maybe I made them angry or maybe they were
angry when they got on the phone or in the room, but it doesn’t matter to me. I
could accuse them of waking up on the wrong side of the bed or of not getting
enough love lately, but that wouldn’t be helpful. Regardless of what made the
person angry, you have to work with the human being in front of you.
So, when I’m interacting with someone who is in a bad mood or was angry—or
angry with me—the first thing I want to know is how they feel. I don’t feel
attacked when somebody’s angry; I just feel they’re angry. And I want to know
how they feel. How angry are they?
So I might say, “If I had to guess, I’d say you’re feeling really angry. It might be
because I was late on that phone call two weeks ago,” or if I have no clue, I’ll
say, “It feels like you’re really angry. Can you tell me about it?” and let them go.
Remember, we want to help people exhale. Until they exhale, until they relieve
the pressure, there’s no listening or real communication anyway, so you let them
exhale.
When they seem to run out of steam, you can say, “Tell me more,” or you can
ask the question “Is that because of . . .” and let them go. Then you can say,
“How upset are you?” and let them tell you that. Next you say, “Is there
anything I can do to contribute to changing the situation?”
“Well, no. I just wanted you to listen—that’s all. I just had to blow off some
steam. Thanks a lot.”
Once they’ve been heard, they’re probably ready to let you be heard. Or they’ll
say, “Yes, you can. You can keep your damn promises. When you say you’ll call
me at a certain time, call me at that time.”
I wish I could say that I’ve never responded defensively to getting feedback. I’ve
been guilty of blasting back with “Well, you’re no better,” or “Look, I had this
going on. If you’re not adult enough to understand that . . .” I’ve done a lot of
that kind of reactive behavior and it’s cost me.
So when we’re interacting with someone who’s emotional or people who are
generally kind of difficult, it’s important to remember that they’re the ones who
are uncomfortable. They’re involved in something that’s hard for them; so don’t
respond with discomfort of your own. Just get what’s happening there and that
these are the folks who are really in pain, not you or me.
So before you can have a communication with them that’s in your own selfinterest, you need to do something to help loosen that up. The key here is you
can’t label them in advance, “Oh, that guy’s just another pain in the ass. He
wants everything in the world.” You can’t do that. You can’t say, “Oh, they’re
lazy. If they had taken the time to do X earlier, they wouldn’t be in this trouble
right now.”
Drop all your judgments. Most of us live in glass houses, right? If you can just
accept that, it doesn’t matter that you’re not as imperfect as some other poor
slob. For the moment, we want to be in league with this person. Because we
want to work with them, we want no defensiveness at all on our part. We’re just
there to be of service and to listen.
In my own mind right now, I can hear a voice saying, “Oh right, you’re just
going to lie down? You’re going to be a doormat? You’re going to be a
punching bag? They won’t have any respect for you.” That dialogue comes from
an old map of the world. It’s simple to understand, but it’s not true.
For almost two decades, I’ve been practicing fairly sophisticated communication
with people, and I’ve learned that sincerely seeking to understand them makes
their respect for you go up and your stress level go way down. When you don’t
have the need to defend yourself or to get even or any of that stuff, you can be
much more humane dealing with other people. The most powerful position is the
one you don’t need to defend.
Now, is it a lot of fun to be yelled at or to be abused or even to hear somebody’s
emotional baggage? Of course it’s not; but so what? If you sign up for the job of
communicating with your fellow humans, you have to take them as they come.
Sometimes that includes bad breath or bad manners, and sometimes that includes
pretty bad feelings. It is whatever it is. You’re going to care about them anyway
because all these conditions are temporary.
When someone’s upset, they’re a lot like a patient in the emergency room.
Because they’re in the grip of some kind of pain or emotion, they’re in fight-orflight mode. They’re not thinking; they’re feeling. So, when you’re with them,
don’t focus on being mad, afraid, or defensive. Instead focus on them. The more
resourceful you can be, the more helpful you can be, and the more appreciated
you will become.
So, if after you’ve let them completely vent, you’re clear that there’s nothing
you can do about this—if this is just something that they had to get off their
chest and they thank you for it—you can move on or you can say, “I’m curious:
what’s impossible about this that you really would want?”
This does two things for them. First, you’re still talking about something “out
there.” In fact, as I hear my own language, I’d probably say, “What’s impossible
about that?” because that would put it even further away in their physical mind.
Then let them tell you what’s impossible about it. Next you could say, “Okay,
what would make it possible?” That’s a very simple and very powerful question:
“What would make it possible?”
Asking these kinds of questions—“What would it be like if it did? What would it
be like if you could? What would it be like if we worked this out?”—shifts the
entire basis of thought from impossibility to desire. I find that sharing Nelson
Mandela’s wisdom often inspires people to embrace possibility. He said, “It
always seems impossible until it’s done.”
As you know, these kinds of questions create a significant physiological
response in the human brain; they actually engage more neurons. Then people
truly have more brainpower to work with because when it’s impossible, it’s
impossible. It’s like having your foot caught in a trap. All you can do is tug on
the trap and feel the pain.
But if you imagine what it’s like for something to be possible, now you’re not
focusing on the impossibility, you’re focusing on: “Wow, what would it be like?
And what would make that possible? Hmm, I wonder what things need to be
rearranged? Maybe there’s a little more wiggle room over there than I thought.”
It just starts to loosen up the mind, so it can move forward and entertain options.
The Unexpected Strategy:
An Approach to Consider When You’re Upset
What if you’re the person who’s upset? Perhaps there’s someone in your life
who’s been a problem for you, disappointed you a bit, or hasn’t stepped up. This
person might be a family member, a coworker, a client, or a vendor. For me, I
found more of these challenges at work than at home. And when somebody who
worked for me dropped the ball, I used to call them into my office and say,
“What’s your problem?” Not an ideal response, right?
A better thing to do—and this is something I tried only a few times before I
retired, but it worked like magic—is to call them in and say, “You know, I’ve
been thinking about you and about the demands I place on you. And I think I
owe you an apology.”
Because the other person’s expecting to get called on the carpet, this really
throws them for a loop. They’re thinking, “Huh?”
I say, “Yeah, the more I think about this, I imagine that you must feel like I don’t
take you into consideration, I just impose things on you. I give you unrealistic
deadlines—I have no sympathy for your personal issues—and you must feel like
you can’t get it done and, even if you do, you’re not going to be appreciated. I
want you to know I’m really sorry for creating a situation like that for you. I
apologize and I’m going to do better.”
The person’s waiting because they’re thinking, “This is one of those psychology
sandwich things.” You know, the kind of sandwich where you give them a
compliment, then you give them a criticism, then you give them a compliment.
What I’m recommending is a different kind of approach. This is where you don’t
give them a compliment, you give them an apology of substance—and then you
thank them for their time. In other words, you just did the unexpected and you
made them feel heard. You made their feelings feel felt, and you didn’t demand
anything from them. You left it with that.
When people have this kind of experience with you, it’s like a “reset”—and
they’ll return to being their best self. If they have more they’d like to talk with
you about, you’ve just made it safe and inviting for that, too.
Whether an opportunity is internal to you, with one other person, or with a
group, you now have several new, effective ways to facilitate creative
collaboration and “Conflict Integration.” Although these strategies are useful
with most people, I recommend that you consider using these approaches with
people who are occasionally difficult, but not with people who are just plain
toxic. This will help you maintain your personal integrity and control of your
life.
Whenever you’re interacting with others, you, and they, have a more positive
experience when you are curious and creative. Creativity is about multiplying
choices. Most of what we’ve talked about throughout this book is about
increasing your choices.
When you think about your life, the things that pinch and the things that hurt us
and the things we regret are usually limitations, occasions and places where we
believed our choices were restricted. NLP is all about creating more choices so
you can have more of what you really want.
Key Ideas
• Having expectations or being on autopilot filters out information—
which limits thinking and options.
• The Well-Formed Outcome model (Chapter 2) can be used effectively
alone, with a partner, or with a group.
• Creativity is about multiplying choices. People can free up and more
easily access their creative talents when they quiet inner dialogue,
loosen up, and drop their filters.
• Part of Walt Disney’s genius was to employ his inner Dreamer, his
Realist, and his Critic separately and in sequence whenever he wanted
to create something new. He’d use each of these mental roles in a
positive, collaborative way. His strategy can be used alone or with a
group.
• People engaged in a conflict often feel stuck, and then their emotions
take over, which puts them in a fight-or-flight mode.
• Learning someone’s goal-behind-the-goal enables you to understand
what’s really important and usually makes it easier to find common
ground.
• Once people in conflict can agree upon mutual goals or metaoutcomes, then they can work together to achieve those goals in a way
that’s acceptable to both of them.
• The same kind of sorting process and identification of goals-behindthe-goals can be used to help someone who’s experiencing an internal
conflict. Once this person’s competing parts find common ground, the
remaining steps of the “Conflict Integration Process” can be used to
resolve the issue.
• If a conflict has been going on for a while, the fight may have become
personal—and the “gloves are off.” In these situations, it helps to ask
each party, “If I were to ask the other person what’s most difficult
about interacting or working with you, what do you think they’d say?”
Next we’d build on their answer by asking, “Okay, if that’s true, then
what would that make them want to do?” Then, of course, we’d ask
these same questions of the other party. These inquiries enable them to
see and depersonalize behaviors that they’ve been judging.
• Although negotiation is a game where someone wants to and will win,
some aspects of the “Conflict Integration Process” are still useful—
such as: centering yourself, using rapport skills to get people talking,
zooming out, noticing nonverbal behaviors and language patterns, and
learning about the goals-behind-the-goals.
• Effective preparation for any negotiation includes considering all
possible outcomes– including “no deal”—so feelings of desperation
are not driving behaviors and decisions.
• In most business negotiations, there are at least four sets of interests
involved—the other person’s and yours, as well as their company’s
and your company’s.
• The four assets at play in most negotiations are time, money, energy,
and emotion. If someone’s not in a hurry to agree on and implement a
solution, they may be able to leverage time to their advantage.
• In any negotiation, it’s critical to have access to all the information
related to the issues—and to understand who, on the other side of the
table, has the authority to make a decision.
• When dealing with difficult people, it’s important to help them feel
heard and felt by asking questions, letting them blow off steam,
naming the emotion—then moving them from being stuck to
considering possibilities.
• If someone is upset with another person, a very unexpected and
effective way to approach them is to say, “I’ve been thinking about the
expectations I’ve had of you—and I think I owe you an apology. The
more I think about our situation, I imagine you must feel like I don’t
take you into consideration . . .” This helps the other person feel felt,
doesn’t add any new demands, and frees them up to go back to being
their best self.
To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended
Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/8-
13 or use the QR code with your phone.
Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On
CHAPTER NINE: MAINTAINING YOUR MOMENTUM WITH NLP
What’s next?
Your life will be no better than the plans you make and the action you take. You
are the architect and builder of your own life, fortune, and destiny.
—Alfred A. Montapert
Recent research suggests that many of us buy books but never read them. We
buy memberships to the health club, but never go. We buy clothes we never
wear and power tools we never use. The list, as you might imagine, goes on and
on.
Having gotten this far in the book, you’re already an exception. You’ve
demonstrated your genuine commitment to improving your life. In using the
NLP principles and techniques you’ve explored, I know that you’ve experienced
some positive personal changes—and I hope that you’re motivated to continue to
enhance your new skills.
Journey Highlights: What You Learned
Before recommending ways you might do that, let’s step back for a moment and
reflect on a few highlights of the territory we’ve covered together. You’ve
learned about: • NLP’s key presuppositions
• How you “work” using your body, brain, and mind • The way you
use all five senses to process, sort, and store your experiences
• How to notice incongruity in yourself and in others • How your
mind uses a shorthand to take in, filter, make sense of, and manage
incoming data • The power of intentional and unintentional visual,
auditory, and kinesthetic anchors Building upon these basics, you
discovered:
• How subtle shifts in sub-modalities can create big changes in your
remembered, present, and future experiences • The importance of
where you are in the experience, whether you’re associated or
disassociated • New ways to prevent and minimize personal stress
• The ways you motivate yourself and how to get unstuck when you
are distracted, procrastinating, or resistant to doing something specific
• Nonverbal behaviors that might provide clues to what is going on
with someone else and shapes how they are in the world • Ways to
create good connections with others by easily building rapport,
demonstrating interest, and making them feel felt Building upon these
basics, you discovered:
• How people process differently and that by adjusting your natural
preferences—representational systems, sense of time, meta-programs,
etc.—you can more easily and effectively communicate • The
power of beliefs—and how each individual’s beliefs shape their
experience, decisions, interactions, and identity • Ways that
conflicts occur and how to increase collaboration for more enjoyable
relationships and successful outcomes Hands-on Experiences: NLP
Techniques and Strategies You Worked With • Creating an anchor
• Shifting sub-modalities
• Enhancing your self-concept
• Mirroring/Matching
• Reframing
• Using metaphors
• Asking the Well-Formed Outcome questions
• Using the:
– Auditory Swish Process
– Eye Movement Integration Process
– Conflict Integration Process
– Conflict Integration Process
– Curiosity Shunt Installation
– Disney Strategy
– Godiva Chocolate Process
Next Steps: Options for Additional Development
At this point, it might be tempting to put this book on the shelf and move on to a
new resource that will help you continue to enhance your life and get more of
what you want. Before you do that, consider this: In exploring NLP, you’ve
already established an excellent foundation to make powerful personal changes.
Why not build on that?
Rather than seek out the next book or online course, what would it be like if you
could expand how you use NLP even more?
I’ve found that the more I learn about NLP, the more I learn about myself—and
the more options I have for successfully making the changes in myself and my
life. If you’ve been making notes or keeping a journal about your discoveries
and dreams, you may already have a list of changes you’d like to pursue. Pick
one. When you’ve made progress with that, pick another. You get the drift.
The goal is to keep NLP in the foreground of your busy life—to use the
principles and processes frequently enough that they become part of how you
think and operate. If that sounds like a lot of work, it doesn’t have to be. In just
five to ten minutes each day, you can strengthen your knowledge and skills. This
small investment can pay big dividends.
