for men only 
by shaunti 



Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Note to Women Readers
1 Rethinking Random
Why you need a new map of the female universe
2 The Deal Is Never Closed
Why her “I do” will always mean “Do you?”—and what to do about it
3 Windows…Open!
What you should know about the fabulous female brain (a guide for lower
life forms)
4 Your Real Job Is Closer to Home
How your provider/protector instinct can leave her feeling more unsafe and
less cared for
5 Listening Is the Solution
Why her feeling about the problem is the problem, and how to fix your urge
to fix
6 With Sex, Her “No” Doesn’t Mean You
How her desires are impacted by her unique wiring, and why your ego
shouldn’t be
7 The Girl in the Mirror
What the little girl inside your woman is dying to hear from you—and how
to guard your answer well
8 The Man She Had Hoped to Marry
What the woman who loves you most, most wants you to know
A Final Note…
Citations
Acknowledgments
Want her to REALLY understand you?
Praise for For Men Only
Copyright
To our parents;
Who taught us through their example
that working to understand one another
is worth it
A note from Shaunti, to women readers:
I want to give a warm greeting—and an important caution—to any curious
fellow females peeking in at what we’re telling guys about how we are
wired!
As Jeff and I have talked to couples about the subjects of both this book
and my previous book, For Women Only, we’ve seen a need for caution in
how men and women handle each other’s expectations afterward. Because
men and women are processing these new findings about each other very,
very differently.
Women tend to process things by talking them through. So when women
read or listen to the findings in For Women Only, they often turn to their
husband or boyfriend and say (usually in astonishment), “Is this true?”
Which leads to a lively conversation, and a feeling of new closeness with
their man.
Men, however, tend to process things by thinking them through, and not
saying anything until they fully understand what they are thinking. So,
when men read or listen to the findings in For Men Only, they usually get
real quiet. They are processing internally, and simply aren’t capable of
talking about it for some time—or maybe much at all. Which…doesn’t lead
to a lively conversation!
This key difference could lead to disappointment if women didn’t know
to expect it. We could easily think, “He didn’t learn anything about me,” or
even, “He must not care about me.”
In our experience, neither is true. It is so hard to do, but if we women
will let men have the time to process, we’ve found that while men may or
may not talk about what they learned, they usually start doing it.
So in the days and weeks after your loved one reads any part of this
book, keep your eyes open to recognize and affirm when that happens!
—Shaunti
Like some guys I know, you might be tempted to skip this introduction and
jump right to the sex chapter. And if you’re chuckling right now, it probably
means you already did it. Or were about to.
It’s not a bad choice, actually. Just a little self-defeating. If you’ve been in a
committed relationship with a woman for more than, say, a day, you know that
going just for what you want isn’t actually going to get you what you want for
very long.
A week, maybe?
But let’s be honest—one of the main reasons you’re looking at this book is
that you are trying to get something you want. Not sex (well, not just sex), but a
more fulfilling, harmonious relationship with your wife, one that isn’t quite so
hard or confusing. And the back cover gave you the wild idea that understanding
her might actually be possible.
Either that, or for some reason, the woman in question just handed you this
book.
Hmmm.
Well, either way, take a look at the revelations we’ve uncovered. We think
you’ll be convinced. Each chapter explains things about the woman you love
that may have often left you feeling helpless, confused, or just plain angry. Each
chapter points out simple, doable solutions. The only genius required is that you
make a decision up front that you’re willing to think differently. This is a short
book, but if you read it cover to cover, you’ll walk away with your eyes opened
to things you may have never before understood about your wife or girlfriend.
Each chapter points out simple, doable solutions.
That’s what happened with me—Jeff. And I’m just your average, semiconfused guy. (Actually, sometimes totally confused is more accurate.) And
since us average, semi-confused guys have to stick together, that’s why, even
though Shaunti and I are both authoring this book, I’ll be the one doing most of
the talking.
First, Some Background
In 2004 Shaunti published For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the
Inner Lives of Men, which quickly became a bestseller. Based on a nationally
representative survey, scores of focus groups, and other research, it opened
women’s eyes to things that most of us guys had always wished our wives knew.
Things like, most of us need to feel respected even more than loved. Or besides
just getting enough sex, men also have a huge need to feel sexually desired by
our wives.
I’m not sure exactly why, but women everywhere were shocked. To me, those
revelations seemed obvious. But by the flood of letters from around the country
—from both women and their grateful husbands—we’ve seen how much good
can come when the opposite sex finally has their eyes opened to things they
simply didn’t understand before.
I’m not sure exactly why, but women everywhere were shocked
by how men thought.
In this book, the shock is on the other foot. Now it’s been Shaunti’s turn to
say, over and over, “I can’t believe you didn’t already know that!”
When Shaunti’s publisher first approached us about doing a companion to For
Women Only to help men understand women, I had two major concerns. First, I
didn’t think guys would read a “relationship” book since, for most of us, the last
relationship book we read was in premarital counseling—and then only because
we were forced to. But more to the point, I doubted that a woman could ever be
understood. Compared to other complex matters—like the tides, say, or how to
figure a baseball player’s ERA—women seemed unknowable. Random even.
I explained my skepticism to one early focus group of women:
Jeff: Guys tend to think that women are random. We think, I pulled this lever
last week and got a certain reaction. But when I pulled that same lever this
week, I got a totally different reaction. That’s random!
Woman in group: But we aren’t random! If you pull the lever and get a different
reaction, either you’re pulling a different lever, or you’re pulling it in a
different way.
Shaunti: What men need is a sort of map to their wives. Because we can be
mapped. We can be known and understood terrain.
Jeff: See, guys think of a woman as a swamp: You can’t see where you’re
stepping, and sooner or later you just know you’re going to get stuck in
quicksand. And the more you struggle to get free, the deeper you get sucked
in. So every guy on the planet knows that the best thing to do is just shut down
and hope somebody comes along to rescue you.
When I came to, Shaunti and the other women in the focus group assured me
—and I have since seen for myself—that guys don’t have to live in a swamp.
That realization led us to the eventual subtitle of this book: “A Straightforward
Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.”
“Guys think of a woman as a swamp: You can’t see where
you’re stepping, and sooner or later you just know you’re going
to get stuck in quicksand.”
The Seven Revelations
The most important key to “de-swamping” the woman in your life is to realize
that some of your basic assumptions about her may be either too simplistic or
flat wrong. By simplistic, I mean that we tend to operate with a partial or surface
understanding of our wife or girlfriend. And to make matters worse, most guys
have no idea how to make their limited understanding work in actual practice.
For example, most guys have heard that women want security. Okay—but
what does that mean, exactly? A regular paycheck? A big house? A growing
retirement fund? It’s a huge shocker to talk to hundreds of women and find that
while financial security is nice, it isn’t nearly as important to them as feeling
emotionally secure—feeling close and confident that you will be there for her no
matter what. And believe it or not, ensuring emotional security turns out to be a
lot easier than ensuring the financial security you are probably busting your tail
to provide.
For Men Only will help you move from surface understandings to the allimportant recognition of what those things mean in everyday life with your
woman. Once you start testing out these findings, I think you’ll be amazed at the
difference it makes for both of you.
For Men Only will help you move from surface understanding to
recognizing what those things mean in everyday life.
The book is organized around six major findings outlined on the next page.
Some of these will be surprises to you. Some won’t, at least to begin with. (But
that’s the thing about “swamps”—what you see is rarely what is really there.)
OUR SURFACE
UNDERSTANDING
WHAT IT MEANS IN PRACTICE
Women need to
feel loved.
Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental
insecurity about your love—and when that insecurity is triggered, she may
respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured.
Women are
emotional.
Women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their past and
present all the time, at the same time—and these can’t be easily dismissed.
Women want
security—in other
words, financial
security.
Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with you so much
that she will endure financial insecurity to get it.
She doesn’t want
you to fix it; she just
wants you to listen.
When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and her desire to
be heard are much more important than the problem itself.
She doesn’t want
much sex; she must
not want me.
Physically, women tend to crave sex less often than men do—and it is
usually not related to your desirability.
She wants to look
attractive.
Inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who deeply needs to know
that you find her beautiful—and that you only have eyes for her.
How We Found Out: Our Methodology
For nearly a year, Shaunti and I worked to identify inner “map terrain” areas that
are common to most women but that most guys tend not to understand. Besides
conducting hundreds of in-person interviews, we gathered huge amounts of
anecdotal information at dozens of women’s events where Shaunti was
presenting materials from For Women Only. I spoke with stay-at-home moms,
business owners, and secretaries; on airplanes, in focus groups, and over
Shaunti’s book table as she was mobbed after women’s conferences. And I sifted
through hundreds of e-mails and forum postings from Shaunti’s 4-
womenonly.com website.
In all these venues, I was really just the “embedded male.” Like the reporters
who rode with the armored cavalry divisions at the opening of the Iraqi war, I
kept my helmet on, my head down, and my notebook handy.
I was the “embedded male.” I kept my helmet on, my head
down, and my notebook handy.
After all that research, we did a scientific national survey. As Shaunti had
done for her previous book, we worked with survey-design expert Chuck
Cowan, former chief of census design for the U.S. Census Bureau, and
professional survey company Decision Analyst. They came together to help us
design and conduct a groundbreaking, representative survey of four hundred
women all over the country. In the end, between interviews, surveys, events, and
other input, we estimate that well over three thousand women provided input for
this book.
I know you’ll be fascinated by the results. While some of the findings may be
challenging or difficult to accept, most men have been surprised by how helpful
many of these truths are and how simple they are to implement for a better,
easier relationship.
The Map Key
Before we tackle each of the findings, some pointers on reading the map:
• This book holds to a biblical world view. Our aim is to be relevant and
revealing, no matter what your worldview is. But because Shaunti and I
view life through our Christian faith, we have seen that these findings are
consistent with biblical principles. We believe that relationships are most
fulfilling when both people have a common commitment to serving Jesus
Christ. We do not quote very heavily from Scripture, but we do draw
from and reference it as the only truly dependable guidebook for
relationships. For example, our starting-point assumption is that
husbands need to love their wives just as Jesus does us—which means to
love, serve, and be willing to sacrifice everything for her good, even
above our own.
• This is not a comprehensive marriage book. There are already plenty of
marriage books on the market—including many terrific ones from
Christian experts. So we stay away from well-covered topics and areas
that guys already tend to have a handle on, and we leave the heavy-duty
theological discussions for those books. (If you want to investigate those
further, we list several recommended resources at our website,
www.formenonlybook.com.) Also, while we are writing more for
married men, these insights will be helpful for anyone in a committed
male-female relationship. That said, if your relationship is seriously on
the rocks, this little book will probably open your eyes in some important
areas, but it is not designed to cover a real crisis situation. We encourage
you to get the kind of counsel and support your marriage deserves.
• This is not an equal treatment. Just as For Women Only was
purposefully one-sided—and if your wife read it, you may have benefited
from that fact—so is this book. Yes, you have needs too, and there
certainly may be relationship issues arising because she doesn’t
understand you. But For Women Only addresses many of those, and this
book is not about them. This is only about the inner lives of women, and
we’re focusing entirely on how men relate to women, not the other way
around. (That is also why the survey only polled heterosexual women.)
• There are exceptions to every rule. Recognize that when I say “most
women” appear to think a certain way, “most” does not mean all. We
make generalizations out of necessity to be helpful in the widest number
of circumstances possible. Inevitably there will be exceptions.
• Our findings may not be politically correct, but we try to be true to
the evidence. As a newspaper columnist on women’s issues, Shaunti
sometimes receives e-mails from women complaining that she is doing
exactly what we intend to do in this book—making generalizations about
women. Add the fact that I, as a guy, am daring to make those
generalizations, and we recognize the potential for controversy. We don’t
quite know how to get around that, so we decided to just report what we
learned. (For any woman sneaking a peak: We do not intend to be
offensive; we just want to speak frankly to men, from a man’s viewpoint,
about you. Our sole intention is to help your man understand and love
you better. Even if we have to poke fun at the male preoccupation with
sex to do it.)
We decided to just report what we learned.
The Thing to Do Next
We think in the pages ahead you’re going to receive a lot of very promising
invitations to try some new things. Most are incredibly simple, but they may not
come naturally. At least at first. Of course, if all you read about here is already
instinctive to you, you wouldn’t be troubled by randomness, confusion,
frustration…and did I mention swamps?
My encouragement to you: Give the process time as you retrain years of
incorrect assumptions and counterproductive reactions. Bring a humble attitude.
Be willing to practice. Believe it can be done.
Because I’ve learned that it can be. After several months of being the
embedded male, I was watching a movie with Shaunti one night. Halfway
through, I casually mentioned that I didn’t like the way one female character
treated another. Shaunti sat up on the couch, grinned, and said, “You’re thinking
like a girl!”
Now, she meant it as high praise, but in the small Midwest town where I grew
up, that kind of talk could get a guy slugged. But then I realized: Maybe I had
learned a valuable thing or two about the female universe, just by listening in.
Here’s hoping that you do, too.
Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental
insecurity about your love—and when that insecurity is triggered, she
may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels
reassured that you love her.
Think of the deals you’ve struck in your life. Your first car. Your first real job.
Your first house. You saw what you wanted, did what you had to do to get it—
and you came home with a done deal.
No deal compares to winning a wife, though. You pursued her with all the
creativity and resources you could muster, and the deal was done. Your wedding
day was the day you proved your love to the world, and to her. Divorce stats to
the contrary, I’d bet—since you’re reading this book—your marriage feels like
the most obviously closed deal in your whole life.
Right?
Well, not exactly. As we’ll explain in this chapter, it just feels closed for you.
No, your wife isn’t still out looking for other suitors. But in an unusual and
powerful way that married men don’t really understand, your wife doesn’t feel
permanently loved once the marriage papers are signed. Yes, she knows you love
her, but there are periodic times when her feelings need to be convinced and
reassured.
The Truth About “I Do”
It’s no surprise that women need to feel loved. What is a surprise is that buried
inside most women—even those in great relationships—is a latent insecurity
about whether their man really loves them, and whether the relationship is okay.
This sense of vulnerability may usually be under the surface of their minds, but
when it is triggered, most women show signs of distress until the concern is
resolved.
You can read “show signs of distress” as “drive their man nuts” if you want.
Buried inside most women—even those in great relationships—
is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them.
Fact is, you’re going to see, as I did, that many of the things that perplex or
even anger us about our wife or girlfriend are signals that they are feeling
insecure about our love or the relationship.
For example, have you ever wondered why your wife:
• asks, “Do you love me?” even though you’ve done nothing to indicate
you’ve changed your mind about loving her? (In fact, you just told her
you loved her this morning on the way out the door!)
• takes your need for space or “cave” time as an indication that you’re upset
with and trying to get away from her?
• wants to talk, talk, talk about your relationship—especially at the times
you least want to?
• seems to turn critical or pushy for no reason you can figure?
• gets crabby or “excessively emotional” and seems to push you away—but
is unhappy or angry when you stay away?
If you’re like me, you react to these seemingly unrelated behaviors with
confusion and frustration. You become convinced you’ll never know what she
wants, and could never please her if you did.
But our research for For Men Only has persuaded me that every single one of
those behaviors is related, and many are easy to resolve. Once you’re clued in,
you’ll see those “drive you nuts” behaviors as red warning lights signaling a
breach in your wife’s confidence about whether you really love her.
You’ll see those “drive you nuts” behaviors as red warning lights
signaling a breach in your wife’s confidence about whether you
really love her.
I know it sounds crazy to you that your wife might ever wonder whether you
love her. But as it turns out, your “I do” actually didn’t bring permanent
emotional closure and put her mind at rest about your feelings for her forever.
For her, your “I do” doesn’t erase that insecurity about your love that lives under
the surface in even the most happily married woman—an insecurity that, when
triggered, becomes a deeply felt uncertainty: “Do you? Do you still…love me?
Are we still okay?”
Now, you might be thinking, “Surely this doesn’t apply to my wife! She
knows I love her!” Yes, she probably does. But we’re not talking here about
what she knows logically, but rather about the feeling that rises up when
something has triggered it. Even otherwise secure, confident wives find that this
latent “Does he really love me?” insecurity is relatively easily triggered—and it
is this feeling that we need to take seriously.
Having gotten so much input from women, I now believe that if men can get
clarity on this hidden insecurity, we’ll experience a lot more understanding,
peace, and pleasure at home.
Let’s begin with looking closer at the mystery.
Three Surprises (What “Never a Done Deal” Feels
Like to Her)
As the token embedded male for our surveys and focus groups, I was in for a
number of big surprises on the subject of women’s relational, triggered
insecurity.
My First Surprise—How frequent these feelings are Whereas most guys coast
along rarely thinking about the health of the relationship, for most women that is
unthinkable.
Seven out of every ten women said their relationship and how their man felt
about them was anywhere from “occasionally” to nearly always on their minds.
Fewer than 20 percent said that they wondered about it only when things were
difficult. Just 12 percent never thought about it.
Under what circumstances do you think about your
relationship, whether it is going well, or how your
husband/significant other feels about you? [Choose One
Answer]
I’m guessing that for most guys, “occasional” thoughts about the closeness of
our relationship might boil down to birthdays, anniversaries, and when
something goes drastically, obviously haywire. But when we asked women what
they meant by “occasional” concern about how their man felt about them, I often
heard that it meant several times a week, or whenever it was triggered (such as
by what we might consider a relatively minor spat).
We checked these results by asking the question another way and got an even
stronger response. Four out of five women acknowledged sometimes feeling
insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under fortyfive, the percentage jumped to 91 percent, and among those with children in
middle school or younger, it was almost universal.
I realize us guys can understand this foreign-seeming insecurity if we compare
it to one of our own. As one woman put it, “You know that record that’s always
running in a guy’s head about providing? Well, we have the same fundamental
concern about our relationship all the time. And if it’s not going well, it can
mess up everything else in our lives.”
My Second Surprise—How intensely painful these feelings
are
Almost every woman I asked said she cared about her man so much that when
this relational insecurity was triggered, it was very painful—sometimes almost
debilitating—and it became difficult, if not impossible, for them to get it off
their minds. As several women put it, “When we’re at odds, nothing is right with
the world until it is resolved.”
On the survey, three out of four women agreed, saying that this “Does he
really love me?” concern left them feeling preoccupied, emotionally withdrawn,
depressed, or affected in other “visible” ways. Look at the data:
When you are feeling insecure about his love or the
relationship, which of the following are true about your
feelings? [Choose all correct answers.