If you’re someone who likes having a track to run on, we’ve created a 21-Day
Guide that can get you started. You can use the preprinted guide at the end of
this chapter or go online to access a version you can type into. Of course, it’s just
a guide—you can do the activities sequentially, or skip around. You can even
repeat all the activities—just using a different focus.
I said in the Introduction that NLP is more important today than ever before.
Because technology keeps us in constant connection, we are continuously
stimulated by information and interactions with others that we hardly have time
to think. By now, learning NLP has provided you with insight into your personal
thinking patterns—and helped you manage and change these if you wish. And
you’ve learned whole new ways of dealing with other people and understanding
how they are thinking and feeling. Great tools for the road ahead, aren’t they?
I’d like to leave you with a final thought that was well expressed by Samuel
Johnson. Here it is: “Life affords no higher pleasure than that of surmounting
difficulties, passing from one step of success to another, forming new wishes and
seeing them gratified.”
Now you have new tools to do exactly that. I wish you an exciting and rewarding
journey—and I appreciate the opportunity to have shared mine with you.
21-Day Guide:
The Next Steps to Creating the Person You Want to Be
This guide is adapted, with NLP Comprehensive’s generous permission, from
NLP: The New Technology of Achievement.
The best time to complete this portion of the book is after you’ve read all the
chapters. This guide builds on the NLP ideas and techniques you’ve explored
throughout the book and applies them in new ways. Continuing to play with
these ideas and processes will increase your mastery of this breakthrough
technology and allow you to integrate them as a way to naturally navigate life.
Even though there are recommended activities for each day, there’s no rule that
says you can’t do more than one a day, as long as you’re giving each activity the
full attention it deserves. Once you’ve completed this program, you may want to
return to the days that you found most useful or appreciated the most, and repeat
them for greater benefit. Or you may want to return to the days that didn’t seem
to offer you much; repeating these opportunities might produce different results
or reveal something about yourself. You can also simply repeat the entire
program from the beginning. Do any of these activities as often as you like, until
all of your goals are reached or you feel you’ve learned everything this book has
to offer, whichever comes first.
Although there is workbook space provided on the following pages, you may
prefer to use your own notebook or download one of the online versions by
going to: http://eg.nlpco.com/21-1 or use the QR code with your phone.
Week 1: Going for Your Goals
Day 1: Finding Your Current Coordinates
In order to achieve anything, you need to know where you want to go, right? It’s
also critical to know where you are right now so you can plot a course from here
to the fulfillment of your dreams.
Almost all of us, probably without ever really thinking about it, have divided our
lives into what we like and what we don’t like. NLP cofounder Richard Bandler
remarked that while we’re clear about what we like and don’t like, we probably
haven’t noticed that we can subdivide our likes and dislikes into the things we
like or want but don’t have—for example, a new car, a vacation or a promotion
—and the things we don’t like or don’t want and have—like too many pounds, a
quick temper, or badly behaved pets.
To begin, consider what you really like about your life. These can be significant
achievements—like hitting a home run, receiving your first “A,” or getting an
important promotion, and they can also be the simplest of moments—listening to
the sound of waves, watching a child sleep, savoring chocolate ice cream. Make
your list as long and full as your time allows.
To simplify this process, you can use the following worksheet or one of the
online versions. For now, just complete column 1, indicating the things you want
and have in your life.
Now to the more expected question: What do you have that you don’t want in
your life? Many of us spend much of our lives on this question in one form or
another. As you consider this question, feel free to include those extra pounds,
troublesome habits, being stuck in traffic, days your boss is a jerk, or whatever it
is that “rains on your parade.” Complete column 3 of your worksheet, making
this list as long and as full as your time allows.
Now to the NLP question: What do you want in your life that you don’t have?
This is the time to write down your “wish list.” Begin anywhere—with your
work, home, love life, finances, or whatever. Include your important dreams and
also write down at least a few of the everyday dreams, too—like sunny skies,
clean sheets, or fresh-brewed coffee. In column 2, write these ideas and make the
list as full as your time allows.
The final column is the less-thought-of category: what you don’t want in your
life and you don’t have. If you’re like most people, you probably haven’t spent
much time mulling over this possibility, so take a few minutes now. There are
obvious things like a dreaded disease, crushing debt, a crippled child, chronic
pain, the inability to work, etc. There are also many other things that you’ve
never thought of wanting, and you don’t want to try them—hang gliding, a
prison sentence, a trip to a toxic waste site, etc. Include several of these on your
list, too. Capture these ideas in column 4 on the worksheet.
Finding Your Current Coordinates Worksheet
Follow the instructions on the prior page
to complete each column below.
Take a look at your four lists. Make sure you have at least
several items in each column and that each item
that you wrote down is real and specific.
Once you’ve reviewed and refined your completed list,
answer the questions provided on the next page.
Looking at your lists again, notice:
• Which list is the longest and which is shortest
• Which list was the easiest to create and which was the most difficult
• Which list feels most familiar and which one is least familiar
As you look from list to list, are you comparing items of equal importance, or do
you find you have “mountains” on one list and “molehills” on another?
Right now, which list currently draws your attention more?
As you look over your answers, how do you feel about them?
Do you like the items on your lists, or do you want to change some of them?
As you go to sleep tonight, let your mind wander over how things are, and how
you’d like them to be. If anything significant comes up, add it to your list.
Day 2: Discovering Your
Motivation Direction and Priorities
Yesterday you discovered your current coordinates. Today you’ll focus on two
of the lists you made: what you Want & Don’t Have and what you Don’t Want &
Have. Which list currently occupies more of your attention? Remember the
meta-program that describes a person’s motivation direction as away-from or
toward (from Chapters 4 and 6)? The Want & Don’t Have list is another way of
describing a toward motivation, while Don’t Want & Have is another way of
describing an away-from motivation. Notice which list is more important to you
now. Begin with that list first. Review the items and prioritize them. What do
you want to change most? What do you want to change next—after that, and so
on? Use any ranking system you like.
After you finish prioritizing your first list, do the same with the second list.
Once you have prioritized both lists, consider which change, if you were to get
it, would make the most difference in your life. It might be one of your topranked items, and then again, it might seem at first to be a minor one. For
example, how much difference would it make to everything else in your life if
you began each day in a good mood? What small but significant change could
you make in your day now that would encourage this—the perfect latte, a
healthy breakfast, upbeat music, stimulating conversation, comfortable shoes?
Review your priorities again to identify items that seem most likely, once they
shift, to produce the biggest change. Star or highlight these items.
Day 3: Making Your Dreads into Dreams
Look again at your prioritized list for what you Don’t Want & Have. If this is
one of your longer lists, today’s activity will be even more important for you.
When someone has a well-developed away-from motivation direction, they
naturally pay a lot more attention to what they don’t like and don’t want. While
this can be motivating, they ultimately won’t experience much satisfaction. As
they get further away from what they don’t like, they get relief and less stress,
but not excitement, satisfaction, or achievement. To experience a sense of
fulfillment an away-from person needs a reorientation of attention. They can
tremendously benefit by redirecting attention from what is not wanted to what is
wanted. This activity, using the items you already listed, will help you explore
redirecting your attention from what you don’t want to what you do want.
Copy items from your newly prioritized Don’t Want & Have list onto the next
page.
Next, take each item you Don’t Want & Have and think of a positive phrase that
means the same thing to you, but is something you Don’t Have & Want. For
example: If you Don’t Want & Have a few extra pounds, what you probably
Don’t Have & Want is a slimmer, more muscular body. If you Don’t Want &
Have a dead-end job, then you Don’t Have & Want work with more
opportunities. Create a transformation for every Don’t Want & Have into a new
Don’t Have & Want that is satisfying to you. Write down each transformation
for future reference.
Dreads into Dreams Transformation Worksheet
Day 4: Turning Your Dreams
and Desires into Achievable Goals
Review your original list of Don’t Have & Want and yesterday’s new list of
Don’t Have & Want. Compare these two lists and merge them according to your
current priorities. You may want to arrange them in their new order. Of course,
as new items come into your awareness, feel free to add these to your list.
Now pick one of your top-priority goals, and take it all the way through the
Well-Formed Outcome model using the worksheet on the next two pages or
downloading one of the online versions from http://eg.nlpco.com/2-1 or use the
QR code with your phone.
Well-Formed Outcome Worksheet
1. What specifically do you want? Describe your desired outcome or state in
a positive, sensory-based way that’s an appropriate chunk size and also
addresses WHAT ELSE having or achieving your outcome will do for you
(Meta-Outcomes).
2. How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want? Determine if
the “evidence” you’re focused on is appropriate and timely (soon and
regular enough).
3. Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want
to have this result? Reflect on the context(s) in which you want to have this
outcome and evaluate the ecology so you can consider how achieving this
result may affect other areas, aspects, or people in your life.
4. What stops you from having your desired outcome already? Identify and
explore any feelings, thoughts, or circumstances that seem to inhibit
movement toward your outcome.
5. What resources will you need to help you create what you want?
Determine what resources you ALREADY have that will help you
(knowledge, money, connections, etc.). Consider additional resources you’ll
need to move forward.
6. How are you going to get there? Identify manageable steps to help achieve
your result, consider multiple options to get where you want to go, and
determine the FIRST step you’ll take.

Day 5: Making Your Goals Irresistible
Most of us are drawn to what we find attractive. It fills our attention and directs
our decisions and behavior. Now that you have turned your dreams and desires
into achievable goals, you can make them so compelling that you will naturally
be drawn toward them. Remember to only use the following steps with goals
you’ve fully taken through the Well-Formed Outcome questions, because it’s
possible to make unwise or impossible goals compelling. (Unrequited love and
quixotic dreams are two examples.) There are better uses of your energy and this
technology.
Take one high-priority goal from your list and begin by imagining the goal in
your mind’s eye and seeing yourself having already achieved it. If the goal isn’t
already a movie, have it take the form of a movie now. Increase the size and
brightness of these images, adding vivid colors and dimension. Notice the way
this intensifies how attracted you feel to the goal. Continue to increase the
movie’s size, brightness, and color as long as the feelings of attraction are
intensifying until they plateau; then hold them there. Add rich, exciting, upbeat
music to your movie of the goal. Have the music become surround sound so it’s
coming from all directions. Hear strong, supportive, encouraging voices cheering
you on to your future. Fully enjoy this mental movie and the associated feelings.
Having done one example thoroughly and experienced the effectiveness, you’ll
easily be able to take any of your other goals through this same process at any
time you desire.
Day 6: Creating Inevitable Success
Creating inevitable success means setting your brain on the path to achieving
your goal in such a way that it’s working on your goal all day long—whether
you are conscious of it or not. When you’ve vividly imagined that you have
already achieved your goal and foreseen a possible path to get there, traveling
the actual path becomes much easier.
This is the process of “chunking” down a journey into the actual steps you need
to take to get there. To accomplish this, you’ll need to imagine going into the
future to become the “you” who has already achieved your goal.
When you momentarily become the future “you” who has already achieved your
goal, you can visit what is now your past and review the actions and decisions
that inevitably led to this achievement. As you review the steps you took, you’ll
notice different resources that helped you along the way.
Then, keeping this path in mind, return to the present to plan for your future and
take the necessary actions in the present.
Having thoroughly completed this process and experienced how effective it is,
you’ll easily be able to identify the steps and resources you need to achieve an
important goal.
Day 7: Appreciating the Rest of Your Life
Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People identifies the
importance of personal renewal—physical, mental, social/emotional, and
spiritual renewal. Yet, with the ever-increasing reach of technology, the
demands of life seem to expand well beyond the available hours in a day. As we
juggle and struggle to keep up, many of us move rest and renewal to the bottom
of the list. This decision can come at a price—to our well-being and to our
relationships.
Today’s activity is as important as each of the rest of the days in this guide. It
builds a foundation for heightened awareness, appreciation, and positive action.
Looking back to Day 1, you’ll see a list titled Have & Want. These are things
that you want in your life that you already have. In the rush to keep up, grow,
and achieve, it’s often easy to forget the good things in your life and how far
you’ve come.
Take time today to review this list in detail. Really notice what you like about
your life. Linger over any items that draw you in. Savor them. If you find that
doing this prompts you to call someone, send a note, go sit outside, take a
moment in meditation or prayer, or do something so that these items appear
more often in your future—great! As you begin to enumerate and appreciate
what you Have & Want, you may notice that additional things you have and
appreciate or enjoy come up. Feel free to include these on your list.
When you have completely reviewed your Have & Want list, in your mind’s eye
look over the previous week or month and notice what you have done with this
book and program to improve the quality of your life and yourself. Notice the
activities you’ve completed, what you’ve learned, and what you’ve achieved.
Consider what you could do for yourself right now to appreciate or celebrate the
investment and progress you’ve made.
Week 2: Persuasive Communication
Day 8: Finding and Transmitting Your Mission
To communicate your life mission is to speak what’s in your heart. Men and
women who live out their life missions are naturally charismatic. They have a
compelling clarity, persuasiveness, and commitment that stems from their vision.
All communication techniques pale in the face of simple words said by someone
who truly believes them.
Before doing today’s exercise, it’s helpful to have taken at least two of your
priority goals completely through the Well-Formed Outcome model. You need
to have made these goals into compelling futures by enriching them visually,
auditorily, and kinesthetically. If you haven’t done this yet, make that today’s
exercise.
Having done that, get each of these important goals in mind simultaneously and
ask yourself the following questions.
• What do these goals have in common?
• What themes or elements appear in all or most of them?
• How do these goals express your life’s passion?
• How do they express your deepest values and principles?
Write down, draw, or even act out your answers.
Remember, you’re in search of your life mission. This is not something you
decide; it is something that emerges from within you. Take time to explore what
deeply motivates what is most important to you. This could easily take more
than the time you’ve allotted to complete today’s activity. Begin now and find
out what “bubbles up” for you—today, as well as in the days and weeks to come.