*1
]
You and I have every right to think the woman we love shouldn’t feel
insecure. We’re faithful, we go to work, we do love her…and we’re still here.
But just because we think our wife should feel secure doesn’t mean that she
always does. Which leads to my third realization.
Just because we think our wife should feel secure about our
love doesn’t mean that she always does.
My Third Surprise—How resistant to “logic” (i.e. my
logic) her feelings remain
As Shaunti points out: “It’s irrelevant whether she should ‘know logically’ that
she’s loved. If she doesn’t feel loved, it’s the same for her as if she isn’t loved.”
One survey taker put it this way:
I wish he realized that where he processes everything based just on logic, I
process information based also on emotion. He says that I know logically
that he loves me, and that should be enough. But the fact is, emotionally I
don’t feel loved.
Again, think about one of our own “resistant to logic” concerns. Even secure
guys who are good at their jobs inwardly feel—all logic to the contrary—that
they still could be just a few mistakes or industry hiccups away from losing their
job. And even women in good relationships feel that they could be just a few bad
blowups away from losing their man’s love.
As one woman said, “I don’t think we ever take his love for granted.”
Even women in good relationships feel that they could be just a
few bad blowups away from losing their man’s love.
Hidden Triggers
What sets these insecurity tremors off? What in the course of everyday life in a
reasonably healthy relationship is most likely to drive her to wonder, “Does he
still love me?” (Other than the big, obvious factors such as infidelity or physical
violence?) Here are a few triggers:
• Conflict—anything that gives her the feeling that something is wrong,
that the two of you are at odds, or that you are unhappy with her. As one
woman put it, “A lot of desperate feelings surface for me when I feel like
my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and
I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.”
• Withdrawal—which is, of course, how we often respond to conflict! We
tend to retreat into silence to escape unwanted feelings, because we can’t
fully articulate something yet, or to avoid saying something hurtful.
Unfortunately, seeing her man withdraw or be moody usually generates
more unwanted feelings for a woman! Several women described the
resulting thought this way: “What happens if he doesn’t snap out of it
this time?!”
• Silence—even if nothing’s wrong. Because women have a radar for
unspoken conflict, it’s pretty easy for women to jump to conclusions
when their man is more withdrawn or quiet than usual. As one woman
put it, “If you’re quiet, it must be me.” When that happens, see it for
what it is and instead of getting defensive (“Why do you always assume
there’s something wrong?!”), use it as an opportunity to reassure her of
your love.
• Her “emotional bank account” is depleted—perhaps she’s exhausted, or
her work or the children have been particularly taxing. This may even
have nothing to do with you…but she could be more easily “triggered” if
her emotional bank account has nothing left in it.
• You’re absent a lot—even if you hate the obligations that keep you
away, she’s more likely to experience your absence as a challenge to her
security in your love. (See chapter 4 for more on creating “security.”)
• Unresolved relationship issues—a trigger that most guys miss entirely. If
a woman has a concern about the relationship that doesn’t feel
“resolved”—even if there’s no conflict involved—she is going to want to
talk. And if we try to avoid it, it only makes her insecurity—and her
desire to talk—worse.
Once we recognize these triggers and see the red warning light for what it is—
a signal that she needs to be reassured of our love—we can take some incredibly
simple steps toward being part of the answer for her, rather than part of the
problem.
A Practical Guide to Turning Off the Red Warning
Light
I hope you’re seeing by now that a woman is likely to experience an
undercurrent of emotional insecurity in her relationship even if you and I are
totally innocent of intent, injury, or error (not that we always are, but work with
me here). But that doesn’t mean we can’t be part of the solution.
Maybe a husband’s responsibility and opportunity in this regard is what the
apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote the simple admonition “Husbands, love
your wives…” in his letter to the church at Ephesus. I don’t hear any echoes of
“The deal is sealed” in his words. Or “Once you’ve won a wife, Bubba, you’re
off the hook.” What I hear is much more dynamic: love, go on loving, continue
to prove your love, keep on winning her heart with your love…
I don’t hear any echoes of “Once you’ve won a wife, Bubba,
you’re off the hook.”
So how do you and I address the fact that our wife carries around this
fundamental insecurity about our love? Based on all the research, there are two
key solutions:
1) In the face of insecurity, reassure her.
2) Even after you’ve caught her, continue to pursue her.
Thankfully, both are completely doable for ordinary guys like you and me.
Part 1. Regular Reassurance
Once her insecurity has been triggered and her heart is wondering, “Does he
really love me?” the solution is simple: Reassure her that you do. Here are five
ways to do that.
1. During conflict, reassure her of your love.
During the disagreement, the misunderstanding, the really bad treatment? Yes.
In the middle of a conflict, affirm your love as real and enduring, quite separate
from your anger or her behavior.
That is the magic bullet that almost every woman told us would make all the
difference: If their man would say, “I’m angry right now, and I need some space,
but I want you to know that we’re okay.” On the survey, a whopping 95 percent
of women said that this one step on our part would diminish or even eliminate
the emotional turmoil on their part.
In an emotional conflict, if your husband/significant other
initiates a step to reassure you of his love, how much does
it help diminish any turmoil you are feeling? [Choose one
answer.]
That is the magic bullet that almost every woman told us would
make all the difference.
Chances are, in conflict, your woman is feeling unloved (even unlovable) and
needs you to look her in the eye and tell her that you love her and you’re not
going anywhere.
Okay, reality check: You won’t feel your words in the same way you did
when you were parked above the city in your convertible and her perfume was
driving you crazy. It’s one thing for us to give reassurances when things are
peachy, but quite another when we’re at odds with each other and we’d rather
stomp out to the garage and split a block of wood with our bare hands.
But the survey also showed that 86 percent of women said that bolstered by
our “I want you to know that we’re okay” reassurance, they’d be better able to
give us the space we need. (Do you see the possibilities? Reassure her of your
love, then stomp out to the garage!) Why? Because we’ve reassured them on the
original question, Does he still love me?
It’s one thing for us to give reassurances when things are
peachy, but quite another when we’re at odds and would rather
stomp out to the garage and split a block of wood with our bare
hands.
Suppose you and your husband/significant other are in the
middle of an emotional conflict, and he eventually says, “I
don’t want to talk about this right now.” If he were to add a
reassurance, such as, “I want you to know that we’re okay,”
would that make you more or less likely to be able to give
him space? [Choose One Answer]
There is one final step to making this magic bullet really work, though. After
you’ve had your space “for a while,” you have to come back and be willing to
address the original issue, without making her bring it up.
Easy? No. Effective? You bet. Because, as one woman said, “The fact that he
comes back often matters more than the reason for the conflict in the first place.”
“The fact that he comes back often matters more than the
reason for the conflict in the first place.”
2. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her.
If you’re like most guys, when you have a lot of thinking to do—even if there’s
no conflict—you need time alone to process things. Most women we heard from
react exactly the opposite—only 9 percent wanted to handle their feelings of
insecurity alone. (Which is also why, when you two are at odds and you most
want to get away to process in silence, she most wants to talk.)
So state your need in the context of hers: “Honey, right now I just need some
time alone—I’m just out of sorts. It has nothing to do with how I feel about
you.” That will make it much easier for her to let you have space without
misinterpreting your need.
3. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space—she needs
a hug.
When our wife or girlfriend is upset, we do what we would do with other guys:
We give her space to work things out. But with very few exceptions, when
women are upset they don’t want space. They want a hug.
I think this next comment is one of the most valuable “just do this” quotes in
the book:
All I want is him to know that half the time I’m just as confused as he is.
Instead of getting upset and leaving me alone to “calm down,” I just want
him to come close and give me a huge hug and let me know he loves me
and he wants me to feel better again.
4. If she needs to talk about the relationship, do your best to
listen without becoming defensive.
The next step is a little bit more intimidating, but essential. If she does need to
talk, try to see it as she does: a joint problem-solving session instead of an attack
on you.
“When I tell him how I feel about something concerning our relationship, I am
just trying to share my feelings so we can discuss it,” one woman told us. “But
he takes it as criticism, and then I feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. I wish
he could understand that it’s important for me to be able to talk about these
things and understand that I’m not just being critical.”
All this research has convinced me that when most women bring up a
problem, they are not thinking that we’ve failed—and we need to push through
our natural tendency to view what they are saying as criticism.
5. If she is being difficult, don’t stop—keep reassuring her
of your love.
Finally, let’s address a dynamic that confuses and even aggravates us: the
importance of reassuring and showing love to our wife even when she’s difficult,
resistant, or pushing us away. As you can probably guess by now, that is usually
just one more (and more difficult!) sign of that “Do you really love me?”
question.
When we asked some women why they might push their husband away or
make it hard for their husband to love them (by being difficult or critical, for
example), most women knew exactly what we were talking about. But they had
a hard time explaining why they did it. It was really, they said, a subconscious
attempt to assuage their inner uncertainty about his love.
Another woman made this comment, which is long, but very valuable for
confused men like you and me:
You have to realize, if a woman says, “I need to hear that you love me,”
and the guy dutifully says, “I love you,” well, that’s essentially
meaningless: like she made him say something he didn’t feel. So if she’s
feeling confused and neglected and really does want to be assured of his
feelings, she can’t just ask. And if they are at odds, she’s maybe a little mad
at him, so when he approaches her, she pushes him away even though that
is what she most wants! But if he’ll put aside his pride and try again, if he’ll
risk grabbing her hand and saying something like “Don’t go away. I want to
know what’s wrong,” that will break through her defenses. It tells her that
no matter how she’s feeling right then, that whew, he really loves her.
Fair warning: This will include times where we’ve sensed insecurity and are
trying to reassure her—and still get pushed away. Few things drive a guy crazy
more than the sense of being tested or manipulated, and most of us soon give up
in disgust. I can’t tell you how many times when facing resistance I’ve thought,
Fine, suit yourself. I’ve got to go cut the lawn anyway. And then I pretty much
put the incident out of my mind. Unfortunately, she can’t.
She’s still seeking the answer to the original question: “Do you still love
me?”
*2
My advice is, if you’re speechless with frustration at that point, you’re still in
the game. Forget giving speeches and simply reach for her.
If you’re speechless with frustration at that point, forget giving
speeches and simply reach for her.
Part 2. Persistent Pursuit
Now we come to an even more valuable tool for a man who wants to show his
wife that he still means his “I do”: pursuit. It’s even better than saying those
reassuring words once she’s already feeling insecure. Pursuit is action—it’s what
you did when you first saw her and wanted to make her yours. It prevents a lot of
her insecurity. It fills up her emotional bank account. And pursuit is what she
still deeply desires and needs in her marriage, even if us “close the deal” kind of
guys are already on to the next big deal—completing our education, launching a
career, raising kids, perfecting our golf swing…
All worthy goals, mind you. But they tend to make us forget that the pursuit of
her that we thought was completed really isn’t.
Pursuit prevents a lot of her insecurity.
One woman we interviewed recounted a common story line that captures the
dilemma perfectly:
I know a woman who was divorced for quite a few years, but then this new
guy started pursuing her. At first she was cautious—she was fine on her
own and didn’t think he was her “type.” But he just wooed her—there’s no
other way of putting it. He was very attentive, and made it clear that he
thought she was something special and that he wouldn’t be dissuaded that
easily. He sent her flowers all the time, which is one of her “things,” and
dropped her little notes, and it just made her feel so special. As he pursued
her steadily like that for several years, she saw all his terrific qualities and
fell hard in love. They got married—and almost immediately she began to
think that something was wrong. All those little things that said “I love
you” to her—well, he stopped doing them! No more flowers or notes or
pursuing. It seemed to her like once they got married, he suddenly stopped
caring about her. And now, he doesn’t understand why she’s upset. He just
says, “Of course I love you, honey!” And then goes on about his day.
Meantime, he doesn’t realize that his wife is getting seriously, seriously
depressed.
Of course, you and I can identify with this story from the guy’s side. It’s
common for men to think that pursuing goes with dating, not with marriage. But
women don’t see things that way. There is never that magic moment of closure,
when they feel permanently, fully, deeply loved. They think that’s what the rest
of married life is for! That’s why they need and deserve to be pursued every day.
In fact, several women compared the need to feel pursued by their husbands
with the need that a man has to feel sexually desired by his wife! If it’s that
important, what is a smart married man to do?
Big-screen answer: Give chase.
Pixel answer: Ask yourself, What did I do when I was dating that made me so
pickin’ irresistible?
Ask yourself, What did I do when I was dating that made me so
pickin’ irresistible?
Probably you spent hours just hanging out together. You listened. You flirted.
You sent little e-mails during the day just to say hi. You shared dreams.
You said things like:
“We’re so good together.”
“I can’t imagine life without you.”
“I’m so glad God brought us together.”
“I love you so much it hurts…”
You proved to her, in other words, that you were smitten.
Want a portrait of pursuit in marriage? You and I should consider that we
might already be masters of it. Now that we know the chase isn’t over, we just
need to remember to do what came so naturally before.
“You didn’t come after me.”
Maybe you remember the 1998 remake of the old Disney movie The Parent
Trap, starring Dennis Quaid, Natasha Richardson, and then-twelve-year-old
Lindsay Lohan. Our young daughter loves this movie, and we were watching it
for the twentieth time one night when Shaunti pointed out a perfect illustration
for this book. In the movie, two preteen girls realize they are twins, separated at
birth when their parents divorced—so they plot to get them back together by
switching places. The British mom and American dad still care about each other,
and when they finally meet again, Nick asks his ex-wife, Elizabeth, about what
happened between them.
Nick: It ended so fast….So…about the day you packed…. Why did you do it?
Elizabeth: Nick, we were so young, and we each had tempers. We each said
foolish things. So I packed, got on my first 747 and…you didn’t come after
me.
(Dead silence.)
Nick: I didn’t know I was supposed to.
Elizabeth: (Smiling bravely) Well, it really doesn’t matter now…. So let’s just
put on a good face for the girls, shall we, and get this show on the road.
Shaunti said this was an example of where the woman really wanted him to
come after her.
I asked, “But why didn’t she just tell him that she wanted him to stop her from
leaving? Why play games and make him read her mind?”
She looked at me, totally astonished. “Because if she said, ‘Come after me,’ it
wouldn’t mean anything! It would be her decision, not his. She’d always doubt
whether he did it on his own or because she asked him and guilted him into it.”
Oh. Now I get it.
The movie, by the way, ends well. Nick finally realizes that in spite of
Elizabeth’s seeming to push him away, she wanted him to follow. And so he
does. Because he learns to pursue, learns to reassure, the family is reunited.
Chances are, your wife or girlfriend is carrying around an unseen uncertainty
about your love and needs you to come after her, too, look her in the eye, and tell
her that you love her…and you’re not going to let her get away.
Women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their past and
present all the time, at the same time—and these can’t be easily
dismissed.
One day early on in our research, my kids and I dropped by the home of some
close friends, Alec and Susie. While our children went outside to play, Alec
asked me what I’d been learning about the mysterious other gender. I tried to
describe a growing realization: The female brain is not a normal instrument.
Normal, Alec and I agreed, would mean “male.” Instead, I described what
many women had told me: that their thought lives were almost like busy
computers with multiple windows open and running all at once, unwanted popups intruding all the time, and little ability to close out or ignore any of that
mental or emotional activity until a more convenient time.
My friend shook his head in amazement. Strange, we both agreed. Very
strange.
Their thought lives are almost like busy computers with multiple
windows open and running all at once.
Susie, sitting at her computer nearby, had been listening, much amused, to the
male sleuths at work in her kitchen. So my friend and I decided to test my
working conclusions on the spot. “Okay, hon,” said Alec, “so what is in your
brain right now?”
She looked up. “Right now? Well, let’s see.” She started ticking things off on
her fingers. “I’m thinking about all the points I want to make in this article I’m
writing. I’m thinking I need to check the pizza in the oven pretty soon. I’m
hoping the kids are doing okay out on the trampoline and thinking I should go
check on them. I’m wondering whether we’re going to hear back tonight on this
business deal we’re waiting on and thinking about what I can say to move things
forward.” She hesitated a moment, then looked up at Alec. “And if you really
want to know, I keep worrying about the argument you and I had this morning,
and whether you’re still upset.”
We looked stunned. “There’s probably more,” she said. “You want me to keep
going?”
Alec verbalized what any guy would be wondering: “How do you get
anything done with all that stuff in your head?” And more to the point, “Why
don’t you just turn off all the other thoughts so you can concentrate?”
Susie looked perplexed. “Because I can’t,” she said. “And even if I did, they’d
come back.”
After hearing this sort of thing dozens of times, I realized that how a woman
multitasks her thoughts and feelings isn’t just an interesting academic difference
between the sexes. It probably impacts how your wife or girlfriend relates to you
every single day. That means a closer look at this mysterious mental difference
is definitely in order.
This female multitasking of thoughts and feelings impacts how
your wife or girlfriend relates to you every single day.
Her Mysterious Matrix
Picture this: You’re on your computer, moving between six or seven open
screens on your desktop. Perhaps you’re juggling three or four Word documents,
an Excel spreadsheet or two, and your home budgeting program. In addition,
your e-mail program and Internet browser are running, and your computer is
playing your favorite Webcast radio program. It’s a digital Grand Central
Station.
Now add another dimension: Imagine that some of the open files and
programs are actually weeks old and have been running there in the background
the whole time. Even worse, your computer is infected with spyware that keeps
causing annoying advertisements to pop up. You’ve tried to close these
unwanted files and pop-ups many times. You’ve installed anti-spyware programs
and rebooted your computer. But those pesky things just keep coming back. The
best you can do is to minimize or ignore them so you can focus on the other halfdozen tasks you’re actively juggling at any one time…
Welcome to a woman’s mental and emotional world—a world that has
probably affected yours more than you realize. Here’s what our surveys found:
• First, most women juggle multiple thoughts and feelings at the same time.
• Second, about half of all women have stored thoughts or feelings from the
past that regularly pop up into active mode whether they want them to or
not.
• Third, women seem consistently unable to close these windows as easily
as men can.
Let’s look more carefully at what each of these statements means, how this
affects you, and how to make the most of the mysterious but wonderful way
she’s wired.
Women seem consistently unable to close these windows as
easily as men can.