Visions emerge from dreams, daydreams, and spontaneous thoughts. Be curious
about how you’ll discover yours.
Once you have a sense of your mission, share it with someone. Expressing it will
help refine your mission and serve as an invitation to others. Who might want to
participate in your mission or at least cheer you on, if he or she only knew about
it?
Day 9: Listening with Rapport
As you know, listening is key to creating rapport and to understanding. The kind
of listening that notices how another sees, hears, feels, and thinks demonstrates
intention and invites you into someone else’s world.
When someone is face-to-face with you, there’s an incredible amount of
information being communicated: the words, gestures, emotions, and
unconscious cues. Although in-person communication is more complete, in
today’s environment much of our communication is done by phone, email, or
texting.
Today, practice your listening and rapport-building skills when you’re on the
phone. While listening to the other person talk, play with speaking at the same
speed or tempo as they are. Experiment with using their intonation patterns. If
their voice is flat, flatten your voice. If they are expressive, try speaking more
expressively.
Here’s something you can do to build rapport on the phone or by email. Keep the
following list of “process” words handy and begin to “feed back” to your callers
the same kind of words they use. For more details on communicating in
someone’s preferred representational channel, refer to Chapter 7.
Generic or Unspecified Words:
Know, Understand, Believe, Notice, Discover, Consider, Communicate Visual:
See, Look, Watch, Peak, Imagine, Appear, Reveal, Perception Auditory:
Hear, Listen, Tell, Ask, Sounds, In Tune, Tonality, Whisper Kinesthetic:
Feel, Touch, Grasp, Catch On, Contact, Push, Reach, Impression Words that
imply . . .
Visualization:
Color, Sparkle, Contrast, Flash, Snapshot
Sound:
Dissonance, Crackle, Silence, Orchestrate, Noise Feelings & Sensations:
Weigh In, Curious, Warm, Soft, Impact
Day 10: The Magic of Physical Alignment
As you know from Chapter 5, 93 percent of the emotional content of face-to-face
communication is nonverbal—so words are only 7 percent of a communication.
With every person you meet face-to-face, practice matching his or her body
language and gestures. If they move slowly and deliberately, do the same. If they
move quickly or gesture a lot, then move more at their rate and add some
gestures that are similar to theirs.
For a completely different experience, first mismatch the other person’s
nonverbal behavior (moving fast when they move slowly, gesturing a lot when
they don’t gesture at all) and then, after rapport has begun to drop off, reestablish
it again by matching their rhythms and gestures.
Day 11: The Secret to Wonderful Feelings
Today, make it your secret mission to encourage whomever you meet to feel
better. You might compliment them, simply smile, or gently (and appropriately)
touch their arm or shoulder. Experiment with different approaches in different
situations. Write down your results at the end of the day.
You can also encourage yourself. Here’s how:
• What emotion, if you could experience it at least several times every
day, would make your life smoother and more wonderful?
• What are three things you could do to encourage this emotion in
yourself?
• How will you begin to integrate these three things so you can enjoy
your chosen emotion more often?
Day 12: Understanding the Values of the Heart
As you know from Day 9’s activity, listening is much more than the physical act
of hearing. Today, focus your NLP listening skills on noticing, understanding,
and exploring the heartfelt values of others.
In your interactions, listen for their goals and values. Repeat aloud what you
hear about their goals and values to give them an opportunity to confirm or
clarify your understanding. Ask them what’s important about achieving their
goals and values. When you elicit their meta-outcome(s), you’re asking for their
higher and deeper values, their heartfelt values. Really listen to what they tell
you. As you do this, you’ll notice there are many different heartfelt values, and
all of them are uniquely important to the individuals who hold them.
Because deeply held values drive people’s goals and choices, you may even
want to start a file of heartfelt values for the folks you frequently interact with.
As you increase your acuity of noticing and understanding values, you’re likely
to discover that these are important criteria that must be met before a person will
completely commit themselves to something. One of the most empowering
things you can do is assist the people around you in finding ways to express their
heartfelt values. Where people express their hearts and passion, they also release
their talents.
Day 13: Finding Motivation and Giving Direction
An effective parent, teacher, manager, or other person in authority gives those he
or she is responsible for clear and positive goals with measurable evidence of
achievement. This way everyone in a partnership, team, or family not only
knows what the goals are, they also know how to recognize when these have
been achieved.
Successful leaders also communicate how the goals and values of the enterprise
are in alignment with the goals and heartfelt values of all the individuals who are
involved.
Review the previous day’s list of goals, values, and heartfelt values. Pick one or
two of the individuals from whom you’ve gathered information about their
heartfelt goals and values.
Ask them what the fulfillment of their goals and heartfelt values will do for them
—then listen for the motivation direction that’s expressed in their answers. What
do you notice? Do they want to attain or achieve something—moving ever closer
toward it—or do they want relief and release in getting away from it? Notice
whether they are more interested in solving problems (away-from motivation) or
pursuing goals (toward motivation).
Build on this awareness whenever you’re giving instructions or offering
guidance; this will allow you to communicate with them in ways they will much
more readily understand and appreciate. For more details, review Chapter 7.
Day 14: Appreciating the Love in the World for You
On this day of rest, take a few moments to reflect on the people in your life who
love and care for you. You’ve obviously touched their lives in some way.
In your mind’s eye, visit each one and imagine what it would be like to be this
person and then notice what he or she appreciates about you most.
Most likely, you’ll notice things you’ve done together and ways you’ve been
“there” for this loved one, so far. You might have in mind some important
situations or events you shared.
Also take time to notice the ways your presence—in silence, in jest, in
seriousness, and in just being—have also touched this person. When you have
given yourself an opportunity to appreciate this first loved one’s perspective, do
this again with another key person in your life. If time permits, do this
appreciation process with several loved ones.
When you have done this imagining with at least two loved ones, notice any
patterns of appreciation. Are they different from what you expected before this
activity? Take a few additional moments and let yourself absorb as much as you
can of the acceptance, acknowledgment, appreciation, and affection you’ve just
discovered. If this prompts you to call someone, send a note, take a moment in
meditation or prayer, or do something so this experience appears more often in
your future—great! Take the actions you’re inspired to take and see what
happens.
Week 3: The Peak Performance Program
Day 15: Stepping out of Limitations and into Resources
When many people think of achieving peak performance, they often turn their
attention to the obstacles they think are blocking their way. Henry Ford once
said, “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” It’s true, right?
Achieving peak performance has much more to do with how we think about our
experience than with our actual experience.
To demonstrate this for yourself, begin by noticing how you mentally “code” the
positive and negative memories in your life. Are you associated (into the
memories as if they are happening to you now) or are you disassociated
(watching yourself on a TV or a movie screen) in your memories? Take enough
time to sample several memories. You may even want to list them.
Very often, people find they have inadvertently coded many of their negative
memories in the associated form and therefore reexperience them, and the
negative feelings, strongly at inappropriate times. For example, they may vividly
relive a social embarrassment as they are about to speak to a group, or they
remember earlier rejections as they are about to explore a new relationship.
Now let’s look at the other side. Check to discover if you are associated into
your positive and resourceful memories. Too often, people have accidentally
coded these in the disassociated form and thereby made their own resources
inaccessible to themselves. Both of these memory codes can be changed for the
better.
Begin by thinking of a single negative memory that is specific and associated.
As you begin to reexperience it, vividly imagine yourself stepping out of it. Now
see that memory at some distance away from you, with a big black frame around
it and thick glass separating what is in the heavy picture frame from what is
outside it. Examine the heavily framed picture to confirm that a younger you
from that time is truly in that image and that you are outside it. Notice how
different the feelings are now?
Take your time and repeat this process with another associated negative memory
that you wish to change. If there are quite a few, make a plan to change several
of them each day until you’ve shifted them all.
Day 16: Amplifying What Is Excellent
One way to achieve excellence is to remove the roadblocks and difficulties on
the way to your goals. Another is to amplify the excellence so much that the
roadblocks just become little bumps in the road.
Pick an area of your life where you’re already excelling. Find a real and specific
event, a memory of personal excellence you’re pleased to remember—and relive
it. As you begin to reexperience it, also begin to amplify it. Make it bigger and
brighter and more colorful and compelling.
As you enjoy this excellence thoroughly, where would you like to experience it
in your near future? Vividly imagine that happening now.
And where would you like to experience this resource in your longer-term
future? Take this resource to that future time and notice how real that excellent
future moment feels now.
Continue to place this amplified excellence in your future moments wherever
you want or need them.
When you have “spread it around” to your satisfaction, let it go and recall
another memory of personal excellence and repeat the process. By amplifying
more and more moments of personal excellence and placing them in your future,
you will raise the overall quality of your life—as well as the level of your
performance—and you’re making them a much more likely occurrence. For
more details on using sub-modalities and anchoring, refer to Chapter 2.
Day 17: Accelerating Your Learning
In every endeavor, there are usually new skills to learn. How easily, efficiently,
and effectively you learn them can make a tremendous difference, right? Two
crucial aspects of learning are how to acquire good “form” from the beginning
and how to successfully reprogram poor form created by habitual errors.
In Chapter 3, we talked about the study in which college students were asked to
shoot basketball free-throws after mental rehearsal or actual practice. As you
may recall, those that didn’t practice at all showed no improvement, while the
students who mentally rehearsed scored within a point of the students who
actually got to physically practice. This study provided some of the first hard
evidence about the power of visualization. Today athletes in every field—and
professionals in other disciplines—practice some kind of visualization to perfect
their performance.
NLP also recognizes how mental rehearsal stimulates and reinforces the same
neural pathways and micromuscle movements as the actual activity. The mind
and body are learning, remembering, and developing habits from both kinds of
rehearsal. Whether your activity is rock climbing, a job interview, or a
presentation to a client, you can use this for yourself.
And whenever your performance is extraordinary, you can increase the
likelihood of a repeat performance by taking a moment to mentally rehearse
your excellence. Since you just performed it, the patterns are fresh in your mind
and body. Mental rehearsal will reaccess these pathways again each time you
relive the experience—that day, the next day, and in the weeks to come.
Replaying your excellence makes it more and more your consistent performance
pattern.
On the other side, if you’ve developed a habit that no longer serves you, whether
it’s an athletic misalignment like a slice, or a useless behavior pattern like
performance anxiety, you can eliminate it by “writing over it”!
You can do this by first reviewing your undesirable experience from a
disassociated position. In your mental movie, see yourself with your undesired
habit. Keeping the beginning of the movie the same, consider how would you
like it to turn out differently. Watch the movie again starting from the beginning,
only this time, watch yourself with a more useful response. Try several
alternatives and pick one you like best. Now step into this new revised movie as
a real and associated experience. Start at its beginning and vividly experience
this new movie as if it’s happening to you right now all the way through to its
new ending.
When you have completed this, you have set yourself on a new track with a new
natural response. To strengthen this new pattern, play the updated movie
whenever you want.
Day 18: Making the Peak a Regular Part of Your Life
In NLP, we have a saying, “You don’t have to be bad to get better.”
Improvement is always possible. So another way to encourage peak performance
is to let your brain know you want to go there. Here’s how you can use the
Swish Pattern to take yourself to ever-higher levels of performance.
To start, recall a specific moment when your performance faltered or you felt
yourself on a familiar plateau.
Bring this particular example vividly to your mind’s eye, and in the center of it,
see a dot. In the dot, there’s an image of you having already exceeded your
current level of success. You don’t know how you did it. You just know you did.
When the image moves closer, perhaps you’ll see your satisfied smile and a
gleam in your eyes that will let you know you accomplished this in alignment
with your values and well-being.
Now watch as the performance-plateau experience rushes away from you,
getting smaller and darker and farther away—until it loses all significance. At
the same time, notice how the dot blossoms toward you, getting bigger and
brighter and more real, until you are face-to-face with your exceptional self.
Clear your internal screen and repeat this process from the beginning at least half
a dozen times. Notice if the performance-plateau image naturally fades away
and/or the “exceptional self-image” automatically comes in.
This is just one example of a Swish Pattern. With a little bit of practice, this will
become an automatic mental habit. If you’d like to learn more about this pattern,
visit www.nlpco.com.
Day 19: Creating a Breakthrough Mind
When the British runner Roger Bannister broke the four-minute mile and the
Russian weight lifters broke five hundred pounds, none of them knew they had
done it! In both cases, their coaches had conspired to keep them from knowing
they were even attempting to break the current record. In interviews after the
record-breaking events, these different coaches were quite clear about their
reasons for not telling their athletes. And even though these interviews were
given decades apart, their explanations were quite similar.
These coaches believed their talented athletes could do what had never been
done before. They noted that the numerical difference between four minutes and
less than four minutes was a hundredth of a second, and the difference between
five hundred pounds and more than five hundred pounds was less than an ounce.
They were convinced that the limitations were not in their athletes, but in the
meaning their athletes had attached to these numbers. This proved true for the
runner and the weight lifters, for within months of each athlete’s breakthrough,
several others repeated the achievement—which had previously been thought
impossible!
To create any kind of personal performance breakthrough, you need to change
your own mental limitations. You may have had a personal experience that led
you to conclude that something was not possible—or you may have come to
believe it’s not possible because others told you so. You may have thought this
for so long that you only vaguely remember how and when this came to be true
for you.
Begin by thinking of something that you decided years ago wasn’t possible for
you—it might be getting your dream job, becoming physically fit, finding your
soul mate, or quickly and effortlessly mastering something complex—whatever
it is to you.
With this limitation in mind, what experience—if you had had it before you
acquired this belief or made this decision—would have transformed it from
impossible to highly probable? Take a moment to create this enabling experience
in your mind. It may be similar to something that happened later in your life, or
it might be something that never happened to you but you could imagine it—or
perhaps it happened to someone else.
Vividly create this enabling experience using the sub-modalities of a previous
peak performance, a time when you really excelled, even if this example is from
a completely different context. (You can also build on the sub-modalities you
discovered in Day 16.)