Of course, to make any progress on this discussion, we’ll have to switch to
male-pattern processing. That would mean, for example, taking one thing at a
time.
There’s Lots Goin’ On in There
Take multitasking: I’ve suggested that like a computer running multiple tasks,
my wife will tend to have many different thoughts and feelings all running in her
brain at the same time. Where I would tend to process thoughts and feelings
sequentially—working on one screen at a time, closing it, and moving on to the
next—Shaunti is likely to have many screens open simultaneously and is able to
jump back and forth between them at will. Or against her will.
In fact, on the survey nearly eight of ten women described themselves in very
similar ways. Agreement became almost universal (in the 90–95 percent range)
for women under forty-five and those with middle-school or younger children at
home.
Which scenario best describes how you experience
thoughts and emotions? [Choose One Answer]
This may perplex us, but think how the unique properties of the female brain
prepare her in so many ways for success. Think, for example, of how you’ve
watched in amazement as your wife or mom managed an onslaught of cranky
kids, made dinner, talked on the phone to a colleague, and let the cat out…all at
the same time. Think of how your wife or girlfriend’s brain has nurtured
countless relationships or deftly managed the web of commitments in an
extended family while holding down a job. You get the idea.
Most men are very different. Early in our marriage, if Shaunti found me
sitting by myself, she’d ask me what I was thinking. When I answered
“nothing,” she’d get irritated and press me to please tell her what I was thinking.
She didn’t understand that I really was thinking…nothing! My desktop was
empty, a screen saver was up, and no one was home.
Do you relate? Women don’t. As one woman put it: “There’s never a time that
there’s nothing going on in my head. If I answer ‘nothing,’ it’s because I’m mad
at him!”
“There’s never a time that there’s nothing going on in my head.”
This female matrix of multiple emotions and thoughts—all running at the
same time—helps to explain some perplexing things, including:
• Why women jump topics in the middle of conversation. When this
happens, we might think: a) she’s going off on a tangent, b) she’s
muddled, c) she’s not paying attention, d) she’s not being respectful, or
e) all of the above. But then we only have one window open, so we’re
only having one conversation. Turns out she’s already deep into, oh, five
or six at the same time! We just didn’t know it.
• Why your wife or girlfriend, by comparison, often has so much more than
you to talk about at the end of the day. Now you know—even at the end
of a very busy day, you’ve only been busy running down one track! But
not her.
Invasion of the Pop-Ups
Not only do women have multiple thoughts running at once, about half regularly
experience uninvited thoughts or feelings—from the present or the past—that
pop up and interrupt their day. For the men who live with them, that means that
they often interrupt ours, too!
More than a man, a woman will be regularly hit by unresolved emotional
issues or hurts from a conversation or concern from last night, last month, or ten
years ago. To the man in her life, it might seem that her past keeps crowding into
her present, that she’s choosing to dwell on something that’s better left alone, or
that she’s choosing to irrationally rehash or return to a matter that he thought
was closed. But for her it’s not irrational—in fact, if this is the way she’s wired,
it would be irrational for her not to address something that has circled back
around.
According to our national survey, about half of all women are interrupted by
these pop-up thoughts or feelings multiple times a week, even multiple times a
day. Among younger women and those with children at home, the proportion
again was higher—at between 55–60 percent of survey takers. Perhaps not
surprisingly, the percentage rose as high as 80 percent among women who
described their relationship as shaky and those in difficult financial straits.
Some women say that emotions from experiences in the
recent or even distant past (particularly negative ones)
sometimes rise up in their minds. These may be triggered,
or may seem to arise from nowhere. How often do you
experience this? [Choose One Answer]
It’s not that women are helpless victims of these mental and emotional
intruders. They’re just more likely to have them, and to have difficulty getting
rid of them, than men. One woman in a focus group put it this way: “A lot of
women will say, ‘Don’t play that tape in your head. You have to stop. Stop,
don’t go there with that thought.’ It’s easier said than done, but at least we try.”
Actually, we do this, too…
Does that comment sound startlingly familiar to you? I realized that we men can
understand this struggle intimately because we have a visual parallel. Every man
knows what it is like to have tempting images pop up in his brain, unwanted…
just like our wives have strong emotional memories or concerns pop up,
unwanted. As one woman wrote in:
If all men are truly visual and can’t help it, then I think they should please
understand that women are truly verbal and can’t help it. For example, the
things men say to us are in mental tape archives and are as real today as
they were the moment they were spoken.
“The things men say to us are in mental tape archives and are
as real today as they were the moment they were spoken.”
So that’s why…
The involuntary, long-term nature of this can help explain why more than one
husband has felt:
• blindsided when his wife brings up something that happened two years
ago;
• surprised by a sudden flare-up of emotion attached to a memory;
• stung by unexpected heat that turns a conversation into an argument; or
• dismayed that she got hurt by something seemingly outside of the
moment’s mood or context.
If you’re like me, you might think that she is unwilling to “let go” of
something—an old offense or memory or grudge. That she’s choosing an
“emotional” response, instead of a “rational” one—as if the two were mutually
exclusive. (Hint: For women, they’re not.) What’s more likely is that her past is
emotionally invading her present, and her current reaction is a quite reasonable
response to the fact that she is feeling blindsided, surprised, stung, or dismayed
by the current experience of an old problem that has never really been resolved
or healed. Or perhaps there’s some current trouble that keeps invading her
awareness—an open, running window that keeps painfully popping to the fore,
even if she doesn’t want it there.
If her past is emotionally invading her present, her emotional
reaction is a reasonable response.
Where’s the “Close” Button?
And that brings us to the most important piece of this dynamic: that most women
find it difficult or impossible to close out and ignore unwanted thoughts and
feelings. We’ve all heard that women don’t “compartmentalize” like we do, but I
never before understood what that meant.
To illustrate, let’s go back to that conversation in our friends’ kitchen. I, too,
had several things on my mind—including that I should check on the kids out in
the backyard. But when I compared notes with Shaunti, we realized that I could
handle those thoughts much differently than she could have in the same
situation:
Jeff: I’m talking with Alec, and think, “Should I check on the kids? Yeah, I’ll do
that in about five minutes.” Then I simply put it out of my mind—like on a
five-minute mental timer. I don’t give it another thought until the timer goes
off.
Shaunti: How do you do that? I would love to put a thought on a timer and not
think about it, but it’s impossible. I simply have to function around that
awareness that the kids need to be checked on or my friend is having a hard
time with her marriage and needs me to call her or whatever. It never really
goes away until the issue is resolved.
Of course, when I told Shaunti my timer function could actually put an issue
that I didn’t want to deal with on hold and out of mind for weeks, her interest in
my brain turned to alarm.
Our survey shows that the vast majority of women just aren’t wired to easily
ignore unwanted thoughts. As one woman said: “The best I can do is to
‘minimize’ the other windows, not close them. I’m not actively thinking about
those things every minute, but they aren’t gone, either. And they often pop back
up and become active when I don’t want them to.”
The vast majority of women just aren’t wired to easily ignore
unwanted thoughts.
On those occasions when you have multiple emotional
“windows” open, how readily can you usually dismiss
negative thoughts and emotions that are bothering you?
[Choose One Answer]
For more than four out of five, closing out their unwanted thoughts either
required effort or was impossible. (For women under age forty-five, the number
rose to almost 90 percent.) The vast majority indicated that those thoughts would
never really go away, or would at least keep returning, until whatever was
causing them was resolved.
Which means that our usual manly advice to “Just don’t think about it” is
about as helpful as another shovelful of sand in the Sahara.
We Can Relate
Here’s a way that you can almost certainly relate to what this feels like. Imagine
that your company just lost its biggest client, and at 5:00 p.m. on Friday your
boss says, “I’ll need to see you in my office first thing Monday morning.” If
you’re like me, your weekend is ruined, and anxious thoughts wreak havoc until
Monday arrives. Your normal ability to compartmentalize is compromised by
the magnitude of the concern.
Women aren’t that dissimilar—it’s just that their magnitude threshold is far
lower than ours. Just as you couldn’t close out the anxious thoughts about what
might happen on Monday, she can’t close out all sorts of open windows.
That gives you a bit of a glimpse into how your wife feels when you have a
bad argument in the morning and are at odds with each other. You can usually
go off to work and put it out of your mind, but she may be completely unable to.
The awareness that something is wrong is stalking her thoughts all day, until the
argument is resolved and she is reassured.
You can usually go off to work and put an argument out of your
mind, but she may be completely unable to.
Real-Life Example
I think we men need to have our eyes opened to the real-life examples that are all
around us so we can see how this actually works and what to do about it. So let
me pick an example that just happened last night. Shaunti was out of town with
the kids, and a colleague invited me over for dinner with his wife, Donna, and
two small children. When I arrived, Bob was working in another room with one
of those fire-starter devices that you click to get a flame. The following
conversation occurred as the adults sat down for dinner a few minutes later:
Donna: Honey, what did you do with the fire-starter?
Bob: I left it in the other room.
Donna: But…the kids are in there.
Bob: It’s okay. It would be impossible for them to figure out how to get a flame
—it’s pretty difficult to use.
Donna: But what if—
Bob: Really, hon, there’s no way they would be strong enough to click the flame
on.
Donna: Okay…That’s true….
Previously, I wouldn’t have thought a thing about this conversation. But now,
as I watched Donna across the table, I could tell—with my newly acquired,
supersensitive male radar—that a window had popped open and was not going to
close until something set her mind at ease. So I mentioned to Bob and Donna
what I’d been learning about how women couldn’t usually just decide to close a
window and not think about something that was bothering them.
Donna sat bolt upright. “That’s it!” she said, “That’s exactly what I’m
feeling.” She pushed away from the table, moved the fire-starter out of the kids’
reach, and came back.
“Now,” she said, “I can enjoy dinner.”
Bob and I both realized that if she hadn’t been encouraged to take that ten-
second action, she would have been distracted and unable to truly relax and
enjoy the next hour of dinner. Even though she acknowledged that Bob was
almost certainly correct that the kids couldn’t engage the fire-starter, the window
would have been open and bugging her.
If she hadn’t been encouraged to “close that window,” she would
have been unable to relax and enjoy dinner.
I hope you see all sorts of ramifications of this female wiring. It explains:
• Why she seems preoccupied by “little things”—even if you tell her to just
ignore them.
• Why she seems to have been “stewing” over an argument—or seems (to
your male mind) to feel overly insecure about a disagreement you’d
already dismissed or forgotten.
• Why she might be too tired or upset for sex. One woman put it this way:
“Try to understand—we’re carrying around a lot that we need to get out
of our heads before we can really even feel like sex.”
I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need my head to feel like sex.
Sequential Strategies for Sequential Minds
What’s the average taken-aback man to do?
The good news of this chapter, and this book, is that a little understanding can
go a very long way. Based on our research—and on my personal experience—I
recommend three positive responses:
1. Rethink your assumptions about how she thinks.
For example, consider: Maybe she’s not trying to hassle you by wanting to talk
about fourteen things as soon as you come through the door after work. She
really does have fourteen files open and running. And she can’t just “not think
about something” that may be unresolved from the morning.
Also, if she brings up old wounds, she may not be holding on to a grudge, but
actually trying to process through it so she can resolve it, close the window, and
let it go.
She may not be holding on to a grudge, but actually trying to
process through it so she can let it go.
In any of these cases, you can help by letting her—actually encouraging her—
to process these things the way she probably needs to: by talking it through and
having you listen (see chapter 5 on listening). (Note to self: If I’m smart, I’ll ask
what her day was like well before bedtime.)
2. Realize you may not be the issue, even though you’re
affected by the issue.
Well, okay, it’s possible you’re the problem. But more likely, now that you’re
aware of all the traffic streaming through her consciousness, you can see why
you shouldn’t just jump to the usual conclusion of, Uh-oh, she thinks I did
something wrong again.
(Pointer from Shaunti—If you’re not sure whether you’re the problem, or
whether you just happen to be around when the problem comes up, ask.
Something like, “Sweetheart, did I do something wrong, or are you upset about
something else?”)
3. Be her hero and help her clear those distracting or
painful windows so they don’t keep coming back.
Most important, remember that because it’s harder for her to just push something
out of her mind, there’s more of a risk that she’ll be living in a marginally
unhappy state for hours or days if something is wrong. Thankfully, you can have
an important part in resolving it.
Let’s say a pop-up of some old hurt has arisen involuntarily, and she’s having
trouble closing it. Maybe she’s unable to get a conflict with her boss off her
mind or an old hurt from something you said has risen up in her head. Now’s the
time to step up and give her a listening ear, a hug, or the reassurance she needs
(see chapter 2 for how to reassure her) so she can resolve it in her mind.
Realize the futility of telling her, “Just don’t think about it,” and encourage
her if she needs to take some action to close the window.
Even better, take some action yourself. Get up from the dinner table, go get
her the fire-starter, and say, “I wanted to be sure you could enjoy dinner without
worrying.”
Be one of the few, the proud, the in-the-know heroes.
Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with you so much
that she will endure financial insecurity to get it
It happened the minute I decided that Shaunti was the woman I wanted to marry.
As soon as I thought about popping the question and accelerating our
relationship into high gear…I stalled.
Most guys I’ve talked to can relate. All my forward momentum vanished as
anxiety stopped me in my tracks. The issue wasn’t her or how much I loved her
or what I really wanted to happen between us—and soon.
The issue was money. It suddenly hit home: “How will I take care of a wife
and provide for her financially?” I didn’t know much about relationship stuff,
but I knew one thing: Women want security.
I knew one thing: Women want security.
I grew up in a small farming community in Michigan and had known plenty of
financial struggles in my life. After high school I scraped by in the restaurant
business for seven years before I went to college. But Shaunti was from the
upper-middle-class suburbs of Washington, DC, and hadn’t experienced similar
struggles. I was concerned about what she would consider a “normal” standard
of living and whether I could provide it. So I waited. With that in mind, when I
graduated from law school, I took a job with a big New York law firm that
included a very good salary.
Finally, I figured, I could provide. So we got married and moved into a
doorman building in the heart of Manhattan. In New York, doorman buildings
are common but pricey. But Shaunti preferred one because it made her feel more
secure, she said.
Aha! I thought, confident in my manly insight into her needs. Even if I might
have preferred a different job, I’m doing what men do. I’m providing security for
my wife.
Then I proceeded to work eighty-hour weeks for the next five years to pay for
it all. During that time, whenever Shaunti said that I was choosing work over her
or that I didn’t care about her needs, I experienced a strong and predictable
reaction—I got upset. How can she accuse me of not caring about her when I am
busting my tail to prove exactly that!
Recently, when I asked a friend what he thought it meant that “women want
security,” he described a common male dilemma: “It means I can’t ever stop
running,” he said. “I need to do whatever I have to do to ensure that she doesn’t
feel financially insecure. And if it means that I have to work really long hours, or
stick with a job that I don’t like all that much, so be it.”
Perhaps you, too, have felt caught between a rock and a hard place, knowing
that your wife wants you to provide a nice life for her and the kids, but she also
wants you home by dinner. Impossible financial expectations on her part?
Maybe, but probably not. As you’ll see in this chapter, men may be really
frustrated by what they think their wives expect—but their wives may have no
such expectations. In our case it turns out the doorman building in Manhattan
wasn’t nearly as important as I’d thought.
Money Talks, but “Emotional Security” Sings
Our research shows that yes, women want security. But they mean something
very different by it than we do. When a woman thinks of “security,” her primary
thought is not about a house, a savings account, or tuition for the kids. For her,
“emotional security” matters most: feeling emotionally connected and close to
you, and knowing that you are there for her no matter what. Sure, providing
financially is appreciated, but for most women it’s nowhere near the top of their
list.
When a woman thinks of “security,” her primary thought is not
about a house, a savings account, or tuition for the kids.
In fact, as one woman told us: “It’s not even on the same list! Feeling secure
and close in the relationship is so much more important, it’s not even part of the
same discussion as work or money.”
Forgive my confusion. Yes, I heard Shaunti say she wanted more of me. But I
also heard her say that she wanted the doorman building. I assumed that she was
choosing financial security over a saner and more enjoyable career for me. Her
insistence that she wanted to make changes so I could be around struck me as
appreciative gestures aimed at making me feel less pressured.
But now I realize—a little late—that she actually meant it.
On the survey, seven out of ten married women said that if they had to, they
would rather endure financial struggles than distance in the relationship.
Why don’t you read that again. I know we find it impossible, but it’s true: 70
percent of married women would prefer to be financially insecure than endure a
lack of closeness with their husbands.
In fact, even single women showed the same preference. And women who
described themselves as struggling financially were even more likely to prefer
emotional security!
If you had to choose between these two bad choices, would
you rather endure: [Choose One Answer]
Among married women:
The problem here is that what seems blazingly obvious to women is barely
visible for most men—or men simply don’t believe it. A few months back, a
male pastor was interviewing Shaunti onstage in front of a large group of
twenty-something singles. At one point, Shaunti decided to test our emerging
hypothesis on this issue, turned to the women in the audience, and asked our
survey question: “If you had to choose, would you rather endure financial
struggles, or would you rather endure struggles arising from insecurity or a lack
of closeness in your relationship?”
Nearly every female hand went up for the “I’d rather endure financial
struggles” option.
Shaunti used that demonstration as a launching point and began outlining for
the women how men think about providing. But after a few moments, the
moderator interrupted.
“I’m so sorry, Shaunti,” he said, clearly flustered. “Could we back up a bit?
I’m still so…shocked by what I just witnessed that I’m not hearing a word
you’re saying!” Much to the women’s astonishment, men around the arena were
nodding in agreement.
Women, you see, have an incredibly hard time believing that we think that
they think financial security would ever be so important. As one woman asked in
a focus group, “How could any man ever think we’d choose money over him?”
Another said: “So in essence you guys are thinking that we are materialistic—
really, really materialistic—and that we’d choose things over your happiness?!”
Uh…yeah. I guess that is what we’re saying. But apparently, we’re wrong.
And for once, being wrong is very good news. Not only does the woman in your
life care far more about you than anything you could provide, she’s willing to
sacrifice financially to have more of you and more happiness for you.
The Inner Life of Mr. Provider
Are you still skeptical? One reason this is so hard for us to accept may have
nothing to do with a woman’s wiring, but with ours. Shaunti’s research among
men for For Women Only demonstrated that three quarters of all men are
“always” or “often” conscious of their burden to provide—and most of us
wouldn’t have it any other way.
Guys can’t just demote work to some corner of our life. What we do defines
us. Most days, it is us. That means our sense of self-worth—and a lot of other
feelings—is all wrapped up in it. For example, working toward our family’s
financial security is an important way we show our love. It’s not a big jump to
then think, “Longer hours = more love.” And we assume the woman we love
knows it!
The problem, I found, is that she doesn’t know it.
In fact, since what she wants is your time and attention (which creates
emotional security), if you appear to give more time and attention to work, it
appears that you are making work your priority. To her, that means that she is
not your priority. That choice leaves her feeling distanced and unloved by you.
Even if the main reason you’re busting your tail is to show her your love.
Thankfully, there’s a solution to this dilemma. To begin with, if security
doesn’t really mean what we thought it did, let’s more closely redefine what
security does mean to our wives.
Let’s define what “emotional security” means to our wives.
What Security Means to Her
Since most guys would never even think to put “emotional” and “security”
together in the same sentence, what does such a foreign concept look like in
practical terms? Here’s what we learned:
1) She feels that the two of you are close;
2) She sees that you make time together a priority;
3) She sees your commitment to her;
4) She sees that you are active in the life of the home; and even,
5) She sees you making an effort to provide (as long as that doesn’t crowd
out 1–4).
Let’s briefly outline each.
1. She feels secure when you two feel close.
Creating a sense of closeness between the two of you is more important than
anything else—to a woman, it is almost a synonym for emotional security. And I
was encouraged to see that it was so easy.
For us guys, money in the bank helps us feel safe and successful. But for
women, the currency that counts is more likely to be a strong sense of closeness
or intimacy with their man. In other words, your wife wants to be your love and
your best friend…to know that she is yours and you are hers.
For women, the currency that counts is a strong sense of
closeness or intimacy with their man.
And here’s the surprise for us guys: Living in the same house and even having
sex doesn’t necessarily mean that she feels close to you. Most married guys I
know just assume a level of closeness. We share a house and a bed…how could
we not be close?
But for our wives, proximity and sex do not equal closeness. Consider the
following exchange from one focus group when we asked how women felt when
men traveled away from home:
Q: Is the only cure for loneliness for him to be there?
A: Not necessarily. And anyway, it’s very easy to be lonely when he is
physically there.
So what builds closeness?
So what does create a sense of closeness? Much of it is the little things that come
along with being each other’s 1) love and 2) best friend.
1) It means that she feels you belong to and love each other. Even small
little gestures convey love and build closeness in a way I never would have
thought. And they are so doable. Shaunti puts it this way:
It’s not that the little things somehow make a difference. It’s that the little
things are the difference between feeling secure and loved, or not. The
big things—some big romantic dinner for example—don’t do that as
much. They are wonderful, once in a while. But they don’t come close to
building the same feeling of being loved that comes from when you reach
for my hand in a parking lot, or leave me a silly voice mail calling me a
special nickname that’s just between us.
And here’s the thing, guys: I didn’t used to do those things that much. But
once I discovered that the little things were that important—well, heck: Those I
can do!
Every woman will be touched by different little things. But let me give you an
example that proves this is not rocket science. In one focus group, we were
talking about what makes women feel loved, when to my surprise Shaunti began
describing a recent incident. She and I had been walking through a parking lot,
and I put my hand on the small of her back to steer her through some rows of
cars.
Hearing that, every other woman in the room put her hand to her heart or
clasped her hands together, and sighed. “Awwwww…” “Oh, that’s so sweet.”
“What a good guy.” The other man in the room and I looked at each other in
utter shock. Especially since at the time I’d been worried that Shaunti might get
mad at me for “telling her what to do”—since that would have been my reaction
in a similar situation!
“The little things are the difference between feeling secure and
loved, or not.”
2) It means that she feels you two are best friends. Being close doesn’t
mean that you are her best girl friend—expected to talk for hours—but it
does mean that you two know each other better than anyone else.
As one woman put it: “My sense of security with my husband doesn’t
just come from expressing my emotions, but from knowing his.” Another
said, “I don’t think he understands how desperately I want to be known.
He’s a wonderful husband, godly, attentive, but I really want him to be
more interested in who I really am.”
2. She feels secure when you make time together a
priority.
As you might imagine, another thing that makes her feel secure is knowing that
after God, she’s your priority. Knowing that she and the kids come before your
job and that you care for her first even if you feel your job is what you do to care
for your family. One representative wife put it like this: “We can have plenty of
money stored away and be very secure financially, but if I’m not secure about
whether I’m a priority for my husband, all that money doesn’t mean much. But
on the other hand, if I know that he is there for me, I can face any struggles
financially.”
“If I know that he is there for me, I can face any struggles
financially.”
For us nuance-challenged men, here’s a simplified summary of what “being a
priority” usually means to her: It is the amount of time and attention you give
her outside of traditional work hours (meaning, outside forty or fifty hours a
week) compared to anything else. Since there are only a limited number of
possible “together” hours in a day, she views every above-the-norm hour spent
on your work or outside interests as coming directly from the few hours she
expected to spend with you.
A wife does not expect her husband to spend every off-the-job hour with her.
But to feel emotionally secure, she can’t feel that he’s consistently choosing
other time priorities over her. As one woman said:
My husband is a very good provider, dearly loves his family, and says I
complete him in every way. But he rarely seems willing to spend one-onone time with me or to share my life, yet he always has time for the guys. I
know he also needs his friends, but this lack of me in his day-to-day life is
causing a big drift in our marriage.
3. She feels secure when you demonstrate your
commitment.
Your wife needs to feel in the core of her being that nothing will scare you away
and that you will do whatever you need to do to ensure that nothing comes
between the two of you.
One woman put it perfectly: “I need to know that he will be there for me, no
matter what. We have a good relationship, but I still need to know that he’s not
going anywhere—physically or emotionally.”
One simple way to demonstrate this commitment is to use the examples of
reassurance after conflict that we talked about in chapter 2.
4. She feels secure when you are active in parenting and
the life of the home.
Women feel secure when they see their husband choosing to be an active
participant in the life of the home, even if it means reworking other priorities.
Unfortunately, if a man isn’t careful, his laudable drive to provide may prevent
him from taking that active role in the life the couple set out to enjoy together.
Some wives felt like they started out as a general partner with their husbands,
but somewhere along the way wound up as a sole proprietor.
One wife said:
While we’re not wealthy, we have some good funds saved up. But my
husband seems to feel like we’re always on the verge of a problem, so he
has to always get that extra client, that extra paycheck, even if it means
being locked in his home office all night after dinner, with no time to play
with the kids. Will he ever feel that we have “enough”? I appreciate having
that cushion—but not when it hurts us.
Another, by contrast, explained why she felt so secure:
My husband is working hard, but I’m so grateful that he also recognizes
that kids need a dad’s presence as much as they need a mom’s. So many of
my friends are frustrated that they have to ask their husband to “babysit,” as
if the kids aren’t his kids, too. My husband is so wonderful about
recognizing that yes, he’s tired, but so am I. And the fact that he’ll play
with the kids or manage the dishes really gives me the sense that we’re all
in this together.
Further, quite a few busy moms told us that simply being appreciated by their
husbands also helped them feel very secure. Any hard-working guy can
understand the security that comes from feeling appreciated.
Any hard-working guy can understand the security that comes
from feeling appreciated.
5. She feels secure when you do make an effort to provide.
Lastly, after all this discussion of finances not being her top priority, you should
know that the effort you make to provide for your family does add to a sense of
emotional security—even if the results aren’t bringing in the amount of money
you assumed she wanted. Where guys focus on the results, our wife focuses on
the effort—and the effort does make her feel loved as long as it doesn’t crowd
out the other elements of emotional security.
The women we talked to agreed that in the choice between financial insecurity
and emotional insecurity, it’s not that they would enjoy financial struggles. But
they would prefer to endure them if they could get more of you. As one woman
said, “Financial struggles, by definition, are difficult. But if I had to, I’d rather
have them, than lose him.”
“Financial struggles, by definition, are difficult. But if I had to, I’d
rather have them, than lose him.”
Obviously, in all of this, we need to find a balance. You are designed to want
to provide for your family, and women do appreciate that. None of us would
want to use these “emotional security” findings as an excuse to quit our jobs, sit
on the couch for hours, and eat Cheetos. Not that there is anything wrong with
Cheetos—but all things in moderation.
They Want Us to Be Happy
One of our most encouraging findings was that even though women truly wanted
their husband to have a job where he worked less in order to have more of his
time, they also wanted their husband to have a job where he worked less so that
he could enjoy life more. A great deal of a woman’s stress and insecurity comes
from knowing that her husband is working long hours at a job that causes him
stress just to provide a certain level of income. If there was another option, most
women would choose a lower-stress, lower-income job that he’d enjoy, even if it
meant going through financial insecurity.
On our survey, we asked women to choose between two different job
scenarios. As before, 70 percent of the women said they’d rather their husband
take a lower-paying job that would require financial sacrifices if it allowed more
family time. And even more fascinating, the number rises to 89 percent if they
felt you wanted to make that choice (adding in those women who were
“neutral”)!
And encouragingly, even though women want emotional security and
closeness, we could find none who would want their husband to take a “familyfriendly” job that would make him unfulfilled or unhappy in his work life. They
knew there was no emotional security in that “solution.” As one wife put it,
“Then I would just have a depressed man on my hands, and that would defeat the
purpose!”
Put yourself in this scenario: Your husband/significant
other has a very well-paying job that requires a lot of hours
and emotional attention away from home. You enjoy a
comfortable lifestyle and all the enrichment opportunities
for the kids that come with it, but you and the children often
do feel distant from your husband/significant other, and
when you two are together there is often discord. Now
suppose that your husband/significant other was offered a
different job that he’d enjoy, that would allow much more
time with family—but it would also mean a substantial pay
cut and some lifestyle adjustments for your family. Which
best describes your likely feelings in this scenario?
[Choose One Answer]
Rethinking Our Provider/Protector Assumptions
This whole topic boils down to asking ourselves—and asking our wives—one
question: Am I providing the type of security she genuinely wants and needs?
One friend put his finger on the crux of the difficulty for many of us. “Men
focus on income and possessions because it is so much easier to measure success
in numbers. ‘Loving attention’ is much more difficult for us to quantify.”
I started this chapter with the comment that we men often feel caught between
a rock and a hard place. But we’ve now heard from hundreds of women that
while there may be a rock on one side—her absolute need for emotional security
—there is no “hard place” of absolute financial desire on the other. It’s more like
a “soft place,” since for most women all the money and things aren’t nearly the
priority that you are. Shaunti didn’t want more of me and the doorman building.
She wanted more of me, period. And when I finally got that through my head—
five years later—we moved away from New York and to a more family-friendly
life in Atlanta.
And if you suspect that perhaps your wife has been trying to say the same
thing…have a talk. You might be surprised at what you hear.
For most women all the money and things aren’t nearly the
priority that you are.
What Matters: Happy Dad
We all instinctively know that as our children grow up and leave the home, as
we and our wives age together, the best memories will not center around the cool
things that we bought or the size of the house. Invariably, the measure of success
will be something much simpler and closer to home—the life that we shared on a
daily basis.
A woman who grew up in a large family in Flint, Michigan—one of those
gritty, industrial cities of the Midwest—described how more “providing” by her
father had not turned out to be a better life for any of them:
When we were little, we lived in a small house right in the city. The
neighborhood wasn’t great, but I loved my life. And my dad was a happy
dad. When he was home from work, we’d all play. He was so much fun to
be around.
When I was eleven, my dad wanted to provide a better future for us. And
rather than just picking another house and moving out of the city, he
decided to have a special home built. Since we didn’t have tons of money,
he knew he’d have to do a lot of the work himself. He said we were worth
it.
Unfortunately, he didn’t realize what all the extra stress and pressure
would do—not just to him, but to us. The stress of juggling everything
began to wear my dad down. We lost happy dad, and instead found grumpy
dad. He stopped playing with us so much, and he was just on edge a lot, not
relaxed and fun.
I now know that he was sacrificing himself to provide a better future for
us kids, but we wanted him much more than we wanted the new house or
better schools. We just wanted happy dad back.
She says that if the kids or her mom had been given the choice of the little
home in Flint with happy dad or the bigger country home with grumpy dad, it
would have been no contest. They all would have chosen happy dad.
“We just wanted happy dad back.”
A Personal Journey Closer to Home
Every guy I know who works hard does it at least in part because he believes
he’s doing what is best for the family. Providing for our family is commendable
and a biblical injunction. But we must be willing to ask ourselves whether we
are delivering what our family genuinely needs, or whether we’ve somewhere
bought into some internal or cultural assumptions that might actually be
sabotaging what matters most. If so, some adjustments are probably in order.
I realize, looking back, that my own dad did make those adjustments. My dad
worked long hours in the real estate business—which in the 1970s was often
unstable—but when he came home and there was still some daylight left, we
always threw the football around. Or he would hit fly balls to my brothers and
me in the empty field beside our house. Good times.
We always had a roof over our heads and three meals a day, but I do
remember feeling the stress of belt-tightening measures during times when no
commissions came in. But here’s the thing: Despite the pressures, and despite
knowing that we didn’t have some of the things that other kids had, because of
my dad’s presence in our lives I have only amazing memories of my childhood.
Not a single memory centers on what we lacked, but on the things we did
together.
Because of my dad’s presence in our lives, not a single memory
centers on what we lacked, but on what we did together.
Of course, cutting back financially to improve real quality of life does
introduce its own stresses. Shaunti and I can attest to that. For the past five years,
I’ve struggled to keep a start-up technology company alive while developing a
part-time legal practice—all from a home office. Many months, we didn’t know
how we were going to pay the mortgage until right before it was due. Yes, that is
stressful!
But we have managed, we’ve seen the truth that God always provides, and our
family relationships are stronger than they’ve ever been. In fact, during one
particularly tough financial season, Shaunti actually got alarmed when I floated
the idea of going back to a big law firm! And, honestly, I wouldn’t trade the time
that I’ve been able to spend with Shaunti and the kids for any high-paying law
firm job on the planet.
When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and her desire
to be heard are much more important than the problem itself
Not long ago, Shaunti and I were cleaning up after dinner when I noticed that
she seemed down. She had been working long hours on several projects, so I
knew she was tired. She’d also just found out that a hoped-for invitation to talk
about For Women Only on CNN the next day had fallen through.
Supersensitive guy that I am, I probably would have stayed quiet and given
her the space to work through it. But my recent work on mapping the female
mind set me up to try something else. She doesn’t need space, I realized. She
needs to talk. So I paused, dish in hand, and asked if she was okay.
She doesn’t need space, I realized. She needs to talk.
She sighed. “I’m just a little bummed about CNN,” she said. “I know how
networks work. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.”
When I asked if she knew why it fell through, she shook her head. “Not really.
They said everyone loved the topic, but when they got to the production
meeting, some segments had to be cut. Nothing personal.”
Since I really wanted to cheer her up, I decided the time was perfect to give
Shaunti one of my best count-your-blessings pep talks. “But wow, think about
what an amazing opportunity it is to even be in a position to be considered by
CNN,” I said.
“I know, but—”
“And think about what a blessing it is to be on other radio and TV all the time,
to be able to share this message and save marriages.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same as CNN.”
“Oh, I don’t know. You had five million viewers on that Hollywood talk show
last month.” I smiled. “That’s a lot of people.”
To my surprise, my reasonable, well-adjusted wife suddenly got angry. “I’m
trying to tell you something, and you’re acting like you don’t even care!” She
stood up from the table and seemed to be fighting back tears.
“Huh?” She’d really caught me off guard.
My mind started whirring. You gotta be kidding me! I thought. You think I
don’t care? What do you think I’ve been trying to show you? That’s the last time
I try to encourage you! But, of course, I didn’t say any of that. Instead I muttered
two tried-and-true gems: “Okay, fine.” Then I shut down and went to see what
was on TV.
Does this little scenario strike you as familiar? Here’s the sequence again:
1. She seems to need a listening ear.
2. You care, so you say “What’s up?”
3. She reveals what’s bugging her.
4. You care, so you try to help.
5. She reacts with, “Obviously, you don’t care!”
Later, Shaunti and I both apologized. And later still, we were able to identify
the problem in our scenario: Apparently, what I thought was listening and
caring, wasn’t. Of course, I was listening—using my ears, my brains, my
stunningly good intentions. Really. Trouble is, it just wasn’t happening in the
way that felt like listening and caring to my wife.
Apparently, what I thought was listening and caring, wasn’t.
Now that I’ve seen the massive response to this issue from women around the
country, I believe that learning to listen in the way women need is a huge
missing-in-action skill for most guys. If you’re at all like me, the issue is
complicated by more bad news—you already think you listen well. Heck, you
think you’re a listening machine, a real superman of sympathy! Most men do. I
did.
Chances are, though, we’re not.
But there’s good news. Men might be broke down on this issue, but we’re also
just a few steps away from listening habits that actually work. Which is what
this chapter will show you.
Whether it’s with your girlfriend or your wife, listening to her so she actually
feels listened to will pay immediate dividends in a deeper, stronger, more
rewarding relationship. Why? Because smart listening tells a woman louder than
almost anything else that she is known, cared for, and loved. It’s probably not
too far off to state that smart listening has more power in her life and heart than
—get this—all the things guys do first and best. Like analyzing, rescuing,
deciding, doing, helping—or fixing the problem.
Listening to her so she actually feels listened to will pay
immediate dividends in a stronger, more rewarding relationship.
“She doesn’t want you to fix it.”
We’ve all heard, “She doesn’t want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen.”
But even though that phrase is accurate (according to all our interviews), most
guys have no idea what it means or how to do it.
I’ll explain how in a minute, but first, here’s what it means. Three things:
• She doesn’t want you to fix it = she doesn’t actually want or need your
solution to the problem, at least at the beginning.
• She just wants you to listen = she does want and need you to understand
how she’s feeling about the problem.
• “It” = an emotional problem. This listening rule does not apply to
technical conundrums.
Let’s take these one at a time.
“She doesn’t want you to fix it” = she doesn’t need you to
fix it.
In case you’re wondering, this doesn’t mean “She doesn’t need you to do
nothing.” More on that later. Instead, the key is to understand why she’s sharing
something. And it’s not—as we think—because she needs our help. In fact, our
women usually feel quite capable of solving problems without any help from
manly men like us. That’s not what they are looking for—at least at first. Look
at the results from the survey.