Once you have created a rich and powerful reference experience, take that back
in time with you and imagine it happened just before the situation that created
your limiting memory. From this point, move ahead from that time—travel
ahead with this new enabling memory and as you pass through the limiting
memory, notice how having the enabling memory transforms the negative
effects of the original limiting memory (and any other ones) into positive ones—
all the way through your past into your present!
Now check to sense if that old limitation is completely gone. If you want to,
repeat this last step to strengthen your new enabling memory. This new memory
will not guarantee success, but it does guarantee that the limitations will be in
the world, not in your mind.
Day 20: The Practice of Loving What You Do
Even as you transform your negatives, increase your positives, orient yourself to
your best self, and raise expectations, there’s still the need to practice. In
Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell’s research revealed that people who really
excelled—like the Beatles and Bill Gates—invested more than ten thousand
hours in mastering their craft! He also pointed out that practice was not just
something they did to accomplish a particular goal, but was something they were
drawn to. For them, practicing is part of who they are.
Those who excel in any endeavor actually love to practice. Basketball great
Magic Johnson has his own full-size basketball court. In addition to having his
own court, Larry Bird would find a court wherever he went, spending hours a
day there, all through the off-season. Rock-and-roll greats Eric Clapton and
Bruce Springsteen play their guitars as much when they’re off the road as when
they are on. Chess masters the world over study and replay famous games. The
great American architect Frank Lloyd Wright used to rebuild his own studio
almost annually just to try out new ideas. These greats, and others like them, are
attracted to practice. They want to find out what they have missed. They want to
find out what they might do this time that they have never done before.
You can increase the attractiveness of practice in the important areas of your life
with a simple NLP technique. Once you have decided to do something
worthwhile, you might as well enjoy doing it, right? Most people do things for
the results, yet everyone has a few things they do simply because they enjoy
doing them. Find an example of a time when you wanted the results but getting
them was not a lot of fun. Many people feel this way about doing their taxes.
Identify something that you dislike doing. Then step into a specific experience of
doing that to discover the sub-modalities associated with it.
Now think of an activity that you do simply because you enjoy it and the end
result doesn’t really matter. For many people, computer games, sports, or even
puzzles have this quality. Step into the activity that you enjoy and discover the
visual, auditory, and kinesthetic sub-modality distinctions of that experience.
Compare the two memories until you have found the sub-modality distinctions
that make the difference between the two experiences. Use the worksheet on the
next page to capture these differences. Be sure to identify a number of
differences.
Next, associate into the wanting results experience—holding the content of its
images constant—and transform its sub-modalities into the ones you found in
the experience of enjoying the doing. Notice the effect this has on your
experience. Better, right?
Now associate into the practice of a skill you would very much like to improve
and transform its sub-modalities into the ones associated with enjoying the
doing. The next time you practice that skill, notice how much more compelling
and enjoyable it is to do so.
Worksheet to Increase Enjoyment
of Practicing & Doing Tasks or
Skills You Want to Improve
Day 21: It’s a Wonderful Life—If You Notice
On this day of rest, it’s time to appreciate you. You might begin by
acknowledging that you’ve completed all the activities in this guide so far. And
we invite you to “zoom out” and notice how others appreciate you.
Each of us has made a difference, in fact, many differences, in the lives of
others. Frank Capra’s classic movie It’s a Wonderful Life reminds us all that our
lives are deeply interconnected. Even though this movie is shown dozens of
times a year, few of us take the time to notice the rich weave of connections that
form the tapestry of our lives.
So take a few moments now, in your mind’s eye, to go into your past and find
small, as well as significant, ways you have affected the world around you in
positive ways. Perhaps you helped your siblings with their homework, supported
a friend at a crucial juncture, volunteered at a local shelter, or provided
information that helped reveal unintended consequences to someone’s important
project. Identify the times you have touched others’ lives with your words or
your actions.
Use the worksheet on the next page to make a list of your positive words and/or
actions (column 1) and their effects (column 2), even if these effects weren’t
obvious until years later. Because what we value isn’t always what other people
value, expand your yardstick to include how important you have been to others
(as well as what’s important to you).
With these experiences as proof of the importance of even your everyday
actions, take a few moments to write down specific actions you would like to
take in the future, actions that will add to the lives of others and the world. As
you capture these in column 3, rehearse where you will take these actions and
enjoy your participation in the world.
It’s a Wonderful Life Worksheet
What you do makes a difference—in your world and in the lives of others.
Consider what you’ve learned from this book, and how you will be even more
conscious of and active in making good things happen in the weeks, months, and
years to come. Keep wishing, wanting, and dreaming. You can begin a new
cycle tomorrow.
Today, do something for yourself that really delights you. Watch the sunset,
smell the flowers, dance to the music, and touch another heart. Keep learning
and growing to create the person you want to be and the rewarding relationships
you want.
Now that you’ve completed the 21-Day Guide, you may be ready for more
information on NLP. If so, follow this link to a list of my favorite books and
courses, http://eg.nlpco.com/21-4, or use the QR code with your phone.
Congratulations on making this commitment
to yourself and your well-being.
The work you do to improve yourself also affects your entire world, and for that,
you have our sincere thanks.
Best wishes for good fortune as you continue your journey.
—Tom, Tom, and Susan
A Lasting Legacy
Vikki Hoobyar
My darling husband, Tom Hoobyar, was an interpersonal genius. My first
interaction with Tom was in an elevator that went from the garage to the
entrance of a very popular bookstore in Menlo Park, California. A teenager was
standing next to him, so I smiled my “I know what it’s like to have teenagers”
smile. When the door of the elevator opened, the kid skateboarded away and I
was dismayed to discover that I had smiled at a man who was alone. Because I
don’t usually do that, I put my head down and marched into the store, not daring
to look back.
A moment later, Tom offered to help me find a book after the salesperson “with
too few brains and too many piercings” (as Tom described it) had blown me off.
This was a reader’s bookstore. He seemed so nice and knowledgeable about the
bookstore that I took him up on his offer to help me.
We talked about what I was searching for. The book wasn’t there, but it no
longer mattered because we had begun an interesting conversation about NLP.
There in the bookshop, Tom treated me to my first taste of NLP by having me
visualize my favorite food and then my least favorite food. I was fascinated by
this brief experience and what my brain was doing, so we went next door to grab
coffee and continue the conversation. It was delightful.
At that point in my life, I was willing to be “friends” with men, but I was not
willing to date a man until I really got to know him. Tom kept finding reasons to
get together with me to continue our discussion about NLP. I knew he liked me a
lot, but I really just wanted to be friends. He picked me up at work and took me
to lovely restaurants. Afterward, I would always shake his hand.
On one particular day, although we had only planned an outing to an art fair for
a couple of hours, we ended up spending the entire day together. That afternoon
I said, “Aren’t we spending too much time together on our first date?” What
Tom heard was that I had called it a “date” and I had said it was the first one.
About three months after meeting him, I fell completely, unreservedly in love
with him. We married fourteen months later. Years later, I told him that had I
been looking for a man to date; he would have been disqualified immediately as
“too old, too tall, and too bald.”
Tom had a lot of impact on others—people in business, NLP clients, and my
family. When I met him, I was entering my first year of graduate school to get a
master’s degree in marriage and family counseling. As we got to know one
another, he discussed NLP training with me and I was more than happy to learn
the skill set. So while I attended college, I also attended several NLP trainings.
When it came time to actually start counseling clients, I had a lot more
confidence than my classmates because my NLP training had taught me that
there was no objection a client could bring up that I couldn’t handle. (How’s that
for “wow”?)
During our courtship, my youngest son, Jared, quickly came to Tom’s attention.
Jared was fifteen, a high school dropout who was drinking a lot and taking
drugs. Jared’s father had died when my son was eight years old, and Jared had
had a very negative experience with his first stepfather. Tom started taking Jared
out for dinner once a month. He told Jared that they were going to be in each
other’s lives whether they liked it or not. He explained to Jared that he was going
to be the older guy in my son’s life; that in fact, the day was coming when Jared
would be calling Tom to bail him out of jail. (And that actually happened.)
Tom viewed Jared as a very large fish he had to pull in with a very weak fishing
line. So he would pull Jared closer and then let him retreat a little. One night
when the three of us were watching TV, Tom turned to Jared (who had no
piercings in his face, his hair cut conservatively, and a baseball cap on his head,
facing forward) and said, “Who are you and what have you done with our son?”
We had a good laugh! No doubt about it, Tom saved the life of my younger son.
Jared is now a very successful salesperson and an exceptional parent to his sixyear-old son.
When Tom and I first married, my oldest son, Justin, was in Ranger training
with the U.S. Army. He called one night and said he was having some problems
with impatient feelings toward his wife. Over the telephone, Tom had Justin
notice the control panel that was in his mind. Tom helped Justin imagine
installing a lever to control how many rpm’s his mind was going. This way he
could lower the rpm’s when with his wife and increase the rpm’s when doing
Army tasks.
A couple of weeks later, Justin called Tom and said, “I hope you don’t mind, but
I made some changes to the control panel.” (Cute, huh?) Tom asked Justin,
“What did you do?” Justin explained that he had added a computer screen with
handles to his control panel. On the screen, he put a picture of his physical
training instructor. And when he held the handles, all of his instructor’s power
ran into Justin’s body. He taught the process to his fellow soldiers and they beat
the Army Ranger physical training records.
Tom and I decided together that we would be really “present” for others. That
meant that we made it a priority to really connect with people and to talk with
people who were in crisis, no matter what we were doing at the time they called.
(On more than one occasion, I sat in a Starbucks, in Boston, in New York, and in
Philadelphia, while Tom coached a troubled friend over the phone.) We also
attended every wedding and funeral we knew about. Over the thirteen years we
were married, we had six more adorable grandchildren added to our large family.
We made monthly trips to Reno, Nevada, to visit Tom’s daughter, Tracy, and
her family. We were present with each other—and with others.
Tom and I were blissfully happy together. Because we were always talking and
he kept coming up with these “gems,” I learned to carry a notebook so I could
write down and refer to my favorites. One was “Behavior is high quality
information.” It wasn’t a new concept, but the way it was worded really
resonated with me. There were hundreds of these gems collected over the years.
I would say, “Did you just hear what you said?” Describing things in an
engaging way was so natural for him that he was unaware of how special this
was. I told him he should write a book sharing those gems. Although he liked the
idea, he was at that time extremely busy running his manufacturing company,
coaching people, and running an alumni study group called the NLP Café. So
any plans for a book went on the back burner.
We also hoped to someday in the not-too-distant future develop and offer a
vacation-type retreat center in a rural setting. With his expertise and my training
and experience in marriage counseling, we believed we could really help
couples. We had a great relationship and even though we encountered challenges
in our time together, there was no issue we couldn’t resolve.
Tom frequently quoted John Lennon’s line, “Life is what happens while you’re
busy making other plans.” Perhaps that quote turned out to be a self-fulfilling
prophecy. Sadly, Tom was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer in August
2009. He passed away one month later. He had the contract for this book under
his belt and he had begun working on it. Thanks to Susan Sanders and Tom
Dotz, Tom Hoobyar’s dream of leaving a legacy has become a reality. All in all,
Tom coached hundreds of people. He didn’t just do NLP; he lived it. I hope to
live up to Tom’s glowing example of being a truly giving person.
Common NLP Terms
Accessing Cues: Behaviors that are correlated with the use of a particular
representational system; e.g., eye movements, voice tones, postures, breathing,
etc. (See Representational Systems.) Anchor: A cue or trigger that elicits a
response, similar to the stimulus response of classical conditioning. Anchors,
mental sticky notes, can be auditory, visual, kinesthetic, or even spatial (mental
sticky notes).
“As If” Frame: To pretend that something is possible or completed and begin
thinking with that in mind.
Associated: Being in an experience or memory as fully and completely as
possible (with all the senses); looking out from one’s own eyes, hearing from
one’s own ears, feeling one’s own feelings.
Auditory: The sense of hearing. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Backtrack: A spoken or written review or summary of information, usually to
build/maintain rapport and to invite revision or correction.
Beliefs: Generalizations about yourself, other people, and/or the world.
Behavioral Flexibility: The ability to vary one’s behavior in order to elicit a
desired response from another person (in contrast to repeating a behavior that
hasn’t worked).
Break State: To change a person’s state dramatically. Usually used to pull
someone out of an unpleasant state.
Channel: One of the five senses—sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell. (Also
see “Representational Systems.”)
Chunk Size: The size of the object, situation, or experience being considered.
This can be altered by chunking up to a more general category, chunking down
to a more specific category, or chunking sideways or laterally to others of the
same type. For example, beginning with “car,” you could chunk down to a Ford
or to a carburetor, chunk up to a “means of transportation,” and chunk sideways
to a plane or train.
Congruent: When all of a person’s internal strategies, behaviors, and parts are
in agreement and working together coherently.
Content: An aspect of meta-programs that addresses the five domains—people,
place, information, activities, and things.
Context: The environment within which a communication or response occurs.
The context is one of the cues that elicit specific responses.
Context Reframing: Placing a “problem” response or behavior in a different
context that gives it a new and different—usually more positive—meaning.
Counter-Example: An exception to a proposed general rule, a specific instance
of the falsity of a universally quantified statement, e.g., any hardworking
teenager is a counter-example to the statement “All teenagers are lazy.”
Criteria: Standards for evaluation; qualities that can be applied to a wide range
of specific behaviors or events. Examples: fun, exciting, inexpensive, interesting,
high-quality, bold, practical, new, etc.
Deletion: The process of excluding portions of experience of the world from
one’s internal representations, and one’s speech.
Disassociated: Being outside of an experience—looking at or trying on things
from an “Observer” or third position.
Distortion: Inaccurate reproduction of events in someone’s internal experience.
Distortion in language refers to demonstrably inaccurate comments on any
subject.
Domain: The five elements of meta-program “Content”—people, place,
information, activities, and things.
Ecology: Considering the effects of a change on the larger system instead of on
just one isolated behavior, part, or person, e.g., considering how a specific
outcome will support your beliefs, values, and important relationships.
Eye Accessing Cues: Unconscious movements of a person’s eyes that indicate
the representational system being accessed. (See “Accessing Cues.”) Feedback:
The visual, auditory, kinesthetic information that comes back to you as a
response to your behavior.
First Position (“Self”): Experiencing the world from your own perspective;
being associated into yourself and your body.
Flexibility: Having more than one behavioral choice in a situation. (See
“Behavioral Flexibility.”)
Future Pace: Rehearsing in all systems so that a specific behavior or set of
behaviors becomes linked and sequenced in response to the appropriate cues, so
that it will occur naturally and automatically in future situations.
Generalization: Taking a specific situation or behavior and generalizing the
content across contexts, as if it were a proven conclusion or fact, e.g., “That’s
just the way human beings are.”
Generative or Evolutionary Intervention: An intervention that solves the
presenting problem and also generates other changes that make the person’s life
better in many other ways.
Gustatory: Referring to the sense of taste. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Hallucination: An internal representation of or about the world that has no basis
in present sensory experience.
Incongruent: When two or more of a person’s representations, parts, or
programs are in conflict. Being “of two minds” or “torn between two
possibilities,” etc.
Installation: Teaching or acquiring a new strategy or behavior, generally by
rehearsal or future pacing.
Intention: The underlying desire or goal of a behavior, assumed to be positive.
Kinesthetic: The sense of feeling. May be subdivided into tactile feelings (Kt:
skin sensing, physically feeling the outside world), proprioceptive feelings (Kp:
movement, internal body sensations such as muscle tension or relaxation), and
meta feelings (Km: “emotional” responses about some object, situation, or
experience). (See “Representational Systems.”) Lead System (also known as
Preferred Representational Channel): The representational system initially
used to access stored information, e.g., making a visual image of a friend in
order to get the feeling of liking him/her.
Lost Performative (Lost Performer): A linguistic pattern in which the person
performing the action or judgment is missing from the sentence, e.g., “It’s
important to know this.”
Map of Reality: A person’s perception of events. (See “Representational
Systems.”)
Matching: Mirroring an aspect of one’s behavior (posture, tone of voice,
breathing, etc.) to that of another person, usually to establish rapport.
Meta Model: A set of language patterns that focuses attention on how people
delete, distort, generalize, limit, or specify their realities. It provides a series of
outcome specification questions useful for making communication more
specific, recovering lost or unspecified information, and for loosening rigid
patterns of thinking.
Meta-Outcome: The outcome of the outcome: one that is at a higher level and
an outcome of greater importance than the stated one, e.g., “having financial
security or freedom and independence” might be the meta-outcome of “finding a
better job.”
Metaphor: A story, parable, or analogy that relates one situation, experience, or
phenomenon to another.
Meta-Program: A thought pattern based on generalization that the brain uses
for efficiency. These patterns act as automatic filters that help us make
decisions; they tell us what’s okay for someone and what’s not. Examples
include options/procedures, toward/away-from, proactive/reaction,
general/specific, and internal/external.
Mind Reading: Imagining what someone else is thinking or feeling by asking
yourself, “What must be going on inside that person for that to be true?” and
going into second position with them to try on things from their point of view.
Mirroring: Matching an aspect of one’s behavior (posture, tone of voice,
breathing, etc.) to that of another person, usually to establish rapport.
Modal Operators: Literally “Mode of Operating.” A linguistic term for one or
more of four broad categories of acting: desire, possibility, necessity, choice.
Modality: One of the five senses—sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell. (See
“Representational Systems.”)
Modeling: Observing and specifying how something happens, or how someone
thinks or behaves, and then describing in detail or demonstrating the process for
others so that they (or you) can learn to do it.
Motivation Direction (Meta-Program): A mental program that determines
whether a person moves toward or away-from experiences.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP): The process of creating models of
human excellence in which the usefulness, not the truthfulness, is the most
important criterion for success. The study of subjective experience.
Nominalization: A linguistic term for the words that result from the process of
taking actions (verbs) and converting them into things (nouns) that actually have
no existence as things; in other words, you can’t put them in a wheelbarrow.
Examples of nominalizations are love, freedom, happiness, respect, frustration,
etc.
Observer Position: A disassociated meta-position from which you can observe
or review events, seeing yourself and others interact.
Olfactory: The sense of smell. (See “Representational Systems.”)
“Other” Position or Second Position: To step into someone else’s experience
fully.
Outcome: Desired goal or result. (Also see “Well-Formed Outcome” and
“Meta-Outcome.”)
Pacing: Matching or mirroring another person’s nonverbal and/or verbal
behavior. Useful for gaining rapport. (See “Mirroring” and “Matching.”)
Paralanguage: How something is said—or, more accurate, how it is perceived
to have been said. Separate from the words themselves, paralanguage (such as
volume, inflection, speed, intensity, tone, rhythm, pitch) provides audible cues
that may telegraph information about someone’s inner state and feelings. For
example, tone of voice can indicate sarcasm, which the listener may find funny
or hurtful.
Parts: A metaphoric term for different aspects of a person’s experience. Parts
are distinct from the specific behaviors adopted by the “parts” in order to get
their positive outcomes.
Perceptual Filter: An attitude, bias, point of view, perspective, or set of
assumptions or presuppositions about the object, person, or situation. This
attitude “colors” all perceptions of the object, etc.
Perceptual Positions: The perceptual positions most commonly referred to:
First Position (also called “self”), when someone is in their own body
experiencing things from their own senses and point of view; Second Position
(also called “Other”), when someone is imagining what it’s like from another
person’s viewpoint and trying to “stand in their shoes”; and Third Position (also
called “Observer”), when someone is observing something from outside the self
and/or situation in a neutral or objective way.
Predicates: Words that express action or relationship with respect to a subject
(verbs, adverbs, and adjectives). The words may reflect the representational
system being used or they may be nonspecific, e.g., “That looks good,” “Sounds
right to me,” “That feels fine.”
Preferred Representational System or “Channel”: The representational
system or mode that a person habitually uses to process information or
experiences; usually the one in which the person can make the most detailed
distinctions.
Presuppositions (in NLP): Unifying beliefs of key individuals (Perls, Satir,
Erickson, and Feldenkrais) who were studied to form the operating principles of
NLP.
Rapport: A condition in which responsiveness has been established; often
described as feeling safe or trusting, or willing.
Reframing: A process by which a person’s perception of a specific event or
behavior is altered, resulting in a different response. Usually subdivided into
Context Reframing, Meaning Reframing, and Six-Step Reframing.
Representational Systems: The internal representations of experience in the
five senses: seeing (visual), hearing (auditory), feeling (kinesthetic), tasting
(gustatory), and smelling (olfactory).
Resources: A piece of knowledge, an understanding about the world, a belief, a
behavior, a skill, a person, or an object, that contributes to the achievement of an
outcome. When creating a Well-Formed Outcome, resources could also include
time, money, support, etc.
Resource State: The experience of a useful response: an ability, attitude,
behavior, characteristic, perspective, or quality that is useful in some context.
Second Position (“Other”): To “become” someone else fully by taking the
perspective and the criteria, history, etc., of someone else—trying things on from
their point of view, walking in their moccasins.
Self-Position: Experiencing the world from your own perspective; being
associated into yourself and your body.
Sensory Acuity: The ability to make sensory discriminations to identify
distinctions between different states or events.
Sensory based: Information that is correlated with what has been perceived by
the five senses. (Contrast with “Hallucinations.”)
Sensory Modalities: The five senses—sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell.
Separator State or Break State: Eliciting a neutral state between two other
states to prevent them from combining or connecting with each other.
Six-Step Reframing: A process in which the “part” (or parts) responsible for an
undesirable behavior is contacted directly, the positive intention driving the
behavior is uncovered, and new choices to satisfy that intention are created,
resulting in an integration of conflicting parts. Also used to resolve interpersonal
conflicts, especially on work teams.
State: A state of being, or a condition of body/mind response or experience at a
particular moment.
Stimulus-Response: The repeated association between an experience and a
particular response (Pavlovian conditioning) such that the stimulus becomes a
trigger or cue for the response, e.g., accidental and intentional anchoring.
Strategy: A sequence of mental and behavioral representations that leads to a
specific outcome, e.g., decision, learning, motivation, specific skills.
Sub-Modalities: The smaller elements within a representational system; for
example, a visual image can be bright, dim, clear, fuzzy, moving, still, large,
small, etc.
Swish: A generative sub-modality pattern used to change habits and responses.
Third Position (“Observer”): A disassociated position from which one can
more objectively or neutrally observe or review events, seeing oneself and others
interact.
Universal Quantifier: A linguistic term for words that are applied to all cases
and all situations without exception, e.g., all, every, always, and negations such
as never, none, etc.
Visual: The sense of seeing. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Well-Formed Outcome: A goal that is stated in positive terms, obtainable,
chunked down appropriately, within the individual’s control and contextualized,
and helps satisfy your or someone else’s outcome.
References
Chapter 2
Cornell College of Hospitality research source: a paper by Michael Lynn, Ph.D.,
http://www.hotelschool.cornell.edu/research/chr/pubs/reports/abstract–
13602.html.
Leslie Cameron, “Outcome Frame,” NLP Home Study Guide, published by NLP
Comprehensive, ©1984–2007.
Chapter 3
Research on visualization and shooting free-throws. L. V. Clark, “Effect of
mental practice on the development of a certain motor skill,” Research Quarterly
31, no. 4 (December 1960): 560–69; Tony Morris, Michael Spittle, and Anthony
P. Watt, Imagery in Sport (Champaign, IL: Human Kinetics, 2005), also
mentioned at
http://www.vanderbilt.edu/ans/psychology/health_psychology/mentalimag
ery.html.
Francesco Cirillo, The Pomodoro Technique, 2009. This work is licensed under
the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial, No derivative Works 3.0
License—http://www.pomodorotechnique .com.
“Eye Movement Integration” process originally created by Steve and Connirae
Andreas, http://www.nlpco.com/library/therapy/eye-movement-integrationtherapy.
Navy SEALs training tips, http://www.menshealth.com/best-life/mission-saveyou/page/5.
Chapter 4
Herbert Benson, The Relaxation Response (New York: William Morrow, 1975).
Excerpt about meta-programs from Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour,
Introducing NLP (London: Thorson’s, 1990).
Chapter 5
GGNEE model created by Rick Middleton, founder of Executive Expression in
Los Angeles; mentioned in Mark Goulston’s Just Listen (New York: American
Management Association, 2010).
Chapter 6
Emotional content in communication based on research by Albert Mehrabian,
Silent Messages, 1st ed. (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 1971).
Research on sports teams and touching, Benedict Carey, “Evidence That Little
Touches Do Mean So Much,” New York Times, February 22, 2010,
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind.html. “To see whether a rich
vocabulary of supportive touch is in fact related to performance, scientists at
Berkeley recently analyzed interactions in one of the most physically expressive
arenas on earth: professional basketball. Michael W. Kraus led a research team
that coded every bump, hug, and high five in a single game played by each team
in the National Basketball Association early last season. In a paper due out this
year in the journal Emotion, Mr. Kraus and his co-authors, Cassy Huang and Dr.
Keltner, report that with a few exceptions, good teams tended to be touchier than
bad ones.”
Allen Bluedorn, The Human Organization of Time (Stanford, CA: Stanford
University Press, 2002).
Phil Zimbardo, The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will
Change Your Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2008). Animated presentation
at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3oIiH7BLmg.
Chapter 7
Mark Goulston, Just Listen (New York: American Management Association,
2010).
Touch Research Institute, University of Miami School of Medicine. “Research
by Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute in Miami has found that a
massage from a loved one can not only ease pain but also soothe depression and
strengthen a relationship.” Best source:
http://books.google.com/books/about/Touch.html?id=1fBdoaBC9-YC.
Cincinnati Children’s Hospital: “Research has demonstrated that patients who
receive healing touch experience accelerated wound healing, relaxation, pain
relief, and general comfort.”
Robert Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (New York:
HarperBusiness, 2006).
Chapter 8
Robert Dilts, Strategies of Genius (Capitola, CA: Meta, 1995).
Keith V. Trickey, “The Walt Disney Creative Strategy,” http://www
.wiredportfolio.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/DisneyPaper.pdf.
21-Day Guide
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Fireside,
1989).
Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers (New York: Little, Brown, 2008).
Acknowledgments
We gratefully acknowledge Dr. Robert Dee McDonald, NLP innovator,
author, and trainer for creating:
• and testing this version of the “Auditory Swish” in eighteen countries.
• his extended version of the NLP Presuppositions.
• the taxi-driver metaphor, which is the foundation of his Destination
Method, a Transpersonal Coaching Strategy.
• the Mission Detection Process, which informed sections of this book.
Robert McDonald is coauthor of two NLP books titled, Tools of the Spirit and
NLP: The New Technology of Achievement. His website is TelosCenter.com.
Index
The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which
it was created. To locate a specific entry, please use your e-book reader’s search
tools.