Even if a man provided a very “reasonable” solution to the problem under
discussion, just 5 percent of women said that would actually solve their problem.
Add it up, guys. 95 percent of women feel that a reasonable solution would not
solve their problem.
What’s more, fully 60 percent of the women felt the offered solution—no
matter how reasonable—was a negative. Some appreciated their man’s
suggestion, some didn’t, but the majority felt that it detracted from the sense that
he was listening and being supportive.
To see why that is, we turn to the second and most important principle.
Suppose you had a fairly serious conflict with someone
important to you, and have been dealing with strong
emotions about it all day. That evening, you start to tell
your husband/significant other what happened and how
you feel about it. After listening for a little bit, he jumps in
with a reasonable suggestion for fixing the problem. How is
this most likely to make you feel? [Choose One Answer]
“She just wants you to listen” = she wants you to focus on
her feelings, not the problem.
She’s not sharing something so you can fix it; she’s sharing it so you can
understand how she feels about something that is bothering her.
Here’s the thing: For most of our lives, we men have trained ourselves to cut
through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” Instead, we
need to grasp the single most important key to being a good listener: For our
wife, her negative feelings about a problem are the real issue. In other words, the
feelings are what she is trying most to share and have understood, even more
than the problem itself.
We have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion
in order to focus on the “real issue.” But for her, those feelings
are the real issue.
Her need to get her feelings heard explains something that has confused many
of us: If she doesn’t want me to fix it, we wonder, why does she keep talking
about it? Look at these revealing comments from women:
• “Most men feel they have to fix areas of concern for the wife and family.
But when he jumps in before I am finished, he proves he isn’t interested
in listening to something that is important to me. This leaves me feeling
devalued.”
• “A few days ago, I was telling my husband about a long-standing
relationship tension I have with someone. It was so sweet that he just
listened, showed me his concern and said, ‘I don’t know if it’s going to
get better, honey.’ I felt so heard.”
• “Just being able to share what’s going on actually fixes something for a
woman!”
“Just being able to share what’s going on actually fixes
something for a woman!”
“It” = an emotional problem, not a technical one.
The “she doesn’t want you to fix it” mantra has confused many of us because we
know some situations require a fix. So here’s how you know the difference: If
it’s an area of emotional concern, apply listening skills. If it’s not, apply fixing
skills.
Apply listening skills to areas that define a woman’s relationships, well-being,
and sense of self-worth. Home stresses, for example. Work. Friendships.
Conflicts.
You.
This simply doesn’t apply to those times when your wife tells you something
is starting to howl under the gear shift in her Toyota and what should we do? In
such cases, you can safely put away your gender translation gear. You can even
forget her feelings—as in, “Honey, how does that make you feel when the
transmission does that?” Just go male and fix away to your heart’s content—as
in, “I’ll take it in to the shop tomorrow.”
For any man who wants to be a good listener, the good news is that we don’t
have to shut off our “Mr. Fix-it” nature. We just have to apply those skills to the
right problem. This kind of response may feel more like not responding at first.
More like failure or weakness or not caring. But it’s genius—and even
relationship klutzes can figure it out.
Just like we did running the bases back in school.
We just have to apply those fix-it skills to the right problem.
How to Listen (Think Baseball)
It’s true; when life gets confusing, I turn to baseball. The elegance of the game.
The history. The lazy afternoons in the outfield bleachers. The ’84 Tigers.
(Yeah, it’s been a tough couple of decades for me.)
You know I’m right. Baseball explains almost everything.
So okay, here’s my guide to running the listening bases. I doubt base running
is how marriage counselors define good listening, but it works, it’s supported by
the evidence, and it’s a plan I can remember.
• First Base: Give her your full physical attention.
• Second Base: Give her your full mental attention.
• Third Base: Listen for the right thing—how she feels about the problem.
• Home Plate: Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.
Now you probably think you already know and do all these things. But let’s
take the bases one by one, adding what most men think they mean.
Rounding First
Give her your full physical attention.
(What most men think: “I can listen well even if I’m doing something else.”)
Seems like men easily confuse listening with hearing. Our definition of listening
might be something like: “She’s talking, and I’m hearing what she’s saying,
therefore I’m listening.”
Even if I’m watching American Chopper at the same time.
But that’s treating a person like a signal source. And if you think about it,
that’s what inattention tells the other person—“You’re making noise, and you’re
one among several data inputs I’m processing at this moment.”
To move from simply hearing to genuinely receiving what another person is
saying, we have to take our attention off every other distraction and put it on her.
More than likely, that means facing her, looking at her, staying in the same room
as her. It may also mean running interference when other distractions threaten.
For example, a year later, Shaunti can still remember a simple physical
gesture I did when she really needed to talk and the kids kept interrupting. I
asked the kids to play elsewhere for a minute, pulled her into the living room, sat
down with her on the sofa, and asked her to share what was on her mind. Those
two or three minutes were an incredibly good investment if they still make her
feel loved a year later! And I have to confess: I have absolutely no memory of
this event. Not because I do this all the time, but rather because it took so little
time or effort!
If physical listening just doesn’t seem possible, I’ve found it’s better to fess up
to the challenge. Ask for a rain check. Suggest, “Could we talk about this later
when we can be alone (when I’m not so tired)? I want to be able to really hear
you, and honestly, I can’t now.”
Those two or three minutes were an incredibly good investment
if they still make her feel loved a year later!
Rounding Second
Give her your full mental attention.
(What most men think: “If I’m listening, I’m not doing anything.”)
When Shaunti and I were living in New York City, one of our friends was an
acoustic engineer who designed opera houses. He seemed like the perfect
candidate for the old question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to
hear it, does it make a sound?”
He answered quite seriously. “No, it doesn’t. It makes a noise, but sound has
to be perceived. The sound waves have to be listened to in order for the noise to
be a sound. Just them hitting a tree stump or a rock doesn’t count.”
We can apply the same idea to listening. If we’re just sitting there, not actually
paying attention to what our wife is saying, we might as well be a stump.
Listening isn’t “I’ll sit here and let her bombard me.” It is an active practice of
identifying her feelings, considering what’s she’s really saying, and listening for
the story behind the story.
That’s why listening isn’t the same thing as “doing nothing.” And that’s why
real listening can really wear a guy out. Because most women don’t have an
emotional and even physical limit on their ability to listen and process emotion,
they don’t understand that most men do. They don’t realize it is almost a
physical limitation, like the mental equivalent of cardiovascular capacity.
I can be totally willing to listen to Shaunti share her feelings about something.
But just like my body would shut down if I tried to run too many miles, my brain
just starts checking out after a while, whether or not I want it to.
The key is to set yourself up for success by mentioning this to your wife or
girlfriend at some neutral time. Use this book, point to this section, and explain
the limits of your particular listening capacity. Then, when you are in an
emotionally charged conversation for a little too long and you start to zone out,
you can tell her, “I’m so sorry, I totally missed that. I’m reaching the end of my
ability to hear.” Blame it on you—not her.
Finally, realize that “listening” doesn’t usually mean a marathon. As one male
marriage counselor told us, “Guys need to know that their wives aren’t looking
to them to be their best girlfriend and listen for hours. For most women, even
taking a fifteen-minute walk with them a few evenings a week would totally fill
their need.”
“Listening” doesn’t usually mean a marathon.
Rounding Third
Listen for the right thing—how she feels about the problem.
(What most men think: “I should filter out all that emotion and listen for the
facts.”)
If you want to make it home, you have to round third base. As we said earlier,
when men are faced with a problem with emotional dimensions, we turn task
oriented. Put emotions in one box, objective circumstances in another, then
ignore the emotion box in order to nail a solution.
But this sets us up for big trouble. We’re busy trying to filter out a wife’s
feelings because we think they get in the way of solving the real problem—
instead of holding the key to the real problem. We think that she’s getting “too
emotional” and it is clouding her thinking—never realizing that for most women,
not only are their feelings the main point, but they’re probably also perfectly
capable of analytical thought and strong emotions at the same time. They just
need to have their feelings listened to in order to “get somewhere.”
So in order to listen in the way she needs, we have to do what does not come
naturally and—at least at first—not present a solution. We have to retrain
ourselves to do something that will initially seem even weirder. Instead of
filtering out her feelings to concentrate on the problem, we need to practice
filtering out the problem so we can concentrate on her feelings about it.
We need to practice filtering out the problem so we can
concentrate on her feelings about it.
In the CNN example, Shaunti didn’t need a pep talk, and she didn’t need my
stellar business advice about how to approach CNN in a new way. All those
things had already occurred to her. What she needed was a hug, and for me to
hear and acknowledge her feelings. As in, “I’m so sorry—I know you were
excited about being on CNN and you must be really disappointed.”
If you are ever confused about what the situation requires, women suggested
that a guy just ask. “Sweetheart, do you want my help, or do you just want me to
listen?” (And then remember that what you need to listen to are her feelings.)
Safe at Home
Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.
(What most men think: “If she could just learn not to let her feelings control
her, she’d be happier.”)
Now you know: She deeply needs to know that you understand how she’s
feeling. But put yourself in her shoes: She has absolutely no idea if you do
understand unless you show it. Acknowledging to her what you’re hearing—a
simple verbal restatement of her words—is the magic bullet.
Thus, when I say to Shaunti, “That must have been so disappointing that CNN
didn’t come through,” my circle is complete. I’ve run the bases and solved her
real problem.
Shaunti tells me there are actually two types of acknowledgement, and both
are important.
1. Acknowledge what her feeling is: “You felt disappointed.”
But there’s more, and this is where guys tend to trip.
2. Affirm and sympathize with her feelings, even if you disagree with her
thoughts.
If acknowledging her feelings comes out as, “I’m sorry you felt disappointed,”
then affirming them means saying, “And it’s okay that you felt disappointed.” If
you think about it, there’s no such thing as a “right” or “wrong” feeling. We may
disagree with the accuracy of an assumption that leads to that feeling, but if
she’s feeling something, she’s feeling it. And it’s not helpful or even respectful
to try to talk her out of it.
Affirming her feelings means saying, “It’s okay that you felt
disappointed.”
Here’s what several female respondents told us on this point:
• “Trying to talk me out of my feelings doesn’t accomplish what he’s trying
to accomplish. In fact, it makes me feel absolutely terrible, like my
husband doesn’t care one jot about how I feel.”
• “Men don’t realize the value of affirming our feelings when they seem
irrational or out of proportion to them. If a man could just grasp the value
of that, he could cut arguments or long discussion times in half.”
Now, of course there may be a need at some point to talk things through if you
do disagree. But during a time of emotional sharing, it’s totally
counterproductive to say (even if we believe it), “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
WARNING: DON’T TRY THESE AT HOME!
“How not to listen.”
There’s nothing more dismaying to a guy than when he’s sincerely trying to
win (to be loving and helpful), but he only commits an error. She gets hurt
or angry or both. Suddenly, the man is the problem. Some collected
coaching advice: In the heat of an inning, never…
• tell her she’s overreacting,
• question her version of the facts,
• wonder aloud about the time of the month,
• ask her to quit crying, or
• offer spiritual correction (“Are you sure you’re not just envious?”)
Getting Personal
I’ll be the first to admit that when emotions start flying around, especially if the
conversation is about our relationship, I can quickly conclude that my wife is
attacking me. If Shaunti feels unhappy, I—like most men—I assume that she
thinks that I blew it.
But I’m realizing that, usually, a man’s performance isn’t even on his wife’s
mind. Instead, since most women process thoughts and feelings by talking about
them, they need to be able to get their feelings about the relationship out on the
table and have us listen. And the only way they can do that is if we don’t get
defensive and take it personally.
Consider what one survey taker said she most wished her husband knew:
That when I tell him how I feel inside about something concerning our
relationship, that I am just trying to share my feeling with him so we can
discuss it. He takes it as criticism and turns it around so I feel like the bad
guy for bringing it up. He says, “I never do anything right,” or “I can never
please you,” which isn’t true. And so the problem never really gets
discussed. I wish he could understand that it’s important for me to be able
to talk about these things and understand that I’m not just being critical.
When things get personal, we need to resist the natural male instinct to run for
cover, man the defenses, or—worst of all—reach for the big guns. Much better
to set aside our natural defensiveness and focus on listening well even though we
feel under attack. Because we’re probably not. Instead, it’s usually an important
opportunity to invest in our relationship and show her love in a way she will
really feel it.
It’s an opportunity to invest in our relationship and show her love
in a way she will really feel it.
Realize: She Does Appreciate You
If we get the listening sequence right, the right and healing solutions will follow.
We’ve already seen that 60 percent of the women on the survey found
suggestions to be a negative if their husbands weren’t listening first, and being
emotionally supportive. But next we asked, when the women set aside how they
felt about their man’s emotional support, how would they feel about his actual
suggestions? The response was overwhelming. More than two-thirds said they
were “helpful” suggestions—and we can infer that more than 80 percent actually
agreed with the suggested solution! Just 19 percent said that the solution itself
would not be a good one.
Consider times when you have actually been in the type of
situation described in the previous question. Setting aside
how you feel about your husband/significant other’s
emotional support, how useful or valuable are his actual
suggestions? [Choose One Answer]
Virtually all the data in this chapter point to one often-overlooked principle
for a man who wants a happy relationship: The person who listens well holds
enormous power.
If we can learn to listen the way she needs us to, we have great power to
defuse conflicting emotions, power to acknowledge and affirm—and yes, power
to then help find solutions.
Most of all though, when you and I listen, we wield great power to tell the
woman we care about most that she is truly loved. As one woman told us, “After
a great conversation I just want to kiss him and tell him how very, very much I
appreciate him.”
Physically, women tend to crave sex less often than men do—and it is
usually not related to your desirability
This chapter will be the ultimate test of your manhood.
I’m going to ask you to do two things, and do them at the same time:
1. Think clearly
2. About sex
I’ve noticed, and probably so have you, that what us men do so well as
separate tasks—clear thinking and sex—we routinely, embarrassingly, miserably
fail at doing together.
As I found out after I got a full dose of the honest truth from about 450
women in Colorado. There I was, the only guy, listening while Shaunti presented
what she’d learned about men while writing For Women Only. It was a weird
and wonderful experience.
And here was the wonderful part—at least at first. During a lively question
and answer session, almost all the questions focused on sex! I was so amazed at
the ladies’ one-track minds, I could barely listen to the questions. Back home in
Atlanta, my buddies and I were ecstatic at the idea that women really did want
sex more than we’d thought.
Fast forward to Jeff and Shaunti doing in-depth focus groups of women for
this book. I am over the weirdness by now, but unfortunately, the wonderful is
no longer in sight. Instead, what I’m hearing doesn’t jibe at all with the good
news I’d heard in the Rockies. Finally, I do my best to describe for these women
the absolute obsession with sex among their counterparts at higher elevations.
The women stare at me politely. Then one breaks the news. “Well, um, since
Shaunti’s book emphasized how central sex is to a man’s emotional well-being,
the women were probably wondering how to handle their man’s requests.”
Okay, I think to myself. Cool. Nothing wrong with that!
She sees that clear thinking has yet to occur. “And it was not because they
want sex so much,” she continues. “A lot of women don’t have that same need to
pursue sex as much as guys do. So they were simply trying to figure out what on
earth to do!”
In desperation, I shoot a questioning look at my wife. But Shaunti is already
nodding. “I’m afraid so,” she says. “That’s exactly what was happening.”
The Big, Whopping Miss
How could I—a smart, married, and extremely likable man—have completely
missed a full dose of the honest truth about sex from 450 women? And I hadn’t
just missed it. What I had thought I heard was almost the direct opposite of what
they were actually saying.
After spending hours going over surveys and listening to focus groups, I’ve
come to believe that my big, whopping miss is pretty much what men do in
marriages every day. We think male and female humans are the same creatures,
only with different and nicely matching body parts. We assume we have the
same sexual wiring. So when there seems to be a mismatch, we have no idea
why. As one of my puzzled buddies put it, “If sex is free and it’s fun, why does
she not want lots of free fun?”
“If sex is free and it’s fun, why does she not want lots of free
fun?”
Now, we do know that in some marriages it’s the woman who is pining for
more—one in four, according to our survey. So if you are in that situation, you
are not alone. And of course some wives indicated that they and their husbands
were happily on the same page—to the envy of all. But since we have limited
space, we’re focusing just on the apparent majority of husbands that want “more
and better,” and don’t know what to do about it.
*3
Thankfully, solutions exist, and our research confirms good news for men
who find themselves in that situation. In particular: Most women do care about
what their man wants. And they do care about sex. And they do want great
sexual relationships with their husband.
But to get there, we need to do that “thinking clearly” thing.
The Impossible Surprise About Sex with Her: “It’s
not you…”
If you’re a typical married male, you probably want more sex with your wife
than you get. But that’s not the end of the story. I know, because in Shaunti’s
professional survey for For Women Only, 97 percent of men said “getting
enough sex” wasn’t, by itself, enough—they wanted to feel genuinely wanted.
Men are powerfully driven by the emotional need to feel desired by our wives,
and we filter everything through that grid: Do I feel desired or not desired by my
wife? If we feel our wife truly wants us sexually, we feel confident, powerful,
alive, and loved. If we don’t, we feel depressed, angry, and alone. And this goes
way beyond the amount of sex we’re having.
But here’s where the first breakdown in communication comes between the
average husband and wife. Our surveys showed a startling, hard-to-believe, but
oddly encouraging truth for men:
While you want to be genuinely desired by your wife, her lower level of
desire for sex likely has nothing to do with your desirability.
You might want to read that again. And if you think about it, that’s actually
good news for the 99.9 percent of us who don’t look like Tom Cruise.
Here are the facts: Among survey takers who wanted less sex than their
husbands, fully 75 percent indicated that it had nothing to do with his
desirability, sexual prowess, or general studliness. In fact, of the remaining 25
percent, less than 4 percent said their lower interest in sex was specifically
because their husband was “not attractive or desirable”! (The hesitation of the
other 21 percent primarily had to do with not anticipating pleasure, including for
physical reasons.)
While you want to be genuinely desired by your wife, her lower
level of desire for sex likely has nothing to do with your
desirability.
One survey taker spoke for that whopping 96 percent of women when she said
that the one thing she most wished her husband knew was “that just because I do
not want sex as often as he does, I still love him deeply and find him very
attractive.”