Note: Italic page numbers refer to illustrations.
accessing cues, defined, 405 and 210
activity, as a meta-program content domain, 247, 248, 249
agreement, checking for, 272
amygdala, 113, 127, 166, 167
anchors:
creating personal anchor, 28–31
defined, 405
generating energy and, 105
kinesthetic anchor, 29, 119–120, 357
negative anchors, 28, 32, 35
perceptual positions and, 172
positive anchors, 28, 35, 119–120, 123
spatial, 28
stacking, 31
strengthening positive mental states with, 38
strengthening your anchor, 119–120, 123
thinking and, 26–28
touch as, 29, 30, 31, 32, 105, 119, 172, 265
as triggers, 35
victory list, 118
Andreas, Connirae, 96
Andreas, Steve, 96, 139
Andreas, Steve, 96, 139
anxiety, as driver, 100–101
apologies, 349–350, 353
appearance, persuasive communication, 293–296, 302
appreciation, 375, 384, 396–398
“as if” frame, defined, 405
asking well-formed outcome questions, 46–53
associated experiences:
confidence and, 109–110
defined, 405
enriching nature of, 60
intensity of, 59, 84
mental movies and, 62–64, 168, 385, 389
motivation and, 102–103
self-concept and, 142
victory list and, 107, 112
assumptions:
autopilot and, 308, 311, 320
beliefs and, 288, 289
GGNEE 173–174
rapport and, 222
stereotypes and, 160–161, 173–174, 193
auditory cues:
depression and, 75–76, 82–84
nonverbal behaviors and, 211, 227
removing negative auditory cues, 76–78
auditory mode:
communication in, 202, 206, 227, 275, 379
defined, 405
language and, 245
paralanguage and, 211
thinking and, 23
Auditory Swish, 75–76, 78, 81, 82, 116, 122
authenticity:
first position and, 168, 297
in interactions, 192–193, 244
in interactions, 192–193, 244
autopilot:
assumptions and, 308, 311, 320
deletion and, 14, 38
distortion and, 14–15, 38
expectations and, 306–308, 320, 351
generalization and, 12–13, 37, 288
thinking and, 12–15
away-from meta-program. See toward/away-from meta-program backtrack,
defined, 405
Bandler, Richard, 78, 363
Bannister, Roger, 391
beginning of day:
motivation and, 101–103, 122
questions for, 65–67, 86
behavior:
emotions triggering, 11, 160
individual preferences and, 134–139
meta-programs and, 136, 254
positive intentions and, 39, 196
usefulness of, 40
zooming in and, 223–224, 256
See also nonverbal behaviors behavioral flexibility, defined, 405
beliefs:
adapting to differences in, 279–280
defined, 405
empowering beliefs, 240, 255, 261
exploring personal beliefs, 240–242, 286–289
generalizations and, 13, 37, 132, 134, 152, 288, 289
identifying, 133–134, 236
limiting beliefs, 240–241, 255, 261, 289, 301
loosening and “unsticking,” 284–289, 301
maps of reality and, 39, 221, 234–242, 255, 257, 279, 285, 301
meta-outcomes and, 242–244, 261
reframing and, 281–282, 301
roots of, 236–239
self-concept and, 131, 132–134, 138, 149, 152
understanding someone’s belief, 285–286, 288
belonging, 237, 240, 243
Benson, Herbert, 128
Bird, Larry, 393
Bluedorn, Allen, 250
body:
brain and, 93–94
Conflict Integration Process and, 329–333
first position and, 168, 172
meditation and, 129
mind and, 41, 66–67, 93–96
thinking and, 15–16, 38
body language:
breaking rapport and, 219, 220
incongruence and, 206, 228
inner state and, 206
interactions and, 182, 198
matching and, 204, 214, 217, 380
mirroring and, 212, 219
negotiation and, 340, 343
personal space requirements and, 179
questions and, 230
safety and, 261
See also nonverbal behaviors body position:
matching, 216, 217
nonverbal behaviors and, 208, 212, 214
rapport and, 218, 219
boundaries, 9, 195, 220, 298, 299, 302
brain:
amygdala, 113, 127, 166, 167
body and, 93–94
curiosity and, 80
deep breathing and, 113–114, 127
deep breathing and, 113–114, 127
emotions and, 25
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
hydration and, 94
interactions and, 165–167, 197
metaphors and, 291
nonverbal behaviors and, 206, 217
outcome frames and, 44–53
peak performance and, 390
questions and, 271, 301, 348
reframing and, 282, 284
self-concept and, 140–141, 147
sensory input and, 22, 37
stress and, 127
survival focus of, 44, 85
thinking and, 16, 18, 38, 44
touch and, 262
breaks, physical and mental breaks, 94–95, 122
break state, defined, 406, 413
breathing:
conflict and, 320, 334
deep breathing, 93–94, 113–114, 122, 127
meditation and, 129–130
nonverbal behaviors and, 210, 216
Cameron, Leslie, 45–46
Capra, Frank, 396
Carr, Ken, 313
cause-effect, 234, 236
change:
choices and, 41
in emotional states, 78–82
of habits, 33
metaphors supporting, 290–293, 296, 302
modeling and, 197
motivation and, 367
motivation and, 367
ripple effect of, 187
in self-concept, 139, 150–151, 153, 161
channels:
defined, 406
See also preferred representational systems/channels choices:
appearance and, 294–295
beliefs and, 13, 132, 281–282
confidence and, 105
creativity and, 306, 351
critical inner voices and, 116
in emotional states, 78–82, 86
flexibility and, 40, 53, 186–193, 196, 350
freedom in, 39
in interactions, 36, 186–193
mind and, 44, 85
outcome frames and, 45
positive change and, 41
representational modalities and, 24
self-concept and, 144, 161
chunk size:
defined, 406
goals and, 47, 53, 55, 374
learning and, 40
Cialdini, Robert, 282
Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, 263
Circle of Excellence process, 5–8, 28
Clapton, Eric, 393
Clark, L. V., 92
collaboration:
Disney creativity strategy and, 316
key ideas, 351–353
well-formed outcome model of, 308–310, 351
commitments, voluntary nature of, 66
communication:
belief differences and, 279–280
belief differences and, 279–280
conflict and, 320–321, 345–347
Conflict Integration Process and, 336–338
flexibility in, 186, 276
listening skills and, 262
local language and, 272–280
meaning defined by response to, 40, 164
meta-program preferences and, 276–277
preferred representational modalities and, 202, 206, 227, 245, 273, 274, 379
quality of, 40–41, 260
questions facilitating understanding, 229–234
redundancy of, 41, 202
technology and, 159, 359, 378
time differences and, 278–279
tips for uncharted territory, 268–272
toxic relationships and, 299
visual nature of, 206
See also persuasive communication confidence:
amping up, 107–110
living in “the zone” and, 90
motivation and, 122
Navy SEALs training and, 110–114, 122, 127
optimism and, 105–107
conflict:
beliefs and, 279–280
creative problem solving and, 319–328
emotions and, 345–350, 351, 353
identifying, 327–328, 338
key ideas, 351–353
loosening up positions, 320–325, 326
meta-programs and, 248
See also inner conflict Conflict Integration Process:
communication during, 336–338
inner conflict and, 328–336, 351
interactions and, 325–327
interactions and, 325–327
meta-outcomes and, 335–336, 342
negotiation compared to, 339–345, 352
confusion, recognizing, 73
congruence:
communication and, 202
defined, 406
flow state and, 57
harmonization of systems and, 41
interactions and, 260
outcome frames and, 44–45
well-formed outcomes and, 59
connections with others:
being good company, 161–165
brain and, 165–167
emotions and, 164, 188–191, 194
empathy and, 167–169
flexibility and, 186–193, 196–197
GGNEE and, 173–174
helping others feel safe, 175–176, 194
identifying ways other people are good company, 174–175
key ideas, 197–199
local language and, 272–280
mirroring and matching, 18, 176–179
perceptual positions and, 168–172, 176, 198
physical connection, 262–265
sense of being felt and, 180–186
structure of experience and, 160–161
tips for uncharted territory, 268–272
understanding and, 261
values and, 196
See also interactions content:
defined, 406
as meta-program content domains, 247, 248–249, 254
context:
defined, 406
defined, 406
meta-programs and, 248
reframing and, 281
well-formed outcomes and, 371
context reframing, defined, 406
contradicting, 268, 280
Cornell School of Hotel Administration, 32
counter-examples:
beliefs and, 241
defined, 406
exceptions and, 34
overgeneralizations and, 134
self-concept and, 143–144, 147, 148, 153
Covey, Stephen, 375
creating a personal anchor, 28–31
creativity:
choices and, 306, 351
conflict and, 319–328
curiosity and, 284, 306
Disney creativity strategy, 312–319
interactions and, 350
key ideas, 351–353
resources and, 311–312
stress and, 127
untapped, 310–311
criteria:
defined, 406
language and, 233–234
Critic role, in Disney Creativity Strategy, 313, 314–315, 317
curiosity:
beliefs and, 241
conflict and, 319
creativity and, 284, 306
in interactions, 187, 193, 194, 225
maps of reality and, 223, 255
maps of reality and, 223, 255
meta-programs and, 248
nonverbal behaviors and, 226–227
as preferred emotional state, 79–82
reframing and, 284
Curiosity Shunt Installation, 79–82
current coordinates, 363–366
decision-making, 135, 136–137, 152, 245
deletion:
autopilot and, 14, 38
defined, 406
generalization and, 15, 132
language and, 132–134, 152, 229
depression, 75–76, 82–84, 87
Dilts, Robert, 312, 313
disassociated experiences:
creativity and, 311–312
defined, 407
future worry and, 67
impartial observance of, 59–60, 85
inner voices and, 83
of memories, 59–60, 61, 64, 86, 385, 386
mental movies and, 62–63, 168, 169, 385, 389
procrastination and, 74
reviewing undesirable experience, 389
Discovery Activities:
Accessing Personal Resources, 5–8
Adding Elements to Your Self-Concept, 145–148
Amping Up Your Confidence, 107–110
Applying the “Conflict Integration” Process to One of Your Opportunities,
333–335
Applying the Disney Strategy to One of Your Opportunities, 318–319
Applying Your Discoveries About Someone Else’s World, 300
Creating a Personal Anchor, 28–31
Creating a Well-Formed Outcome, 53–56
Creating a Well-Formed Outcome, 53–56
Decreasing Resistance or Trauma, 96–99
Discovering Your Inner World, 19–22
Examining Ways You Get Stuck or Make Things Harder, 338
Exploring a Personal Belief, 240–242
Exploring Roots of Procrastination, 69–70
Exploring Someone’s Inner World, 254–256
Exploring Your Expectations, 91–92
Identifying Nonverbals from an Uncomfortable Situation, 213–215
Identifying One of Your Conflicts, 327–328
Identifying Something You Like About Yourself, 140–145
Identifying Ways Other People Are Good Company, 174–175
Identifying Ways That You’re Good Company, 162–165
Identifying Your Beliefs, 236
Recalling Nonverbals of a Positive Experience, 211–213
Recognizing Incongruence, 58–59
Reducing Internal Resistance, 74–75
Removing Negative Auditory Cues, 76–78
Strengthening Your Anchor, 119–120
Tinkering with Visual Distinctions, 61–65
Understanding Your Motivation, 101–103
Using Predicates of Preferred Channels, 274–275
Disney, Walt, 312–315, 351
Disney Creativity Strategy:Dilts on, 312–313
with groups, 315–317, 351
roles of, 313–315, 316, 317, 318–319, 351
Disney Institute, 315
distortion:
autopilot and, 14–15, 38
defined, 407
distraction, 70
domains:
defined, 407
as meta-program content domains, 247–248, 249, 254
Dotz, Tom, 34, 282–283
Dreads into Dreams Transformation Worksheet, 369
Dreads into Dreams Transformation Worksheet, 369
Dreamer role, in Disney Creativity Strategy, 313–314, 317
Durante, Jimmy, 56
ecology:
defined, 407
of goals, 49–50, 54
well-formed outcomes and, 371
educational level, first impressions, 173, 198
Einstein, Albert, 319, 324
Eliot, George, 126
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 3, 206
emotional states:
changing, 78–82, 86
curiosity as preferred state, 79–82
inner barometer, 100
interactions of, 174
sub-modalities and, 65–67, 83–84, 261
triggers for, 79, 81, 86, 100
See also inner state emotions:
behavior triggered by, 11, 160
beliefs and, 236
conflict and, 345–350, 351, 353
creating feelings, 10–12
emotional limits, 8–9
facial expressions and, 210
first impressions and, 173, 198
interactions and, 164, 188–191, 194, 380
maps of reality and, 39
memories and, 22
personal model of reality and, 25
versatility in difficult situations and, 188–191, 199
See also feelings empathy, 167–169, 272, 297
energy:
confidence and, 110
as driver, 100–110, 122
as driver, 100–110, 122
generating, 104–105
increasing, 116–121
inner state and, 265–266
living in “the zone” and, 90, 93–96
physiology and, 93–96, 116, 122
positive inner dialogue and, 103
enhancing your self-concept, 140–148
enthusiasm:
as driver, 100–110, 122
generating energy and, 105
positive inner dialogue and, 103
rehearsing positive mental states, 117
environment, persuasive communication, 293–296
evidence:
absence of, 233–234
self-concept and, 141–142
well-formed outcomes and, 48–49, 54, 371
evolutional intervention, defined, 408
excellence:
amplifying excellence, 387
Circle of Excellence process, 5–8, 28
expectations:
autopilot and, 306–308, 320, 351
conflict and, 320
experience shaped by, 90, 122, 187
exploring, 91–92
impact on performance, 90–91, 93, 101, 116, 118, 121, 122
inner voices and, 116
in interactions, 187
self-concept and, 142–143
experience:
expectations shaping, 90, 122, 187
questions as tools for guiding, 271
structure of, 11, 38, 73, 85, 160–161, 160
See also associated experiences; disassociated experiences external metaprogram. See internal/external meta-program external stimuli:
generalization and, 12–13
meaning of, 10, 11–12, 37, 38, 160
eye accessing cues, defined, 407
eye contact:
breaking rapport and, 219–220
interactions and, 180–182, 199, 261, 267
matching, 216
nonverbal behaviors and, 209, 212, 214
eye movement, 209–210, 214
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
facial expressions:
curiosity and, 226–227
inner conflict and, 228
matching, 216
nonverbal behaviors and, 210, 212, 214
failure, as feedback, 40, 106
feedback:
defined, 407
failure as, 40, 106
interactions and, 163–165, 193, 197, 215
setbacks as, 45–46
zooming out and, 225, 226
feelings:
beliefs and, 285, 289
conflict and, 328
creating, 10–12
inner conflict and, 329
memories and, 22, 32
motivation and, 68
persuasive communication and, 381
procrastination and, 69–70
procrastination and, 69–70
showing you care how others feel, 184–185, 189–191, 192, 194–195, 197,
262, 282–283
well-formed outcomes and, 372
See also emotions fight-or-flight instinct, 17, 127, 166, 197, 347, 351
first impressions:
assumptions and, 161
GGNEE and, 173–174, 198
helping others feel safe and, 184
personal filters and, 161, 173–174, 197
first position (“self”):
defined, 407
interactions and, 168, 172, 176, 198, 228, 297
five senses:
language of, 140
scanning of, 66
thinking and, 3, 4
See also representational modalities; sub-modalities flexibility:
choices and, 40, 53, 186–193, 196, 350
in communication, 186, 276
curiosity and, 80
defined, 407
influence and, 165, 186
focus:
living in “the zone” and, 90, 116
questions for beginning of day, 86
short-term goal setting, 111–112
taking breaks and, 95
Ford, Henry, 134, 310, 385
Franklin, Benjamin, 268
future-oriented time orientation, 252
future pace, defined, 407
“the gaze,” 180–182, 209, 216
gender:
first impressions and, 173, 198
first impressions and, 173, 198
perceptual positions and, 172
generalization:
autopilot and, 12–13, 37, 288
beliefs and, 13, 37, 132, 134, 152, 288, 289
defined, 407
distortion and, 15
first impressions and, 173
self-concept as, 153
general/specific meta-program, 137, 153, 246, 247, 276
generation/age, first impressions, 173, 198
generative intervention, defined, 408
gestures:
breaking rapport and, 219
matching, 216, 217, 261, 380
nonverbal behaviors and, 208–209, 212, 214
Gladwell, Malcolm, 393
goals:
appreciation and, 375
chunk size and, 47, 53, 55, 374
creating inevitable success, 374
current coordinates and, 363–366
dreads into dreams, 368–369
goal-behind-the-goal, 242, 243, 257, 326, 351, 352
irresistible goals, 373
listening skills and, 382
meta-outcomes and, 242, 243, 257
motivation and, 367
outcome frames and, 45, 59
questions for beginning of day, 65–67, 86
short-term goal setting, 111–112
sub-modalities and, 66
values and, 382
well-formed outcomes and, 46, 47–56, 85, 242, 370–372, 376–377
Godiva Chocolate Process, 74–75
Goulston, Mark, 262
Goulston, Mark, 262
groups:
Disney creativity strategy and, 315–317, 351
matching in, 218–219
well-formed outcomes and, 310
gustatory mode, defined, 408
habits:
changing, 33
Navy SEALs training and, 111–114, 122, 127
nonverbal behaviors and, 207
positive intentions and, 286
hallucination, defined, 408
Hoobyar, Tom, legacy of, 399–403
hostage negotiations, 190, 262
hydration, 94, 122
hypnosis, 60
imitation, matching distinguished from, 176, 198, 216
immune system, 130
incongruence:
body language and, 206, 228
defined, 408
inner conflict and, 56, 57, 59, 85, 126, 227, 228, 229
interactions and, 174, 175
maps of reality and, 227–229, 257
personal signals of, 57, 58–59
resistance and, 95
self-concept and, 143, 144
Influence (Cialdini), 282
information:
as a meta-progam content domain, 247, 248, 249
recovering missing information with Meta Model, 229, 256, 261, 281
inner conflict:
Conflict Integration Process and, 328–336, 351
generalization and, 302
generalization and, 302
incongruence and, 56, 57, 59, 85, 126, 227, 228, 229
See also conflict inner enemies, 39, 286
inner state:
management of, 37, 195, 206, 265–268
nonverbal behaviors and, 206, 207, 217
See also emotional states inner voices:
auditory cues and, 75–78
confidence and, 105, 114, 127
counter-examples and, 147
curiosity and, 80
depression and, 83
emotional states and, 79
positive inner dialogue, 103
silencing critical inner voices, 115–116, 117, 122
insecurity, in interactions, 174, 175, 267
“Inside the Mind of Worry” (Ropeik), 166
installation, defined, 408
intention:
conscious breathing and, 93
defined, 408
interactions and, 192–193, 266–267
motivation and, 68
nonverbal behaviors and, 218, 220
perceptual positions and, 170–172, 297
procrastination and, 69, 72
See also positive intention interactions:
applying discoveries, 300
being good company, 161, 162–165, 213, 215
brain and, 165–167, 197
choices in, 36, 186–193
conflict and, 320–328
creativity and, 350
disengagement signals, 185–186
empathy and, 167–169, 172
encouraging discussion, 268–270
eye contact and, 180–182, 199, 261, 267
feedback and, 163–165, 193, 197, 215
helping others feel safe, 175–176, 194
identifying ways other people are good company, 174–175
incongruence and, 174, 175
perceptual positions and, 168–172, 176, 185, 192–193, 198, 228, 267, 297
sense of being felt and, 180–186, 197, 198, 262, 267, 271, 350
versatility in difficult situations, 188–191, 199
See also connections with others interest, in interactions, 187, 261, 266–267
internal/external meta-program, 137, 153, 246, 247, 277
interruptions, 268, 280
It’s a Wonderful Life (film), 396
It’s a Wonderful Life worksheet, 397
Jefferson, Thomas, 268
Johnson, Magic, 393
Johnson, Samuel, 360
Just Listen (Goulston), 262
Kafka, Franz, 117
Kanter, Rosabeth Moss, 306
Keller, Helen, 105
kinesthetic mode:
anchors and, 29–31, 32, 119–120
communication in, 202, 227, 275, 379
defined, 408
language and, 245
thinking and, 23, 24
Kornfield, Jack, 159
language:
absence of criteria or evidence, 233–234
beliefs and, 261, 272
deep structure of, 132–134, 152, 205
effect with no known cause, 234
effect with no known cause, 234
individual preferences and, 134–139, 221
local language, 272–280, 301
lost performer and, 233–234
maps of reality and, 202, 229–234
matching and, 267
meta-programs and, 135, 136, 244, 245–249, 257, 261, 272
nominalizations and, 231–232
predicates and, 138–139
representational modalities and, 23, 38, 39, 244–253, 257, 261, 272–280
time and, 244, 254, 257, 261, 272
understanding and, 221–223
universals and, 232
unspecified nouns and verbs, 230–231
words of necessity and, 133, 233
See also body language; paralanguage lead system, defined, 408
learning:
accelerating learning, 388–389
chunk size and, 40
confidence in, 108, 120–121
self-concept and, 144, 145, 153
LeDoux, Joseph, 166
limbic system, 206
Lippmann, Walter, 220
listening skills:
communication and, 262
rapport and, 378–379, 382
stories and, 292
values and, 382
living in “the zone”:
confidence and, 105–110
congruence and, 57
energy, enthusiasm, and optimism as drivers, 100–110
expectations and, 90–92
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
increasing energy and productivity, 116–121
inner voices and, 115–116
key ideas, 122–123
mental rehearsal and, 92–93
Navy SEALs training tips, 110–114, 122
physiology and energy link, 93–96
roadblock removal and, 96
location, as domain, 247, 248, 249
locomotion, nonverbal behaviors, 210
lost performative (lost performer):
defined, 408
language and, 233–234
Mandela, Nelson, 348
maps of reality:
appearance and, 302
beliefs and, 39, 221, 234–242, 255, 257, 279, 285, 301
defined, 408
exploration of, 254–256
identification of, 39
interaction and, 221–223
language and, 202, 229–234
and representational modalities, 38–39
responses to, 39, 221
second position and, 222–223
slowing down, 227–229, 257
structure of experience and, 160, 197
zooming in, 223–224
zooming out, 225–227
matching:
body language and, 204, 214, 217, 380
breaking rapport and, 219–220
connections with others and, 176–179
defined, 409
in groups, 218–219
in groups, 218–219
imitation distinguished from, 176, 198, 216
nonverbal behaviors and, 215–219, 256, 261, 267, 380
match/mismatch meta-program, 137, 153, 246
McDonald, Robert, 170
meaning:
breakthrough mind and, 391
defined by response to communication, 40, 164
of external stimuli, 10, 11–12, 37, 38, 160
gaps in, 221–223, 261
molecules of, 61, 84
of nonverbal behaviors, 207, 211
questions facilitating understanding, 229–234
reframing and, 281
meditation, 128–130, 145
Mehrabian, Albert, 206, 211
memories:
anchors and, 29–30, 32
creativity and, 312
disassociated experience of, 59–60, 61, 64, 86, 385, 386
feelings and, 22, 32
generalization of, 288
limiting memories, 392
mental coding of, 385–386
personal model of reality and, 24–26, 33, 38
self-concept and, 142, 144, 147
sub-modalities and, 86
mental limits, 8–9, 391–392
mental movies:
associated experiences and, 62–64, 168, 385, 389
disassociated experiences and, 62–63, 168, 169, 385, 389
goals and, 50, 373
as loop, 285
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 213
slowing down, 72–73, 81, 86, 100
visual mode and, 62
visual mode and, 62
mental rehearsal, 92–93, 116, 117–118, 122, 388
Meta Model:
defined, 409
recovering missing information with, 229, 256, 261, 281
self-concept and, 131, 132–134, 138, 152
meta-outcomes:
beliefs and, 242–244, 261
conflict and, 326, 327, 328, 334, 335, 351
Conflict Integration Process and, 335–336, 342
defined, 409
goals and, 242, 243, 257, 326, 351, 352, 382
negotiations and, 342–345
self-concept and, 149
well-formed outcome and, 48, 50, 54, 371
metaphors:
appearance and, 293–294
beliefs and, 238–239
defined, 409
supporting change, 290–293, 296, 302
meta-programs:
behavior and, 136, 254
content domains, 247, 248–249, 254
defined, 409
examples of, 137, 152–153, 246
goals and, 367
language and, 135, 136, 244, 245–249, 257, 261, 272
preferred representational channels and, 221, 245–249, 254, 255–256, 276–
277, 301
self-concept and, 131, 134–138, 149, 152, 221
Middleton, Rick, 173
mind:
anchors and, 26–28, 32
auditory cues and, 75–76, 82–84
body and, 41, 66–67, 93–96
breakthrough mind, 391–392
choices and, 44, 85
creativity and, 44, 85
emotional states and, 78–82
mental rehearsal and, 92–93
motivation and, 67–68
outcome frames and, 44–53
procrastination and, 69–75
sub-modalities and, 61–67, 84–85
thinking and, 17, 18, 38, 44
mind reading:
beliefs and, 234–242
conflict and, 338
defined, 409
details and, 221–223
key ideas, 256–257
language and, 202, 205, 221–223, 244–253, 257
maps of reality and, 220–221
meta-outcomes and, 242–244
nonverbal behaviors and, 202, 205, 206, 207–220, 256, 257
zooming in, 223–224, 256
zooming out, 225–227, 256
mirroring:
connections with others and, 176–179, 181
defined, 409
in groups, 219
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 215, 219, 261
rapport and, 177–179, 198, 205
modality, defined, 410
modal operators, defined, 409
modeling:
change and, 197
creativity and, 312
defined, 410
learning from, 40
learning from, 40
monochronic time orientation, 250–251
Montapert, Alfred A., 356
motivation:
beliefs and, 242–244
enthusiasm and, 100–103
generating energy, 104–105
goals and, 367
inner conflict and, 330–331
meta-programs and, 135, 136–137, 245, 383
mind and, 67–68
Navy SEALs training tips, 110–114, 122
persuasive communication and, 383
procrastination and, 75
rehearsing positive mental states, 117–118, 123
understanding, 101–103
motivation direction (meta-program): defined, 410
See also meta-programs names, 270
nationality/ethnicity, first impressions and, 173, 198
Navy SEALs training, 110–114, 122, 127
negotiation:
Conflict Integration Process compared to, 339–345, 352
meta-outcomes and, 342–345
process of, 339–340, 352
tips for, 340–342
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP):
defined, 410
evolution of, 36–37
options for additional development, 358–360
presuppositions of, 37–41, 45, 151, 186, 357
thinking and, 3–4
tools of, 34, 261, 340, 356–358
See also Discovery Activities NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, 5,
361
nominalizations:
defined, 410
defined, 410
language and, 231–232
nonverbal behaviors:
cues in, 206–207, 211, 212, 213, 217, 219, 220, 226–227
examples of, 207–211
in groups, 218–219
incongruence and, 228, 257
interaction and, 184, 205
maps of reality and, 202, 256
matching and, 215–219, 256, 261, 267, 380
meaning of, 207, 211
positive experience of, 211–213
rapport and, 210, 216–218, 225
time orientation and, 250
uncomfortable situations and, 213–216
See also body language; and specific nonverbal behaviors observer position:
defined, 410, 414
as third position, 169, 172, 185
O’Connor, Joseph, 135
olfactory mode, defined, 410
optimism:
confidence and, 105–107
as driver, 100–110
generating energy and, 105
in interactions, 187, 192, 193
positive inner dialogue and, 103
rehearsing positive mental states, 117, 118
options/procedures meta-program, 136, 137, 152, 246
“other” position: defined, 410, 412
as second position, 169, 172, 176
outcome frames:
explanation of, 45–46
goals and, 45, 59
mind and, 44–53
outcomes, defined, 45, 410
outcomes, defined, 45, 410
Outlier (Gladwell), 393
overgeneralizations, 134, 152
pace, nonverbal behaviors, 210
pacing, defined, 410
panic management, 127
paralanguage:
defined, 411
inner conflict and, 228
matching, 216, 217, 261, 378
nonverbal behaviors and, 211, 212, 214
questions and, 230
Park, Rosa, 68
parroting, 270
parts, defined, 411
past-oriented time orientation, 252
peak performance:
accelerating learning, 388–389
amplifying excellence, 387
appreciation, 396–398
breakthrough mind, 391–392
encouraging peak performance, 390
practice of loving what you do, 393–395
resources and, 385–386
people, as a meta-program content domain, 247, 248, 249
perceptions, beliefs altering, 13
perceptual filters:
defined, 411
meta-programs as, 135
perceptual positions:
defined, 411
intentional use of, 170–172, 297
interactions and, 168–172, 176, 185, 192–193, 198, 228, 267, 297
See also first position (“self”); second position; third position performance:
impact of expectations on, 90–91, 93, 101, 116, 118, 121, 122
impact of expectations on, 90–91, 93, 101, 116, 118, 121, 122