Look on the next page at the top three reasons (by a wide margin) that women
gave for wanting less sex.
Our results show that although there certainly are factors that can be
addressed, the frequency gap is usually not because a wife doesn’t desire her
husband. In the great majority of cases, the cliché is actually true: “Look, it’s not
you. It’s me.”
Answered by women who said they wanted less sex than
their husbands.
*4
The frequency gap is usually not because a wife doesn’t desire
her husband.
If you’re still thinking clearly, your brain has ground to a halt on an apparent
impossibility: But I can’t imagine finding my wife very attractive, being in love
with her, and not wanting to have sex with her often! So how could she be that
way?
But remember, that’s guy thinking, and we’re trying to learn her thinking. For
the moment, take a step away from that seeming impossibility, and let your
driving question instead be:
“So if it’s not about me, what is it about?
“So if it’s not about me…?”: Five Truths About
Women and Sex
Shaunti and I want to relay what women around the country told us about their
sexual wiring, and what they want to give—and get—from their man. These five
revelations, should you choose to believe them, have the potential to radically
improve this area of your marriage.
Truth #1. She has a lower sex drive than you—and she’d
change that fact if she could.
Physiological fact #1: Experts explain that the average woman simply has less
testosterone and other sexually assertive hormones than the average man, and
therefore has less of an urge to pursue sex. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want
it, or won’t enjoy it once it’s happening, but just that seeking it out isn’t usually
on her mind.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it, or won’t enjoy it once it’s
happening, but seeking it out isn’t usually on her mind.
Most men know this fact, but—physiological fact #2—we forget it on a
regular basis. Like every evening. We forget because we can’t really feel the
truth of it, especially when she says or implies “no” the minute we show sexual
interest. Admit it—analysis of physiological differences is not where your mind
goes following another nonencounter.
So let’s step back and look at some implications of her physiology:
Lower level of sexually assertive hormones = less craving for sex
Not no craving, mind you, just less. It’s a fact, and we need to stop assuming
it has something to do with us.
As several experts explained, this is a complex issue, but it boils down to the
fact that there are actually two different types of desire. Where men have more
testosterone-type hormones linked to “assertive” sexual desire, women have
more estrogen, which is tied to what is called “receptive” sexual desire. Which
means that they tend to be available, but simply don’t have as much craving to
pursue it.
*5 And recent studies have shown that a common form of birth control
(the Pill) can reduce libido even further.
It doesn’t help that movies, television shows, and advertisements seem to
imply that all women would be sexually charged bimbo wannabes if you were
just enough of a stud.
On the survey, when we asked women what they most wished their husbands
understood, one wife put it this way, “I want him to know I don’t love him less
just because my sex drive isn’t as strong as his.”
Lower level of sexually assertive hormones = less likely to initiate
sex
As one book put it, “Receptive doesn’t necessarily mean passive [but]
available, and perhaps willing, but without the initiative….”
*6 Related to this, we
received a fascinating e-mail not long ago from a man whose wife had read
Shaunti’s book, For Women Only.
My wife then explained to me that she simply has no physical drive to
pursue sex. When we are having sex, she says that she loves it. The
problem is that otherwise, sex just never occurs to her whereas there is
never a time when it does not occur to me! Thankfully, after reading For
Women Only, my wife understood how important sex really is to me and
has even begun to initiate sex. She does it because she wants to show that
she loves me. It works…
In one focus group, a woman said this:
I just don’t feel that drive to go after physical pleasure as often. For me, it’s
about once every ten days that I’m the one looking for the physical
pleasure. The other times are because he needs it. And from my standpoint,
it’s time to be together, it’s uninterrupted time, it’s a way to have his
undivided attention. Not that it’s not physically great once we get started—
it is! It’s just that for me, there’s usually not the drive to start.
Lower level of sexually assertive hormones = more susceptibility to
nonsexual distractions
Like a noise from the kid’s room. Like a headache. Like stress or leftover
thoughts from her day. Like exhaustion.
She’s not making it up. In relation to her lower sex drive, she’s more sensitive
to hindrances, and feels them more intensely than you or I would. As one woman
said, “For guys, it seems, sex provides relief or escape from exhaustion. For
women, we have to pull ourselves out of exhaustion in order to want to have
sex.”
She’s more sensitive to hindrances, and feels them more
intensely than you or I would.
But there’s reassuring news, too. Not only is the woman in your life not
making up the hindrances to sex she experiences, she would readily change her
sexual responsiveness if she could. Look at the data:
(Answered by women who said they wanted less sex than
their husbands.)
If you could magically change your sex drive and/or some
of the reasons you don’t want sex as much as your
husband does, would you? [Choose One Answer]
You can see that more than eight out of ten wives would prefer to want sex as
much as their husbands…if they could. (And among happily married women,
that desire was almost 100 percent.)
Truth #2. She needs more warm-up time than you.
A guy’s sexual motor is pretty much always running. Pop the clutch and go. Not
so for a woman. But once her sexual motor is warmed up and running, she is fine
and raring to go, just like we are.
One respondent told us:
I wish my husband would understand that as much as I love to be intimate
with him, there are times when it takes a long time to “get me there.” I have
been busy running after kids all day, cleaning, cooking, etc. Sex also helps
me to unwind, but I need a little help. He seems to think that just because he
is ready and set, I should be too. He gets frustrated because I do not seem
like I am enjoying him, but if he would just take his time, we would both
enjoy the experience more.
Another woman provided a great word picture.
It’s not that I don’t want to make love, but at the end of a long day with
four kids, my mind is set on a course like a cruise ship headed for port…
port being that quiet bit of space a mom anticipates when the kids are
asleep, the chores done, and the house quiet. And just as I’m within sight of
that port, my hubby rolls over and says, “Whatcha doing over there?” It’s
not that I don’t want to be with him, but, mentally, it’s like trying to stop a
cruise ship that’s going full steam ahead and making it turn on a dime. I
can’t quite turn off the day and do an about-face in the blink of an eye like
he can.
Many other women echoed what one said she most wished her husband knew:
“How much I truly and deeply love him, but my body just doesn’t have the same
sexual drive as his until we are engaged in the act [emphasis mine]. Then I’m
very into it.”
The “very into it” part is great news. But to get there, what this means in
practice is one of two things. Either 1) she needs you to take it slow, to give her
brain a chance to catch up, or even better, 2) she needs some “anticipation time.”
Either she needs you to take it slow, or she needs some
“anticipation time.”
I know us guys think that if we were desirable enough, sex would just be
spontaneous because our wife couldn’t keep her hands off us. But remember—
her engine isn’t warmed up yet. Look at the “anticipation” example one woman
shared:
My husband and I don’t get too many nights alone, but we carved out a
dinner date one night, and while we were having dinner he whispered in my
ear, “I can’t wait to get home and have my dessert.” I knew the dessert was
me, and I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so fast in my life. I couldn’t wait to get
home.
Truth #3. Your body (no matter how much of a stud you
are) does not by itself turn on her body.
Maybe you should sit down. Take a breath. Clear that head. Because average
male assumptions simply will not work here.
Let’s start with how you work. Your eyes see an attractive woman, and
generally your body registers attraction. Instantly. If the attractive woman isn’t
wearing much, your physical reaction is even stronger. It’s like metal shavings
getting pulled toward a magnet.
Your wife, though, is not like you. She is not sexually aroused simply by
seeing you at your studly best. If you are looking particularly handsome or sexy,
she will notice, and she will find you attractive. But—get this—her body is still
not lusting over your body.
Listen in to an actual conversation one long-married couple relayed to us:
She, delivering the shocking news: “There isn’t one thing about your body
that makes me sexually attracted to you and want to go to bed with you.”
He, disbelieving: “I thought I was sexy and good looking. You always told
me I was!”
She, calmly: “You are. But that has nothing to do with why I want to have
sex with you.”
Noting his blank look, she continues: “Really. Nothing about your naked
body makes me hot—that is, until after we’re sexually involved.”
He, sputtering: “But…I…how…?”
She, reassuring: “Babe, I like you, and I like your naked body. It’s sweet,
actually, and you’re mine. But it’s not like my body is lusting after yours.”
He, grasping: “What…what about me in my black leather jacket? You
always come up to me and growl. Are you saying…?”
She: “Nope, even you in that jacket. You look totally hot, mind you, and I
do want to be with you.
But I’m just telling you, physically my body does not become sexually
aroused one bit!”
The truth for all us average Joes is that our wives can find us desirable and
attractive—but still not be turned on by that alone. Women get turned on in
other, more out of sight but equally powerful ways. And that leads to another
fact about sex that most guys have heard over and over…but have never quite
come to terms with.
Women get turned on in other, more out of sight but equally
powerful ways.
4. For her, sex starts in her heart.
Her body’s ability to respond to you sexually is tied to how she feels emotionally
about you at the moment. If she’s not feeling anything in her heart, her body’s
sex switches are all the way over on “Off.” Even if you put on your black leather
jacket.
One consequence: Where you might greatly desire her even though she was
rude to you this morning, how you treated her this morning really matters. She’s
not keeping score, by the way. She just can’t help it. For her, those two things—
what’s in her heart about you and how she can respond sexually—meld into one.
For her, what’s in her heart about you and how she can respond
sexually meld into one.
One woman explained it to her husband this way: “All my power to turn you
on is how I look. But where you have power, and where I don’t, is how you
treated me today. It’s all emotional.”
We talked a lot about your wife’s need for closeness and affirmation—how to
“treat her today”—in chapters 2 and 4. Bet you didn’t realize we were talking
about sex, too!
Of course, there’s a reverse consequence of her “start in the heart” need: the
potential for hurt feelings. Shaunti’s honest thought here is that if a relationship
has become strained, and a wife says, “The only time you’re interested in me is
for sex,” realize that by definition, she’s feeling neglected—and perhaps even
used.
Now, you may be initiating sex in order to try to “make it better” and get
those feelings of closeness back, but women aren’t wired that way. If they are
feeling serious emotional distance or hurt, sex does not fix it—and it may
exacerbate it.
Truth #5. She wants pleasure as much as you do—and if
it’s not happening, she may be reluctant.
Okay. This might be difficult, but face it we must: Some wives don’t experience
pleasure when they are intimate with their husbands. According to our survey,
this is only an issue for a relatively small minority—just 16 percent said that was
why they desired less sex. But that means it is still an issue in one out of every
six or seven marriages. And only if we are willing to bring up this subject with
our wife, set aside our defenses, and hear what she has to say, are we going to
learn if this has been a reason for her lack of interest.
One woman wrote to Shaunti:
Men think women aren’t as interested in sex as they are. But some men
need to know that their wives are just not experiencing sexual satisfaction.
Although they might be enjoying the process, they may not be ‘finishing’ it.
This is a difficult subject, and many women don’t want to talk about it
because they don’t want to depress their husband or make him feel
inadequate. So they protect his feelings at the expense of their own. But if a
woman isn’t crossing the finish line, running the race just isn’t going to be
as important to her—which only makes it easier to find excuses to sit it out.
I suppose you and I only have to think about what it would be like if we
always “went there” sexually only to never “get there” to know how frustrating
and demotivating that would be.
Clearly, it’s time for you and me to sweep up our rattled egos, maybe throw
on our black leather jacket just for luck, and go looking for answers.
A Guide for Ordinary Husbands
When one of my friends heard that we were writing this chapter, he chuckled. “If
you can get the average husband sex even a dozen more times a year, men will
build statues to you in city parks across the country.”
So the following is my stab at immortality.
Think of these practical suggestions as directions on a map—directions that
apply those little-understood truths we talked about and get the two of you where
you both want to be.
“If you can get the average husband sex even a dozen more
times a year, men will build statues to you in city parks across
the country.”
1) Pay attention to her—it’s the little things.
Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to you outside the
bedroom.
On the survey we asked each woman who wanted less or the same amount of
sex what their husband could do to increase the chances that they would want to
make love more frequently. Look at the top three responses:
Are there things that your husband can do to increase the
chances that you will want to make love more frequently?
Please rate the helpfulness of each of the following
statements. [Choose One Answer For Each Statement]
Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to
you outside the bedroom.
Throughout this book, we show that all those “helpful” things that build
closeness are really the day-to-day things—like these examples from other
chapters:
• Putting your hand on the small of her back to guide her through a parking
lot
• Reassuring her of your love when you two are at odds
• Getting up from the dinner table to get the fire starter so she can “close the
window” and enjoy dinner
• Listening for her feelings and saying, “I’m so sorry you were
disappointed, honey”
2. Give chase, Agent 007. (The time for pursuit is…
always.)
I love this comment that came in to Shaunti’s website: “A woman needs to feel
sexy to her man. But many men do not spend the time or effort in affirming their
spouse sexually outside of the bedroom. That means when we’re in the bedroom,
it’s difficult for the woman to figure out whether he really wants her or whether
he’s just trying to satisfy his own need. A woman who knows she is sexy to her
husband outside the bedroom will never have an excuse at lovemaking time!”
Another married woman told us:
Women want to be romantically pursued. It’s as powerful as the man’s sex
drive. Men think woman can’t resist James Bond because of his body, his
money, or his fast cars. But that stuff is almost irrelevant. James Bond is
romantic. He pursues a woman, flirts with her, woos her. I think women are
a lot more aware of the need to work hard at meeting their man’s sex-drive
needs than men are aware of the need to work at meeting her romanticpursuit needs. Guys have to realize that for a woman, they go hand in hand!
“Women want to be romantically pursued. It’s as powerful as the
man’s sex drive.”
Whether it’s calls, notes, conversations, or simply admiring eye contact, the
whole point of pursuit to a woman is that you notice her, you’re interested in her,
and you belong to her…and she belongs to you. Remember chapter 2? There will
never be a day when she permanently feels loved. She needs to feel, day to day,
that you are choosing her all over again.
3. Warm her up.
Us guys need no transition time and can have sex on our minds with a moment’s
notice. But since most women can’t, we need to think about ways to get her
“anticipation engine” running several hours in advance.
One woman showed how simple that can be. “One thing that will help get a
wife in the mood is something as small as a flirting call or an e-mail. Something
like, ‘I saw you getting dressed this morning and I can’t stop thinking about you.
I can’t wait to see you undress tonight.’”
That’s an easy chip shot if I ever saw one.
That’s an easy chip shot if I ever saw one.
Another woman proposed something that other women agreed might be
helpful for some, as “unspontaneous” as it sounds to men:
With kids and jobs, for me, sex needs to be planned and expected or it just
won’t happen. He thinks having set days to expect it means that it is just
another thing to check off my to-do list. But actually, when I have it in
mind to expect it, then it is really a reward at the end of a long day. If I
don’t know to expect it, then that is when it becomes a chore and just
another thing that needs to get done. The planning means I am making him
a priority, not putting him on a list.
4. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her.
One main reason to create day-to-day closeness—even if no sex is on the agenda
that night—is that women can spot the signs that sex is on the agenda and
assume that your sweet gestures are not sweet at all, but are just sex-motivated.
At its worst, we look like we only care about our wife when we want sex.
Now, us guys know that’s not true. But unfortunately it is true that in the
busyness of life, we sometimes simply forget about doing the loving little things
just because we love our wives, so the thought of sex becomes a sort of trigger to
remember to be a bit more attentive.
What that means is that we have actually trained our wives to be cynical and
suspect total self-interest on our part whenever they see those attentive gestures.
So there’s a need for a little reconditioning. We need to hug our wife, send her a
sweet e-mail during the day, rub her back, help her out around the house, cuddle
with her in bed…and not ask for sex. At least sometimes.
5. Help her around the house. It helps you.
On the survey, about 60 percent of women interviewed said that simple
helpfulness around the house would increase the likelihood that they would want
to make love more frequently—if only because they would have more energy!
As you’d expect, the margin was significantly higher (up to 70 percent) among
women who worked outside the home or had school-age kids.
As one stay-at-home mom said, “My husband and I have a little joke between
us. I say, ‘Honey, there is nothing more sexy than watching you clean
something. And there’s really nothing more sexy than watching you clean the
toilet!’ It’s all about feeling that he wants to take care of me.”
This is not just anecdotal opinion, either. A recent study by famed marriage
psychologist John Gottman found that men who do more housework have both
happier marriages and better sex lives.
Picking up the broom or doing dishes after a hard day on the job isn’t
exactly…well, what you were thinking when you were thinking you couldn’t
wait to get home! But as Gottman found, this kind of sacrificial support can
often be more impressive than a dozen roses.
6. Don’t take “not tonight” personally—use it as a
learning tool.
As we’ve seen, in almost every instance, she doesn’t mean it personally, it is not
the “rejection” that you think it is, and it says literally nothing about her desire
for you. Yes, it feels like rejection and it feels personal. But if we can think
clearly on this one, we can actually bring more fulfillment to both parties.
Next time, try this: Use her “not tonight, dear” as a learning tool to understand
why she’s saying no. I’ll bet your eyes will be opened to new ways to love and
support your wife that perhaps you hadn’t noticed before. You can get off the
merry-go-round of feeling helplessly deprived and actually do something about
it.
You can get off the merry-go-round of feeling helplessly
deprived and actually do something about it.
7. Clean up your act.
Several women, upon finding out that we were writing this chapter, asked
Shaunti privately, “You will tell them to brush their teeth, won’t you?” Quite a
few women told us that the most basic hygiene would make the difference
between wanting to be intimate, or not. Back when we were dating, we never
would have forgotten to brush our teeth or take a shower before a date—so why
do that to our wife now?
As one woman put it, “I want him just to brush his teeth regularly. And I’d
like him to shave his face whiskers before we do the wild thing!”
8. When in doubt, ask her.
Just like the existence of this whole chapter, this particular “to do” runs against
the grain of my middle-class, Midwestern, don’t-talk-about-sex reticence. While
it may not be comfortable, you just need to ask your wife what she likes, what
she doesn’t, and how to improve. And make sure she knows that you want to
know whether she’s not only enjoying the race but also crossing the finish line.
Realize also that if you two aren’t clicking in this area, it’s possible other
things could be going on. I’m not an expert, and I don’t even play one on TV,
but if your wife seems to love you but avoids sex (or finds it emotionally
painful), make sure there aren’t deep-seated issues that need addressing. And if
there are, be her advocate in getting the help she needs to address them.
And I know us guys pretend it’s never an issue, but if by chance you’re the
one experiencing “performance” problems, be brave and seek help from your
doctor or counselor. One woman wrote about this, “His unwillingness to seek
medical help is breaking my heart.”
You have a lot of life ahead, and your wife wants to enjoy it with you. One
wife put it well:
I appreciate feeling like we are team players not just in the bedroom, but in
everything. After a long day, I want to feel supported and uplifted, just as
he does. And of course, theoretically, a good roll in the hay will do that!
But there are times at the end of the day when I feel as if I can’t quite get
started. I want him to be sensitive to me and minister to me! He is who I am
counting on for this. And I know if I can, he’ll be able to count on me, too.
Inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who deeply needs to
know that you find her beautiful—and that you only have eyes for her
As I write this, our daughter is five years old and definitely at that “Daddy’s
girl” stage. She can whack a pretty good line drive for her age. But she’s
happiest, I think, when she’s dancing for me in the consignment-store costume
dress Shaunti bought for her last year. It’s pink, and has a twirly skirt.
Pink and twirly matters a lot when you’re five. You should see her twirling
around our living room. She absolutely beams with delight. Twirl left, pause.
Twirl right.
“Daddy, watch!” she calls as she spins and the skirt does its thing. “Daddy,
look at me! Do you think I’m pretty?”
If you’ve ever had a little girl twirling around your house, you know what I’m
thinking right then. Lord, just let me hold on to this moment! Please…don’t let
my little girl grow up.
That’s what this chapter is about. Because you see, in a way, little girls never
really do.
The Girl Inside
Would it surprise you to know that your gifted, hardworking, secure, grown-up
wife is still (silently) asking the same question: “Do you think I’m pretty?” Only
now it’s you watching. It’s you she’s asking, and you who will decide her
haunting question. Not just “Am I beautiful?” But “Am I beautiful…to him?”
In a culture where women are bombarded with expectations to lose weight,
look younger, look sexy—actually, look perfect—that question has killer
consequences. But it also gives clued-in men an opportunity that we didn’t even
know we had to affirm our wives in a very important way.
“Am I beautiful…to him?”
On our survey most women told us they had a “deep need or desire” to know
that their husband or boyfriend found them beautiful. And younger women were
even more likely to have that need. Among women age forty-five and younger,
more than three out of four felt this need (77 percent); among women thirty-five
and younger the percentage rose to 84 percent.
Regardless of how you think you look, do you have a deep need or
desire to know that your husband/significant other finds you beautiful?
Which answer most closely describes you? [Choose One Answer]
Women forty-five and younger:
All women:
Women with children at home were also much more likely to have a deep
desire to hear that their husband found them beautiful—up to 85 percent of them,
depending on the age of the kids. One survey taker said the thing she most
wished her husband understood was that “women need to be reassured often that
they are beautiful and they are loved.”
The good news is that when their men do tell them they’re beautiful, the
consequences are…beautiful! Almost 90 percent said it made them feel good or
made their day. And that percentage was still huge (77 percent) even among the
mostly older women who said they didn’t “need” to hear it! Only a tiny number
(three percent) said it made no difference.
How beneficial is it to you when your husband/significant
other tells you that he finds you beautiful? [Choose One
Answer]
One Guy, One Mirror, One Hammer
You might be thinking what Shaunti has already heard from a few skeptical
women: Why is this chapter focusing so much on a woman’s “looks”? Shouldn’t
we as a society be getting past that? Well, here’s the thing: This isn’t really
about a woman’s looks. It is about what a woman feels about herself, and the
fact that her man has a great ability to build her up in that area or to tear her
down.
“Wait a minute!” I can hear you saying. “But she knows I think she’s
beautiful.” Well…does she? Have you told her recently? More recently than that
time last year when you two got all dressed up for that wedding?
You did tell her she looked beautiful then, didn’t you? Sure you did.
Okay, you probably did.
I, too, think my wife is beautiful, but until Shaunti and I talked about this
chapter, I realized that I rarely tell her so. It just wasn’t something I thought she
needed to hear, or that I needed to do.
Then we talked. Oh boy. All has not been well in the land of the free and the
home of the Braves.
What I’ve since learned, and what kept surprising me on our surveys, is that
even if a woman knows in her head that her husband finds her beautiful, she still
needs to hear it. And often. Every day is good.
She still needs to hear it:
• no matter how successful, self-assured or mature she is,
• no matter how long you’ve been together,
• no matter how gorgeous other people might tell her she is,
• no matter how moved to tears of gratitude you were last time you said it,
• no matter how old or young she is…
“Even if a woman knows in her head that her husband finds her
beautiful, she still needs to hear it.”
As it turns out, your wife’s continuing desire to be beautiful for you is a
deeply rooted need that explains a lot of other behaviors that have baffled men
for centuries.
For example, have you ever wondered:
• Why, after trying on outfit after outfit, she gets frustrated and declares that
she “has nothing to wear”?
• Why she wants to buy new clothes even if she knows you all are on a tight
budget, or even if few of her clothes could possibly be considered old?
• Why she’s always asking you how she looks—when there’s a mirror in
the bedroom and the bathroom?
• Why she asks, “Do these pants make me look fat?” when what she really
means is, “Tell me I’m not fat”?
• Why it’s such a big deal if your eyes linger on another beautiful woman?
Listen, after an inexcusably long learning curve, I’ve come to realize a few
crucial facts about beauty and my wife. These facts are fundamental in every
marriage, and have the power to radically change your relationship and mine for
the better, beginning with the next words you speak to her.
Fact #1. Inside my dear wife, that little dancing girl is still very much alive.
Only now she twirls for me.
Fact #2. In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be
foremost in my mind, but it is an everyday (even if subconscious) issue for
her.
Fact #3. In our house, there’s really only one mirror. And that mirror is me.
Fact #4. Every day, I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear.
But if I don’t, I leave her vulnerable to both her inner questions and
external pressure from an intimidating world.
Fact #5. In my hand, I hold a hammer.
I hope you’re beginning to see why a clued-in husband or boyfriend can create
so much good, and a clueless one can cause so much damage.
And I haven’t even told you what the hammer is yet.
Every day, I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to
hear.
The Ugly Truth About Female Beauty in Our World
Just so you and I know that our wives or girlfriends aren’t the only “body
obsessed” or “oversensitive” women around, let’s hear what some women told
us about the pressure they feel from our culture and from themselves. It’s almost
like they must fight their way through a war zone every day—and men don’t
even realize it. Listen in:
• I know in my head that I am not unattractive. I wouldn’t wear a bikini
anymore, but people still tell me I’m pretty or that I look really slim in
that outfit or whatever. But in my heart, I don’t believe it. Because my
head is also very aware of all my flaws, especially since the kids came
along. Almost every time I see a picture of myself, I cringe inside. I’m
guessing that my husband thinks I’m attractive, but I can’t think of the
last time he made it a point to tell me so. If he would, it sure would
counter that secret negativity about myself that I feel inside.
• Every day, we are bombarded with these images all around us of how we
are supposed to look. We have this fear that we feel like we’ll always
have to live up to our husband’s expectation of this perfect Hollywood
body image and we know we can’t do that. And somehow we get this
idea that if we don’t, oh no, maybe his attention will turn elsewhere. It’s
a very insecure feeling, even if it’s totally ridiculous. We may know in
our heads that that’s not true, but that “head knowledge” doesn’t do
anything to counter that silent insecurity.
And lastly, here’s one that may be hard for any father or married man to hear:
• In this culture, women are not being protected emotionally. They are
being humiliated.
Do you really think it is possible for you and me to understand just how “on
stage and under review” our wife or girlfriend feels every day? I have to admit—
until now I haven’t given much thought to how demeaning and threatening our
world is for Shaunti and other women. Or really, how demeaning their own
internal thoughts about themselves can be, even if they hide it well.
When I think back on typical male responses to this unseen struggle, I’m not
encouraged. For Shaunti, I’m the one man in her life who can really relieve the
pressure and make her feel beautiful. But because I haven’t known I’ve needed
to, my response on an average day to her unseen need has tended to be…a yawn.
Or even irritation at how long she’s taking to get dressed.
Or on a good day, maybe, “You look nice.”
I’m the one man in her life who can really relieve the pressure
and make her feel beautiful.
Guys, we are divinely positioned to encourage and build up the woman we
love; we can’t be nodding off in the living room chair while the little girl twirls.
So now that we’re awake to the problem, what can we do?
Reflecting Back the Truth About Her
Remember, you’re not just the guy who shares her space. You’re her most
important mirror—the man who can reflect back to her how lovely you think she
is. The man whose opinions of her are the best antidote for the damaging internal
dialogue and external pressure that stalk her thoughts. So how should and could
you respond for the greatest benefit to her—and you?
You’re not just the guy who shares her space. You’re her most
important mirror.
Say it.
Just think of a few affirming words—“You look beautiful today” (or your
version thereof)—and say them. That kind of compliment might not feel natural
to you at first, but if you stick with it, it can eventually feel as familiar as, “Pass
the remote.”
Whenever possible, your guy-mirror talk should be in specifics. “A lot of
women are so desperate for specific, honest compliments,” one wife told us.
“We’re dying of thirst for them. I think guys probably often think them, but
don’t say them. But I hope they can learn to say them, because one compliment
can carry me for a long way.”
A key time to practice affirmation is when you’ve both noticed another
attractive person. One woman told us: “To me, the confirmation I need is
something like this, ‘Yes, that other woman is cute, but you’re beautiful, and
you’re mine.’ Those words would be such a help to me in consciously tearing
down the insecurity I carry around.”
Say it sincerely.
Words are sweet, but it’s your heart she’s after. It may sound contradictory to
ask you to come up with a “sincere” comment that you wouldn’t otherwise have
said, but it’s just a matter of learning to say what you’re already sincerely
thinking—just like you would naturally do for your daughter.
It’s just a matter of learning to say what you’re already sincerely
thinking.
Here’s what one woman told us:
I wish I could explain to him that when I’m not satisfied with the options in
my closet, what I’m really not satisfied with is myself. I’m bummed that
I’m a little overweight, or that my chest is too small, or whatever. At those
times, that should be my husband’s cue to give me his comments, yes, but
not in a clinical way. What I am craving is a sincere, delighted remark from
my husband that that red dress looks great on me, shows off my legs, and
he’s going to have his eyes on me all night!
Say it now.
Most of all, train yourself to say it when she needs it: right away. What she’s
looking for is the immediate, “reflexive” response that proves you’ve been
wowed. But as this story from one couple we talked to shows, we men have to
practice putting ourselves in that frame of mind, lest we send the wrong
message!
Train yourself to say it when she needs it: right away.
Her: After I get ready to go out somewhere, there’s sort of a thirty-second rule.
If he hasn’t noticed me in thirty seconds, I guess I don’t look good enough for
him. So, okay, we were going out last night. I take a lot of time getting ready
and spiffy for him, and I think I look pretty hot. I come downstairs and he
doesn’t say anything. So instantly, I’m a bit deflated. We walk out of the
house and climb into the car, and as we’re backing out of the driveway he
notices that the little metal insignia on the car hood is crooked. He stops the
car and gets out to straighten it. He noticed that, but he didn’t notice me?
Him (laughing ruefully): Pray for me, Jeff!
Erase “fine” from your response options.
Fine is not fine (unless used in the sense, “She’s so fine!”). Fine is what you
mumbled to Mom when she asked you how school went.
One wife mentioned that if she asked at the beginning of an evening out how
she looked, her husband would typically say, “You look fine, sweetheart.” But as
she put it, “I worked this hard for fine?”
I think guys say that word because we simply misunderstand the real question.
When she asks how she looks, we think she’s wondering if she looks
presentable. But what she wants to know is if she’s still rocking our world—like
she did on that first date. So “fine,” sort of by definition, tells her, “No, you’re
not rocking my world.”
What she wants to know is if she’s still rocking our world.
Don’t take “no” for an answer.
By now, you might be thinking, But I try to compliment my wife—and she
always brushes it off! At those times, you probably give up, thinking she doesn’t
need affirmation or that there’s no point in expending the energy if she’s not
going to believe it.
Pointer from Shaunti: Take her reluctance as a sign that she needs the
affirmation even more. It may not look like it, but she’s probably reacting out of
discomfort with compliments, or even a painful personal awareness of her flaws.
Remember, her flaws loom very large in her mind. Even if you hardly notice
them, it’s hard for her to believe that. So keep telling her, and she’ll learn to
relax and believe that you mean it.
What if I do agree there’s an area to work on?
Most men have probably known the deer-in-the-headlights feeling when a
woman is dissatisfied with her weight and wants to talk about it—and you
really don’t. There really is no way to talk about it without hurting her
feelings, unless she’s specifically asked you and given you permission to be
honest for some compelling reason. (Like, “Promise me that you’ll tell me
if I shouldn’t wear that dress, so I don’t embarrass myself at the reunion.”)
If she’s struggling with something that is a real issue (like she’s twenty-five
pounds overweight) instead of just being dissatisfied with something she
can’t healthfully change (she thinks her nose is too big), realize that she
feels terrible about it already. Knowing you are disappointed, too, makes it
worse. That said, if she makes comments about wanting to lose weight—
and you think she’s seriously contemplating making a change and inviting
your thoughts—be supportive and ask how you can help. Good sentence
starters: “I love you no matter what. But if this bothers you…how can I
help?” Then, be willing to help—whether that means doing the soccer run
so she can hit the gym or forgoing your nightly ice cream if it tempts her
too much. Encourage the results of her efforts! And always affirm those
areas that you do find beautiful, including her loveliness as a person.
Always affirm those areas that you do find beautiful, including
her loveliness as a person.
Also, remember that for her, knowing that you find her lovely not just on the
outside, but the inside as well, will go a long way. We’ve all seen examples
where an otherwise plain looking woman became absolutely beautiful in our
eyes because she had the “beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit,” as the apostle
Peter put it. If your wife is a lovely person but knows that her teeth are crooked
or her post-childbearing stomach is no longer flat, tell her—often—that you truly
don’t notice what she thinks of as flaws. Tell her that her inner loveliness
radiates through her, and that you—and everyone else—find her beautiful.
View cost as an investment.
A lot of husbands struggle with their wives’ desire to spend money on clothes,
makeup, or beauty treatments. I hope by now you’re seeing what’s really
happening here—she’s trying to stay in the center of your field of vision and to
bolster her own internal gauge of how she feels about herself.
No one is saying households should throw budget caution out the window.
But what might appear a “nonessential” to us men might be a budget priority for
her that she is willing to make trade-offs for. Here’s a note Shaunti received on
this topic:
Please explain to the guys how important clothes are to women. Please try
to explain how frumpy and unattractive we feel in old clothes, whether they
are worn out or just out of date. A couple of my best friends struggle with
this in their marriages; it’s a common problem.
Interestingly, according to Shaunti’s research for For Women Only, most men
are very willing to spend time or money to support a wife’s weight loss or fitness
program—for example, by watching the kids or paying for a gym membership.
We do make the beauty connection at one level, where it matters to us. We just
need to make that connection where it matters to her.
Now it’s time to squarely address what may be the most important beauty
connection of all. Because you and I can do an excellent job of reflecting our
wife’s beauty back to her and still cause enormous damage.
How?
Fact #5: In my hand, I hold a hammer.
The Hammer Drops: Looking Elsewhere
We now know that women are powerfully affirmed by knowing that their
husband finds them beautiful. But that power has a dark side. Because if a
woman sees her husband’s eyes also affirming the beauty of other women, she
ceases to feel special. And suddenly, not only is she not affirmed, she’s in
competition with the world again—including for the attentions of the one man
she thought she already had. That’s when the hammer hits the mirror of you—
the most important mirror in her life—and shatters it.
If a woman sees her husband’s eyes also affirming the beauty of
other women, she ceases to feel special.
Now, because women are not as visually wired as we are, there are bound to
be some misunderstandings here—some conflicts between what we consider
“innocent” and what our women think. We may think, “My wife knows it’s just
a guy thing and that I don’t love this other woman I’m looking at.” We’ve even
coined some analogies that elevate staring to a noble level: “It’s like enjoying a
beautiful painting in a museum,” we say. “Just don’t try and take the picture
home.”
Yes, sometimes it can simply be admiring beauty. And yes, God has created a
beautiful world—and populating it with attractive people is consistent with His
artistry. But the challenge with looking at a beautiful woman is the speed at
which admiration morphs into something else. Looking at the sweeping vista of
the Rockies just doesn’t run the risk of my next thought being, “I wonder what
those mountains would look like without all that snow on them.”
I’m not going to spend the rest of this chapter talking about how we need to
keep our thought lives pure, since I think most of us already know that, whether
consciously or subconsciously. (Still, I strongly urge you: Don’t settle for what
you have considered unavoidable or even normal on this temptation. “Do not
conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). I believe that through God’s power, not
our own, we can be transformed. And if you need outside resources, there are
many great ones today, including Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and
Fred Stoeker and Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) by Joshua Harris.) My main
purpose is to help motivated, sensitive, and slightly clueless guys like you and
me become more motivated, more sensitive, and slightly less clueless husbands
by explaining what is going on inside our wives.
The hard truth is, most women don’t just dismiss our sideways glances as “a
guy thing.” Look at what one woman wrote us:
I haven’t been able to come to grips with my husband looking at other
women. He is not into pornography, for which I am so thankful, but
sometimes I see him looking for quite a bit longer than just a glance at
other, younger women. I cannot describe the hurt I feel when he allows his
eyes to take in every detail. I think otherwise very wonderful men don’t
stop to think about how this makes a woman feel. That figure my husband
is looking at clarifies for me his deepest physical desires—and I look
nothing like that. This leaves me feeling like I can never be what my loved
one really wants.
It’s news to them…
I was also surprised at how many women had no idea that our visual wiring
makes it difficult to not notice other women—and how many women have a
really hard time with that knowledge. As one wife said:
I find it more than slightly threatening to know that no matter how much I
work to be the woman of his dreams, my husband will always feel the pull
from others. I appreciate the fact that he struggles to keep his mind on me,
but just the fact that he has to struggle at all is so hard for me. It is very
difficult to accept the fact that while I can be totally possessed, I can never
completely possess.
Remember, women already feel that they are in competition with every other
beautiful woman—real or imagined—out there. Many women have told Shaunti
and me that it’s not that they walk around feeling violently suspicious of where
we are looking as much as that they know they live in a culture saturated with
options other than them. Shapelier options, racier options, younger options,
easier options—and they’re now aware that the man they love is wired to notice
every option. So when he does, it’s hurtful.