mental rehearsal and, 92–93, 122
See also peak performance personal appearance, 294–295
personal filters:
creativity and, 311
first impressions and, 161, 173–174, 197
personal possessions, 295–296
personal space requirements, 179, 199, 207–208
persuasive communication:
appearance and environment, 293–296, 302
appreciation and, 384
beliefs and, 284–289
feelings and, 381
heartfelt values and, 382
inner state and, 266–267
key concepts, 301–303
life mission and, 376–377
local language and, 272–280, 301
metaphors and stories, 290–293, 296, 302
motivation and, 383
physical alignment and, 380
rapport and, 202, 272, 302, 378–379, 382
reframing and, 280–284
tips for uncharted territory, 268–272
toxic relationships and, 296–299, 302
See also communication physiological response, nonverbal behaviors, 210
physiology, and energy, 93–96, 116, 122
place, as a meta-program content domain, 247, 248, 249
point of view:
agreeing with, 268
beliefs and, 241
conflict and, 328
negotiation and, 344–345
polychronic time orientation, 250–251
Pomodoro Technique, 94–95, 122
positive intention:
positive intention:
behavior based on, 39, 196
beliefs embodying, 240, 286, 287, 288, 301
interactions and, 192–193, 196–197
See also intention posture:
breaking rapport and, 219
curiosity and, 226–227
inner conflict and, 228
matching, 216, 217, 261
nonverbal behaviors and, 208, 211, 214
Potterat, Eric, 111
practice, 393–395
predicates:
defined, 411
matching, 302
mirroring, 374
preferred representational channels and, 138–139, 153, 272, 273, 274–275
self-concept and, 131, 138–139, 153
preferred representational systems/channels: adapting to, 273, 378
defined, 408, 411
interactions and, 253–256
language and, 244–245, 254, 257
local language and, 272–280, 301
meta-programs and, 221, 245–249, 254, 255–256, 276–277, 301
predicates and, 138–139, 153, 272, 273, 274–275
thinking and, 23, 38
time and, 249–253, 255
See also auditory mode; kinesthetic mode; visual mode presentation training,
32
present-oriented time orientation, 252–253
presuppositions (in NLP), defined, 412
proactive/reactive meta-program, 135, 137, 153, 246, 247, 277
procedures meta-program. See options/procedures meta-program proceduresoriented, 136
process words, 378, 379
process words, 378, 379
procrastination:
example of, 70–71
getting unstuck from, 67–68
resistance and, 69, 74–75
roots of, 69–73
slow motion image of, 72–73
productivity:
increasing, 116–121
living in “the zone” and, 90
questions for beginning of day, 86
taking breaks and, 94–95, 122
questions:
for beginning of day, 65–67, 86
beliefs and, 242–244, 301
conflict and emotions, 345–346, 348
connections with others and, 267–272
directing thinking with, 281
maps of reality and, 223, 227–228, 255
reframing and, 282, 284
sense of being felt and, 182–184
showing you care how others feel, 184–185, 189–191, 192, 194, 198
understanding facilitated by, 229–234
understanding someone’s belief, 285–286
well-formed outcomes and, 46–53, 85, 309, 310, 371–372
“why” questions, 268–269, 270
rapport:
assumptions and, 222
breaking rapport, 219–220
defined, 412
encouraging discussion and, 268–270
incongruence and, 229
listening skills and, 378–379, 382
meta-programs and, 272
mirroring and matching, 177–179, 198, 205
nonverbal behaviors and, 210, 216–218, 225
persuasive communication and, 202, 272, 302, 378–379, 382
physical alignment and, 380
zooming out and, 225
rate of speech, matching, 198, 214, 217, 261, 378
reactive meta-program. See proactive/reactive meta-program Realist role, in
Disney Creativity Strategy, 313, 314, 317
reality:
personal model of, 4, 18, 19–22, 24–26, 33, 38, 39
See also maps of reality reflecting back, 183
reframing:
defined, 412
process of, 280–284
relationships:
meta-program preferences and, 277
NLP concepts and, 35–36
toxic relationships, 296–299, 302, 350
See also connections with others; interactions The Relaxation Response
(Benson), 128
rep modes. See representational modalities representational modalities:
anchors and, 27
defined, 412
language and, 23, 38, 39, 244–253, 257, 261, 272–280
maps of reality and, 38–39
self-concept and, 141–142
structure of experience and, 85
thinking and, 22–26
as triggers, 35
See also preferred representational systems/channels; sub-modalities
resistance:
decreasing resistance or trauma, 96–99, 116–117
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
incongruence and, 95
procrastination and, 69, 74–75
procrastination and, 69, 74–75
reducing internal resistance, 74–75
resources:
accessing personal resources, 5–8, 40
creativity and, 311–312
defined, 412
peak performance and, 385–386
toxic relationships and, 296–299
well-formed outcomes and, 52, 55, 372
resource state, defined, 412
responsibilities, voluntary nature of, 66
Ropeik, David, 166
safety:
amygdala and, 113, 127
auditory cues and, 77–78
beliefs and, 240
helping others feel safe, 159, 167, 175–176, 194, 198, 199, 206, 262, 267,
269
nonverbal behaviors and, 213, 261
personal feelings of, 9
positive intention and, 39
sense of being felt and, 180–186, 198, 262, 267, 271, 350
Sama Veda, 44
second position (“other”):
defined, 410, 412
incongruence and, 228
interactions and, 169, 172, 176, 198
maps of reality and, 222–223
nonverbal behaviors and, 215
toxic relationships and, 297
zooming out and, 225–227
self-concept:
adding elements to, 145–148
beliefs and, 131, 132–134, 138, 149, 152
changing, 139, 150–151, 153, 161
changing, 139, 150–151, 153, 161
core selves, 131
durability of, 143
example of self-concept work, 149–150
fluidity of, 143
identifying something you like about yourself, 140–145
impact of, 139
key ideas, 152–153
meta-programs and, 131, 134–138, 149, 152, 221
as prototype, 153
stress reduction and, 126–130, 152
self-position:
defined, 412
as first position, 168, 172
See also first position (“self”) self-talk, 109, 110
See also inner voices sensory acuity, defined, 412
sensory based, defined, 413
sensory input:
brain and, 22, 37
interpretation of, 10
sensory modalities, defined, 413
separator state, defined, 413
setbacks, as feedback, 45–46
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey), 375
Seymour, John, 135
Shaw, George Bernard, 202
shifting sub-modalities, 61
shyness, 33, 171, 175–176, 266
silence, 211, 224
six-step reframing, defined, 413
sliding anchors, 119
slowing down:
breathing, 93
meditation and, 128
mental movies, 72–73, 81, 86, 100
questions facilitating understanding and, 231
questions facilitating understanding and, 231
resistance and, 95
thinking, 5, 11, 15, 20, 23, 24, 137
understanding maps of reality and, 227–229, 257
understanding someone’s belief, 286
small wins, 120–121, 123
spatial anchors, 28, 32
specific meta-program. See general/specific meta-program Springsteen, Bruce,
393
state:
defined, 413
See also emotional states; inner state stereotypes:
assumptions and, 160–161, 173–174, 193
conflict and, 325
stimulus-response, defined, 413
Stone, W. Clement, 47
stories:
appearance and, 293–294
supporting change, 290–293, 296, 302
Strategies of Genius (Dilts), 312
strategy, defined, 413
stress:
panic management, 127
prevention of, 128–130
reduction, 112, 126–130
self-concept and, 126–130, 152
sub-modalities:
confidence and, 108
defined, 413
emotional state and, 65–67, 83–84, 102, 112, 261
enthusiasm and, 100
expectations and, 121
fine-tuning, 84–85, 86, 87, 118
goals and, 66
mind and, 61–67, 84–86
mind and, 61–67, 84–86
motivation and, 122
peak performance and, 387, 392
practice of loving what you do and, 393–394
as qualities within modalities, 61, 86
rehearsing positive mental states, 118, 123
self-concept and, 140–142, 146–147
of visual mode, 61–65, 86, 109
of auditory mode, 65, 109
of kinesthetic mode, 65, 109
success, victory list, 106–107, 112, 118
swish:
Auditory Swish, 75–76, 78, 81, 82, 116, 122
defined, 413
Swish Pattern, 390
Visual Swish, 81
synchronicities:
interactions and, 178–179, 181, 198, 202
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 214, 216, 217, 219
technology:
communication and, 159, 359, 378
demands of, 375
things, as domain, 247, 248, 249
thinking:
anchors and, 26–28
autopilot and, 12–15
body and, 15–16, 38
brain and, 16, 18, 38, 44
creating feelings and, 10–12
key ideas, 37–41
mind and, 17, 18, 38, 44
questions directing, 281
representational modalities and, 22–26
as sensory-based, 3, 4
slowing down, 5, 11, 15, 20, 23, 24, 137
slowing down, 5, 11, 15, 20, 23, 24, 137
thought patterns, 4, 9
thought processes, 8–10, 18, 20, 23, 32–35
third position (“observer”):
defined, 414
interactions and, 169, 172, 185, 192–193, 198, 267
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 214, 215
persuasive communication and, 292
zooming out and, 225–227, 256
Thoreau, Henry David, 260
3 P’s (personal, pervasive, permanent), 83, 87
time:
adapting to time differences, 278–279, 301
cultural time orientation, 250–251
future-oriented 252–253
language and, 244, 254, 257, 261, 272
negotiation and, 341, 342, 352
past-oriented 252–253
present-oriented 252–253
research on, 251–253
through time and in time, 249–250, 278–279
tone of voice:
as anchor, 32, 35
inner voices, 116
matching, 176, 214, 261, 378
as paralanguage, 211, 212
touch:
as anchor, 29, 30, 31, 32, 105, 119, 172, 265
connections with others and, 179
nonverbal behaviors and, 209, 212, 214
physical connection and, 262–265, 267
as trigger, 35
Touch Research Institute, University of Miami School of Medicine, 262–263
toward/away-from meta-program
adapting to preferences, 276–277
focus on, 136, 152
focus on, 136, 152
goals and, 367, 368, 383
interactions and, 247
questions answered by, 137, 246
toxic relationships, 296–299, 302, 350
Tracy, Brian, 90
tribal thinking, 237
Trickey, Keith V., 316
triggers:
anchors as, 35
beliefs and, 133
for emotional states, 79, 81, 86, 100
for procrastination, 73
21-day guide:
goals, 363–375
peak performance program, 385–398
persuasive communication, 376–384
using, 361–362
understanding:
beliefs and, 285–286, 288
conflict and, 347
connections with others and, 261
gaps in, 221–223, 261
interactions and, 195
listening skills and, 378
local language and, 272–273
questions facilitating, 229–234
slowing down, 227–229, 257, 286
zooming in, 223–224
zooming out, 225–227
universal quantifiers:
defined, 414
language and, 232
using metaphors, 290
values:
conflict in, 56, 85, 227
congruence and, 57
heartfelt values, 382
interactions and, 196
self-concept and, 131
time orientation and, 251
Vance, Mike, 313
victory list, 106–107, 112, 118, 123
visualization, 92–93, 122, 388
visual mode:
communication in, 202, 206, 227, 273, 274, 379
defined, 414
language and, 245
sub-modalities of, 61–65, 86
thinking and, 23, 24
Visual Swish, 81
Walt Disney Company, 313–319
well-formed outcomes:
collaboration and, 308–310, 351
congruence and, 59
creating, 53–56
creativity and, 310
defined, 414
goals and, 46, 47–56, 85, 242, 370–372, 376–377
questions involved in, 46–53, 85, 309, 310, 371–372
worksheet for, 54–55, 371–372
words of necessity, 133, 233
Wright, Frank Lloyd, 393
Zimbardo, Phil, 251–252
zone. See living in “the zone”
zooming in, 223–224, 256
zooming out:
zooming out:
appreciation, 396
interactions and, 225–227, 256, 267
persuasive communication and, 292, 301
warning signals for disengagement, 185–186, 198
About the Authors
Tom Dotz is a real entrepreneur. That means he’s experienced business and life
from every side. He’s ridden the rocketing financial start-up bubble, and had it
explode along with the rest of his life. He knows a brilliant business plan with
the best financing can evaporate through no fault of your own. He knows you
need resilience. When Tom took his first NLP training, he was so impressed that
he founded the NLP Institute of California. Using NLP to market NLP, he
created a powerhouse community and grew it to the largest organization of its
kind in the U.S. in just four years. Now the owner of NLP Comprehensive, he
leads the design of programs and products for real-life problems and
opportunities.
Tom Hoobyar, NLP Master Practitioner, engineer, and high tech CEO, used his
NLP skills and life experience to help individuals and businesses grow. He held
thirty-seven patents in the biotech industry, including the original RadialDiaphragm valve, as founding CEO and marketing strategist for ASEPCO, Inc.
He took even more delight in his accomplishments as a happily married family
man with three adult kids and seven grandchildren. He founded the NLP Café,
and the international NLP Alumni study group. Through the NLP Café he
conducted advanced programs in NLP for fifteen years, and served on the board
of NLP Comprehensive, a world-leader in NLP training.
Susan Sanders helps organizations make learning and working easier, fun, and
more meaningful. Her understanding of how people “work,” love of words,
attention to beliefs and metaphor, and unique ability to organize ideas
distinguish her approach and ability to create lasting change. A decade-long
study of NLP enables Susan to integrate NLP concepts and strategies into
writing and editing, instructional design, and training delivery.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite
HarperCollins authors.

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Copyright
The NLP 21-Day Guide is adapted, with permission from NLP Comprehensive, from NLP: The New
Technology of Achievement, © 1994 by NLP Comprehensive.
NLP: THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO NEURO-LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING. Copyright © 2013 by
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