Women already feel that they are in competition with every other
beautiful woman—real or imagined—out there.
When the mirror shatters
On our survey for this book, although two-thirds of women said they’d be
bothered if their man noticed a woman with a great body, only one out of four
said they’d be hurt. But when we asked how they’d feel if they knew their man’s
thoughts were lingering on that woman’s body, the number of women who said
they’d be hurt jumped to three out of four, with even higher rates among women
under age forty-five. (Shaunti suspects that these numbers would be even higher
if women could actually see inside our heads and watch our thoughts like a
movie, and I do, too.)
Imagine you are sitting with your husband/significant other
in a train station and a woman with a great body walks in
and stands in a nearby line. Your husband/significant other
glances at her several times and appears quite distracted
by her. How does this make you feel? [Choose One
Answer]
*7
Now imagine that in that same situation, you could
magically see inside your husband/significant other’s head.
If you were to find out that his thoughts were lingering on
that woman’s body, would you find it hurtful? [Choose One
Answer]
Truth is, most women can’t comprehend why a man would choose or risk
such damage. For many, lingering thoughts (and, lets just admit it, lusting) were
the same thing as cheating. “A woman whose husband doesn’t control his
looking and lusting will start to feel like a failure,” one wife told us. “Why
shouldn’t she? Her beauty can no longer measure up to what her husband wants.
His eyes speak volumes, so she has no choice but to doubt. But she wants to be
found worthy in his eyes, she wants to be his beauty.”
“A woman whose husband doesn’t control his looking will feel
she doesn’t measure up to what he wants.”
As a man who, like you, wants to honor and show love to his wife, I find that
woman’s comment—and literally hundreds more like it—very sobering. While
most women don’t mind if a husband or boyfriend is truly appreciating beauty
(as in, “What a beautiful girl!”), they experience excruciating pain if we look at,
linger on, and lust after another attractive female. Their trust in their man’s love
gets badly shaken.
Shaking turns to breaking when the other woman or image obviously aims to
provoke lust. That brings us to porn.
“Porn sends her a clear message…”
“Let’s face it,” wrote one woman, “my husband can’t control what woman will
show up at what store or what street at a given time. It’s not as though he’s
wishing that woman to appear. Porn, however, is different. Porn is a conscious
choice. I think that when a man turns to porn, no matter how infrequently, it
sends a clear message to his wife that she is inadequate. It says that no matter
how she tries, she can’t satisfy him sexually. Why should she bother trying?”
Unless a woman is naive about the power of porn or has become desensitized
to it for other reasons, when her husband uses porn, it feels like cheating. And in
truth, it is cheating. (Jesus’ words come to mind here: “Anyone who looks at a
woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”) Even
wives who don’t equate using pornography with adultery find the experience
excruciating.
The fact is, for all men, this is an area where there really has to be zero
tolerance. Obviously that applies to pornography. But it also applies to lingering
glances and lustful thoughts. We injure our wife when we look elsewhere for a
thrill that we vowed to look for only in her. We shatter our ability to reflect her
beauty back to her. And we break her trust.
We Can Send Her Another Message
Since our wife needs to know that we find her beautiful, and she feels protected
by knowing that we only have eyes for her, well…we have plenty of
opportunities these days to send her that message.
In the mid-‘90s, Sports Illustrated did a cover feature, entitled, “St. David,”
on David Robinson, the MVP center for the San Antonio Spurs. One segment
described how Robinson handled himself, as a professing Christian, husband,
and father, in the midst of the NBA’s intense temptations. For example, during
television breaks, he would sit on the bench and stare studiously at the floor in
order to avoid looking at the gyrating cheerleaders out on the court.
The article also mentioned that like all NBA players, Robinson was constantly
approached by attractive women who wanted to talk to him…and were probably
offering more than just witty conversation. Apparently, he would rather
brusquely brush them off. When asked to comment on that seemingly “rude”
practice, he said something like this: “If any woman is going to get her feelings
hurt, it’s not going to be my wife.”
A protector and hero in action.
“If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt, it’s not going to
be my wife.”
Each day your wife and mine hold out to us their intense, God-given, little-girl
desire (and right) to be treasured. Each day she’s threatened on all sides by an
offensive and abusive world. And each day—with kind words and faithful eyes
—we, too, can be our wife’s protector and hero.
In just a moment, I’ll share my biggest surprise from all my “embedded male”
research in interviews, surveys, and websites. But before I do, I want to take you
to a different data bank entirely—the mailbag from wives and girlfriends who
wrote and e-mailed Shaunti after reading For Women Only. Overwhelmingly,
they relayed two things: how much they didn’t know that they didn’t know, and
how much the relationship had changed once they understood their man’s inner
life—and started doing things differently.
The Change in Two That Starts with One
At various points in this book, you may have found yourself saying, “But if she
would only be reasonable, I wouldn’t have to do all this stuff you’re telling me!”
We sympathize with that sentiment because Shaunti and I have each felt it at one
time or another in our own learning process!
So many of the women who wrote in to Shaunti described the same feeling
—“This is unfair, why do I have to do all the work?”—as well as how they came
out the other side. Look at this excerpt from one e-mail:
I fought my urge to defend myself and prayed that God would open my
heart to consider the possibility that it was me, not my husband, who
needed to change. And of course I immediately realized that was true. I was
frustrated to know that I had behaved this way for five years of our
marriage. But by the end of the book, I “owned” it. And I also realized that
if I had the power to destroy my marriage, I now have the power to change
and build it up again!
Guys, we could say the same thing. We don’t have to wait until she
completely understands us to see positive results. Now that we have more clarity
about several key areas of her inner life and needs, the ball is in our court. We’ve
now seen over and over that you can be the only person to change in your
relationship and still expect great new beginnings. Your marriage is definitely
worth you taking the first step.
The ball is in our court.
Which leads me to the biggest surprise of all.
The one most important thing…
As you can imagine, being the “embedded male” gave me lots of opportunities
to be surprised. But nothing can compare to how I felt when I looked at the end
of the survey. After two dozen multiple-choice questions, we gave the survey
takers a blank space and asked: “What’s the most important thing you wish your
husband/significant other knew, but feel you haven’t been able to explain in a
way he understands?”
I assumed that the women would have plenty to say about what their husband
didn’t understand, and in all honesty I had to gather my courage to look at the
responses. And then I was astonished. Because the top thing that women wished
their man knew was this:
You are my hero.
Not always in those exact words, mind you, but invariably with that exact
meaning. Over and over again, when women could say anything, they tried to
express just how central their man was in their life, how much they admired,
appreciated, and needed him, how much they wanted to make him happy, and
how grateful they were for such a wonderful husband.
They were saying, in essence, that their husband really is the man that they
had hoped he would be when they married him. Their average, ordinary guy—
the person who sometimes leaves his fly down and the toilet seat up—is their
knight in shining armor.
Look at what this survey taker said she most wished her husband knew:
That he has made me the happiest woman in the world. I could have never
asked for anything more. His love and support throughout our marriage is
more than any woman could want. I am so lucky to have found him thirtytwo years ago.
“He has made me the happiest woman in the world. I could have
never asked for anything more.”
There’s no way in this short space to give you the same sense of surprise that I
had as I sat at my computer and scrolled down so many similar survey
responses. Here are just a few examples:
• How deep my love and respect is for him.
• How much I appreciate him.
• How much I care for his happiness, feelings, and well-being.
• How much I respect him as a person.
• I would trust him with my life.
• My husband means more to me than words can say. He is the true essence
of what I dreamed a husband would be when I was a little girl.
• That I dearly appreciate his hard work.
• That I feel incredibly lucky to be with him today.
• When he puts himself down it hurts me—no one should say bad things
about my favorite guy.
They Feel It but Don’t Always Know How to Show It
I had been skeptical when Shaunti proposed this idea, but she suspected from her
talks at women’s groups around the country that most women really do feel great
respect and appreciation for their husband or boyfriend but don’t always show it.
Often, women simply don’t realize that some of their words or actions actually
convey a lack of trust, when, as she says, “that is not the way they feel at all!”
So on the survey, we decided to ask the question directly and see what
happened. Shaunti guessed that at least nine out of ten women would jump at the
chance to confirm that they did respect and appreciate their husband or
boyfriend…and she was right.
Is this statement true or false? “Although I may not always
show it well, I do deeply need, respect, and desire, my
husband/significant other.” [Choose One Answer]
*8
In closing…
I will leave you with this comment from one woman who spoke for many in
trying to describe just how important her husband is to her:
My husband smiles at me when he comes home from work and discovers
the kids have drawn monsters on my legs with markers. He appreciates egg
sandwiches and SpaghettiOs more than a gourmet meal. He believes that I
am a better mother, more talented, and a more virtuous person than I
actually am…His eternal optimism changes me ever so slightly, day after
day, into something much more beautiful than I’d otherwise be. He’s
imperfect, puerile, and sloppy, yet strong, wise, and loving.
The fact that I get to live with him over the course of my lifetime is one
of the biggest scams I’ve pulled off—I keep waiting for him to wake up,
jump over the mound of unwashed clothes, and bolt out the door. But he
sees even my imperfections as endearing. Over the past ten years, we’ve
both changed. But the one thing that remains constant is my utter and
unashamed need of him.
Not to mention, he’s really good in the sack.
A Final Note…
As Shaunti noted up front, men often process new information differently than
women do, mulling things over internally and perhaps investigating perplexing
topics more closely. We urge any women sneaking a peek at this book to give
their men the space and time that they will need to process, and recognize that
they may not actually want to talk about it—they may simply want to practice it!
For men who want to learn about certain areas in more detail, we list
additional resources at www.formenonlybook.com. One good “next step” is
Emerson Eggerichs’s book Love and Respect, particularly the chapters written
for men.
CITATIONS
Chapter 2
Source for footnote: Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect (Brentwood, TN:
Integrity Publishers, 2004).
Movie dialogue is from The Parent Trap, directed by Nancy Meyers (Disney,
1998); cast, Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson.
Chapter 6
Information demonstrating that husbands who do more chores tend to have more
and better sex comes from John Gottman, PhD, and Nan Silver, The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Random House), 205–206.
Source for footnote 2: Dr. Douglas Rosenau, A Celebration of Sex (Nashville:
Thomas Nelson, 2002), 168, 214–215.
Source for footnote 3: Theresa Crenshaw, Alchemy of Love and Lust (New York:
Simon & Schuster, 1996), 125.
Chapter 7
David Robinson quote from Leigh Montville, “The Trials of David,” Sports
Illustrated, April 29, 1996, 95. Full quote: “I made a rule when I got married…. I
decided that if anyone’s feelings are going to be hurt, they’re not going to be my
wife’s. If I think [a woman] is acting inappropriately, I say so. It may sound
harsh, but that’s the way it is. My wife is not going to be the one to suffer.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Literally thousands of people provided the input and assistance that was crucial
to the writing and content of this book, and there is no way to adequately thank
them in this short space. To all of these wonderful folks, we want to say thank
you, and ask forgiveness in advance if we leave anyone out of this section.
First we must deeply thank and acknowledge our prayer team, who did the
real work of this book by covering us in prayer for most of a year: Martha and
Barry Abrams, Kurt Alme, Diana Baker, Elizabeth Beinhocker, Michael and
Deon Brown, Ann Browne, Mark and Christa Crawford, Gerry and Kasey Crete,
Alison Darrell, Mike Deagle, Betty Dunkum, Calvin Edwards, Craig and Lynn
Elam, Mollianne Elliott, Darby Ferguson, Susan Fleck, Larissa Fontenot, Nancy
French, Lisa and Ron Fry, Natt and Meredith Gantt, Kate Gates, Dan Glaze,
Michael and Debra Goldstone, Jennifer Graves, Laura Grindley, Dean and Jan
Harbry, Judy Hitson, John and Monica Holcomb, Lin Hopkins, Anne Hotchkiss,
Victor Jih, Jane Joiner, Audrey Lambert, Kristen Lambert, Mary Laudermilk,
Charl and Elsa Liebenberg, Jan and John MacLaury, Karen McAdams, Kurt
Montavon, Lisa and John Nagle, Bruce and Sue Osterink, Darlene Penner,
Elizabeth Noller, Linda and Jack Preston, Dick and Judy Reidinger, Eric and
Lisa Rice, Phil and Susan Rodenberg, Andy and Jeanne Sandecki, Roger
Scarlett, Albert and Wendy Shashoua, Jim and Chris Sharp, Jenny Shea, D. J.
Snell, Lon and Katherine Waitman, and Ed and Jewels Warren.
The professional survey of women that is at the core of this book was guided
by the experienced hand of Chuck Cowan of Analytic Focus
(analyticfocus.com), and performed by Kevin Sharp and the rest of the team at
Decision Analyst (decisionanalyst.com). As in previous books, I thank this
excellent team.
We promised to keep the identity of the interviewees and focus group
participants confidential, so we cannot name them here. But please know just
how much we appreciate all of you. We also are so appreciative of the many
women’s group directors and conference organizers that have invited Shaunti to
speak, allowing her to test and refine our emerging findings in the process.
Several individuals went above and beyond in providing assistance and help
as we investigated the topics covered in this book. We need to especially
acknowledge counselors Chris and Susan Silver of Tree of Life Ministries and
Atlanta-based sex therapists and experts Dr. Douglas Rosenau and Dr. Michael
Sytsma.
We are very grateful for the team that has come alongside to support and
encourage us personally and professionally, especially Shaunti’s assistants
Jeanne Sandecki and Maylynn Wilson, and her project manager, Linda Crews.
We are also indebted to our special friends Eric and Lisa Rice, whose input,
encouragement, and friendship was invaluable during this process. Thanks also
to Dan Knutson and his excellent staff at Higher Grounds in Duluth, GA, who
allowed Shaunti to camp out at their coffee shop for months at a time while
writing.
We are not quite sure how to adequately thank our exceptional editors, Dave
and Heather Kopp, who went way, way above and beyond the call of duty,
particularly the unexpected duty of taking a huge manuscript and turning it into a
book that someone might actually be willing to read. To both of you: We are so
grateful for your professional skills, your encouragement, and your friendship.
We are also immensely grateful to Don Jacobson and rest of the Multnomah
family for their incredible friendship, support, and excellence. You all are such a
pleasure to work with!
We also must express our incredible gratitude to our parents, to whom this
book is dedicated: Bill and Roberta Feldhahn, and Richard and Judy Reidinger.
You know we could never have written this book without each of you, who rode
to the rescue time and again to help with kids, household chores, and editing
input while deadlines loomed. We love each of you very much and are
immensely grateful for your presence in our lives.
To our children: Thank you for being such good little peanuts, and
understanding when Mom or Dad had to be locked away with a computer for
hours at a time. We adore you, and are so proud of the young lady and young
man you are becoming.
Finally, and most importantly, we lift up all praise and honor to the One who
truly deserves it. If there is any eye-opening power in this book, it is because of
the anointing of the Lord, who cares for His children and wants their
relationships to be filled with joy.
Want her to REALLY understand you?
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For Women Only offers fascinating insights into the hidden lives of men.
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“If you’ve ever asked, ‘Why does she do, think, or say that?’ then you’ve got to
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—DRS. LES AND LESLIE PARROTT
Bestselling authors of Love Talk
“When we featured Shaunti’s book For Women Only on FamilyLife Today, the
phone rang off the hook! When Shaunti and Jeff come back on our broadcast,
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—DENNIS RAINEY
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“Once again Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn have unearthed a treasure chest of
insights that are not only eye-opening, but possibly life-changing.”
—ANDY STANLEY
North Point Ministries senior pastor and bestselling author
“Most of my work helping passive Christian men become more like Jesus
involves how best to relate to women. I’m going to make sure to keep a case of
the Feldhahn’s excellent book handy at all times.”
—PAUL COUGHLIN
Author, No More Christian Nice Guy and Married But Not Engaged
“Men, we’re supposed to love our wives and live with them in an understanding
way. That’s the clear assignment God gives each of us in the Scriptures. So buy
this book, read it a couple of times, underline a few key ideas, and then keep it
where you can review it regularly. It will help you be the husband God wants
you to be.”
—BOB LEPINE
Cohost, FamilyLife Today
FOOTNOTES
*1 Because respondents could choose more than one answer, results do not add
up to 100%.
Return to text.
*2 This topic—including how we can see even complaining or criticizing as
signals of “I want your love!”—is developed much more in Emerson
Eggerichs’s book Love and Respect.
Return to text.
*3 That said, if you do find yourself in the 25% of marriages where your wife is
the one wanting more, and would like a resource that includes discussion of
that situation, we recommend the book A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas
E. Rosenau.
Return to text.
*4 Because women could choose more than one answer, percentages did not add
up to 100%.
Return to text.
*5 The book A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau addresses the
physiological issues in more detail.
Return to text.
*6 Full quote from Page 125 of The Alchemy of Love and Lust, by Theresa
Crenshaw. “The biochemical urge we call the sex drive comes in two basic
styles: aggressive and receptive. The aggressive sex drive is controlled not
just by testosterone, as most people think, but by vasopressin, DHEA,
serotonin, dopamine, and LHRH as well. The receptive sex drive…has been
overlooked altogether….Receptive doesn’t necessarily mean passive [but]
available, and perhaps willing, but without the initiative to pursue sex.”
Return to text.
*7 Because of rounding, numbers don’t quite reach 100%.
Return to text.
*8Excludes divorced/separated women (who still answered in the 80% range!).
Return to text.
FOR MEN ONLY
published by Multnomah Books
A division of Random House, Inc.
Published in association with Calvin W. Edwards,
Post Office Box 88472, Atlanta, GA 30356
© 2006 by Veritas Enterprises, Inc.
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from:
The Holy Bible, New International Version
© 1973, 1984 by International Bible Society, used by permission of Zondervan
Publishing House
Multnomah is a trademark of Multnomah Books and is registered in the U.S.
Patent and Trademark Office.
The colophon is a trademark of Multnomah Books.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted, in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission.
For information:
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Feldhahn, Shaunti Christine.
For men only / by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.
p. cm.
1. Men (Christian theology) 2. Christian men--Conduct of life. I.
Feldhahn, Jeff. II. Title.
BT703.5.F45 20062
48.8'42--dc22
2006000677
www.waterbrookpress.com
eISBN: 978-1-60142-209-5
v3.0